CaliGuy Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Just a thought. I know a lot of people are indecisive on the subject of being friends with an ex, but here's my main thought. "I don't want to be reminded of a broken heart and I don't want to remind you of a broken heart." I think that's the main reason I have chosen never to be friends with an ex whether they break up with me or I break up with them. I care enough not to interfere with their healing process. I know I've gone through the reasons why not to be friends with an ex: 1. They want to relieve their guilt. 2. They want you as a back up. 3. They have some emotional/physical need not being met by their current S/O. 4. They are just downright insensitive. 5. All 4 reasons above are selfish. Whatever the case, only you can decide if being friends with your ex is good for you. I can't think of any situation where it's beneficial unless you BOTH have moved on with your lives. And that means you can imagine them in the throws of passion with someone else and you just don't care. Cheers
EmperorR Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Agreed 100 percent, I tried being friends for like two weeks and it was some of the worst weeks of my life. People who I consider as my friends don't betray me say hurtful things and treat me like dirt. I'll never ever be friends with my ex ever, there are to many quality people on this earth that are friend material than someone who hurt me.
burningashes Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Totally. The pain is just not worth keeping the ex around, thank god I finally booted him out. I couldn't be any more happier right now, whether I'm single or not, that relatonship was poisoning me and everything in my life. I have no idea why people are still friends with their exes when they obviously aren't over them. It ended for a reason, they have no business being friends with them. Emperor.. love your signature
pandagirl Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I have been friends with an ex before successfully, but it took like two years of not really talking to get to that point. It took that long to clear the air between us, and we still liked each other as people, so it was easy to become friends again. In fact, his girlfriend and him would come stay at my place when they were visiting. I couldn't care less! And in fact, even though him and his gf are now broken up, I'm still friends with her. One big happy family. However, I am currently navigating friendship with another ex, and that one will not work out. He has a gf, and while I don't want to date him again, there is still attraction/weirdness between us. I used to think I could just suck it up in these situations and deal with those feelings, but it's not really worth it. Maybe in another two years.
urdone Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 The only reason an ex wants to friends is to deal with their own guilt, it has nothing to do with making you feel any better. Case in point....Walks out on you on xmas day, probably cheating, destroys your home, family, future, hopes and dreams, leaves your kid and emotional wreck and rips your heart in two. Then wants to be friends, FXXK HER. You have to ask yourself what qualities they have that you would require in a friend....Lying, cheating, ruthless, cruel...etc. What is she going to ring you with boyfriend troubles and lay her woes on you because you are a friend. BBBBaaaahh, not in this lifetime.
irishsimon Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I have just recently been in touch with an ex who I split up with over 2 yrs ago. It was quite nice actually. She was bi-polar..we went together for 3 yrs and then another two trying to extract ourselves from each other. Its taken me that whole time and meeting another girl to get to that point. You're right...once you're over them its cool to shoot the breeze about the shared experience. But never before.
HappyAgain Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 What I hate the most is the ones who want to be friends only to deal with their guilt or hurt. They say they want to be friends but they're only using you even more. If you break up, you break up, the end. It hurts like hell but in my experience it's the best way to go, at least for longer relationships.
Author CaliGuy Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 What I hate the most is the ones who want to be friends only to deal with their guilt or hurt. They say they want to be friends but they're only using you even more. If you break up, you break up, the end. It hurts like hell but in my experience it's the best way to go, at least for longer relationships. Hence why I say "Using you to meet some need, physically or emotionally" even if that need is just to make themselves feel better. It's a win/lose situation. They win, you lose.
foxh1234 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I agree 100%. I have tried being friends in the past but it never felt right. This time, she really wants friendship, but her motives are wrong and I don't trust her or respect her. Those are key things for me as far as friendship. Move on, let them move on.
Weird Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 based on personal failed attempts at this and attempts by some of my friends, I think being friends with an ex is stupid and a waste of time. If people can make it work then hey, cool beans for them but IMO it is very unlikely to work out and is IMO a waste of time....there is too much baggage there. Oh and I agree that the main reason one initiates this is to get rid of some guilt or some crap.
sad_panda Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I would really want to be friends with my ex, but not now. Our relationship was based on friendship, so I find it wasteful to throw away that friendship just because we didn't work out as lovers. I honestly don't see him as a bad guy. We're just not right for each other. However I would need time to heal. This is precisely why I'm on strict NC, so that we can have a real shot at being friends. I know for a fact that I don't want him as a lover, and I also feel in my gut that he won't ask me to come back to him in the future. With time, I believe we can strike a friendship, though, if all the pain, anger, and bitterness have faded away. Perhaps after two years...but then again maybe I won't care at all by then.
Bluebird In My Heart Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I've been thinking about this one a lot. It's done my head in, going around and around. When I met him they were apart, and it was "over" (LOL). I knew nothing back then, clearly! A step back to examine my motives is is order...I think I am only allowing this friendship (or whatever it is), to keep the door open - just in case. I just don't know. More and more I think I should blow him off. After all, he certainly had no qualms about essentially doing it to me, certainly not giving my feelings a second thought. Why would he? He was and is so bound to her, he can't see what mentioning all of the ups and downs (especially downs), with her is doing to me. He doesn't give it a second thought. And then...when things are rocky with her, he comes to me rather aggressively, looking pathetic and wounded. It gets to me to see him like that, it hurts me and I feel and wonder more than I should. Then, out of the clear blue sky he has a habit of saying, "I wish I could hold you right now." I know he's in an R., so I say it's a shame you can't - you are with her, after all. Like clockwork, he then starts saying he doesn't get enough intimacy/affection from her, but things are looking up, he's trying his hardest to meet her requirements, and when he does, things will get even better. So the door is open, and I'm just as much a party to that as anyone else. I care about him, and I am so confused, upset. I'm pathetic, the only reason I am doing this is because I feel this hope, I want to feel the sense of possibility. Ha. Well, one good thing is I am starting to lose the love I felt for him...that is dying every time he mentions her name...his situation... ...but I feel so...unconsidered. Why the hell is he even wanting me around? I don't get it. I honestly believe it's because he wants me as backup. "I wish you were here, you are lovely..." Then, "I am trying so hard to win her back." ? And when I think of her, how deficient she is, I know I am way better. But no, he has her on a pedestal. Which is natural, I suppose. Normally, I compare myself to no one. I know where that road leads... Slowly starting to dawn, slowwwwwwly... [still don't get why he keeps me around! bleh. confusing.]
amytct Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I speak from experience when I say it never works. I was stupid enough to start communicating with my ex again after nearly two years of no contact and we were talking regularly until he "dropped" me for the third time with the silent treatment. I feel so stupid for letting him back into my life and then having him kick me to the curb like a piece of trash yet again. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I truly despise this man. I think it's sick that he thinks it's Ok to treat people the way he does. He's married now, so I don't expect to ever here from him again, but if I ever did, I'd tell him where he could go, in much harsher words that that.
gerkel Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 My ex tried the old "lets be friends" card also, and to be honest, the person she turned into, I would never be friends with in the first place. If they feel so guilty about what they are doing, then let them handle it on thier own, dont let them use you anymore. Move on, be greatful for what you have, and what you will have in the future, dont live in the past.
haley121 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I think if things end well (no anger or bitterness) and if you spend a lot of time doing NC to heal and get over each other, it's certainly possible to be friends again. It will all depend on the people though and it's something the two would have to feel out as they go along. There can't be any lingering feelings or motives on either side in order for there to be successful friendship. Also, the friendship should probably be very casual. I'm not sure it would be possible for exes to be extremely close friends without one or both developing feelings again. "Just friends" right away is next to impossible though. I tried it once and it was an absolute disaster. Don't do it.
mmk1 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 When people say you cannot be friends when there are lingering feelings, I'll wager this is everytime. Virtually everytime couples split, the dumpee has lingering feelings and therefore you cannot be friends with your ex. I tried for 3 months afer being dumped and no can do. Now its 47 days NC. Walking away and doing NC is rough, but keeping the "friendship" going (as the dumpee always ends up doing) was way rougher. I agree with Cali!
Bluebird In My Heart Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 based on personal failed attempts at this and attempts by some of my friends, I think being friends with an ex is stupid and a waste of time. If people can make it work then hey, cool beans for them but IMO it is very unlikely to work out and is IMO a waste of time....there is too much baggage there. Oh and I agree that the main reason one initiates this is to get rid of some guilt or some crap. I realize this now. Think I made the "transition" a whole lot easier on this guy. Which makes me feel foolish, and used. Worse still, I put myself there, and have no one to blame but myself for being willfully blind Not a good thing to happen when in reality, one should be spending the time healing from what is a true loss here. Also, you are correct in that there really was too much baggage there - I found myself bending over backwards trying to "be good enough" for him, and things he would say/do would bring back the pain so much -just, the utter thoughtlessness, each time a reminder that I don't mean a thing to him, a slap in the face. I felt even worse. That is no position to be in. At all. In a position to ruminate about someone else (who doesn't care much!)...at a time when taking care of you needs to be a priority. I couldn't relax, be myself like I do with someone who is truly a friend. No. Too busy trying to show him how wonderful I am. Screw that. I *know* who I am and what I am about. His opinion needn't matter a whit. Why oh why did I put the way he feels about me, and my suitability to be his partner above how I felt about myself? The bottom line? There is nothing a friendship with this person can give you. Nothing. Think about it. If they are truly your friend, they'll still be available to you after you heal. If they aren't, and you feel you gotta be their buddy right away? Consider why you feel that way. Seriously sit down and think about why it's sooo important to be their friend when you still have feelings for them. Couldn't it wait? If not, why not? And...what are you giving them by going along with it? It's more than you can afford to give, I pretty much guarantee it.
climbergirl Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 It depends on so many things, but in the highest order is what kind of friend they were to you during the relationship (and you were to them). That said, even if you were good/best friends during a relationship it takes some time. My ex fiance (AKA-my daughter's father) is getting married in June and they have invited me to their wedding. I'm very honored by this as I know they are having a very limited invite to the ceremony. But it took us quite a few years to get to this place.
Bluebird In My Heart Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I had to come back to read my old posts, to 'get' why I need to stay away from this guy. It's so hard losing hope, so hard losing...what? I am distraught.
sedgwick Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 My best friend on the planet is my ex-husband. I don't know what I'd do without him. We've been divorced for nine years and have been friends the entire time. I'm also close to another ex with whom I had an amicable breakup. I treasure both of them tremendously!
seductress989 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Being friends with an ex has never worked for me......and that's why it's called a breakup.....it's broken! (as Greg Behrendt would say lol) To me its like beating a dead horse, why would you want to be friends with someone who's a constant reminder of a failed relationship? I would rather make new friends, do some self-improvement and start fresh. You cannot do that if you are still "friends" with an ex. Life's too short to be around those who bring you down!
alwayssme Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 come on seriously...sometimes u can be and sometimes u cant.....people please stop repeating the same things over and over....it doesnt always have to be all or nothing...
Damaged217 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Virtually everytime couples split, the dumpee has lingering feelings and therefore you cannot be friends with your ex. Ain't that the truth! My bf was dumped by his first love after 3 months because she wanted to see what else was out there. They stayed "friends". Throughout our relationship he would let things slip like how much I reminded him of her and that's what attracted him to me. Or, my favorite, "If she hadn't left me, she would have been the one." 11 months ago I found a myspace message telling her he still misses her and that she is so awesome. For some reason, I'm still with him. I've always told him, if we ever break up, I'm not staying friends with him. I'm not going to cause his future girlfriends the same misery that his caused me. All of those insecurities and jealousy ate me up alive. And, personally, I only stayed "friends" with certain exes to have them as a backup or to rub my great life in their face. Sad, but true. I've cut ties with all of them though because what I was doing just isn't cool.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I'm not friends with my exes' either! lol. Your right especially about being the back up! dont be no chicks back up unless your getting some coochie outta it. lol.
Bluebird In My Heart Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I'm not friends with my exes' either! lol. Your right especially about being the back up! dont be no chicks back up unless your getting some coochie outta it. lol. ... Hahahahahahaha! I don't know what it is, but this made me laugh for 5 straight minutes!
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