Aquarius Rising Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Sorry guys, still hanging around here and as some of you know I'm doing the heavy grief work of NC. Tomorrow will be 21 days officially, though we have not spoken now for 6 weeks. For the most part, I have found this forum to be of incredible value in helping me sift through my thoughts, feelings, options etc. and I guess I'd like to hear from those former OW/OM now about the difficulty in letting go of (I hate to say it), but .....resentment! I was convinced and I probably still believe this on some level, that MM and I were soulmates (I know it's such a cliche') but it kind of does somehow sum up the intensity of feeling that we had developed. MM told me that I had touched his heart like no other woman has ever done. He would toy with me about what a life together would look like and I guess I learned the hard way about that kind of game I find myself replaying so many conversations over and over in my head every day and I am beginning to understand now WHY I was completely overwhelmed with CONFUSION and UNCERTAINTY (anxiety and stress) about our relationship. My father had been battling cancer for two years during which time I was in relationship with MM. Not once, EVER, did he ask me how my father was. This is the same man who when he told me that he loved me, said that he had NEVER before meant it as much as when he said those words to me. And in a conversation just recently, he was unable to remember the name of my only son. I had to prompt him...!!! I could go on and on and on, with examples, and I won't. I guess what I'm really struggling with is this. I have never confronted MM with this stuff, (probably because I wasn't far enough removed to really begin to see what I now see) but HOW does one just move on and forget that stuff. I ask this because there is a strong voice inside of me that wants to confront MM about many things, and I KNOW that would be the worst thing that I could do at this stage of my recovery. Any thoughts LS community?
jj33 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I feel for you. The first few weeks are the worst. It is all swirling around in your head. And I have to say for me it lasted a long time probably because we are in touch. There are still triggers. I think its like any other break up. You have a million things you want to say. But really what is he going to say? I wasnt thinking? It was too close and I couldnt really be there for you the way I would have wanted to? I am a selfish uncaring fool? You can fill in the blanks. No matter what he says, it doesnt change the fact that he is married and not able to give you what you want. I have said this to other people but I found repeating to myself he is no longer a part of my life but I wish him well with his, brough me a kind of peace. When I was feeling really sad about it, it just made me cry and cry, but it was cathartic. Its the separating emotionally and reprogramming your brain to know that he isnt a part of your life anymore and that what he did or didnt say or do doesnt define who you are, or how loveable you are or what your future will be. And the fact that he didnt do those things is a reminder of why you are better off without him. I know how difficult it is. And NO you dont need to hear his version. Not now. Maybe in a year if you still care. But now who cares. No matter how wonderful his explanation it doesnt help you to separate from him. Big hugs
Author Aquarius Rising Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 I'm typing this response through my tears JJ ..... you are SO right and SO supportive and I don't think I could have asked for more in the way of a response right now. I recently started some Buddhist meditation and one of the practices is to meditate and wish ONLY good things for ALL people, even the ones we find ourselves in conflict with. I know the benefits of this both pysho-emotionally and Karmically ... so when I find myself wishing other things for MM, it is very disturbing for me. I will practice your Mantra ..... faithfully. Thanks so much ... I really feel your beautiful karma, and I send it back to you equally. AR
Author Aquarius Rising Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Oops ... that was meant to read psycho-emotionally!
jj33 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Thanks feeling kind of empy lately could use some good karma. I hope the process is speedy for you and that you are feeling stronger each day. Take good care
desertmoon Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I guess what I'm really struggling with is this. I have never confronted MM with this stuff, (probably because I wasn't far enough removed to really begin to see what I now see) but HOW does one just move on and forget that stuff. I ask this because there is a strong voice inside of me that wants to confront MM about many things, and I KNOW that would be the worst thing that I could do at this stage of my recovery. Hello Aquarius Rising! Give yourself a break, it is still quite fresh. Time, as many have discovered, heals or at least dulls the pain... I personally do not think confronting your xMM about things said, unsaid or done or undone during your relationship is helpful. I think it will only give way to more questions and you will never be satisfied and the hurt will still be there. I do believe it is important to believe that he was in your life not because he wanted to hurt you but that he saw something wonderful in you and wanted you to be a part of his life(albeit, only for a relatively short time). Look at it this way, nothing lasts forever...everything has an expiration date. Be glad that you two met--two wonderful people. Try not to resent your past or be bitter about it. It is easier to get over the hurt if you let go of the negative emotions....Negative emotions are toxic and have a tendency to linger...
Owl Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 AR, there are two main 'steps' you can take to help yourself "forget". First...a simple mental excersise. You need to learn to "change the channel" when you find yourself thinking of him. When you start to think about him, stop...take a deep breath, and deliberately and intentionally think about something else. It takes a little work, but eventually you get better at it, and you'll find that you start to think of him less and less as a result. The second trick is to fill your time and attention with something else. Preferably something that requires your full focus, and you can put a lot of physical and mental energy into...like learning a new sport, such as raquetball or something. Martial arts also fills this bill very well. It has several benfits. The obvious health impacts are great, but it also is a great tool for battling depression and releases stress. It wears you out physically, so it can go a long ways towards helping you deal with any stress related sleeping problems that might come up as well. So...work on 'changing the channel'. And go pick up a new hobby. Resume an old one. Start going to the gym, running, working out. See if there's a decent dojo in the area that you can start taking classes at.
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I am sorry to hear about your dad..That's tough, and I hope he continues the battle. Hang in there and feel free to post about this stuff anytime, you'll get tons of support as many of us has had a parent who is or was suffering with cancer.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I do believe it is important to believe that he was in your life not because he wanted to hurt you but that he saw something wonderful in you and wanted you to be a part of his life(albeit, only for a relatively short time). Thanks DM, sorry for the delay in responding .... trying to keep busy! It does help to think of it like this ..... takes one out of the victim position .... and I soooooo do not want to be that.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 AR, there are two main 'steps' you can take to help yourself "forget". First...a simple mental excersise. You need to learn to "change the channel" when you find yourself thinking of him. When you start to think about him, stop...take a deep breath, and deliberately and intentionally think about something else. It takes a little work, but eventually you get better at it, and you'll find that you start to think of him less and less as a result. The second trick is to fill your time and attention with something else. Preferably something that requires your full focus, and you can put a lot of physical and mental energy into...like learning a new sport, such as raquetball or something. Martial arts also fills this bill very well. Thank-you too OWL. I'm doing ok on the second trick, but will definitely have to start practicing the first one. Thanks for all the support you've given along the way.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I am sorry to hear about your dad..That's tough, and I hope he continues the battle. Hang in there and feel free to post about this stuff anytime, you'll get tons of support as many of us has had a parent who is or was suffering with cancer. That's nice to know wwiu. It does hurt deeply though to think that a person who you believed was very much in love with you could just overlook something so deeply personal and difficult..... but I'm gonna tell myself that he just couldn't allow himself to be there in that way for me.... he would have had to break down too many barriers I guess.
tchrgrl Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 I actually wrote an e-mail to myself listing all the negatives....things you mentioned like not asking about your dad, son's name, etc. (mine were similar) and then I sent the e-mail to myself. Anytime I was having those "sweet" memories that made me want to reconnect with him, I would read that e-mail and remind myself of how selfish my MM really was. I tend to drift off as well and focus on the good times and forget about all the thoughtless times. I have not contactd MM in 22 days but he sent me a text last night and threw me off. I did not respond (I wanted to say something) but I use the phrase "think the moment through" and I decided I didn't want to go there. Good luck to you : )
Author Aquarius Rising Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 I actually wrote an e-mail to myself listing all the negatives....things you mentioned like not asking about your dad, son's name, etc. (mine were similar) and then I sent the e-mail to myself. Anytime I was having those "sweet" memories that made me want to reconnect with him, I would read that e-mail and remind myself of how selfish my MM really was. Now that's a clever idea tchrgrl, I'm gonna try that one for sure! Good for you, not responding.... I have come soooo close, but everyday I get a little stronger .... and the truth is ..... I don't think I coud forgive MYSELF if I made contact now ...... It would be such a dishonour after what I've been thru ..... sounds like you have too? Happy to support as much as I can ........... I'm up to Day 23! (lol) so I know where you're at. STAY STRONG GIRLFRIEND. AR
tchrgrl Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Thank you AR....your support and understanding of where I am coming from mean so much. I have not told anyone about the affair and have no immediate support via friends/family. I am also married so suffering the impact of a "break up" while with someone else is very emotionally draining. That is my fault of course, but it helps to know that someone gets the difficulty of NC. Keep up your strength as well...I know you can do it!
norajane Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 That's nice to know wwiu. It does hurt deeply though to think that a person who you believed was very much in love with you could just overlook something so deeply personal and difficult..... but I'm gonna tell myself that he just couldn't allow himself to be there in that way for me.... he would have had to break down too many barriers I guess. The whole "he would have had to break down too many barriers" thing is just you trying to find excuses for his bad behavior. Breaking that habit goes a long way toward healing. Just admit it to yourself: he's not as great a guy as you thought he was, he was insensitive and selfish and wrapped up in his own needs; he is FLAWED, f*cked up. Seeing him for who he really is rather than the romanticized version of him you have in your heart must happen in order for you to let go enough that you aren't eaten alive by resentment and feeling like he victimized you. He is just a man, a flawed human, and you entered his sphere of f*cked-up-ness and got burned because you have your own human flaws and foibles and got caught up in something you probably knew you should have left alone. None of us go through life perfectly, nor do we make all the right choices, nor do we treat others perfectly. Part of your resentment and anger at him is resentment and anger at yourself for being stupid enough to get involved with the kind of guy who could treat you as he did, for not recognizing it sooner, for continuing to stay when you were unhappy and saw that he was treating you badly. Forgive yourself and you'll see that your resentment toward him fades as well.
Author Aquarius Rising Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 None of us go through life perfectly, nor do we make all the right choices, nor do we treat others perfectly. Part of your resentment and anger at him is resentment and anger at yourself for being stupid enough to get involved with the kind of guy who could treat you as he did, for not recognizing it sooner, for continuing to stay when you were unhappy and saw that he was treating you badly. Forgive yourself and you'll see that your resentment toward him fades as well. Thanks N, very well said. I hope that in time I can forgive myself because you're right, it is the root cause of my lingering distress. Why didn't I see things that I needed to see sooner? Why didn't I understand things differently etc? There is no answer to those questions. I just wasn't ready until I was ready. Forgiveness is going to take some time no doubt. But every day that I stick to NC takes me a little closer, it's just a slow and painful process that is unavoidable in order to heal. But, the pain now is pain with purpose and is by far more desirable than the pain of hanging on to the A.
norajane Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 But, the pain now is pain with purpose and is by far more desirable than the pain of hanging on to the A. Beautifully said, and such a healthy outlook! Good for you!
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