porter218 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 It always happens this way for me. I don't know why. Every time I finally get comfortable and tell everyone how happy I am the ***** hits the fan. I just told every single person I know how good my M has become in the past year. I was finally at ease with my H and I was feeling unreasonably happy...well I guess it was unreasonable. We have finally ended our M . I love him so much, it is really hurting me to do this...I don't feel ready. I just don't want to wait and let it get ugly. I am 90% sure he is cheating again in the last couple weeks. He is lying about where he is, coming home really really late, and I have found that he has been at a females house when he claimed to be somewhere else. This time I don't even feel like putting forth the energy to find the specifics, I want to spare myself that type of heartache. There has been many clues in the last 3 weeks that led me to beleive he is cheating and 4 days ago we finally agreed to divorce and go our separate ways. This time he didn't really put up any fight he just said OK, threw some money on the desk on his way out and said "call me if you need me to babysit the kids". WTF? Way too easy. So suspect, I wouldn't doubt his ex girlfriend is back in his life. I just feel so drained by this sudden change in circumstances. Next time I feel happy....I will f**king keep it to myself!
NYCmitch25 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I understand your "humiliation", but honestly this guy is probably trying to appease you and himself at the same time (if you know what I mean). It is what it is, and it's certainly high time to move forward and toot another horn -- see things for what they are. Your naivety about your relationship is clouding your judgment because of desperation to see it's success -- sadly this idealized view isn't helpful at all though. Hence you are unwittingly enabling things a bit (among other things) -- and honestly the both of you would be best served working things out with a professional. Good luck.
melodymatters Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I am so sorry ! You just had a baby daughter too, didn't you ? I remember your " happy' post, and even then I was a bit ...bummed for you that he had cheated in the past. But now he's still at it ? Right after you have a new baby ? Yes, it is terribly sad, but you have to let him go.
Author porter218 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 and honestly the both of you would be best served working things out with a professional. Good luck. Been there done that. I just don't have the energy.
Author porter218 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 I am so sorry ! You just had a baby daughter too, didn't you ? I remember your " happy' post, and even then I was a bit ...bummed for you that he had cheated in the past. But now he's still at it ? Right after you have a new baby ? Yes, it is terribly sad, but you have to let him go. Yes, she is now one month old according to her due date. Even if he isn't cheating, he is lying and I can't deal with that. I am letting him go. I have set the D in motion and it will be back dated to April since you need to be separated for one year where I live. So I guess on April Fools day I will no longer be his fool.
2sure Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Now is a good time to move on. Your daughter is going to give you the strength, courage and JOY to fix this for her. In this case, fixing it means making a life for you that does not involve you and him. Look at it as having enough information to KNOW that it is over, to KNOW that you are making the right decision. You dont have to wonder. We dont always have the luxery of that sure knowledge when we make life's decisoins. You've been empowered.
Author porter218 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Look at it as having enough information to KNOW that it is over, to KNOW that you are making the right decision. You dont have to wonder. We dont always have the luxery of that sure knowledge when we make life's decisoins. You've been empowered. The thing that bothers me is I don't KNOW that I am making the right decision, but I know that I am making it anyway. I don't actually KNOW that he was cheating.
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Porter, I'm so sorry to hear this news. Your husband (or soon to be ex husband) is a selfish FOOL and one day he's going to regret not giving you his absolute best. I know it hurts as you tried your best. Take care of you and your kids.
2sure Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 He is lying about where he is, coming home really really late, and I have found that he has been at a females house when he claimed to be somewhere else. This time I don't even feel like putting forth the energy to find the specifics, I want to spare myself that type of heartache. You say you arent SURE. Well, you are SURE he is lying. And you are SURE he is not being honest and transparent.
imagine Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Hi there Porter, From old posts, you are a tough old cookie. I'm sure that with your investigative mind you can talk to your folks and find something out. Look, I would reassess your Policy Of Joint Agreement (Hey, you know I'm going to sent you back to the MB articles, don't yer!)
Crestfallen_KH Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Porter, I'm so sorry to hear this. The truth is that you DO know. You've been through this before - your instincts are keenly trained in this regard so you DO know. I have always applauded you for sticking it out and trying. You have absolutely, 100% earned your way out of your marriage. Sanity, self-respect and standing up for you AND your daughter are all good, wonderful things. Although it's going to be hard, I can promise you that you won't regret choosing them. Good luck and take care of yourself.
Author porter218 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 From old posts, you are a tough old cookie. I'm sure that with your investigative mind you can talk to your folks and find something out. I could do that, but I see no point. Even if there is nothing more to it then a pointless lie, it still shows that he feels like lying to me is OK. I get too wound up and upset when I start digging deep to find info. I don't want my daughter to see this side of us. She never had to see us go through any drama like my son has, and I want her to remain oblivious. I want this D to be painless for the kids.
NYCmitch25 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Been there done that. I just don't have the energy. OK ... actually that first response was my safe conclusion, I would actually say that you should leave him but YOU will surely need some help regardless. Honestly I didn't like the thread, your feelings -- it seemed to indicate someone who was too idealistic and myopic about such serious things.
Author porter218 Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 it seemed to indicate someone who was too idealistic and myopic about such serious things. Maybe it sounds that way because it would take a book to really explain how thing are with us. I understood when I took him back 1yr ago that it very likely would end this way. I just don't like to make life changing decisions based on fear...that is no way to live at all. We have been to counseling and worked out many of the kinks in our relationship, but I guess at the end of the day this is just who he wants to be:o. I see nothing wrong with seeing the good in people even when they have done wrong. My H is a great father, a very loving man, and in most ways the perfect man for me....but just a huge failure at being a H. I have paid my dues, I tried.
imagine Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Porter, I am sorry for you. You've had a rough run. A serial cheater is heavy maintenance.
Author porter218 Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 So here is what has been going on since the last post. I decided that I needed more concrete evidence to end a marriage that felt this good. I felt like I knew he had been cheating, but for me to really let go I had to see something that couldn't be disputed. He continued coming home late but claiming there was nobody else.. he loved me and would never want to hurt me again blah blah blah. He was turning the GPS off in his phone. On Valentines day he left after we came home from dinner to "pick up some equipment" he had left at work. Then finally last week he switched cars with me while I was at work. When I leave work and get in the car that he had been driving the last week, I saw a little green bag on the floor in the passenger side front. I picked it up and opened it... It was a makeup bag full of nice expensive makeup *not mine*. Then it finally happened...I let go of him. That last string finally broke, I knew it was time. How can he be so stupid?? I wasn't even looking for anything that day. Switching cars was his idea, and I didn't even want to do it. Who the hell would leave their wife with a car to drive that has their OWs makeup bag in plain view?? I can't say I am surprised, but it still hurts.
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 . Who the hell would leave their wife with a car to drive that has their OWs makeup bag in plain view?? Because he's too big of a p*ssy to come clean and admit it, that's why. He has no balls and wants you to take control.. Ofcourse it hurts, he has been lying to you, and he's betrayed you. I'm sorry that you're hurting..He's a real sh*t to do this to you again! HIS loss..
Author porter218 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Because he's too big of a p*ssy to come clean and admit it, that's why. He has no balls and wants you to take control.. Ofcourse it hurts, he has been lying to you, and he's betrayed you. I'm sorry that you're hurting..He's a real sh*t to do this to you again! HIS loss.. But if that were the case then why would he be desperately trying to make up lies to cover why the makeup bag is in the car. I would think if his objective was to get caught then he would not continue to lie his @$$ off once he got caught. Do you really think he was trying to get busted??
White Flower Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 But if that were the case then why would he be desperately trying to make up lies to cover why the makeup bag is in the car. I would think if his objective was to get caught then he would not continue to lie his @$$ off once he got caught. Do you really think he was trying to get busted?? Porter I feel badly for you. Since I ended it with exMM I have been reading up on cheaters. I am no expert on which kind of cheater your H is, but I suspect he is serial. Currently, I am reading a book called, 'Red Flags...How to Know You are Dating a Loser', by Gary S. Aumiller and Daniel A Goldfarb. A few facts from the 'Cheater' chapter may help answer your question. 'A cheater cannot stop himself for love. Promises, determination, and will power will not curtail his behavior for long. The cheater may try, but soon the urge grows and his resolve breaks down. His thoughts become self-centered around his goal of conquest. "I deserve the excitement...I deserve a little fun". Feelings of remorse quickly turn to thoughts of anger. Determination to abstain turns into determination to conquer. Like other addicts, it will only be when he hits rock bottom that the cheater will change' (p 55). The author goes on to say that that cheaters NEED the stability of a M to keep the excitement of the A and vice versa. Also, women who marry cheaters are often attracted to the mystery that a CS offers. You should really pick up this book. It is worth reading that chapter alone. Now, if he really wanted to be caught, then I assume he really loves the OW and just wants to be with her, but is too much of a coward to come out and say it. If that is the case, I feel sorry for her as well. Who wants a coward? No, I rather suspect he is serial and needs both of you to be happy. Good luck, WF.
pelicanpreacher Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I'm going to have to subcribe to NYCmitch's perspective and side with the fact that you are still being myopic in your perception of who and what your husband is. Your ego and fantasy continues to propel your belief that he is the perfect man for you, a good man in general, or a capable father. If he were a good man and fully actualized adult then his integrity and loyalty would keep him by your side instead of in the face of an OW. If he were a considerate father then his sense of responsibility and devotion would keep him at his children's side instead of between her legs. His image is but a facade for in many respects he emulates the same character flaws of a Teb Bundy or Dennis Rader. No, he's not killed anyone but if he had that propensity you'd better believe that sooner or later he'd be on the news! I'd advise that you lose these last vestiges of delusion and begin the process of mentally dismanteling his masquerade so that you can properly rake him over the coals for the rest of his life for it is only by constant reinforcement of pain and humilliation that a moron like him finally recognizes, if not empathizes, with the fact that the world doesn't revolve around him!
RecordProducer Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Oh, sweetie, this must feel so horrible for you. You went through it once, forgave him, now again - and you just had a little baby. Look, we all make mistakes (yours was to forgive him, go back to him and trust him again), but we learn, we get babies from our mistakes (), and at the end, we're better off than before. Pain makes you MUCH wiser, stronger, braver, and - believe it or not - happier. They say for a reason that sun always comes after the rain. You will get over him some day soon, he won't seem as such a great man to you anymore, and you'll love and be loved again. You'll see. Do you really think he was trying to get busted??Obviously not. But it's possible that the OW was trying to get him busted. As hard as it is to imagine, even switching the cars might have been her idea.
Author porter218 Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Obviously not. But it's possible that the OW was trying to get him busted. As hard as it is to imagine, even switching the cars might have been her idea. Wow...I beleive you are onto something here. That makes a lot of sense. She probably wanted to get him busted and ride in my Jag for a day:sick:. If that is the case, I wish I could thank her in person for freeing me from this bullsh*t. This came just in time. The house that I own I bought 6yrs before I met my H, so it is all mine. However I have been looking at bigger houses recently to move in the summer. Thank god I didn't finalize anything with his name on it. pelicanpreacher - what you are suggesting is to damage my children's relationship with their father. He has been more present and attentive to them then any man I know. The only person he failed is me, and if I were to get vengeful or spiteful then my kids would see it and I don't want to do that to them. I don't disagree that my H is a monster for what he has done to me but I refuse to let him get the best of me. I am much stronger then that. He will pay for what he has done. He will have to watch a good woman who is beautiful and a total package walk away, knowing that it is his fault.
Author porter218 Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 Ah the memories skipping down memory lane... I have such vague memories of this period of my life. It's kinda nice to go back and peek back in time. I have always wondered where I got this quote...knew I'd heard it somewhere and it has stuck with me very clearly over all this time. Thanks for that Crestfallen. I have always applauded you for sticking it out and trying. You have absolutely, 100% earned your way out of your marriage. .
You Go Girl Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Porter, your married life ended before I was really involved with LS, but I must ask! Will you now say that you are happy? Or are you still not saying that as some kind of jinx? I think if you will now say that you are happy, or will say you are happy in your future when you are, you've come a long way and overcome the title of this thread!
Author porter218 Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 Porter, I'm so sorry to hear this. The truth is that you DO know. You've been through this before - your instincts are keenly trained in this regard so you DO know. I have always applauded you for sticking it out and trying. You have absolutely, 100% earned your way out of your marriage. Sanity, self-respect and standing up for you AND your daughter are all good, wonderful things. Although it's going to be hard, I can promise you that you won't regret choosing them. Good luck and take care of yourself. Porter, your married life ended before I was really involved with LS, but I must ask! Will you now say that you are happy? Or are you still not saying that as some kind of jinx? I think if you will now say that you are happy, or will say you are happy in your future when you are, you've come a long way and overcome the title of this thread! Hahaha!! Yes, I would definitely say I am happy now. There can be no jinx to it because there is currently no man to ruin my happiness at the moment:laugh: Perhaps though when I do find another man I will be cautious when saying I am happy.. IDK
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