Just discovered unfaithful behaviour today ... so depressed

[Strong One]

I have been with my husband for 10 years. We've had a low frequency sex life for the last 5 years. He complains about it and I have put in some effort but overall we would both get a poor score in the effort dept. I know I should try way harder to be more sexually intimate.

 

My husband goes out alot with his friends sometimes fairly late. I'm very 'cool' in this regard - he has his freedom. Although he has never cheated on me (as far as I know), lately I've been worried he may cheat on me.

 

Last night I went to bed and he went out to meet the guys. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was still not home - I felt unsettled. I think he got home btwn 4-5 AM. This morning I awoke & checked his blackberry. I found a thread that suggests to me he slept or was intimate with someone and will see her again. This may be the start of an affair – or I’m not sure exactly what it is, but I know it is not good. Here is the text thread from 5:30 AM this morning:

 

H: Do I really have to wait until Tuesday to see you? You look beautiful while you sleep.

O: I’d be lying is I said you didn’t. You too.

H: Can’t wait to see you again. Sleep well.

O: I’ll see you soon.

 

In reading through some of the advice on this site tonight I did NOT handle this well. I told him I had a dream he cheated on me last night and asked him about it including her name. He denied it, said he would never cheat, and didn’t know a girl named ‘X'. I told him I loved him and wanted to turn our love life around. I asked him not to start cheating on me if there was anything at all going on. I said let’s go on a date next week and he said “yes how about Monday” … I said I was busy. So he said “how about Tuesday?” So sad, because it doesn’t mean anything … he can just reschedule with her for another night. He will also make sure he guards his blackberry 24/7 at a minimum he knows my radar is up. Now I've shown him even though I suspect he may have cheated, I'm desperate & will also have sex with him.

 

What should I do? How can I stop this from going further?

 

I’m really scared ... and so sad ... his words "you look beautiful while you sleep" are killing me

 

Thanks in advance for your advice

[sw1911ct]

You definitely handled the confrontation poorly. But don't beat yourself up over that. It is not too late to confront him with what you found. Your going through his phone violated his privacy and his first reaction will to be angry about it. That violation of privacy pales in comparison to what you found. You have some serious decisions to make, and how he reacts to your confrontation should be a major factor.

 

Look, I did something similar to my girlfriend, although it was all talk with an ex girlfriend. I didn't deny anything when she confronted me with it. I should have admitted it to her sooner. She is talking to me but we are clearly not back together and this was a month ago. I might not deserve a second chance but that's not going to keep me from trying. You seem like you are ready to or have already forgiven him for it and just want things to be normal again. I'm not sure that's what I would recommend. I would never repeat the same behavior again, and that's for a lot of reasons. But the biggest is because I saw how truly hurt my girlfriend was over this, and there is no way I will ever make her feel that way again.

 

He needs to know exactly how this makes you feel and then you can gauge his reaction to it and see if he's worth a second chance. But he better be darn convincing. You have pretty concrete evidence so if all you get is denials then I'd let him take a hike. The minimum he can do is be honest after being busted. It aint nearly as good as coming clean on his own but...

 

Most people on this site will tell you that once a cheater always a cheater. I disagree with blanket rulings like that, but that is based on pretty strong statistics so don't rule it out.

 

Good luck I hope you get whatever will make you happy for the years to come, and not just the weeks or months to come.

[LucreziaBorgia]

One thing you need to understand and accept: he has cheated on you and its been going on for a while. His being out 'fairly late' is time he is spending with this OW. Trust me - the whole 'watching someone while they sleep' is something that suggests intimacy beyond a hookup that is either fairly new or hasn't happened yet.

 

Another thing to understand about a cheater: if you confront them with anything but concrete, solid proof - and I mean to the point where you can provide times, dates and printouts, they will deny it. So will the OW if you confront. When someone wants to be in an affair, the mantra is: deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie. Never, ever ask if they are having an affair or do the passive 'I dreamed about it' thing. They will simply call your bluff and lie because they know you don't know. They'll CONVINCE you they aren't cheating.

 

The only thing you accomplished is making him be a little better at hiding it. I suspect you won't find anything on his blackberry again. Either that or you'll find yourself password locked out of it and his computer.

 

So, what to do? Consider yourself back at step negative one. You now have to find proof. Get a GPS and affix it to the underside of his car. Get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car. Get detailed printouts of his cell bills. Hire a PI if you can afford it.

 

Your goal is not to snoop and find out if he is having an affair. You already know he is. Your goal is to get solid proof so that you can confront him with it.

 

You can cry, beg, plead, even threaten to kill yourself and you know what? It won't work. A cheater does not end an affair for your benefit or any altruistic reasons. The only way a cheater will end an affair is if you bust him in the middle of it, expose both him and the OW he is cheating with, and hold a hot iron to his balls with the mother of all divorce/alimony settlements.

 

That is the only way to end an affair: to force it to end with very serious and heavy and real consequences if it does not.

 

Until you get to that point there is nothing you can do to save your marriage. You have to make him get rid of the OW first.

[Untouchable_Fire]

What should I do? How can I stop this from going further?

 

I’m really scared ... and so sad ... his words "you look beautiful while you sleep" are killing me

 

Thanks in advance for your advice

 

You need to decide if you want this marriage. That should be step one.

 

I may be able to provide an interesting perspective because I have been in a very similar situation as your husband.

 

If it is very hard to get your wife to be intimate with you... it really takes a toll. I put up a great front, because I wanted it to work, but on the inside, I lost trust and hope.

 

I hope things turn out well for you and your husband!