dt311unity Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I have a buddy of mine who is basically my best friend. We have known each other and have been best friends since we were 11yrs. old. Last year he started dating this girl and they ended up breaking up a few times and then broke it off for about 4 months. When they first started dating she was an alchoholic and did some heavier drugs. She was rude to all our friends and was just one of those people that always seems like they are fake when you talk to them. He broke it off with her because she was out of control. Well, they ended up getting back together back in october. Since then I have hung out with my best friend maybe 6 times total. His girlfriend is going to AA and she made him quit drinking if he wanted to be with her. He has always smoked pot since high school and he still does but hides it from her. I rarely see him anymore because none of our friends like her so he doesn't really bring her around. When he does come out he will hang out for a short while and then leaves. He is quiet and doesn't really joke around like he used to. He has changed, a lot. His girlfriend has changed a little but she is still rude and I guess just fake. You can just tell when you talk to her that she is trying to be nice. A few days ago I talked to my buddy about everything because it has been eating away at me. I told him I miss my old friend. Also I said I think he can do better and find someone that he can be with who accepts him for the person he is. I told him that all his friends don't like his girlfriend and it should maybe be a red flag that maybe he should move on. He said half of our friends abandoned him since he quit drinking. Said that we did the same thing when we would start dating someone else (not hanging out as much, spending all the time with new girlfriend). The end of the conversation was: "You can think what you want but we love each other." from him. We haven't talked since then. I am just worried that he is selling himself short. This is his first serious relationship (we are 25yrs. old now). Part of me was just going to let the relationship go on and hope that he would move on but I just had to say something to him. I guess I really don't understand what I should think. I really think he could do better and it sucks not having him around anymore. Nobody get's along with his girlfriend which sucks too. All our friends feel the same way. If I were in his shoes I wish my friends would have the same conversation with me. I guess I am dissappointed by the end of the conversation with him. I know I would step back and maybe think a little more about the relationship if he said the same thing to me. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks
Frankasy Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 See there's where you made a mistake although it's really not a mistake made on purpose. Never have a best friend. Eventually they'll just sell you out like he did. Just find a gf and you'll get over him plus you have other friends, it's not like he was your only friend. Just wait now for him to tell his gf stuff you've only told him because you had faith in him, just wait. Best friends are overrated, seriously.
summer19 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I understand why you feel the way you do, but i think unfortunatly telling him those things wont bring him any closer to you. In fact it might push him away further. Im not sure which advice to give you to help your friend come around more but, when he is around try to focus on having some fun with him. If this girl is really wrong for him theyll split in the end anyways... And maybe stopping to drink and do drugs isnt the worst thing ever.. If hes truely growing and happy about the change. Maybe he feels uncomfortable around all of you, if you guys drink. Changing that kinda makes you feel odd man out. Im sure that if hes so in love with her hes uncomfortable that none of you like her and he does. Why dont you talk to him again but talk only about maybe a desire to hang around together more. Dont bring up her. good luck
Virgo1982 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I have a buddy of mine who is basically my best friend. We have known each other and have been best friends since we were 11yrs. old. Last year he started dating this girl and they ended up breaking up a few times and then broke it off for about 4 months. When they first started dating she was an alchoholic and did some heavier drugs. She was rude to all our friends and was just one of those people that always seems like they are fake when you talk to them. He broke it off with her because she was out of control. A few days ago I talked to my buddy about everything because it has been eating away at me. I told him I miss my old friend. Also I said I think he can do better and find someone that he can be with who accepts him for the person he is. I told him that all his friends don't like his girlfriend and it should maybe be a red flag that maybe he should move on. He said half of our friends abandoned him since he quit drinking. Said that we did the same thing when we would start dating someone else (not hanging out as much, spending all the time with new girlfriend). The end of the conversation was: "You can think what you want but we love each other." from him. We haven't talked since then. I am just worried that he is selling himself short. This is his first serious relationship (we are 25yrs. old now). Part of me was just going to let the relationship go on and hope that he would move on but I just had to say something to him. I guess I really don't understand what I should think. I really think he could do better and it sucks not having him around anymore. Nobody get's along with his girlfriend which sucks too. All our friends feel the same way. If I were in his shoes I wish my friends would have the same conversation with me. I guess I am dissappointed by the end of the conversation with him. I know I would step back and maybe think a little more about the relationship if he said the same thing to me. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks Maybe she acts that way toward you all because she knows you don't like her. If she was addicted to alcohol and other drugs, she probably had/has self-esteem issues. So, she may not have been comfortable around you guys. It's okay for him to drink and smoke pot, but it is not okay for him to have a girlfriend you guys don't enjoy being around? Not to be harsh, but it sounds a little selfish, immature, and self-centered to me. Like the other poster said, if she is really bad news, he will come to his senses at some point. I've been through this situation where a friend of mine was being abused and then she turned on me whenever she decided to stay with him because I comforted her and told her what she needed to hear. We are not friends today and she is still with him. If she is not mistreating him, but is simply not a good fit, you should probably sit tight. If she's mistreating him, then you might find yourself hurt and stressed over his relationship. But if he doesn't love himself enough to get out, there is absolutely nothing you can do but be there or disappear. He does not care what his friends think of her. He doesn't want you to talk about it. You are not him and he is not you. So, you can't expect him to have the same perspective and/or reaction.
Author dt311unity Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 So he called me last night to have a beer. I wasn't sure if he was mad or what but we ended up getting together to talk. It turns out that he had told her a little while ago that he was smoking and hiding it from her. Ever since then she hasn't trusted him. He said it got to the point where she would just be making things up in her head about him hiding stuff from her. He ended up breaking it off with her that night. He also thanked me for the honesty I had with him regarding her. It made him think a little about the relationship. Crazy. ----------------- It's funny how some of you responded on here. Don't you guys have close friends? People made it sound like I was stupid to say something like that to him. Him and I have about 5 friends that are basically like brothers. We grew up together and have always been there for one another. If you can't talk to your friend about something and honestly say what you feel, what's the point? After all, friendship is a relationship, right?
summer19 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I have had several serious friends who were my brothers and sisters because i dont feel close to my family at all. I suggested what I did because you already told him the truth. If he wanted to stay with her really bad you telling him he shouldnt would not bring him around you more.You made a point that you didnt like her and you missed hanging with him. I also said that if she was really bad for him that it would end sooner or later. You should say the truth but there will probably be times that if you want your friend its better to keep quiet about something here after youve already said your piece.
sailthemoon Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 i've had a few friends fall into this, and probably have myself as well, the good thing about friends is you can always be honest with them and would hope they can be honest with you if they dont think you made the right choice or vice versa, unfortunately, if they are in love there isnt much you can do other than say how you feel and hope that take that into consideration, don't give up on trying to hang out with them, just try to make a concious effort to involve them in your life so that they dont then look at you as "abandoning them" as well. : )
joh2141 Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Stuff like this... is very difficult. Especially for best friends when it involves a relationship. Granted, it was good of you to try to talk to your friend. You know, you meant to talk to him with good intentions because his girl was making him into a person he's not. However, as hard as this is, if they don't at the very least listen to your opinions with an open mind then it is something they will have to learn and find out himself. I mean, you never know if they really do love each other and it becomes something great. And you also never know it could become a damn Greek tragedy. The best role you can play in all of this is to be his friend and support him silently and positively as you can throughout all of this. You didn't really make a mistake or you weren't in the wrong, but you weren't in the right either. Just make sure you can support him and he knows that. The problem with friendship is that when you tell them something that will hurt but is for the better, they will be irritated. It's so common that it sucks and almost DOES give you the pessimistic idea of never having best friends and just roll out. But, no. I think you should stick by his side and just help him when he needs it. Best of luck, man.
Recommended Posts