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what's your experience with emotionally unavailable people?


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Posted

Have you ever dated or known somebody who seems emotionally flat? They rarely show strong emotions, negative or positive. They almost seem invulnerable. Often they coat over their emotional emptiness with a laid back, cheerful demeanor. Anger may be the only emotional display you ever get from them. They often report a lack of deep emotions, and tend to complain of an "empty" feeling inside. On very rare occasions they may suddenly display a strong emotion that makes you hope you've finally poked a hole in the wall. Those "cathartic" moments rarely lead anywhere but keep you coming back for more.

 

These are symptoms of what I would describe as emotional unavailability. People who suffer from it are often decent, moral and nice, but just seem cold on a basic level. It's like an antisocial personality minus the lack of conscience.

 

Some people use the term "emotionally unavailable" to describe those who have walls up that eventually come down when they trust somebody. I think of it more as people who are strangers even to themselves, who can never truly open up because they don't have access to their own underlying emotions. Whether or not those emotions even exist is unclear in some cases.

 

A number of my relationships have been with men of this type. It's not something I even find attractive in theory, yet I slip into relationships with them. It's ironic because I find this personality type highly disturbing/distressing, yet have chosen to put myself in close quarters with it. At the same time I'm also fascinated by people like this because they're so different from me. I almost admire their lack of vulnerability.

 

Do you find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable people or have you ever gone through a phase of being?

 

What were your relationship experiences with them?

 

What are some of the early signs of emotional unavailability in a relationship and is there any way of connecting with someone who suffers from it?

Posted

A number of my relationships have been with men of this type. It's not something I even find attractive in theory, yet I slip into relationships with them. It's ironic because I find this personality type highly disturbing/distressing, yet have chosen to put myself in close quarters with it. At the same time I'm also fascinated by people like this because they're so different from me. I almost admire their lack of vulnerability.

 

No I haven't been involved with any men like this. I have dated a couple of them but this quality kept me from ever wanting to see them again.

 

Strange that you would "almost admire" their lack of vulnerability.

I find it disquieting that they are so removed even from their own lives. It is like they are the walking dead.

 

And I feel sorry for them that they'll never know what the depths of true feeling are. But I still never wanted to take on the challenge of getting involved with one.

Posted

*sigh* You just described my XH. Very frustrating way to live. I kept hoping for SOMETHING and thinking I was getting somewhere...but, no.

 

I'm not really sure how you can pick them out. He was my first emotional flat-liner. But I am glad to see that there are more out there, obviously. I had thoughts that maybe it was MY fault, or something.

Posted

i admit that I am myself emotionally unavailable when it come to relationships, and thus I choose other emotionally unavailable men to date. The combo doesn't really work! haha.

 

The sad thing is that most EU people desperately crave that intimacy, but are just too scared to let down their walls. Like me.

 

I think a good indicator of someone who is EU is to gauge their reaction towards heavy conversations. How they talk about their past relationships, how they interact with friends. I dated a guy once who was like emotional teflon -- nothing bothered him -- and in the end, I could never get close to him.

Posted
Have you ever dated or known somebody who seems emotionally flat? They rarely show strong emotions, negative or positive. They almost seem invulnerable. Often they coat over their emotional emptiness with a laid back, cheerful demeanor. Anger may be the only emotional display you ever get from them. They often report a lack of deep emotions, and tend to complain of an "empty" feeling inside. On very rare occasions they may suddenly display a strong emotion that makes you hope you've finally poked a hole in the wall. Those "cathartic" moments rarely lead anywhere but keep you coming back for more.

 

Well...rather than presenting with a laid back, cheerful attitude, I'd say that socially he had a very flamboyant, almost manically enthusiastic or jokily ranting approach. As though he was on speed. I never knew how to respond to those phases. That would come across in my body language I suppose, and he'd give me "you just don't get it" look before ranting/enthusing with more of what looked like rather contrived animation. He certainly admitted, more than once, to inner feelings of emptiness. He'd been on anti-depressants pretty much all his adult life.

 

 

These are symptoms of what I would describe as emotional unavailability. People who suffer from it are often decent, moral and nice, but just seem cold on a basic level. It's like an antisocial personality minus the lack of conscience.

 

Soon after I split with this guy I was in a cafe, and "Easy to be hard" from the musical Hair came on. I hadn't heard it in years, and it spooked me. It's an appeal to a guy who's socially aware, politically correct, caring about all kinds of issues etc...but doesn't actually care about the woman he's with.

 

I think that song may applicable to a lot of people who want to be "good" but have an intimacy problem/not very strong emotions. That they compensate by developing an attachment to, and seemingly burning passion for, an endless parade of ideologies and causes. But the "passionately caring" approach doesn't quite ring true, because in terms of personality type they come across as artisans rather than idealists. Perhaps this describes an excessive degree of narcissism rather than emotional unavailability, but I think the two correlate. If you're an idealist by temperament, it's easy to kid yourself that someone like that is your soulmate.

 

I almost admire their lack of vulnerability.

 

I saw a lot of vulnerability and fear (about attachment) in that guy. Whether that was real or a ruse he used to pull on my heart strings and keep me emotionally invested, I don't know.

 

is there any way of connecting with someone who suffers from it?

 

I think you can connect with pretty much anyone, on a superficial basis, as long as you're giving them what they need and not demanding much of them in return. When you stop giving them what they need, or they find a better (in their view) source to meet their needs, or you seem to need something from them that they can't/won't give, the connection breaks.

 

I don't know what the right person for that kind of individual would look like, but I suspect they'd have to be able to withstand endless disappointments, and have a good support network of people who cared about them in order to retain some degree of self esteem.

Posted

Hmm very interesting post. Yes I have dated men like this, in fact my last bf I jokingly called him the "ice man." Sheesh, I sure didn't know I was digging myself a grave there at the time.

 

I personally am this way as well. Although I'd describe myself as the type to let my walls crack little by little as trust builds. I love love. To be honest I just don't trust others. Thats why the wall is up. If I gain your trust, you're in. May not be the healthiest of habits but it's mine and I think after what I've been through I need a little protection.

Posted

shadow, you'll find yourself on either side of the discussion. There are situations where you're going to be emotionally unavailable to others, as well. If you think about it, you're going to probably come up with the same person I'm thinking of, which was your b/fs best friend. This is not a personal attack. Just something to consider.

 

I've been on both sides of the same coin, not at the same time. The best way to handle it, in my opinion, is to walk away. Life's too short to keep hitting your head against a brick wall.

 

On the otherhand, I think we sometimes believe that people are more emotionally deep than they really are. Part of it is that we "want" them to be that way. This doesn't make them horrible people. They are who they are, for whatever their reasons.

Posted

I liked one guy like this, and I'm glad he never led me on. It wouldn't have worked out.

 

There is a difference (a big one) between being STRONG/somewhat stoic and being EMOTIONALLY VAPID.

 

What you need to do is start seeing emotional unavailability as a deal breaker, pure and simple.

 

I'm tired of hearing how miserable you are. You are tormenting yourself by letting completely stupid guys affect your sense of self.

  • Author
Posted

Weird. There was only one guy I met this year that I found really attractive (the one who was throwing the party last night). It turns out according to my ex that this 25-year-old guy is a total commitment-phobe. He says he never wants to be in a relationship, and that he can't even take care of a pet or plant for two months. He says he'll probably be like his fifty year old uncle who has never married.

 

I had no indication whatsoever that this guy was a commitment-phobe when I first met him, and yet something attracted me. What was it? Do emotionally unavailable guys give off subtle cues about their nature even in impersonal conversation? How do I avoid developing crushes on said guys?

  • Author
Posted
shadow, you'll find yourself on either side of the discussion. There are situations where you're going to be emotionally unavailable to others, as well. If you think about it, you're going to probably come up with the same person I'm thinking of, which was your b/fs best friend. This is not a personal attack. Just something to consider.

 

I've been on both sides of the same coin, not at the same time. The best way to handle it, in my opinion, is to walk away. Life's too short to keep hitting your head against a brick wall.

 

On the otherhand, I think we sometimes believe that people are more emotionally deep than they really are. Part of it is that we "want" them to be that way. This doesn't make them horrible people. They are who they are, for whatever their reasons.

 

I agree with you that many people are available to some and un- to others. Then there are those who seem incapable of opening up to anyone. They usually have a history of short-term failed relationships.

 

I tend to overestimate how deep the guys I like truly are. There's something enticing about unlocking a wealth of emotion or insight beneath a cold exterior. It makes you feel special to be the only person let in. Also the less somebody reveals about themselves, the more you build up what they're really like.

Posted
I agree with you that many people are available to some and un- to others. Then there are those who seem incapable of opening up to anyone. They usually have a history of short-term failed relationships.
If we're talking about 25 year old guys, that would be 95% of them! :laugh:

 

I tend to overestimate how deep the guys I like truly are. There's something enticing about unlocking a wealth of emotion or insight beneath a cold exterior. It makes you feel special to be the only person let in. Also the less somebody reveals about themselves, the more you build up what they're really like.
I've also done it a few times and lived to rue the day. Can't blame the guy for it. Just my own projection of wishful thinking. :(
Posted

Actually,

 

Upon reading the opening thread I thought you might be talking about yourself.

 

You and your ex have been through some challenges and that is putting it mildly. Now you are sort of using him for networking purposes, or to meet next hook ups. How could he not emotionally check out and still deal with you?

 

This is not a dig, but seriously. Have you ever thought of things from a perspective other then your own shyness, insecurities, or goals? Objective analysis?

 

You have found other guys attractive in the past year. Or attractive enough.

 

My question is how long have you gone without romantic attention/validation?

 

Ask yourself the hard questions. I say this with good intent.

Posted

I tend to overestimate how deep the guys I like truly are. There's something enticing about unlocking a wealth of emotion or insight beneath a cold exterior. It makes you feel special to be the only person let in. Also the less somebody reveals about themselves, the more you build up what they're really like.

 

I hope I wasn't too harsh before.

I think it's great that you're realizing the harmful pattern of falling for people who happen to be emotionally unavailable. This isn't really your fault but now you have recognized it and can try to do something about it.

 

It sounds like you equate distance with depth but that really isn't the case. I have made the same mistake before, I think most of us have.

  • Author
Posted
Actually,

 

Upon reading the opening thread I thought you might be talking about yourself.

 

You and your ex have been through some challenges and that is putting it mildly. Now you are sort of using him for networking purposes, or to meet next hook ups. How could he not emotionally check out and still deal with you?

 

This is not a dig, but seriously. Have you ever thought of things from a perspective other then your own shyness, insecurities, or goals? Objective analysis?

 

You have found other guys attractive in the past year. Or attractive enough.

 

My question is how long have you gone without romantic attention/validation?

 

Ask yourself the hard questions. I say this with good intent.

 

OK, I understand why you might come to that conclusion. I'll admit that I enjoy meeting cool people through my ex, but I wasn't consciously "using" him to scout out potential hookups. It's possible that I was doing this on a subconscious level, but on a conscious level I was thinking more in terms of making friends. To be honest my romantic interest in men has reached a low point. I want friends, badly.

 

You know how sometimes you're just drawn to a person because you find them attractive and share similar interests but romance isn't necessarily on your mind? I know people will be skeptical, but that was honestly what was going on.

 

It was different with my ex's bf, where I had more of a conscious motive.

 

I don't know if it's because of unrealistic standards, commitment phobia or whatever, but I've only found a few guys attractive in the past year. You have to consider that most of the guys I'm meeting are several years younger than I am. The few that piqued my interest were my age or older.

  • Author
Posted
If we're talking about 25 year old guys, that would be 95% of them! :laugh:

 

I've also done it a few times and lived to rue the day. Can't blame the guy for it. Just my own projection of wishful thinking. :(

 

 

So that changes for a lot of men later in life? I thought by 25 most guys were ready for LTRs.

Posted

It's possible that I was doing this on a subconscious level, but on a conscious level I was thinking more in terms of making friends.

 

That is really no excuse. I understand the self analysis part of it. However, yea, you are using your ex to network for other possibilities and he smells it all over you. You've sucked him rather dry so he has to put up a self preservation wall with you. It's only natural.

 

To be honest my romantic interest in men has reached a low point. I want friends, badly.

 

My advice would be to take some time away from the romantic and guys and make a conscious effort to formulate some friendships. You might find some strengths and lift your self esteem in the process. If I read a thread about you stealing some girls boyfriend though I will be so disappointed. Don't be like that.

 

How will you define youself?

  • Author
Posted
That is really no excuse. I understand the self analysis part of it. However, yea, you are using your ex to network for other possibilities and he smells it all over you.

 

Gah, that's really not it. I swear. Network for friends, maybe. Network for lovers, no.

 

I also enjoy the cuddling, physical affection and all that good stuff. Too bad it comes with a huge price.

Posted
So that changes for a lot of men later in life? I thought by 25 most guys were ready for LTRs.

Ready, willing and capable are three of the things that prevent enough younger men from being able to get involved in something viably long-term.

Posted

 

 

 

Do you find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable people or have you ever gone through a phase of being?

 

I actually have always considered my self to be emotional available aince 21 or so when I started to date . I try to open up to guys and yet i always feel like they are going to hurt me in the end, so why get emotionally involved. I think a lot of your statements are true. and some that I can relate to.

 

I have found myself being practically a bitch to guys and making it extremely hard to get to know me, and once I feel like I want to open up to them Ill share a small piece of deep information about me, and I guess almost reward them if you will for making small progress.

 

What were your relationship experiences with them?

Ive dated someone who was emotional unavailable and it was a roller coaster. on one hand it was hard because it was hard to figure him out, but on the other hand it was great because it was almost like a challenge.

 

To this day I have picked up his bad habits. In mostly all dating situations, I always think "what would Carl do" and then I would act on it. hmm .. I know he never involved him emotions so Im going to do the same thing. I guess I can of like guys telling me that t hey can never figure me out, and I always secretly thank Carl.. even though thats not a good thing ... wierd!

Posted
on the other hand it was great because it was almost like a challenge.

 

That's most of it. The other bit is pinning your self-worth to a wrongly diagnosed super-judge because you misread his detachment as strength, superiority and hidden depth when it's actually autism and weakness. But chicks dig psychos, I should know.

Posted

Shadow, you know that my ex was emotionally unavailable, big time. Your opening post described him to a tee. He is not someone who is circumstantially unavailable, as some people are for awhile after a bad experience. He was either born that way or had some kind of traumatic experience as a young person, because from college on he has been this way (he's 36 now). He cannot empathize with others and he has gotten so good at stuffing his feelings that I am not sure he even experiences strong feelings anymore. He's an emotional flatliner but I would get teeny tiny little moments, flashes of feeling (before he stuffed them down) that I imagined it was only a matter of time before he opened up to me. I had *no clue* how utterly wrong I was.

 

I've been working with a counselor for a long time now to unravel why I would be so attracted to someone like him. I'm making progress--much/most/all? is related to my family relationships-- and I know now that I need to run, big time, when I see similar signs in someone new. It was such a horrible experience to let myself love someone who couldn't love me back and therefore could betray me with hardly a second thought...that I'll never let myself go down a similar road again.

Posted
Hmm very interesting post. Yes I have dated men like this, in fact my last bf I jokingly called him the "ice man."

 

I called mine- A "robot".... and he was.

 

Do I want o date a robot? That's a resounding "NO".

Posted
That's most of it. The other bit is pinning your self-worth to a wrongly diagnosed super-judge because you misread his detachment as strength, superiority and hidden depth when it's actually autism and weakness.

 

Quoted for truth!

  • Author
Posted
That's most of it. The other bit is pinning your self-worth to a wrongly diagnosed super-judge because you misread his detachment as strength, superiority and hidden depth when it's actually autism and weakness. But chicks dig psychos, I should know.

 

Yes. It's easier sometimes to trust the judgment of one who is super critical. "They're telling the truth, and everyone else is lying or stupid."

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