Constantly thinking about your ex after several months is not healthy

[Justmike101]

Depending on how long your breakup has been, if the thought of your ex has lingered for longer than you thought, you need to understand something. You probably already formed a habit of psychological torture.

 

I've been dumped 6 months ago in the most brutal way I can imagine. I was knocked out of life. (In all honesty, I was emotionally and psychologically scarred)

 

For 5 months I begged and pleaded. More I begged, harsher and colder she was. Only got into NC a little over a month ago. NC really does help. Ever since I stuck to NC I haven't broken it, and believe me when I say this, if you do not break NC you will heal. If you do break NC in hopes of reconciliation, you will burn. You don't believe me? Search the threads on breaking NC. Just based on statistics, how many of them were successful? Practically ZERO. Almost all of them were worse off with even worse state of self-esteem afterwards. Breaking NC before you completely heal to a point you don't even care to ever speak to them again is never a right way to reconcile; EVER.

 

Although I no longer obssess over her, the thoughts in the beginning of the break up - "how could she, what if, what did i do wrong, how could it have been avoided, why no closure...etc" creep up on a daily basis. I realize this is completely psychological and does not reflect reality. She is long gone, enjoying the company of another man. She is not thinking about me nor is she in pain. She made this very clear the last time I spoke to her.

 

When we do not recover or stay strong enough, we form a habit of psychological torture and fantasy. Your break up seems to have occured yesterday and the memories of it are totally fresh. This only applies to you. To your ex, it has been recorded in the book of past long time ago. Stop dreaming and hoping. Nothing could help you but you.

 

Discipline yourself to break the habit. Fight your weak desires to cling on to hope. Let it go. This is not healthy. Day by day, the longer you dwell in the past pain and break up, more it chips away at your personality, mental stability, and self-esteem. Stop focusing on your problems. Everyone's got one but it isn't until we begin to focus on other things in life that we find humor and balance. I am preaching to myself but I feel that I am at a point in my life just about to emerge myself out of the water, out of suffocation.

 

I will make a conscious effort everyday to capture every thoughts and depression that creeps up during the day and refuse to be consumed by it. I have grieved properly. I assessed enough. I know that nothing she says or does is going to convince me. She left me and I know the reason. She simply does not love me anymore. She did not stick through hard times when it came. She did not love me enough to understand where I was coming from. It's done and over. No more. Stop hurting now. You don't have to.

 

If you don't get what I am saying, then hold tight. Enlightenment will eventually come to you. Sometimes we gotta burn until it pusses out of you. At some point, you will find a glimmer of confidence to get sick and tired of being sad and depressed. What the F kind of a life is that to grieve over a person who is not even dead, but instead left you because they no longer love you, for months and months, completely paralyzed in fear and abandonment. They simply don't want to be with you anymore. This does not make you any less of a person. It means they don't want you. and THAT IS OK. Someday, you might be with someone and you may not want them anymore either. Don't take it personally, they weren't the right one for you. Meanwhile, hit the gym, get prettier, healthier, stronger, more handsome, whatever. Get back to work. Dust off your shirt and do your best. Go back to school, get those grades and go make a career. You loved your ex. She/he knows that. You know that. God knows that. You did ok, it just didn't work out. Cut them off. I don't mean just contact. Cut them off from your thoughts and emotions. You deserve to be happy again. Don't be a pitiful fool. Pick yourself up and get ready for a new passionate love in the future.

[lovelikeitneverhurt]

this is one of the best posts I have ever read. and it is so true.

thanks so much for writing this. It may never be ok again, or we may never heal properly, but I guess we have to learn to accept it and learn to live with it. I have spent the past couple of months trying to fight my destiny, with no success and I know that NC is the only way to let yourself go.

I think we all need to learn to let ourselves go. We need to give ourselves a break and learn to accept that maybe we have tried our best and not blame ourselves in any way.

 

[IcemanJB]

Hell yeah, awesome post! I love rallying cries like these, lol. I'm at almost 4 months since the breakup, and 2.5 months of NC. Even though I honestly thought I'd be over her by now, that really is besides the point. Although I'm not completely healed, I'm at the point where I'm starting to see that I would be a fool to ever let her back into my life. I think it's realizations like THAT that help us move on.

 

Hang in there!

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I will make a conscious effort everyday to capture every thoughts and depression that creeps up during the day and refuse to be consumed by it. I have grieved properly. I assessed enough. I know that nothing she says or does is going to convince me. She left me and I know the reason. She simply does not love me anymore. She did not stick through hard times when it came. She did not love me enough to understand where I was coming from. It's done and over. No more. Stop hurting now. You don't have to.

 

 

This whole post really resonated with me. Everything about this post is true and applies to anyone and everyone who visits and contributes on this forum. However, the above quote is REALLY powerful in that it really should be our daily affirmation when we go through our really tough times. It really is a tough process, but getting the finish line is all worth it, as we do ultimately become a stronger and better person that our exes should never have the privilege of having in their lives.

[dead-dyke]

This is a good post, but realize something. You have come to your realization. But telling that to someone that hasn't, is like telling an anorexic person they are not even close to being fat. It won't register until they wake up for themselves. But, you did at least say this much - "Sometimes we gotta burn until it pusses out of you." That is the truest statement.

[Justmike101]

This is a good post, but realize something. You have come to your realization. But telling that to someone that hasn't, is like telling an anorexic person they are not even close to being fat. It won't register until they wake up for themselves. But, you did at least say this much - "Sometimes we gotta burn until it pusses out of you." That is the truest statement.

 

Agreed. I didn't go NC and broke it a few times. I had to get burned to learn.

[lonelyindistance]

Thanks for this powerful post. I've been struggling for half a year with being dumped, and sometimes I see glimmers of hope and sometimes they're distinguished.

 

These are wise words. So thanks.

 

You made it outta there after all. and I hope we all do.

[chacha7]

This post was great and everyone going through a breakup should read it, but it is so true, sometimes if you have to get burned until it pusses out of you. That's how it was with me. It's been five months of begging and pleading and giving in to every thing he ever wanted, and nothing. Finally I realized, I am the one who is lucky and moving forward, because I know what I want and what makes me happy, and I know that I am capable of love and commitment, and he is the one who is stuck because he does and is not. He thinks he's happy, but karma will have its way with him in the future. It's not like its easy still, but sometimes when I'm feeling especially lost, I come on LS and read something like this and I get stronger. I realize other people have hearts like me, and it is especially nice to read the things that guys feel, because it restores my faith that guys can fall in love and commit to someone. Good luck to everyone!

[cabarc1]

Well i will tell you when it's hard to move on and let go of hope........In my case, my ex bf (who i dated for 5 years)still doesn't "rule us out". He has been dating another girl for 6 months now and still has my stuff.

 

I know some people keeps their ex's stuff but he has it out in the open, like teddy bears, other gifts, and pictures of us that are framed...they are face down, not put away. As if one day he decides "omg i made a mistake" he will just flip them back up or something. He says he doesn't want to get rid of it since he doesn't rule us out.

 

I still have a key to get into the house, it's in both our names but i told him to keep it since he paid every cent on it. I just told him she wasn't ever allowed there because it's my old house i grew up in, that i helped build!!!! It's just something i can't accept. He understands me.

 

Point is, it's been almost 6 weeks NC... it's been done before but HE broke it. It's so unbelievably hard to move on and let go of hope because of him not completely shutting the door. It would have been a tad bit easier to move on and not prolong the pain if he just would have flat out ended it.

[Justmike101]

Well i will tell you when it's hard to move on and let go of hope........In my case, my ex bf (who i dated for 5 years)still doesn't "rule us out". He has been dating another girl for 6 months now and still has my stuff.

 

I know some people keeps their ex's stuff but he has it out in the open, like teddy bears, other gifts, and pictures of us that are framed...they are face down, not put away. As if one day he decides "omg i made a mistake" he will just flip them back up or something. He says he doesn't want to get rid of it since he doesn't rule us out.

 

I still have a key to get into the house, it's in both our names but i told him to keep it since he paid every cent on it. I just told him she wasn't ever allowed there because it's my old house i grew up in, that i helped build!!!! It's just something i can't accept. He understands me.

 

Point is, it's been almost 6 weeks NC... it's been done before but HE broke it. It's so unbelievably hard to move on and let go of hope because of him not completely shutting the door. It would have been a tad bit easier to move on and not prolong the pain if he just would have flat out ended it.

 

Don't take a second class treatment. What are you a backup toothbrush? That's not cool, he's trying to keep both. Something a coward and selfish person would do. Cut it off and change ur number. You will feel better shortly.

[EmperorR]

Hmm it's been like 5 months and I still think about my ex but its not destructive or anything to me, it's just oh damn i was cheated on and would have got married this year, shrugs and then I get on with my day.

[dudemag]

this post strikes every chord in my fragile heart. but i'm weak, ive tried the NC thing but i just cant seem to keep my head high enough to go through with it. my girlfriend of 2 years left me over christmas/new years for another guy. she left me stranded in the rain, not so much as a phone call or a text message to add closure. just shut me out. begging and pleading with her got me no where. she obviously has other interests in mind and it clearly isnt me anymore. i just dont get how someone who loved you can hurt you in such a horrible way as she did me... i acted like a fool this past month and said some really mean things to her which i regret.. but at the same time i just want to scream in her face how bad a person she has become... but this post adds hope thanks a lot man. i really needed this.

[Justmike101]

Keep up the NC people. Don't let some people who don't care about you take control over your life.

[sedgwick]

I was dumped 18.5 months ago (after a 10 month relationship) and I still have nightmares every night about him finding someone else. I feel like I'm some shellshocked kicked animal with PTSD. I haven't even found anyone attractive since him. He dumped me for the dumbest reason ever -- I wasn't an old-time fiddle player, and that's what he wanted his gf to be, so he went off to find her, whoever she is. And what have I done this last year and a half? Beaten the holy living sh*t out of myself for not playing the fiddle. I haven't had sex or even kissed anyone since the day he left, and I can't imagine ever doing so again. I am a shell of the person I was before I met him. Now I am just this endlessly-grieving thing. He changed me. Trust and love are things of the past.