datura_noir Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 The actions of the MM are your closure; His falling-off-the-face-of-the-earth move is the answer you are seeking.Think of it that way. Unless, of course,you make yourself available for the continuing drama by letting him know you will be there in any way possible even if it is 'just as friends'.... Look, I don't want to add to your sadness in any way, and if it seems like I am being harsh, I am very sorry. I just don't want to be a mealy-mouthed poster with some condescending advice, such as telling you to : "Forget him, girl!It's his loss!Go to a Spa and get the works!Then buy a great outfit and make sure he sees you wearing it!" Because that would be glossing over the facts of your situation.I have re-read all of your posts, Precious. His son has already threatened you, you guys are members of a Church, and adultery is frowned upon even in a mostly secular New Age type of organization,no matter how you slice it. Please gain some strength through family and friends, and read your Bible; really, really read it. It can give alot of comfort to you in this struggle.
Author precious1357 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 The actions of the MM are your closure; His falling-off-the-face-of-the-earth move is the answer you are seeking.Think of it that way. Unless, of course,you make yourself available for the continuing drama by letting him know you will be there in any way possible even if it is 'just as friends'.... Look, I don't want to add to your sadness in any way, and if it seems like I am being harsh, I am very sorry. I just don't want to be a mealy-mouthed poster with some condescending advice, such as telling you to : "Forget him, girl!It's his loss!Go to a Spa and get the works!Then buy a great outfit and make sure he sees you wearing it!" Because that would be glossing over the facts of your situation.I have re-read all of your posts, Precious. His son has already threatened you, you guys are members of a Church, and adultery is frowned upon even in a mostly secular New Age type of organization,no matter how you slice it. Please gain some strength through family and friends, and read your Bible; really, really read it. It can give alot of comfort to you in this struggle. BEST POEM IN THE WORLD! I was shocked, confused, bewildered As I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, Nor the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in Heaven Who made me sputter and gasp --- The thieves, the liars, the sinners, The alcoholics and the trash. There stood the kid from seventh grade Who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor Who never said anything nice. Herb, who I always thought Was rotting away in hell, Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, Looking incredibly well. I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. 'And why's everyone so quiet, So somber - give me a clue.' 'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock. No one expected you.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JUDGE NOT!!!
jwi71 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 JUDGE NOT!!! And why not? (love the poem - its great)
datura_noir Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Nice poem, but I fail to see your point.... Being a Christian, surely you know that sinners are forgiven when they repent (I was wrong),and sin no more (I will follow the path of righteousness from now on) . Also, the term 'Judge not' simply means that none of us should judge whether or not another is a sinner and will enter Heaven. I never stated that you were a sinner, or that you will not enter the kingdom of Heaven;just stated what your bible says.And it says Adultery is a sin (it's a commandment,no?). However, since I am not a practising Christian, I don't feel the need to stop "judging" anyone. I make judgements everyday about things big and small and so do you and others. If that gets me sent to H*ll, then so be it, I'll have plenty of company.
Author precious1357 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Sometimes the responses have a "judgmental/condemnation" tone...I thought this site was to find support, not particularly for the actions done, but for the anguish that some people may go through. I'm definitely not looking for someone to condone my actions, I actually hate what I've done but what's done is done...I put myself on this site so I have to take what comes with the good support.
Owl Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 P, I don't understand. No one posted a single "judgemental" response until you posted a poem instructing people not to judge. And even after that...no one passed judgement on YOU...all they did was say that judging others is a standard part of society. Then you go on about what kind of support you feel that this site should be providing... What gives? What are you really hoping to get out of this? What "support" are you asking for? Most people will provide "support" to you here...even support for you to deal with the emotional morass you find yourself in. BUT...that support typically will include steps in how to get OUT of that funk too. Think about it...there's no value to anyone if you come for support, but are taking no action to actually get yourself out of the situation that caused you to feel this way in the first place. What "support", exactly, are you hoping to find here on LS?
Author precious1357 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 P, I don't understand. No one posted a single "judgemental" response until you posted a poem instructing people not to judge. And even after that...no one passed judgement on YOU...all they did was say that judging others is a standard part of society. Then you go on about what kind of support you feel that this site should be providing... What gives? What are you really hoping to get out of this? What "support" are you asking for? Most people will provide "support" to you here...even support for you to deal with the emotional morass you find yourself in. BUT...that support typically will include steps in how to get OUT of that funk too. Think about it...there's no value to anyone if you come for support, but are taking no action to actually get yourself out of the situation that caused you to feel this way in the first place. What "support", exactly, are you hoping to find here on LS? Support, such as not being POUNCED ON...thanks everyone and understanding that my brain is coming through my ears...my heart is breaking and my chest is hurting...do you understand that and I just don't know what to do and yet I know exactly what to do and it takes sometime to do what I know I must but in all of that, I'm hurting and guilty...
Author precious1357 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 No one posted a single "judgemental" response until you posted a poem instructing people not to judge. I received the poem in an email and I emailed it to my coworkers and thought I would share it with LS. I wasn't saying someone was being judgmental...sorry...
Owl Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I've gone back and re-read this thread three times now. I cannot for the life of me see a single "pounce". I don't see a single person trashing you, or denouncing you, or otherwise giving you a rough time. Even I'm not here trying to bash you...I'm simply trying to understand what you're looking for here, and why you're angry/hurt about the responses you've received so far. We get that you're hurting...that's been said repeatedly here. I get it, I have no doubt that you're hurting as a result of all of this. I'm sorry that you're hurting, but there's little to be done by anyone until you make the choice to do the things you need to do for yourself. Even that isn't condemning you...it's a simple statement of fact. What, specifically, is causing you so much pain right at this time? That OM isn't contacting you as often as he had in the past? The fear that it might be coming to an end between you? The guilt for being in a relationship with him? And what are you hoping that we on LS can do to help you deal with it?
datura_noir Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I was hoping you wouldn't think that I was pouncing on you, I know you are hurt and I should have been more sensitive.I really tried to be supportive and practical,and I am sorry if I came across any differently. Sometimes it is hard to gauge intent when reading a post as opposed to talking in person; (don't even get me started on the lost art of communication!) If you were here I would probably buy us a bottle of wine and watch some old movies, or listen to lousy '70's music. You are in an awful amount of pain-that is obvious. But, there is no way around that pain; you will have to feel every bit of it, every ounce,all aspects of it.Because there are no other alternatives, other than numbing it with drugs or alcohol, or something even more horrible. If you have ever grieved the loss of a loved one, you know the process. And it sucks. It's not fair. You cry until your eyes feel like they will pop out of your head. But you have to feel all that because, well, it's what we do. The MM has his issues to deal with; he probably feels very guilty for his actions, and won't face you. Please don't fall into his grip again, post here and be strong! I don't know about you, but I'm getting too old for any bull like this in my life:laugh:I want a nice normal quiet life with my family and friends, I can't do drama anymore. I leave that to the kiddies.
jwi71 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Precious, You are still actively engaged in the A. You have changed NOTHING so your life will NOT change. How can you expect your life to improve when you DO NOTHING to improve it? To be blunt, the ONLY way to end an A is COLD TURKEY. You simply END it. You do NOT have any contact with your lover at all. Period. There is NO reason to do so and every contact is a SETBACK. Its very much like a heroin addict who says "I will only have a little heroin so its ok". How can you expect to break the habit when you continue to indulge? Every dose continues the addiction. And NOTHING changes. No one can support you until you decide to change. And end it. COLD TURKEY. Our fictious heroin addict can go to a support group. He/she can get a sponsor - a person who HOLDS the ADDICT ACCOUNTABLE. That's the real beauty of those groups - to force the addict to change via accountability. The addict eff's up and the sponsor and the group at large hold his/her feet to the fire. In public. ACCOUNTABILITY. There are NO "affair support groups" I am aware of. No 12 step program to help you recover your life and well being. No sponsor to "give you the business" when you slip up and reengage your MM/MW. The only ACTION I can think of is NC. COLD TURKEY NO CONTACT. Not true, here's another idea. Go to your pastor. Approach the congregation at your church. Inform them of the A, how, like a drug addict, you cannot end it on your own and you need help. Specifically their help. Out him and yourself. Name names. Go public. Build your own support group. Just like the faceless anonymous posters on this board, you WILL find people who will help you even though they judge you. So precious - what CAN YOU CHANGE? WHAT can YOU DO?
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