Guitarjeff Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 I seem to have a bias toward men when considering affairs. Guys just want sex, and can be happily married and simply get their stick wet from time to time and have no feelings for the other person and can still fel they love their spouse and want to spend their lives with them. Women, for the most part, want the emotional love and to me that hurts guys far worse than the women should be hurt when men are only interested in getting it wet. I think of the movei Porky's, where the male kid is so horny that he is carrying on a conversation about something and he's humping the air. That's guys!! Humping the air like a mindless dog. How can you women be as upset as betrayed guys when most of the time guys aren't emotionally invested, just wanting to have sex, when the women who have affairs want actual love? To me, that hurts so much worse when your spouse emotionally wants love with the other person. I realize that you get the other way some times, but most of the time it's the way I explained. Every time i read a woman talking about being betrayed, there's something in me that just says, "yeah, but he could do that and probably not have any feelings for you change at all. He could still love you and definitely not even think of marrying someone else". Are there other folks out there who have these thoughts? I still see most cheating husbands as that teenager dry humping the air and taking about something completely different. They just want to get it wet and they usually want no emotional stuff. Women want the emotional connection and that sems like it is somehow a far worse betrayal to me.
skywriter Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 I needed to hear this. I've read it time and again, but it's sinking in, finally! I am an ex-ow. No need in making excuses for my selfish behavior. There is never enough lonliness in the world to make me want go down the A Rd. again. Hearing what men really think about their OW, is what I need to hear daily, to keep me grounded. It never was and could never be what I wanted, not to mention how it made me feel about myself. Appreciate you.
Holding-On Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 From my perspective that is a load of phooey. Are you 12? Men may want sex more than an emotional attachment but they are still giving emotional energy and time to the OW. They are still risking pregnancy, and, yes, Reggie, STDs without their wife's consent. They are still LYING to their wives. Most large studies show that the main reason men give for going outside of their marriage is emotional validation. Women stay married to their adultering male partners more often than the reverse. I think most women are, ultimately, more forgiving of men having affairs than men are forgiving of women. In what time and place have men EVER been stoned to death for adultery? The other factor is that women do want sex too. Especially after about 30 or so. However to want sex for sex alone makes one a whorish slut. So many women convince themselves that they really love Mr. X. Despite that some women do just sleep around. Read the threads here.
Author Guitarjeff Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 I certainly don't want t give the impression that it's ok to cheat, or that it isn't the same for women when they just want sex and when some men want love. I am sure that happens a decent percentage of the time too, but not as much as when men are just dry humping everything. In my first and only marriage, there was no infidelity, we just grew apart and had a normal divorce and the complicated stuff with having kids through it. I know that the sex in a marriage can get a little stale and you tend not to do it as much after a few years, but men have a physical nature where sex is concerned, and we can do it with a complete stranger and have no problem with it at all. Men usually want sex, but want it so bad that they will talk love just to get it. Sometimes they can even try to tell themselves they are in love, but most of the time that's phony too. Men want sex with another woman and can have nothing change in their minds where their spouse is concerned, literally, NO LOSS of love or feelings toward them. They could have sex at lunch with a mistress and come home and spend the evening with their wives and literally not feel one ounce less love for their wife or any feelings like they would ever want to marry or be with anyone else. This is why so many times I see advice to betrayed husbands to tell the other man's wife and he'll dump the betrayed man's wife in a heartbeat. Men will say love things if it means getting sex, but most of the time, when they get caught, there's not even a chance he would leave his wife. I remember seeing an episode of that show cheaters, and some guys was banging his baby sitter. he was caught on tape telling the girl he would marry her and would eventually leave his wife for her. When he got caught, the wife standing there in front of them, he dropped the baby sitter like a hot rock. She started crying and said "But you said you loved me", and the husband said "do you think I would ever leave my wife for you?" For the women out there, most of the time, it's not that your husband is good at hiding his change in feelings during an affair, it's because their feelings actually haven't changed. Most of them wouldn't even consider not wanting to be married to you. For men, much of the time, they have to face the fact that their wives have depth and emotion for the other man, and that is simply devastating.
Author Guitarjeff Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 From my perspective that is a load of phooey. Are you 12? Men may want sex more than an emotional attachment but they are still giving emotional energy and time to the OW. They are still risking pregnancy, and, yes, Reggie, STDs without their wife's consent. They are still LYING to their wives. Most large studies show that the main reason men give for going outside of their marriage is emotional validation. Women stay married to their adultering male partners more often than the reverse. I think most women are, ultimately, more forgiving of men having affairs than men are forgiving of women. In what time and place have men EVER been stoned to death for adultery? The other factor is that women do want sex too. Especially after about 30 or so. However to want sex for sex alone makes one a whorish slut. So many women convince themselves that they really love Mr. X. Despite that some women do just sleep around. Read the threads here. "Men may want sex more than an emotional attachment but they are still giving emotional energy and time to the OW. " Time, not if they can help it. Most of the time the man would be thrilled with some fast sex and back to his family, without spending any money of possible. Of course they are risking pregnancy and that's why i said affairs are still wrong. No need to discuss the other stuff as my point was about this specific topic. "Most large studies show that the main reason men give for going outside of their marriage is emotional validation." Sorry, I don't buy that. Men are not going to make themselves look like brutes when asked did they want only sex or emotional support. I am a guy and I full well know what they do it for most of the time, and that isn't changing any time soon. "Women stay married to their adultering male partners more often than the reverse." And that tells me that it's because the men are more devastated because most of the time their wives got emotionally involved and that betrayal is very hard to overcome. It tells me that women, because they have emotional investment want out of their marriages more often. "The other factor is that women do want sex too. Especially after about 30 or so. However to want sex for sex alone makes one a whorish slut. So many women convince themselves that they really love Mr. X. Despite that some women do just sleep around." I know some women want sex as men do, but no way is it even close to being that way most of the time. I have been reading these infidelity forums for a long time and I can clearly see that the cheating wives are far more emotionally involved than the cheating husbands are.
Reggie Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I seem to have a bias toward men when considering affairs. Guys just want sex, and can be happily married and simply get their stick wet from time to time and have no feelings for the other person and can still fel they love their spouse and want to spend their lives with them. Women, for the most part, want the emotional love and to me that hurts guys far worse than the women should be hurt when men are only interested in getting it wet. I think of the movei Porky's, where the male kid is so horny that he is carrying on a conversation about something and he's humping the air. That's guys!! Humping the air like a mindless dog. How can you women be as upset as betrayed guys when most of the time guys aren't emotionally invested, just wanting to have sex, when the women who have affairs want actual love? To me, that hurts so much worse when your spouse emotionally wants love with the other person. I realize that you get the other way some times, but most of the time it's the way I explained. Every time i read a woman talking about being betrayed, there's something in me that just says, "yeah, but he could do that and probably not have any feelings for you change at all. He could still love you and definitely not even think of marrying someone else". Are there other folks out there who have these thoughts? I still see most cheating husbands as that teenager dry humping the air and taking about something completely different. They just want to get it wet and they usually want no emotional stuff. Women want the emotional connection and that sems like it is somehow a far worse betrayal to me. I disagree. Many women just want sex and I'd say just as many guys get emotionally invested in affairs as women. I've just met so many women that just want the physical thing. In many cases, a woman's sex drive is tronger than a man's. I think it threatens guys, for some reason to accept this.
mc1 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I couldn't say what typically happens, but my husband was extremely emotionally attached during his affair. It was about 20 times easier for him to stop having sex with her than it was for him to stop talking to her. If I would have had an affair, it would have been about getting more attention, including physically.
2sure Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 One thing that was left out, and was part of my H's infidelity: Along with the sex that guys want - even if it seems like just sex - is validation. Possibly not the same validation women seek - but Men like my husband , especially after marriage - want to be reaffirmed that they " still got it" . My H expalined that he and other MM he has known get a real kick out of being able to attract so much attention from OW even though they offer nothing in return. Its awful.
roybatty Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I know some women want sex as men do, but no way is it even close to being that way most of the time. I have been reading these infidelity forums for a long time and I can clearly see that the cheating wives are far more emotionally involved than the cheating husbands are. I'll back you up on this jeff. It makes me want to puke to think how my wife cast me aside, making plans for her future as she was banging the OM. Actually my wife dumped him after I told her I really wanted her and I would do what it took to work on the marriage. (We weren't living together at the time and I was a bad husband.) We are now about 2 months into recovery, about 6 MC sessions later. But it still makes my skin crawl to think that her intent was to start a long term relationship with some P.O.S. when she was making me think I was the only one.
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 But it still makes my skin crawl to think that her intent was to start a long term relationship with some P.O.S. when she was making me think I was the only one. You have to know during that time she was in a total affair-fog and wasn't thinking of anyone but herself.
roybatty Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 You have to know during that time she was in a total affair-fog and wasn't thinking of anyone but herself. Yeah, I do realize that. The thing is, she was having sex with me the whole time. She slept with this guy two times... about 3 days after the first time, she called to meet me to have the divorce discussion. I didn't know what was about to hit me, so I just agreed... Funny thing was, later that night we had crazy good sex although I didn't spend the night with her. The next night, she was with him again. Screwing him in the same bed that I had been in with her the night before. On the very next day (Thursday), I happened to stop by her office. We were just having small talk when the light bulb finally went on in my head. I asked her if she was seeing someone and she admitted to it. That Thursday and Friday were probably the longest days of my life as I went from rage to regret to sorrow. I finally came to the conclusion that I really did want her, inspite of everything. I proposed to her that if she would stop giving herself to this other guy, that I would do whatever I could to save the marriage. Well, she responded. She cancelled her date with the O.M. for Friday night. By Sunday night she was broke up with him and we started to work on things. I was with her most of those three days... Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We now have been living together again for about 2 months. Things have actually been really good. She says that this is the marraige she's always wanted. I did commit to several changes... and changes that were not hard for me to do... like touch her more. After saying all of that, I just have a part of me that still hangs on to the anger and rage. Maybe one day I'll get over it.
fral945 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Are there other folks out there who have these thoughts? I still see most cheating husbands as that teenager dry humping the air and taking about something completely different. They just want to get it wet and they usually want no emotional stuff. Women want the emotional connection and that sems like it is somehow a far worse betrayal to me. I agree. I think men and women both have emotional and physical needs. The difference is the degree of our needs. Generally speaking, the problem is women tend to have more emotional needs and/or demands and men tend to have more physical needs and/or demands in a relationship. A man who is thinking about cheating will likely want more physically or sexually from a woman than she has to offer (or will offer). I personally have been in way more relationships where I was sexually frustrated and wanted more or different. OTOH, I can’t recall a relationship where a woman didn’t provide enough of an emotional connection for me. I (and most men) could probably have 1000s of platonic relationships with women if I wanted to. Women, OTOH, rarely have problems finding available physical connections. A woman could sleep with 1000s of men if she wanted to without any emotional attachment. The problem is most women value the emotional connection more than the physical connection. I think that’s why we hear women complain that “all guys are looking for one thing” or they talk about “emotionally unavailable” men. A woman will likely be tempted to cheat because she wants more emotionally than a man has to offer (or will offer). I can count on one hand the number of times I have heard men complain about a woman who was only trying to get in his pants, or a woman that was “emotionally unavailable”. These are obviously broad generalizations and individuals will differ. But I think if you look at society as a whole the generalizations are true. I have seen posts on this board from sexually frustrated women and men who complained about a lack of an emotional connection. But they are both in the minority when you look at the big picture.
Reggie Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I'll back you up on this jeff. It makes me want to puke to think how my wife cast me aside, making plans for her future as she was banging the OM. Actually my wife dumped him after I told her I really wanted her and I would do what it took to work on the marriage. (We weren't living together at the time and I was a bad husband.) We are now about 2 months into recovery, about 6 MC sessions later. But it still makes my skin crawl to think that her intent was to start a long term relationship with some P.O.S. when she was making me think I was the only one. This is a total myth, about women not desiring as much sex as the guys. In fact, many, many have higher sex drives. If men do not wake up to this, there will be trouble in the relationship.
taylor Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I seem to have a bias toward men when considering affairs. Guys just want sex, and can be happily married and simply get their stick wet from time to time and have no feelings for the other person and can still fel they love their spouse and want to spend their lives with them. Women, for the most part, want the emotional love and to me that hurts guys far worse than the women should be hurt when men are only interested in getting it wet. I realize that you get the other way some times, but most of the time it's the way I explained. And this is the reason I started a thread called, "Getting over an affair" with the premise that women have a harder time getting over their affairs than men do because they get emotionally attached to their OP's whereas men may not. Many posters were quick to tell me this was not the case...that a man can have just as difficult of a time letting go of an OW as a woman has of letting go of an OM. The verdict is still out, I guess. Do you think this is why men's adultery is acceptable in some cultures..because men do not get emotionally involved...it's just for meaningless sex...whereas a woman's infidelity has much more meaning, ie, emotional involvement? In other words, some societies accept men's infidelity because it's just for sex but don't accept women's infidelity because the emotional involvement is likely to disrupt the family unit? These are very generalized questions, of course.
roybatty Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 This is a total myth, about women not desiring as much sex as the guys. In fact, many, many have higher sex drives. If men do not wake up to this, there will be trouble in the relationship. In my case, my wife was in fact, looking for a long term solution... she was checking out the sex to see if it suited her. Apparently it did, but she still came back to me instead. I'm not admitting that I'm some kind of dud in the sack... but trading exciting affair sex for someone who she had sex with for years... well, it didn't take her long to dump the P.O.S. for what she wanted with me.
desertmoon Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I think most men can separate the physical act of sex from the emotional component. I think because society condones it. While it might be true that the sexual appetites are probably comparable, it is in how we go about satisfying it that differs. Of course, this is a sweeping generalization. There are women who view having sex as just "taking care of business"-no more, no less...and men who are really emotional about it...but, Women are taught from day one that they are not to have sex unless 1) married 2) are in love 3) want to have children-not necessarily in that order and not all of them have to be present but one of them has to be. Otherwise, they are just cheap whores. Men on the other hand, do not have to have those prerequisites to having sex or at least it is not emphasized. It is common knowledge that our society looks at a woman who is a cheat worst than a man who is a cheat. It also makes it easier for men to be forgiven when they cheat than a woman who does. A man who takes back a cheating wife is look upon as a wimp-a wife who takes back a cheating husband, well...is long-suffering and forgiving.....
Reggie Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 D, I think you may be surprised at the number of women that do not connect sex with emotional attachment. Perhaps because they do not feel free to admit it. But, any attractive guy can tell you that he has been hit on innumerable times for just sex. Same with wealthy guys, I would imagine. And, in my upbringing it was emphasized that casual sex is a no-no. Most of the girls I knew were way more advanced than the guys. Also, in my peer group, anyone that cheats on his spouse is looked down upon.
65tr6 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 . A man who takes back a cheating wife is look upon as a wimp-a wife who takes back a cheating husband, well...is long-suffering and forgiving..... that would be me then. Desertmoon, i agree with you completely except where you kept referring to "society". Is that not your view ? There is always exceptions but I agree with your summary. What makes it so difficult for a man to accept back wife who cheated ? 1) They feel so disrespected by the act that they never want them back again in their life. In some societies it is just NOT accepted, that a woman can be in an affair outside her marriage. It is more accepted now in this country but I bet that was not the case, say, 50 years ago. (I guess woman are catching up with men after all !) 2) It is more difficult to accept them back because it is LOT of work. Woman, being from Mars, emotional and all that, give 100% (or more) in an affair when emotionally involved. They give it all. Their family becomes secondary. They disconnect completely from their husbands and have both their feet stuck out the marriage door. About people calling me a wimp (i am not saying they are) for taking back my wife...I care less. I really dont see that an act (of taking back) as strength or weakness. I feel I am doing the right thing, for me, my son, my family. If everytime I needed to look at the polls before I made my decision, I would be in trouble.
jwi71 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 About people calling me a wimp (i am not saying they are) for taking back my wife...I care less. I really dont see that an act (of taking back) as strength or weakness. I feel I am doing the right thing, for me, my son, my family. If everytime I needed to look at the polls before I made my decision, I would be in trouble. It takes enormous courage to take back a WS. It takes even more courage to let go of the mistrust and try and rebuild. Wimp? No. It requires almost unimaginable strength and courage to move forward, accept the failures by BOTH parties and rebuild. It is a long and painful fight whose outcome is not only unclear but seeming predetermined. It isn't. What it requires is for each to understand how they failed and how the spouse failed. And the only way to do that is to ask the hard questions and delve into the dark recesses of their respective personalities. No one likes to face the "dark side". It may be that after asking the questions, reflection and the inevitable change that comes with that - they M may survive or it may end. Won't know unless you try. Wimps won't. Cowards won't. No 65 - you're not a wimp. Most BS are not.
Spark1111 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 that taking back a WS who was emotionally invested in their affair partner is the hardest, most courageous act I have ever participated in on behalf of myself, my spouse and my family. It would be so much easier to walk away from it all and start anew. Some days, it takes so much strength and resourcefullness to keep it all together and I beyond drained, but as the eternal optimist, I am resolved that better days are yet to come.
Mino Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I believe it may start off as for sex only at the beginning of an A for the man. BUT as time goes on it does turn emotional. So the question is really how long has the A been going on, did they do things together other then sex? There is a difference between a romp in the hay verses a long term A. Men may be able to seperate the sex and heart for the short term, but HELLO, they DO fall in love too, they are not just horny robots, like you may want to think. So it really boils down to what TYPE of a relationship it was and for long did it last....same as any other R, mho
OpenBook Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Most of the time the man would be thrilled with some fast sex and back to his family, without spending any money of possible. I agree that this appears to be true, for the vast majority of MM.
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