NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 I came here before when I needed help and the advice I got helped tremedously. I hope it does again this time. While in an affair everything is so secretive and in my case I have no one to talk to about this but the OW. She is very angry and has said some mean things to me and I need some one other than her advice and opinions. A snip of history....I had an affair with a married woman for almost three years. Started in 2006. In 2007 I left my common law for this woman because we were so " In Love". She kept telling me she was leaving her husband but never took any steps...she still slept in the same bed as him but dont worry nothing was going on....she was continuing to live her life with him family functions trips etc...she kept telling me she was coming and that because of her daughter she was staying. She told me that she didnt want to hurt him either and that I just had to believe and be patient for her.I love her so much that I was patient took her word. Well at the start of 2008 I met a woman that was fantastic and I, in the OW words had an "affair" It lasted 3 months and she lived in another state so the communication was phone and email with 3 trips. On the last trip I ended it because my heart belonged to the OW. I kept this from her and continued to wait for her I watched her make attempts like putting up the house for sale and then take it off. I helped her through fights with her husband...all the while she continued to sleep in the same bed with him. she tells me that she could never sleep with him.. I dont get that part.. On Jan 24th 2009 she went snooping in my email account while I was out of the house and she found the emails that I had with the affair and ending it. She confronted me and I lied then she showed me the emails and I told her....she ended our relationship and then for reasons that I cant quite figured out left her husband. She tells me that she wants to work things through but I cant figure out why...I know that trust is the basis of any strong relationship and I have violated that trust by lying to her...not to mention given that we were the product of an affair we had trust issues to face in the future that we would have had. I dont know what to do here. I love her more than life itself but if the situation was reversed.... ie she had been having sex still with her husband I dont know that I could forgive so fast. I am prepared to live with my mistake for the "affair'' for the rest of my life. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me....Im sorry that I did what I did but I know that if I was with her in a relationship( I dont call an affair a relationship...she does though) I NEVER would have done this. I spent over a year alone waiting for her and watching all of her deadlines that she gave me to take steps toward leaving come and go with no advancement towards us! I did what I did because I never thought she was going to leave and there was this fabulous woman that came into my life that drew me away...the one thing it did do was reaffirm my love for the OW and that I had to give her the time and chance she needed to leave....maybe Im crazy but I can tell you this, I LOVE THIS WOMAN WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE. She is living at another house right now and is going away with her daughter to her parents house for 2 weeks I have asked here to really consider taking me back...I asked her why she would and she never really gave me an answer...part of me thinks its because I was right to suspect that she was still having sex with her husband and feels that what I did kind of evens things out... Having an affair is like playing with fire....I did and I got burned! I need help from some one to either slap me to snap out of this, yell at me to call me the evil man that I feel that I am or, tell me that there is a way for me to forgive myself so that I can get back what we had hopes for.
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 It's kind of odd that she is accusing you of having an affair, or you feel you've had an affair on her seeing as she's STILL with her husband. The house isn't sold and she hasn't divorced him. Atleast you did the right thing by ending your common-law marriage..Seems your MW hasn't even done that. Does her husband even know that she wants out of the marriage?
Author NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 Well he does now because she left and is staying some where else.
Author NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 Thanks BentnotBroken.... I dont know why I felt the need to lie...I think its because I thought maybe I could just get away with it if I never said anything and lied when I got caught because I didnt want to loose her. As it turns out anyways that just happened. She wanted to talk about the details of the affair like the number of times we had sex when we were together and all that I minimized the number. We just spoke and she asked if I was telling the truth and I said no told her the truth and she said that I continue to lie and she is right. She just told me that she is not comng back to me ever and to move on. Remember this was a year ago now.... and I tell you that I have had many women approach me for dating but my heart belongs to her and I turned them down...People can learn from there mistakes and I guess Im a wealth of knowledge now!! So I guess now my question is.....Is there a way for me to get her back?....as I right this Im hearing BentnotBroken....."what makes you put yourself in a no win situation" I guess Im following my heart and not my brain. I know that I will never cheat on her if we were in a real relationship. I could have since and didnt!!
travelgirl Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 This might be the most messed up posting I have seen on the "infidelity" forum. Let me get this straight: You left a women you spent years with to be in "lala land" with another women who was married and played you for years, never leaving her husband. Let you leave your common law even though she knew she wasn't going to leave her husband. Lied to husband all the time behind his back, lied to you by saying they never slept together (if you believe it, your a fool.) Then you meet a nice normal women and instead of leaving this crazy backstabbing OW for her, you instead see the normal girl behind crazy girl's back. You then leave normal girl for crazy girl who is still with husband. Then crazy girl (who lies all the time, so she herself will never trust anyone) logs onto your computer and finds messages from another women. So instead of realizing she in the wrong and ruining her marriage and anything with you and needs to make a decision, she guilt trips you into thinking YOU were wrong and leaves you. She did this so you would chase her and you played right into her hands. You have no idea why she left husband although I am sure she told you what you needed to hear. He probably booted her a$$ out. Now you are begging her back, thinking you will have a great life with her. ARE YOU CRAZY??? Just say she divorces hubby. You are telling me you and her are going to move in together, her kids will fall in love with you and you will live a perfectly happy trusting life together - ya right!! If you do get back with her, you both will realize how boring a real relationship is when it isn't in "lala affair land." Once it is no longer sneaky, exciting and obsession-filled, it turns into a normal relationship and it is obvious neither of you are content in them. This doesn't include dealing with her kids. Will they move in with you? How about finances, bills, healthcare. How about dealing with OW's ex? How about trust issues? Will you really trust her? Will she trust you? Why don't you take a break by yourself and figure out what you want in your life. The only reason you think it is her is because it is an addiction and a game of sorts. You want to "win!" but really what are winning? A cheating backstabbing women who doesn't mind hurting her husband and her family for her selfish needs. Who turns the tables on you every chance she gets to improve her shattered self esteem. If that is what you want to win, go for it. If you want to take a breath and re-evaluate you life, stay away from her until you can think clearly.
Author NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 I was not in a long relationship and there was no love trust me or lost for that matter.... I hear you travelgirl and I appreciate your bluntness. you have put to words all the thoughts that I have had since but I tell you I love this woman and for some reason need a real relationship with her to know the truth...... I guess I thought that anyway....maybe you are right time will clear my head of this and allow for some reality to set in. I know that you may not believe this given the situation that I am in but I am having a real hard time forgiving myself for what I have caused. I do have integrity and believe in trust and honor and its killing me that I went against my own convictions on this entire journey. Where do I go from here... I feel so empty with out her.. God Im such a loser...
travelgirl Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 You aren't a loser. I think you had a boring relationship with the common law girl and this new relationship with OW was exciting and you were drawn to the chase. You never won, she never left DH for you, and you were obsessed with winning the situation. She was obsessed with another man fighting for her and had her cake and ate it too - never taking you or her husband's feelings into consideration. It is NOT a normal situation, it is NOT a normal relationship and honestly, she isn't a nice person to do this to 2 men and her family/kids. It is selfish. You may love her but I think if you take some time and get over the addiction of the chase, you might re-evaluate what a life with her would really be. Never trusting her, always wondering is she seeing else, will she ever be satisfied, feeling bad for the deceit, ruining her kid's intact family, etc.... There is a lot to consider. I wouldn't jump back into her arms just yet. Take some time for yourself to clear your mind.
Author NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Thank you travelgirl.... I appreciate your advice... and agree just right now I feel like my light at the end of the tunnel just went out. Time is what I need...
jwi71 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 A snip of history....I had an affair with a married woman for almost three years. Started in 2006. In 2007 I left my common law for this woman because we were so " In Love". I'm glad you put the whole "In Love" part in quotes. I doubt you "love" her. She kept telling me she was leaving her husband but never took any steps...she still slept in the same bed as him but dont worry nothing was going on....she was continuing to live her life with him family functions trips etc...she kept telling me she was coming and that because of her daughter she was staying. She told me that she didnt want to hurt him either and that I just had to believe and be patient for her.I love her so much that I was patient took her word. Aye yi yi. I have ocean front property in Arizona I'd like to sell you. I hope you realize that that is BS...I can smell it through my monitor. Well at the start of 2008 I met a woman that was fantastic and I, in the OW words had an "affair" It lasted 3 months and she lived in another state so the communication was phone and email with 3 trips. On the last trip I ended it because my heart belonged to the OW. I kept this from her You cheated on your wife and then you cheated on your OW. I think I can stop quoting you at this point. If you are not in IC, I would go. You are not ready for a long term relationship. And there's nothing wrong with that. But cheating isn't the answer. Its fair to exactly no one, yourself included. My advice is to find a good IC and start to explore why you cannot stay faithful before you even think of a monogamous R with anyone. I'm not saying be a hermit or not date, just avoid serious R's until you understand why you cheat. Save yourself and all involved with you that pain. And you DO NOT LOVE HER so stop with it already. Good luck...
desertmoon Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Learn to let go...I think your MW never loved you. I think she found a reason to leave you and ran with it. She did not leave her husband while you were hovering around her because she did not want to end up with you. Now she is free of her husband and free of you. Sorry, you gambled and you lost. Time to move on...
seibert253 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Dude, hate to tell you this, but you were nothing but exercise, a good Fu#k when she wanted it. She NEVER planned on leaving her husband. Textbook for cheaters to string you along when the OP falls in love. If/when there spouse finds out, you're kicked to the curb because they never planned on bailing on their marriage. Lost/wasted time on your part. Time to move on.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I came here before when I needed help and the advice I got helped tremedously. I hope it does again this time. After reading the story, doesn't look like the advice the first time around helped you all that much. You want some really good advice? Get out there and find a woman that isn't attached and quit messing around with someone elses wife. and hopefully someday the husband of this MW will realize what she is doing and get rid of the worthless excuse of a woman.
Author NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Well...you guys just proved it Im a fool.....But for the record I was never married and I called her a common law because we lived together. It was a three year relationship including the first time meeting until the last day. I have no problems being faithfull either. When I was emotionally attached to the OW thats when I broke up my relationship and began the waiting game for the OW... The only reason why I saw the woman fromt he other state was because I didnt think she was coming and this girl was great but I soon found out that I wanted the OW and even now I do... Thanks for all your advice....its appreciated
Dexter Morgan Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Well...you guys just proved it Im a fool.....But for the record I was never married and I called her a common law because we lived together. It was a three year relationship including the first time meeting until the last day. I have no problems being faithfull either. But you do have a problem keeping your member away from another man's wife. When I was emotionally attached to the OW thats when I broke up my relationship and began the waiting game for the OW... The only reason why I saw the woman fromt he other state was because I didnt think she was coming and this girl was great but I soon found out that I wanted the OW and even now I do... So basically you want a cheater? ok:confused: So she is still married, not wanting to leave her marriage, so how do you feel boffing another man's wife?
65tr6 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Where do I go from here... I feel so empty with out her.. God Im such a loser... this is very messed up post. You are a loser because you didnt get the MW ? (sorry this is so messed up that this is sounds like king of affairs) OW is single or married too ? Look you fell in "love" twice, so do yourself and the married men a favor, dont destroy families. Try dating someone with no strings attached.
Author NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Wow harsh but true..but DO NOT judge me....I didnt feel good about boffing another mans wife. I walked away afew times because she hadnt left and she chased me and promised me the world and to be patient. Listen folks affairs happen this is my first and only one and I am human and we all make mistakes what is important is that I have learned from this and trust me it will not happen again.
desertmoon Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Wow harsh but true..but DO NOT judge me....I didnt feel good about boffing another mans wife. I walked away afew times because she hadnt left and she chased me and promised me the world and to be patient. Listen folks affairs happen this is my first and only one and I am human and we all make mistakes what is important is that I have learned from this and trust me it will not happen again. LOL..oh no you didn't!!! my dear NeverthoughtIdbehear, you are so naive! you will get slammed here and of course, you will be judged. And you will be told "afffairs don't happen"... but a lot of good insights, good viewpoints and different perspectives...run with the good...!
Author NeverthoughtIdbehear Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 LOL Thanks DM.....the voice of reason..... very nice...
desertmoon Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Frankly, I do not see why the man has to be told how wrong and immoral he is....he recognizes the wrongs he has done and is contrite, sorry and remorseful.... but it feels good to just dig in it...
jwi71 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Listen folks affairs happen this is my first and only one and I am human and we all make mistakes what is important is that I have learned from this and trust me it will not happen again. If I may - what have you learned?
desertmoon Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Only if it turns you on. Your assumption is that what you view as judgemental, I view as a part of me. I can't separate my beliefs from how I respond to life. I live my life that way. What I said to him is he didn't make a mistake, he made a choice. And to call it a mistake minimizes the damage that his A has caused. Remorse, contrition, and regret don't erase that fact. I am glad he feels as if he learned a lesson. Maybe he truly has. What everyone needs to remember is we don't live in this world alone. Our lives, our actions, good or bad, effect others. Excuse me, but YOU are assuming I was responding to your post. Hello? the world does not revolved around you. If I was, I would've quoted you. I do not care about what you do with your beliefs. And nobody is saying his remorse, etc, erases or minimizes the fact. All I am saying is: the man realized the error of his ways, why the need to make him see how wrong he is? There is no point to it, but the simple fact that, cheap as it may be , it makes some of us feel better than others. Of course, the way we live affect others-duh! We are social beings. So you don't think a mistake could be a choice?
desertmoon Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Never said that a mistake couldn't be in a choice. But a repeated choice isn't a mistake no matter how you twist it. It is self serving and nothing more, and why so pissy? Yes, I assumed you were talking to me. Sorrrrryyyy! What got your drawers in a wad to day? LOL!!! i think you are projecting....as always...
65tr6 Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Wow harsh but true..but DO NOT judge me..... you know what, i never thought about this phrase that much before until recently....until my wife's affair came out...As kids, we are judged constantly and we are told what is right from wrong. I believe in that. My parents may not have had perfect marriage but they imparted me with morals and values that I will carry with me for rest of my lives. I am greatful to them for rest of my life. They judged me constantly until I was an adult. Just because we are now grown up does not mean we cannot be judged. I think that is our problem. We think all of a sudden we know it all ? In my opinion the learning curve never stops. So you think you are a saint (I know I am not one) and you cannot be judged ? What you made is beyond a simple mistake. You are playing with fire like you said. Except it is legal but morally wrong. But the good news is you are here and looks like you are willing to learn and move on. That is the best thing you can do. You are not married, you said. You have already proved to yourself that you can fall in "love" (whatever your definition of love is) more than once. So it can happen again. Next time be wise. Pick someone who is not married or does not have a boyfriend. You may not experience the "thrill" you did in your previous encouters, but then I am assuming you are looking for a viable, feasible long term relationship.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Wow harsh but true..but DO NOT judge me....I didnt feel good about boffing another mans wife. but if she showed up on your doorstep, you'd do it again. You know you would. So i don't think you feel that bad about it. Listen folks affairs happen this is my first and only one and I am human and we all make mistakes what is important is that I have learned from this and trust me it will not happen again. So if she showed up, came in inside, took all her clothes off, you telling us that you wouldn't jump her? You'd tell her to put her clothes on and get out?
vnqsh2001 Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 I have no problems being faithfull either. When I was emotionally attached to the OW thats when I broke up my relationship and began the waiting game for the OW... The only reason why I saw the woman fromt he other state was because I didnt think she was coming and this girl was great but I soon found out that I wanted the OW and even now I do... So, let me get this straight, you have no problem being faithful as long as you don't have a good reason to cheat? Is that what you're trying to say? Excuses are easy to come by and they will most likely arise from time to time. What makes you a faithful person is your ability to disregard those excuses and keep yourself in check when temptation arrives. Do you think you've proven yourself to be that kind of person? If not, then I wouldn't say you don't have problems remaining faithful. If you've got a problem, the first step to recovery is recognizing that the problem exists.
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