flyonthewall Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 So I have been on here before just posting my frustrations. I am the OW, not proud of it I must say but here I am. I have to say that initially when I came on here (under another name which I don't remember) for support from others in the same situation I basically got bashed by the morality police so I never posted again. I understand what I am doing is not morally correct in most people's minds but I am a human being with feelings and never in my life did I ever think that I would be where I am right now. I have been reading posts on here for almost 2 years now. I posted back in November stating that I am ready to remove myself from this situation and that my pms is really taking a toll on me. I was flying off the handle about things that were not even happening and MM was not too happy. I finally came to the conclusion the past few weeks that I have been reading way too much on this forum and getting caught up in the whole "every MM is exactly the same bull sh**" and taking it out on him. I finally admitted to him that I have been coming on LS and reading others posts from time to time. He says so this is where you get all of these things from? He says he that he is not like other MM and that in the end he will prove it to me. I will not get into my whole story of how we met and how this all happened but I will say that the feelings that we have are real and we do truly love each other more than we have ever loved anybody else. We don't live in some fantasyland. We realize that we were meant to be together. I understand that some people don't think what I am doing is right and I respect that but sometimes things just happen. I am not saying that this is the case for every MM/MW & OM/OW. I just told him today that I could never ever imagine my life without him and he feels the same way. We bring so much to each others lives every single day. We not only are lovers, we are best friends for life. I used to think that I could never have all of this but here I am living it. Its unfortunate that he is married and that this happened but I can't go back in time and change it. I have to say that we were friends for a long time before anything ever happened so it was not like I just met him and started having an affair. There was always a connection between him and I but we just kept it on a friendship level but I always knew since the day I met him that he was the one I was meant to be with. It was just there. Another thing, I did tell him to try to work things out at home before he moves on, he did try as much as he could but his heart was not in it and from what I understand she is not that into him either. They got married too young, only dated each other and now they are at a point where they don't really have anything together and have no form of communication whatsoever. He says he is not leaving for me, he is leaving for himself and to make a change in his life and wants me to be a part of this new life. So he is in the process of leaving and soon we will be together.
Sagelily Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Good Luck, FOTW Some Of Us Here Understand And Are Here To Support You And Help If We Can.
Sandy223 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I am glad that he is leaving ... I hope that you have a happy life together ... I am at the beginning of an affair ... started in October... kenw him for two years before that ... .. .this board has been very supportive; yes, people judge and yes, they can be harsh... but not every situation is the same, it is good to look at the advice objectively, and if something that someone says really ticks you off, it's because they hit a serious nerve that you should explore.. .remember, these posts are anonymous, and any reaction we may have to it was/is in us to begin with ... weather it be guilty feelings, extreme uncertainty. I come to this board when I am feeling anxious/uncertain, and sometimes I come here for reassurance ... eg., when I think things are going well between me and the MM, I come here looking for success stories ... and, more often than not, when I come looking for reassurance, someone inevitably responds with a bash, and that I am deluding myself, and how this will destroy me, etc ... .so, after reading that, I then go to the negative extreme with it ... well, at least I used to ... ... now my responses are more or less neutral, but I do listen to the advice ... I am just not looking at my situation as all bad or all good ... trying to keep it neutral, and not extreme. The most difficult thing about these types of situations is keeping yourself balanced. Things do happen in these situations which throw us off at times ... I had a little breakdown around christmas time ... but, I recovered from it, and used it as an opportunity to rebalance and recenter myself ... so, that is my thing now ... keeping myself centered in all areas of my life ... including this one ... and understanding what a precariouso and dangerous situation it is in and of itself ... if I can maintain my balance through the ups and downs that these types of relationships inevitably entail, then I can stay that way through any adverse situation that pops up in my life ... no, I am not purposefully torturuing myself!!!! I am with the MM because I so enjoy being with him, and I do feel love for him ... I love being with him ... I think I am in love, or do I just love being with him? Only time will tell ... anyway, just my two cents ... Glad everything is going well for you,
awkward Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I'm curious. How many OW thought their MM was different? That they weren't living in a fantasy? How many years went by until you changed your mind about your relationship, if ever? I think that OW should be able to get support and hugs here without being bashed. But I also think that hearing all sides can help. I am not sure why you are letting things here effect your relationship unless you have some concerns. When is he leaving his wife? How long has he been in the process? Does she know he is leaving? Will you come back and post after it all works out? I think most of the time we only hear the heartache and only a few cases where the MM left and didn't go back.
Sandy223 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Hi ... I have to agree w/ awkward re: your responses to the posts ... I don't believe you would have gotten so riled up had you not had inner concerns which you were trying to hide .... remember, words cannot harm you, but they can bring out feelings within you that are already there. Anyway, please do let us know what happens ... I really hope it all works out for you.
2sure Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 He says so this is where you get all of these things from? He says he that he is not like other MM and that in the end he will prove it to me. If you are happy with your relationship with him , then just be happy with it. You need not defend yourself of course. Sometimes it is frustrating to see OW continually have the same problem of what MM SAYS and what he DOES being two altogether different things. In fact , that is often why OW come here for support. Is your relationship the way you want it or is it moving in a direction you want it to, and if so is this being shown to you by action or just words asking you to wait longer? If you are happy waiting, so be it.
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 . So he is in the process of leaving and soon we will be together. Time will tell and so will his actions. See if his actions match his words in the upcoming months. One question though - what if by summertime he hasn't left yet but says he is still in the process...
jwi71 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 He says he is not leaving for me, he is leaving for himself and to make a change in his life and wants me to be a part of this new life. So he is in the process of leaving and soon we will be together. Really, I must be stupid but what is the "process of leaving". What exactly is that? When I spoke with my divorce lawyer the process was simple. You sign papers, he files papers, 60 days later (mandatory wait in Texas) - you are basically divorced. Now, that seems simple to me. What exactly is this process I continually hear of? And how does it take soooo long for some of these MM to even START. Hey OP, what's his lawyer's name? Ask him and pay attention to his face.... Others have said before - his ACTIONS count. Has he taken any ACTIONS which support what he says? Honestly, the process of divorce doesn't start until one files the papers. WTF is he waiting for?
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I must be stupid but what is the "process of leaving". 9/10 it means that he hasn't told his wife and the 'process of leaving' is all the steps leading upto having 'the talk' with his wife, convincing her to let him go.. So they can divorce .. Many times that "talk" doesn't happen, even though many MM tell their OW (and MW's tell their OM) it is happening. Sorry to the OP, but I think your MM is stalling and biding time.
Sandy223 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Well ... let's just hope he doesn't string her along. Maybe this will have a happy ending ... divorce, of course, is different in each state: I THINK in NJ you have to be seperated for a year first, or live out of the marital home for a year ... then, of course, there have to be legal "reasons" for the divorce... i think lack of sex in the marraige is one of them, cruel treatment .. .abondonment is another ... I think the last cause I cited is what couples claim who agree together to the divorce. I never heard of it taking only 60 days, especially when there are assets to divide, etc. and especially since in this type of case, where there is an OW, it is unlikely that the BS will just agree to let her marraige go .... on the flip side, I believe it is permissible by law to become engaged to another woman once seperated .... You must find out what he means by "starting the process" ... like the other responses said, does this mean he is going to his lawyer? talking with his wife? Does she know they are getting divorced yet???? One word of caution: DO NOT PLAY the waiting game. I encourage you to force yourself to fill your life with other things, including dating other men! YOU would not be cheating on him: He still has a WIFE. You must still give yourself an opportunity to see what else is out there to make sure you are making the right choice for you. If he really loves you, once the process has started, you moving on with other things in your life will cushion you from getting hurt, if things don't work out the way you want, OR it will be more likely to ensure that he deals with his own issues with his W. The last thing you need to be doing is putting yourself in a waiting position. Sure, you care about the outcome, but now that he has made his declaration, let him take care/or not, of what needs to be done. THis is not your marraige to dissolve .... that is between him and his W. However, it is still your life ... and if you want to give yourself and it, the best possible chance, go out there and live you life, and continue to operate like an independent person UNTIL he has made a formal commitment to you ... .. .you don't need to tell him you are going out with other people, or throw your independence in his face, but do it for yourself ... you can still stay in the relationship and maintain yourself as your own... he has still not made a permanent commitment to you ... you are still not out of the woods ... if you think it is over now, and that he is yours, that is still not the case ... you must act as if it is not, and keep moving forward on your own ... things will work out the way they are supposed to ... ... right now you should "observe" ... enjoy him and the R, but try to do everything possible not to tie yourself to the happy outcome that you expect .. this way you won't get disappointed, and you will also keep yourself in a better position,.
2sunny Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 he is in the process of leaving... this statement causes HUGE bells and alarms to go off in my head! there really is no such thing as a process. either he's with her or he left already... no need for it to be anything in between. he will actually be available when the divorce is final. and the username??? i'm baffled - my friend used to have that username here years ago. weird...
jwi71 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I'm sure my point has been made by others - but there is NO "process of leaving". You are either in a divorce proceedings or you are not. No middle ground. No process. Your MM either has a lawyer and they are putting together the paperwork or they are not. Its really that simple. Like 2Sunny says, when you hear "process of leaving" its bullcrap. Its another lie.
torranceshipman Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 When you told MM you'd come to LS and he said 'thats where you've been getting these ideas from'...it's not!-the ideas come directly from him. Why? Because he is a MM who hasnt left his W and is making you a bit crazy because of it (e.g. ruined your Christmas). Until he leaves, everyone is going to judge him exactly by his actions, and his actions are shifty (as are most MM's, hence the posts you see here). You should also be one of these people. See how you've fallen into the pattern of coming on here, and defending him, when he's off with his W not giving it a second thought? Classic beaten down OW behavior...if he wasnt being sketchy noone here would bash him. You need to try and remove yourself from the situation a while, date around, and dont make this guy your life. Dont bother defending your married boyf on anonymous websites - get out there and meet new people, date new guys...if and when this MM gets around to getting a D then great! You two are back together. The reason why LS bashes a lot of MMs is because lots of people are wiser for having been in your shoes, and its the one place where reality bites, cutting through the total BS that MMs tend to feed OWs to keep them hooked...
Mino Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 You've been in this affair for nearly two years and he hasn't left yet?! ? He isn't going to. How do you figure that? Who are you to say he wont? because of the two years? Have to tell you mine took 4. What do you say to that now? Please dont make statements where you dont know the truth... Nobody knows but him... Your not a fortune teller....
Mino Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I'm sure my point has been made by others - but there is NO "process of leaving". You are either in a divorce proceedings or you are not. No middle ground. No process. Your MM either has a lawyer and they are putting together the paperwork or they are not. Its really that simple. Like 2Sunny says, when you hear "process of leaving" its bullcrap. Its another lie.Sure there is a process. People dont just pack up and leave....Robots maybe... The process is where one prepares themselves mentally. There are also many fears to overcome. This IS a major change in ones life that affects many. The second step is confronting ones S. This usually does not go smooth since the S demands they try one more time, go to MC..etc. Then the next step is to confront again. Then researching all the legal stuff, dont want to make stupid mistakes. Then Finding a place to live, then confronting again. In between these steps one is fighting his fears, guilt....So my opinion, there are many steps, and there not always in this order, and some are repeated several times. Its never as cut and dry as the other would like.. So what does these equate to.... lots of time wasted in the ow/ow eyes.
Mino Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 You've been in this affair for nearly two years and he hasn't left yet?! He isn't going to. Where do you see the word " most" in your post? Actually I think "MOST" that do leave , leave after a few years of A, not in the beginging like many want to claim on this board.
Mino Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Please note the bolded word. I am entitled to my opinion, like it or not, and I'm free to express it on here.You stated that after the fact...
Mino Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Just callin' it the way I see it. Most situations such as this don't drag on this long. Please, before you start in on me, note that I said "most." Acually "most of them do!!! MHO!!!
Mino Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Because so many misguided people believe lie upon lie upon lie. So sad. and that is Your opinion... some also know truth.
2sunny Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 statistically speaking "most" MM/MW don't leave the marriage. you can google for the stats. yep, fear of change will keep "most" in the familiar position they are in (marriage). even when they have a good reason to change, "most" get reluctant... change is hard for "most"...
boldjack Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 There is a difference between being "supportive" and being an "enabler".
Mino Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 statistically speaking "most" MM/MW don't leave the marriage. you can google for the stats. yep, fear of change will keep "most" in the familiar position they are in (marriage). even when they have a good reason to change, "most" get reluctant... change is hard for "most"... Statistics are also that divorce rate is as high as 60%... So obviously somebody is leaving....
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Not all marriages that end involve OW or OM. Bottomline is this - If someone wants out of their marriage and is inlove with someone eles, they will just do it and do it quickly so things don't drawn out. A MM or MW who tells their OW/OM they are in the process and haven't moved out, or the BS isn't even aware of the impending divorce, the chances are much higher that they aren't going to leave. In all honesty, it shouldn't take 2-4 years for a person to go through 'the process'. If one wants out, stop talking about it and put it into actions. With that said, yes, some do leave, GEL is a perfect example of that.. The difference is, her MM didn't do the back and forth bit and treat her poorly. ALL his words were backed up with immediate action. I just hope the original poster doesn't sit and wait and wait and wait. It would really suck for her if another 2 years went by and he was STILL telling her "I'm in the process, give me abit more time."
Sandy223 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Mino --- you confuse me!! I would have never guessed that you were the OW in an affair where it took him 4 years to leave. My A is relatively new, and we are falling in love ... it is the beginning, although I have known him for two years prior ... in response to my posts you advised me to get out asap ... and I don't know why this is because your situation worked for you ... ... no, I am not planning on "hanging in there" if I feel tortured and am not enjoying it, him or the process of getting closer to him ... but, I do want to know how you handled it .... I am going to do what I am going to do, and obviously, have not decided to leave the affair .... I am enjoying it ... and at this point .. somewhat deluding myself that I don't care about the outcome ... (I do because I think I am in love) ... but, at the same time, I know that I have no control over the situation from the standpoint of what he does or doesn't do in terms of leaving ... so, I am trying to the old adage of not worrying about or trying to control that which is not yours to control ... I am using this as an opportunity to build my inner strength for all things in life ... ... as a way to learn to always put your best foot forward, regardless of what ends up ultimately happening (in any situation), and enjoying the process and expecting change as part of life ... and to learn how to not worry about things which we can't control ....
gopher Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Statistics are also that divorce rate is as high as 60%... So obviously somebody is leaving.... Not just leaving to be with someone they had an affair with. I'm divorced and neither my ex or I left for someone else....From the friends I know of, this seems to be the more common scenario.
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