carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 FWIW, that "closed" aura and the resultant actions are the main impetus for my consideration of divorce. My wife had some very negative experiences in her past and has a psychological block to "opening" up and becoming vulnerable. In my naive and inexperienced state when I was dating her, I thought it would get better over time. It didn't. For a guy who doesn't need or desire that, no biggie. For me, especially now with MC defining my needs clearly, I have to have that intimacy and complete vulnerability to have a healthy relationship. I call it the elemental connection. I don't know if you have experienced that, where you feel like one entity, but, having felt it, I have no fear of risking it. Perhaps that is a sign of age. When I look at my 87 y/o mother staring at the ceiling in a blank psychotic state, I think "wow, I'm only 37 years behind her". Life is short. Don't waste it. Trust me
Author pr-girl Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Life is short. Don't waste it. Trust me Carhill, this is the first time since my ex that I actually feel like I'm open to date again. Maybe even have a relationship with a man. I felt alive again when this guy and I began communicating. Maybe that's why I like him. You know that giddy, exciting butterfly feeling you get when you meet someone new? I felt that. I thought I was dead inside before. Now maybe I've made a couple mistakes. Maybe I should've told him that texting all the time isn't my favorite way to communicate. Also, maybe I shouldn't have said that weeknights are rough on me when I go out. This may have halted any desire for him to ask me out during the week. When he texts me, he mentions how busy I am and that whenever I have time, I should "hit him up" - anytime. It's like he's leaving it open for me. I don't talk about how busy I am to him, but when he asks what I'm doing, I always tell him - and it's always work-related. So, I guess he sees that I'm out and about often for work. Since I don't get excited by most men very easily, I didn't want to just move on so quickly. Besides, I usually move past guys so fast (in the beginning), I thought maybe I should give this guy a shot. Since I have a hard time getting over breakups, I'm wanting to take this slow. But, if we never see each other or talk on the phone, it could take years to get to know him. You know what I mean?
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 You know what I mean? Well, yeah, come to think of it, I kinda do. It really starts to sink in when I see the daughter (not mine) I knew as an infant now holding an infant of her own in her arms and I look at her mother and go "well, I guess I'll be pushing your wheelchair around in the nursing home" Sometimes it does take a lifetime to get to know someone.
Charles1978 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 The emails that "scared him off" were on Match.com. He said women were pushy or unintelligent or completely sexually open and it scared him. I can completely understand this. He's also a Facebook friend of mine. He doesn't have that many women on his page - so, I don't think that is the issue. What I don't understand is that it seems as though he doesn't know HOW to date. He calls me "timid" on text. I am SO not. Also, when I initially asked him out, we went back and forth for hours joking about it and other stuff. Eventually, only after I was annoyed, I text him, "So are you free Saturday? If you're busy, no worries. Just tell me." Then he responded, "Yes, Ms. C, I would love to spend time with you on Saturday. :)" I then responded, "OMG. That only took 5 hours to get out of you!" Then he wrote, "It took 5 hours for you to spit it out! It was painful - like watching a young deer learn how to walk." What this interaction tells me is that he loves to play games and that he was waiting for ME to ask HIM out. (Keep in mind, I wasn't begging for a date for 5 hours. We had discussed us meeting up among other things in the interim). Wow he is playing you by the book. Seriously. Please stop overthinking this. This guy doesn't have as many female "fans" as you think he does. The best thing you can do is treat him like a garbage man and see where it goes. Otherwise, he will multiply you by 100 and tell the next girl he meets in a month about you... or yall, I should say. Please... take my advice. DO NOT ASK HIM OUT
Author pr-girl Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Wow he is playing you by the book. Seriously. Please stop overthinking this. This guy doesn't have as many female "fans" as you think he does. The best thing you can do is treat him like a garbage man and see where it goes. Otherwise, he will multiply you by 100 and tell the next girl he meets in a month about you... or yall, I should say. Please... take my advice. DO NOT ASK HIM OUT I thought so. It seems so rehearsed. Like he's making an effort to play these games. Ugh. Why do men do this? I know it's a naive question, but seriously. What does he expect to get out of it? I haven't reached out to him since he last reached out to me on Monday night. I'm keeping it that way. I have other options. I was just hoping he'd be one of them. When he does reach out, I'll be cool, but I'm not pursuing.
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Why do men do this? Hello! Because it works. Men are creatures of familiarity. Once they find a method which works, they put that in the "pick up" box and put that box away for future use. I've heard men use exactly the same "lines" on women over and over again, not even individualizing any of it. Hey, TBH, I shouldn't talk; they were getting laid and I presume that's all that mattered to them at the time. A good question to ask yourself would be, if this guy had been a gentleman, polite and honest and timely and had asked you out, would you have found him boring? Be honest
Author pr-girl Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 He has been very funny, witty (even matching my wit - haha), smart, attentive (while on the phone and while with me), respectful of my schedule, and very sweet when we are not giving each other grief. I didn't find him boring and if he was showing me more attention, I wouldn't find him boring. Honest. I'm attracted to his humor, intelligence and physical being. i just wish I had more time with him. Why would he be playing me if he's not seeing me? We are not having sex. We haven't even kissed each other. I was happy in the beginning because I thought this was nice. A man who didn't try and kiss me the second we went out. He was respectful. He told me he was attracted to me later - in a respectful way. I'm going to try and do what Charles said and just not overthink it. I read into everything in my life - it's annoying. This guy may like me and I just expect too much right now. Maybe, he's just being a good guy and taking it slow, keeping in mind I've been busy. Maybe? Maybe not. I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. If I don't hear from him within the next few days, I'll know he's not interested anymore.
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Yeah, if he's on the tube and you haven't heard from him I guess you can rule out his death as a reason for no contact
Charles1978 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I'm a guy and I can tell you... a lot of us are infected by this. Should I call? How long should I wait? Will she think I'm needy? Will she think I'm clingy? Blah blah blah... One thing I have always done and always will do is make my intentions known. Sometimes it backfires, but other times it works... and all the BS is out of the way. But don't play these games. There really are guys out there who tell you what they want and say what they mean and act on their desires. You're doing the right thing. Just stick with it.
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