DEEPDOWNUNDER Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Hello all, Im 24 and have recently found a 26 yr old girl that i love. However there is a few things bothering me. One is the fact that she has been with a pretty few guys in the past amounting to 13, which does turn me off and have not yet been able to forget about that. I guess being raised in a traditional household make me feel grossed about her little army of men. Number two, I occasionally get a feeling she is `easy`. She gets drunk really easy and I am not sure if she is truly commited. Number three, she wants to go to the UK which may mean a long distance relationship for us for a year. I dont know i want to take the risk of going all the way there to later break up with her. She has occasionally mentioned that she will wait for me, but how can i trust her to be faithful after hearing her past and knowing that she can be sorta easy. I love her and I often feel i want to marry her, but sometimes i just feel i cant.. Also she occasionally gets phonecalls from a number of her ex`s and never reveals my existance. What should i do ? should i leave or pursue ? Please help...
Ramrod Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Trust your gut instinct, which is telling you she can not be trusted and she's not ready for marriage, and by the looks of things, she's not ready to tell her exe's she's off the market. There are many fish in the sea, some women aren't cut-out for marriage, she seems to be one of them. Has she mentioned marriage to you? Has she even mentioned monogamy to you? Have you both defined your relationship? It sounds to me like you want more than she is either ready to give or capable of giving. I know love is blind, and the heart wants what the heart wants but you should let her know your ready to play the field given your circumstance while she's away.
Bryanp Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 If she is still getting phone calls from her ex and refusing to even tell them about you; then I think it is a pretty good sign that she is a player and not really committed to you. She sounds like a girl who likes to have a lot of men on a string. Everything you have written sounds like you will get hurt. You should think about moving on and finding somebody who shares your values. Again what do you think it means that she keeps getting calls from her ex's and refuses to tell them about you or that she is even in a relationship? The message that she is giving to them seems pretty clear. She is showing great disrespect to you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
Author DEEPDOWNUNDER Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 thank you for your comments, i have gained your insight and its really appreciated.
c-riouz Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 You guys are all too quick with your judgement on her and you are suffering from retroactive jealousy and / or the madonna / whore complex. Read some threads about it here in order to gain more insight, because in that regard her past is your problem, not hers. Now, I can identify with your girlfriend on some level, so let me explain what MIGHT be going on with her. I had my fair share of guys in the past too, and being with the love of my life now, hindsight it was all worthless, and if I had the choice I would erase the past and wait for my one and only. Why I did it? To sum it up, I was looking for love in the wrong places (or rather: I confused love and sex, means I thought I had to give sex in order to receive love) and poor judgement. So maybe she feels the same way, and it doesn't speak for an unconditional (!) love on your side either if you judge her because of that. I also did not introduce or tell my friends about my new love either, because my past relationships turning out to be disappointing has made me cautious. I didn't want to tell my friends about something promising (only to be disappointed again) as long as I couldn't be sure that it's really long-term, which I had to wait and see for. (See my signature.) And because of aforementioned poor judgement in the past I couldn't trust my own judgement anymore. So I released the information gradually, to close friends first only, and after I felt really safe and secure in that relationship, I would tell "the world". Maybe it's the same with her. That's my perspective in a nutshell, so think about it before you pass judgement and make a decision which could destroy an otherwise good relationship.
JoeNat Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Well I just broke up with a girl of 7 months due to some of these things. First I dont know how many guys she was with and I didn't want to know. She asked me and I said we will never have this conversation because there is no reason to. Now in regards to the ex bf being told about me I had a huge problem with that. There is only one reason in my mind why somebody can't tell an ex about their new love, they want to keep them in their back pocket.. Ontop of the fact that I have a complete problem with anybody staying in contact with an ex.. You seem like you cant trust her and your probably right. My opinion is see if you can hang in there and see if she changes some of her ways, dont force her to change but see if your love means more to her then other things. If not then you know what to do, its hard but worth it in the end. Besides your young (I'm only 25 myself) we got plenty of time
lkjh Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 You guys are all too quick with your judgement on her and you are suffering from retroactive jealousy and / or the madonna / whore complex. Read some threads about it here in order to gain more insight, because in that regard her past is your problem, not hers. Now, I can identify with your girlfriend on some level, so let me explain what MIGHT be going on with her. I had my fair share of guys in the past too, and being with the love of my life now, hindsight it was all worthless, and if I had the choice I would erase the past and wait for my one and only. Why I did it? To sum it up, I was looking for love in the wrong places (or rather: I confused love and sex, means I thought I had to give sex in order to receive love) and poor judgement. So maybe she feels the same way, and it doesn't speak for an unconditional (!) love on your side either if you judge her because of that. I also did not introduce or tell my friends about my new love either, because my past relationships turning out to be disappointing has made me cautious. I didn't want to tell my friends about something promising (only to be disappointed again) as long as I couldn't be sure that it's really long-term, which I had to wait and see for. (See my signature.) And because of aforementioned poor judgement in the past I couldn't trust my own judgement anymore. So I released the information gradually, to close friends first only, and after I felt really safe and secure in that relationship, I would tell "the world". Maybe it's the same with her. That's my perspective in a nutshell, so think about it before you pass judgement and make a decision which could destroy an otherwise good relationship. C-riouz, We have to judge her from what he has told us. We can not simply make up hypothetical situations in order to make this girl marriage worthy. What we do know is that she has a wild past, communications with her ex's, and she wants to leave for a while. Lets start with the first one. I know people now of days say the past does not matter but guess what........it does. People's past behavior is a good indicator of who they are. Ya they may be a few people who are the exception but for the sake of this forum we have to go with the general rule. Also someone who has given them self to a bunch of people does not take sex seriously. The second one about the ex's speaks for itself. When in a committed relationship you should get rid of your ex's. Now it is possible that someone has one ex that is really just a friend but multiple ones. Thats a big no no. The last one is ok if you can trust her. Judging by the first two it seems you are having trouble doing this.
lamaman3 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Have you slept with this girl? I always find it funny that guys would judge a girl for being "easy" and having sex with people she wasnt committed to...while at the same time having sex with her when they obviously have doubts about her, thinking of breaking up with her, and obviously arent very committed to her either!
chrislovestosurf Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 cut her loose immediately, especially if she is going to the UK for a year. A) who would want to go to the UK? and B) it wont work, she is going to hook up with other dudes. She'll be at either 15 or 16 by the time she comes back. What happens in the UK stays in the UK- you'll never know. Find a girl who doesnt like the UK and isnt easy.
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