katie82 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 hey everyone! i need some advice on how to get over this hangup. i have been obsessing about it lately and i think i need someone to tell me its NOT a big deal and to move on. but i have ocd tendencies and i think they are creeping in here.... my boyfriend is an amazing person, seriously. we get along great, have a very healthy relationship etc. i admire him as a person and hes extremely sweet, caring and smart one thing that has been bothering me is that he tends to be less social than i am. i like to go out alot and i have lots of friends. he is more of a homebody and doesnt really have many friends. i think he has trouble making friends and has had the same handful of friends since high school. i am just worried about this in that i constantly am feeling like maybe something deep down is wrong that he's not telling me. like, does he have some social anxiety issues that i just dont know about? will this be an issue if we get married and he has no friends to hang out with? i just want him to be happy and i am worried that his lack of friends is a reflection of him not being happy. i also worry that other people in my life will interpret his lack of friends as something serious (my family, friends etc) i have never told him this flat out- but we have discussed the friends issue before in a different sense, and he tells me that he's perfectly happy with the way things are in his life any advice? i think i am getting a little obsessive about this issue. i want to just get over it and move on with my life. thanks katie
dreamergrl Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 If he says he's happy, leave him be. Not everyone likes a lot of friends, or to go out. You just need to accept him for him. It's not as if he has no friends (then yes, I'd be concerned).
fral945 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 i am just worried about this in that i constantly am feeling like maybe something deep down is wrong that he's not telling me. like, does he have some social anxiety issues that i just dont know about? will this be an issue if we get married and he has no friends to hang out with? A lot more men tend to be loners than women (including myself). There are people that don’t get as much stimulation from social situations (i.e., introverts). If he appears happy and says he is happy I see no reason to question it. As far as having no friends when you're married, I thought that was already a given for most guys that you had to give up your friends when you get married. But seriously, I doubt that's going to be a problem. I think you'd have more of an issue if he had lots of friends. i just want him to be happy and i am worried that his lack of friends is a reflection of him not being happy. i also worry that other people in my life will interpret his lack of friends as something serious (my family, friends etc) If he’s happy and you’re happy what everyone else thinks doesn’t matter. Reality is more important than your (or anyone else's) perception of reality. It sounds like your have a certain image and expectation of how a person lives that makes them happy and that is what is causing you the worry. any advice? i think i am getting a little obsessive about this issue. i want to just get over it and move on with my life. I think you are trying to put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes when you and he are wired differently. If you had few friends like he does you'd probably be miserable. If he lived like you he would probably be miserable. I personally would be worn out and misreable if I was constantly going to social events and always interacting with people. Just accept that you are different (introvert vs. extrovert) and are both happy in your lives. You just achieve that happiness in different ways.
Author katie82 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 thanks- yeah- i tend to get very caught up in worrying what others think and i let it influence me way too much. i do have this deep fear that others will somehow think he's a loser or something if they realize how few friends he has. i know its kind of irrational- but i think about it all the time. like, i compare his social life to other guys social lives. its so bad. i hate admitting that! i guess its an issue with me and not him. this is why i think i have ocd
norajane Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 If you care more about what others think, that says a lot more about you than it does him. Why do you care so much what other people might think? Do your feelings about him change depending on what your friends think of him? If so, then your feelings for him aren't very strong or genuine. He has a handful of friends he's known for a long time, since high school, and whom he sticks by and who stick by him. Those are the kind of friends to cherish - the ones who know you and care about you and aren't just good-time people to hang out with. Those friends will be his lifelong friends, the people who will be in his life 20, 30, 40 years from now. Can you say the same about your friends? If so, then they will only care about your happiness, not whether your bf has a stableful of casual acquaintances or a handful of old friends that are keepers.
Author katie82 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 norajane- my feelings for him are definitely genuine. i do agree that for me to be 100% in this relationship i need to get over this stupid issue. i guess a part of me feels like it could be a thing with incompatibility as well? so far in the past 2 years it has not really been an issue. but if we were to get married do you think that it could be an issue down the line? i tend to think that once you're married with kids, all of this social stuff kind of fades away as you spend most of your time w/ your spouse and kids. if thats the case then none of this really even matters....
carhill Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Double-edged sword. An outgoing, friendly, extroverted man can also be seen as a flirtatious man. The key is bending. Does he go out with you? Not every time, but enough that your desire to socialize is validated? Do you value the alone time you spend with him in "his world" and show him that value? In a healthy LTR, acceptance and caring (validating the other person's perspective) flows back and forth. How is your flow?
Author katie82 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 also- we have been talking about getting engaged in the next year. i think now that its becoming so serious i am getting scared and looking for things to be worried about. is that normal?
norajane Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 How old are you? Yes, as time goes by, your number of friends diminishes. Your college friends move away, create lives different from yours and your best buddies may eventually be people you drift apart from and never speak with. Post-college, your friends are the ones you share interests with. They're the ones you party with, often many are people you work with. They, too, drift away after they get married and move to the suburbs to start having children. Work friends tend to drift away when they or you change jobs. Once you marry and have kids, your group of friends changes to those who are also couples or couples with kids. Eventually, you end up with a core group that has been with you through thick and thin, and a bunch of satellite friends who revolve in and out of your life, depending on the life stage you are in and they are in. Having a ton of friends now means nothing.
carhill Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 also- we have been talking about getting engaged in the next year. i think now that its becoming so serious i am getting scared and looking for things to be worried about. is that normal? Well, I can tell you that the most often voiced complaint my wife has is that "we never go anywhere". No matter that we've traveled all over the world, have friends in many countries and both are elites with our major airlines due to our travels. If I don't want to go to a movie, or grab a bite or stop at a friends house, it's "we never go anywhere". Oh, yeah, if I want to spend one day of a vacation vegging and doing nothing, it's "you can do that at home; why fly halfway around the world to sit around?" Are you like this with your BF? If so, probably better not to get married This is what our psychologist calls "disparate perspectives".
Author katie82 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 i am 26.... actually my boyfriend and i are pretty compatible when it comes to what we want to do as a couple (mostly stay in and hang out at home, go out as a couple sometimes- and every now and then hang out with my friends but never his friends b/c he doesnt have many friends where we live right now- they are all over teh country) its more that when i have alone time i am more social and when he has alone time he is less social. i guess i am overanalyzing....
Geishawhelk Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 ....its more that when i have alone time i am more social and when he has alone time he is less social. i guess i am overanalyzing.... So when you are without him, on your own and by yourself, you tend to socialise and be with others, and when he's without you, on his own and by himself, he tends to NOT socialise and be with others..... Yup. You're over-analysing. What's it to you what he does with his own time? I think it's very healthy that you do stuff on your own (both of you) rather than be joined at the hip!
Author katie82 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 yes, i see your point. i definitely agree that we each need our alone time. i guess i feel guilty when i go out with friends and he stays home. i wish he was out with friends so i wouldnt feel like i was leaving him behind!
carhill Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 It's when you don't feel a bit guilty, or perhaps better described as "connected", that you can infer the R is heading into the toilet. IOW, he's not on your mind and it doesn't matter. You have differing styles. As long as you each respect the other's style and find common ground to blend them, you'll be fine
Author katie82 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 thanks carhill- i never thought of it that way. i guess feeling guilty isnt such a bad thing in that perspective. i also think i am exaggerating his "loneliness" in my head. he has friends but mostly long distance. i guess it appears worse than it is.
Recommended Posts