How can I turn this around?

[Strong One]

I have been with my husband for 10 years. We've had a low frequency sex life for the last 5 years. He complains about it and I have put in some effort but overall we would both get a poor score in the effort dept. I know I should try way harder to be more sexually intimate.

 

My husband goes out alot with his friends sometimes fairly late. I'm very 'cool' in this regard - he has his freedom. Although he has never cheated on me (as far as I know), lately I've been worried he may cheat on me.

 

Last night I went to bed and he went out to meet the guys. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was still not home - I felt unsettled. I think he got home btwn 4-5 AM. This morning I awoke & checked his blackberry. I found a thread that suggests to me he slept or was intimate with someone and will see her again. This may be the start of an affair – or I’m not sure exactly what it is, but I know it is not good. Here is the text thread from 5:30 AM this morning:

 

H: Do I really have to wait until Tuesday to see you? You look beautiful while you sleep.

O: I’d be lying is I said you didn’t. You too.

H: Can’t wait to see you again. Sleep well.

O: I’ll see you soon.

 

In reading through some of the advice on this site tonight I did NOT handle this well. I told him I had a dream he cheated on me last night and asked him about it including her name. He denied it, said he would never cheat, and didn’t know a girl named ‘X'. I told him I loved him and wanted to turn our love life around. I asked him not to start cheating on me if there was anything at all going on. I said let’s go on a date next week and he said “yes how about Monday” … I said I was busy. So he said “how about Tuesday?” So sad, because it doesn’t mean anything … he can just reschedule with her for another night. He will also make sure he guards his blackberry 24/7 at a minimum he knows my radar is up. Now I've shown him even though I suspect he may have cheated, I'm desperate & will also have sex with him.

 

What should I do? How can I stop this from going further?

 

I’m really scared ... and so sad ... his words "you look beautiful while you sleep" are killing me

 

Thanks in advance for your help.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why are you hesitant to tell him all that you really know? If you're going to deal with the obvious issues in your relationship, you're going to need to confront them head on. Tell him what you know, see if he has the same willingness you do to work on things and make an appointment for MC posthaste. Let us know what happens...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mc1]

Sounds like he is to me, my husband texted those exact same words to the OW when he was cheating

 

Someone else on here recommended the web site http://www.marriagebuilders.com to me, and that's been pretty helpful for us. I really liked the emotional needs questionnaire they have.

[2sure]

Your H cheated and you know it. You didnt freak out but tried to tell him you "magically" know which is....not productive to say the least...but OK. He knows you know or at the very least knows you suspect. So thats good.

 

Whats sad here, (and I understand) is that you are neither surprised, shocked, or actually feeling very angry. You know that he has at least initiated sex and possibly something emotional with someone else. And this scares you and makes you sad.

 

Certainly something has changed. And certainly things are going to change. What do you want? Do you want the marriage to continue as it has - living as roommates? That isnt working, at least not for him. Do you want to end the marriage? Its possible he does and if so, he should have done that prior to cheating. Betrayal is not a solution to anything. Do you want the marriage to be better than it was? Its possible that this crisis, could end up as the catalyst for improvement. It might give you and H renewed emotions and intensity knowing how very close you are to losing each other.

 

Either way, you have to be honest with him. You cannot "trick' him into saving your marriage.

[travelgirl]

Reading those texts leads me to believe this affair has been going on, not just started. The words seemed comfortable, like they have been setting up times to meet all along. The longer you wait, the harder it is to break and move on.

 

You need to be honest with him. You are scared of losing him so you don't want to put your foot down, I get it. Been there, done that. But exposing an affair is one of the quickest ways to blow the flame out on the excitement, secrecy, and addiction to it even if it looks like it might backfire on you initially.

 

 

It sounds like you want to save your marriage, that you realized you played a part in the emotional separation of your relationship (although DO NOT excuse this as a reason for him to cheat!!) You need to be up front, tell him you know and for the sake of your marriage you want to sit down rationally and hear the truth. He might deny deny deny but you need to get him to open up. If he gets angry and leaves, let him. He might go run to her, say he hates you, blames you for everything. This is his anger side for exposing his "cake and eating it too." Most cheaters do not place blame on themselves right away. It takes time. Don't budge, don't give in and no matter what DO NOT BEG to work on the marriage. Tell him you will talk and work on the marriage IF and ONLY IF he is honest, cuts off all contact with this (and maybe other) women. If he still hides his phone, email etc... from you then he is not being honest.

 

Work on yourself, keep positive, don't sulk and look desperate. This will make the other women much more attractive to him. He will think you are putty in his hands and you do not want that!! BE STRONG!!

[Strong One]

Thanks everyone for your advice so far, I really need and appreciate it.

 

Based on your messages so far, everyone thinks this is likely an established affair.

 

I’m not sure … this is probably naïve I know. However, I get the feeling that this was his first hook up or maybe this newly happened this week and this was the second one. Maybe he has known her for a long time. I read emails prior to him leaving on Saturday night and he definitely met the guys around 11:00 PM so I think he may have met her out that night or maybe he drunk dialled her later if he already knows her. As I mentioned I’ve been suspicious lately b/c I know he isn’t happy & woman’s intuition so I’ve been intermittently checking his blackberry – I’ve never seen anything like this thread with another woman. However, he could be good at covering his tracks.

 

Since I brought this up with him yesterday AM, he went out all day yesterday for a super bowl party at a pub where there were going to be strippers attending. He said he would be home at 7PM and didn’t arrive until 11PM. I asked him if there was any reason why girls couldn’t come to the party and he said no it was just a guy thing, but no strippers were there. I know from the black berry there was going to be strippers - my husband was encouraging all of his friends to come down to this party (planning it all week long) where there would be ‘lots of naked chicks’ there. I asked him where he was last night and he said hanging out at the same party with all the guys. This morning I checked his pocket and saw he withdrew money at a downtown strip club around 9PM. So he left the afternoon party with all the strippers and went to a strip club for more sleaziness.

 

I know guys go to strippers and boys will be boys. I’m just surprised he was such a ring leader and by his guy talk in the emails. I can’t believe how good he is at lying to me now. I just watched him look me in the eye & lie to my face about this superbowl thing. All the time, I’m thinking wow, I really can’t visually tell that you are lying to me.

 

He is already making an effort with me – he just emailed and said he made a reservation at a new restaurant for our date on Tuesday. I do love him and want to turn it around ... have a more fulfilling love life and marriage. What should I do? Should I get him to confess the infidelity (and its scope) tonight? I don’t think he will come clean – he will deny it. He will say something like he fell asleep on his friends boat and there was this girl there and he was going to see her but now he won’t. Are you sure I shouldn’t try and find out more facts before I take action?

[2sure]

Holy Smokes. Look, you know the facts and you know he has lied to you repeatedly and cheated on you at least once.

 

Its one thing to say you want to firgive him and move on and improve your marriage.

 

But you are saying you dont want to ask /confront him because you dont want him to lie again.

 

Yes, you dont want him to lie. Thats the problem. But he already has. There is a problem here and it isnt going to just go away. Something happened in your life. Something serious. For me, the sex did not bother me as much as the lies. Strip clubs dont bother me much.

Its the relentless lies you husband is telling you...and worse, I hate to say this but...your denial and passiveness is completely enabling him to wreck your marriage. If you want to save your marriage, you have to do something.

[65tr6]

He is already making an effort with me – he just emailed and said he made a reservation at a new restaurant for our date on Tuesday. I do love him and want to turn it around ... have a more fulfilling love life and marriage. What should I do? Should I get him to confess the infidelity (and its scope) tonight? I don’t think he will come clean – he will deny it. He will say something like he fell asleep on his friends boat and there was this girl there and he was going to see her but now he won’t. Are you sure I shouldn’t try and find out more facts before I take action?

 

Just like that he changed ? See that is one big difference between men and woman. Yet another example of men who have affairs wanting to get right back in with their spouses.

 

Strong one, make sure you set time aside with him and get ALL the facts...Everything about the affair. Snoop around if you have to. Trust but verify. Take charge here.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is already making an effort with me

Yes, an effort to cover his tracks better. "Memo to self - get a disposable cell phone and new email address. Wife may be on to me"

 

Mr. Lucky

[jwi71]

Let me see if I understand this thread:

 

1) You find EVIDENCE of your H's affair.

2) Said evidence indicates he is still seeing her and will continue to see her.

3) By definition he is LYING to you. (I won't even bother with the strippers)

4) Your response is "Should I confront him" - after all, he is making an effort.

5) Furthermore you are worried he will excuse away the evidence and become a better liar and cheat.

 

Are you effin' kidding me.

 

Have you so thoroughly dulled your senses to believe that he got drunk, passed out and this girl created this phantom email chain (not just one email...a whole thread) as a ...what...a joke. To who? You buy that stinky load of horse ****? Seriously.

 

I'll spell it out for you.

 

YOUR IS H BANGING ANOTHER WOMAN.

 

What more proof do you need? Do you need to catch them in missionary?

 

What should you do?

 

If I were you, I would confront him. This isn't a court of law where you have to produce evidence and follow procedures. You SAW the emails. You already know. Of course he will lie. But its not up to you to prove it - you know he is cheating and so does he.

 

Time for him to face some consequences.

1) He lost the Blackberry effective NOW. Take it an introduce it to a hammer. Repeatedly.

2) He forfeits all privacy (aka secrecy). No more personal email or phone calls. Period.

3) You out him to EVERYONE.

4) You DEMAND MC.

5) He forfeits going out to the strip clubs, bars and etc.

6) He forfeits his credit cards and his ATM. You will allot him CASH each week.

 

This will NOT be well received. He will gaslight you (you already allude to it). You MUST live up to our screen name and FIGHT for YOUR M. And its a fight. You will have to pull your H from this A - and he will resist at every turn and choice. You have NEVER faced anything so hard. The OW, to your H, is far better than you in almost every regard. ITS NOT TRUE. Its called the Affair fog - it clouds your H and transforms him into some funky space alien who looks like your H but acts like some...weird space alien.

 

He may threaten to leave. If he does, tell him you don't want him to leave and you want him to stay and rebuild the M. If he leaves, let him. Issue no threats. Issue no ultimatums. Let him leave.

 

Then call your friends and family. You will need them.

 

I have been you. I have read the awful truth and vomited (literally). IME, you must FIGHT if you want the M to survive. You are already in the fight you just never knew it. Now you do.

 

Always be honest with him.

Issue no threats or ultimatums.

Tell him what you want and how you feel even though it SEEMS like it empowers him.

 

I know it sounds hard. And it is. But, IME, if you follow that than YOU are better off down the road regardless of what happens to your M now. Trust me on that.

 

Whatever you choose, I am sorry you are here. But this can be beaten. You CAN win. You CAN have a good M again.

 

Good luck and keep us up to date...

[Strong One]

I know I sound passive and in denial. Truth be told, I am depressed and have been for some time. I’m on anti-depressants, but not coping all that well, even before this uncovering … still put on a brave face, go to work everyday, work hard, go out socially (although less than usual), but its inside I’m sad and confused. I’m nervous for the confrontation b/c its going to make all of this worse. I know, initially, and then hopefully there is upside and positive implications down the road.

 

Since I just found all this evidence yesterday, its a lot to digest and I’m concerned about flying at this and not taking the right approach. A lot of people on here don’t confront the day they find out, but put some thought into it. I’m thinking about my approach. I may do it tonight b/c its hard to pretend everything is ok when its not and my world is turned upside down.

 

What do you do after you have the conversation? Let’s say he admits it all and agrees to my request for the blackberry etc. Then what? … Ok let’s go to bed now? I don’t get it, its so messed up he would do this so its hard not to be angry and want to tell him to get out, tell him its over, so he will feel the consequences of his actions.

 

Anyone that has been through this please let me know what you did after the conversation. I understand conversations will go differently, which will impact what happens after. Anyway I would find it helpful to hear some experiences of the confrontation and your course of action post confrontation

 

I hear you everyone and thanks again - I will do my best to be the strong one.

[65tr6]

What do you do after you have the conversation? Let’s say he admits it all and agrees to my request for the blackberry etc. Then what? … Ok let’s go to bed now? I don’t get it, its so messed up he would do this so its hard not to be angry and want to tell him to get out, tell him its over, so he will feel the consequences of his actions.

 

Anyone that has been through this please let me know what you did after the conversation. I understand conversations will go differently, which will impact what happens after. Anyway I would find it helpful to hear some experiences of the confrontation and your course of action post confrontation

 

I hear you everyone and thanks again - I will do my best to be the strong one.

Strong one, it is a process from this point on. Not a single step

 

You confront him and get all the details. Look him in the eye when you talk to him.

 

Read jw's post above for tips but in my case.....

 

I asked my wife to immediately send a NC note. She did that infront of me the same day. Ask your husband for the same. No more contact with OW for rest of his life. Make him say that everyday as long as you want to hear it. Trust him But also VERIFY. Read here. Educate yourself. It is a long journey.

[jwi71]

I know I sound passive and in denial. Truth be told, I am depressed and have been for some time. I’m on anti-depressants, but not coping all that well, even before this uncovering … still put on a brave face, go to work everyday, work hard, go out socially (although less than usual), but its inside I’m sad and confused. I’m nervous for the confrontation b/c its going to make all of this worse. I know, initially, and then hopefully there is upside and positive implications down the road.

 

So your plan is to change nothing. Well, then nothing will change and you forfeit any right to complain IF you know of this and do NOT act.

 

Since I just found all this evidence yesterday, its a lot to digest and I’m concerned about flying at this and not taking the right approach.

There is no "right" approach. You handle it the way that works for you. Look, I got my evidence (chat logs), confronted her and tossed her out in a span of 60 minutes. I had my lawyer on the phone looking for a recommendation for the best divorce lawyer money could buy. I had her in his office the next day with all papers signed. That fast. That was 8 months ago and our recovery, despite setbacks, is going well. I obviously didn't file said papers - MY choice.

 

I may do it tonight b/c its hard to pretend everything is ok when its not and my world is turned upside down.

I waited all of 5 seconds for precisely that reason. And my personality dictates that I face problems where and when they arise. Waiting only lets the problem get worse - w/o fail. My opinion.

What do you do after you have the conversation?

Me? I threw her out. I packed her bags and led her out the door.

 

Let’s say he admits it all and agrees to my request for the blackberry etc.

Not a request. Take blackberry. Its all too easy for him to contact HER and erase the trail on the blackberry. He LOSES it. If he must have a cell, buy him a cheap prepaid and YOU control the bill. Or switch cells, you take his and he takes yours.

 

Then what? … Ok let’s go to bed now? I don’t get it, its so messed up he would do this so its hard not to be angry and want to tell him to get out, tell him its over, so he will feel the consequences of his actions.

That's exactly what I did. After I tossed her, I emailed the graphic chat logs to EVERYONE. Every work contact she had, every personal contact she had, her friends, my friends, even the pastor. Even my 92 year old Grandmother. I told EVERYONE. I sent the logs to EVERYONE. I highly recommend doing the same. It doesn't seem effective at first, but its a great investment in the recovery.

 

Anyone that has been through this please let me know what you did after the conversation. I understand conversations will go differently, which will impact what happens after. Anyway I would find it helpful to hear some experiences of the confrontation and your course of action post confrontation

After she left and I called the divorce lawyer at home and made an appt, I took the kids to my parents, went home and was basically a wreck. She begged to come back at the divorce lawyers office and on that, I didn't file. That was when she gave up her cell, quit her job (she was banging her boss), agreed to MC and coughed up email password - and met every demand I had.

 

Then the hard work began.

 

There is NO way to sugarcoat it - the first several weeks will suck. Period. I lost some 15 lbs in 14 days. Or maybe more - I forget. I didn't sleep. Couldn't eat. It was hell on Earth.

 

But it got better. My W made a 100% effort to recovery. And slowly, the pain begins to subside. I can even look at her and NOT think of the A - and be happy. Getting there.

 

But you gotta fight. The M must come first. And you BOTH have to want it.

 

You CAN get there - but you must take the first step...

[2sure]

 

YOUR IS H BANGING ANOTHER WOMAN.

 

 

What should you do?

 

If I were you, I would confront him. This isn't a court of law where you have to produce evidence and follow procedures. You SAW the emails. You already know. Of course he will lie. But its not up to you to prove it - you know he is cheating and so does he.

 

Time for him to face some consequences.

1) He lost the Blackberry effective NOW. Take it an introduce it to a hammer. Repeatedly.

2) He forfeits all privacy (aka secrecy). No more personal email or phone calls. Period.

3) You out him to EVERYONE.

4) You DEMAND MC.

5) He forfeits going out to the strip clubs, bars and etc.

6) He forfeits his credit cards and his ATM. You will allot him CASH each week.

 

This will NOT be well received. He will gaslight you (you already allude to it). You MUST live up to our screen name and FIGHT for YOUR M. And its a fight. You will have to pull your H from this A - and he will resist at every turn and choice. You have NEVER faced anything so hard. The OW, to your H, is far better than you in almost every regard. ITS NOT TRUE. Its called the Affair fog - it clouds your H and transforms him into some funky space alien who looks like your H but acts like some...weird space alien.

 

He may threaten to leave. If he does, tell him you don't want him to leave and you want him to stay and rebuild the M. If he leaves, let him. Issue no threats. Issue no ultimatums. Let him leave.

 

Then call your friends and family. You will need them.

 

I have been you. I have read the awful truth and vomited (literally). IME, you must FIGHT if you want the M to survive. You are already in the fight you just never knew it. Now you do.

 

Always be honest with him.

Issue no threats or ultimatums.

Tell him what you want and how you feel even though it SEEMS like it empowers him.

 

I know it sounds hard. And it is. But, IME, if you follow that than YOU are better off down the road regardless of what happens to your M now. Trust me on that.

You CAN win. You CAN have a good M again.

 

Good luck and keep us up to date...

 

Hands Down the VERY best Infidelity advice I have ever Read - here or in a book.

 

Astounding.

[KismetGirl]

[/b]

 

Hands Down the VERY best Infidelity advice I have ever Read - here or in a book.

 

Astounding.

 

I agree. The whole "you look beautiful when you sleep" line ....well, how the hell can he even explain that, really?

 

Who cares how you know. Tell him you were fiddling with his blackberry cause you wanted to check something on the internet, email , whatever, and you happened to see that and demand an explanation. I doubt he'll have a good one. You'll see on his face right away.

 

Don't beg, or plead, or try to understand. Do express the hurt, do make him feel like crap about himself for lying to you. And really, I don't think there's anything wrong with a man and a woman having their own friends and going out once in a while, but he has no business going out to all hours and lying to you about where he goes every single week several times a week. Do you guys have kids? If so, even more so for you to confront this head on. It's scary, but necessary....you can't live a marriage based on lies.

 

Try following jw's advice. Some of it sounds a little harsh, and personally I do not agree with emailing all personal things to co workers and etc, as it is none of their business, but i do agree that he should give up some aspects of privacy until hes proved again that he can be trusted.

 

Hell, my MM hasn't even been caught cheating really and his wife has passswords to nearly everything he has except his work email which isn't accessible from his home computer anyway. Unless you hire someone to track him 24/7 you won't know everything he does, but best way to nip this in the bud is confront it ASAP....no waiting around. What you found was inappropriate enough that a husband should not be sending to another woman , at all. If it quacks like a duck.....

[Strong One]

I agree ... all very good advice. I can't thank everyone enough for taking the time to share their wisdom and offer support.

 

I know, he has been caught red handed. I still don't know to what extent. He passed out tonight after work from the big superbowl day yesterday & I wanted to think about my course of action, read everyone's advice, ok I admit it ... also check for more evidence. I have decided to ask him to meet at home tomorrow night before our date. Instead of going on some fake date, I will confront & address the situation when he comes home. I haven't figured out if I will tell him to go or not. I can't stand to look at him right now. I am so mad. Regardless I will figure it out by tomorrow night and be strong.

 

To answer some of the questions:

 

No we don't have kids. We were planning on trying in April. I have been getting my body prepared. As of yesterday's discovery, this is not on the agenda (at least not for April) for obvious reasons. Unfortunately I am 35 so there isn't a whole bunch of time left but I will not start trying unless the circumstances are right to bring a child into the world.

 

OW - yes I have her number - I wrote it down yesterday morning. Good thing because as many of you suspected, her name, number, & yesterday's correspondance all have been deleted from the blackberry.

 

Thanks again.