artbrat Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Hello everyone My story may not be that unusual as I hear more about similar relationships. I'm involved with a gay guy living a duel life. One with me. The other is a fronted "straight" life. We've been together 8 years. He's afraid to take the leap but swears someday it will happen. His life at home is pathetic. No physical relationship with the wife for years. She has a lot of issues. In the past, she emotional battered this man. He used to make every attempt to "fix" things to please her angry outbursts. Now, he doesn't engage in her attempts to argue or belittle him. He simply doesn't care. There are no children. This straight role is based on fear, intolerance. But my friends know he's my partner, they met him, etc. He's "coming out" slowly and finally realizing most people could care less. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. Our commitment is strong, open and emotional. He's good to me, although I take care of myself very well financially. In the past, we tentatively set timelines to begin the process of a life as a "real" couple. Those milestone dates came and went. I was disappointed and angry but stuck it out. We see each other every day, mainly before work and sometimes after. My home is his too. The physical part is incredible and often as every day. We take time off from work. It's filled with romance and fun. When the day ends, we do our separate things. We've had our ups and downs yet become stronger with every "down". He's emotionally giving and loves the way I make him feel special and cared for. I can go on and on about how right he is. But the hours turn to days, weeks, months then years. I wait. I'm frustrated and lonely when he's not with me. I had chances to date other dudes but nobody compares and understands me like he does. I know he loves me. I can see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. Am I fooling myself for thinking he will leave his wife someday? He has plans in place but is terrified of the process:confused:. He doesn't want to seek counseling right now although I strongly encourage him. I hear the "I can handle it" and "home is not great but it's familiar" line all the time. I understand his anxiety. I too left a straight marriage to live the self truth I denied for years. It's a struggle coming to terms with one's sexuality, let alone walk away from a life of lies. I'm here to support him emotionally. He's supportive of my personal healing from childhood abuse and all the issues I have. But he's afraid to take care of his own. I feel guilt being the "other woman" for lack of a better term. My core values do not condone this behavior. But my heart and mind justify it as being different. Can I help him? I see him slowly unravel and don't want him to implode. I love him. Advice? Comments? Thank you and peace.
sadintexas Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Former OW here. This is going to be very to the point, so please don't take it the wrong way. There are no children, they have a loveless marriage, he's been with you 8 years. Exactly what is his issue about leaving? I HATE to even say this because I don't believe it's true in all cases, but are you sure it's a loveless, sexless marriage? Are you sure her emotional abuse is really emotional abuse? The only reason I ask this is because I can't for the life of me see why he's keeping this marriage intact. He's robbing himself and his wife of a true life. It doesn't make sense to me. The marriage is a total farce based on this information. I'm not trying to make light of the issues that go along with "coming out" and all that, but 8 years? 8 years of keeping her on the hook when he knows he wants something else? 8 years of a facade? That's not fair to anyone and it comes across to me as extremely selfish. I get that some time would be needed but he's pushing this beyond the extreme for me. And on the flip side of that coin, he's left you without a commitment for 8 years. You've invested 8 years of your life into this (not without reward and fulfillment I understand but STILL). I usually try to be more eloquent than this, but it's late and I have a cold so I'm a little cranky It's time for him to $*it or get off the pot. There, I'm from the south. I can say that if I wanna. ETA: I realized I didn't give you any advice, only opinions that you probably didn't want to hear. My advice to you is to tell him to $*it or get off the pot! Unless you want to still be holding his hand while he figures this out without counseling for the next 8 years, YOU need to do something to make a change. The most effective thing you can do is give him a choice and be prepared to walk away.
Geishawhelk Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 I think you might also like to consider a discussion where if he won't tell his wife - you will. Because you are fed up with being side-lined, hidden, and made to feel like some sordid secret. Possibly?
Billie63 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Sadintexas is right. I understand that his process of coming out is down to him and yes it may take time and he should do it as his own pace. His coming out doesn't have anything to do with him leaving his wife. He can leave her, live on his own for a while and then come out when he's ready. If she's a front for his sexuality then he's a disgrace. She has the right to go on and meet someone else. Yes I bet she's been an emotional bully to him - the guy is gay and she may not know that but his rejection of her would be palpable. I'm surprised she's still clinging on as well. Why do you think she's emotionally battered him? Because he's not been honest but you can bet his sexuality has affected the way he's treated her.
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 If he hasn't come out of the closet to his own wife, family and friends, you don't have a right to tell his wife. It's WRONG of him to be living a double life, he owes his wife the truth so she can find love as well. Right now, he's got you and his wife, so why should he give one of you up? If he were that miserable he would have left already..Actions speak louder than words..
InvisibleGirl Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 You think your story is a little strange? I am or I was the OW to a MM who is masquerading as a straight man. Men that pretend to be staight and arent and use women like that are monsters. How can you say his wife has a lot of issues? How can she not? She is probably wondering what is wrong with her and I'm sure that knowing that she is married to a gay man would certainly answer a lot of questions...
InvisibleGirl Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 How long has this man been married? Essentially every single day of his he is living a lie, this is a person that is used to lying, its part of who they are and all they know. A Technique they have adapted to hide who they really are. He lies every day to a woman he asked to marry him and lives with. You think something is going to change who he is and make him capable of telling the truth to you? She believed it when he told her he loved her and wanted to marry her and you believe it when he tells you one day he will do right by you and come out of the closet. That is a man that is not capable of telling the truth to anyone. I recognize some of things that you are saying that he says about the wife as textbook projection. He is saying she has issues, she emotionally battered him and he tried to fix things. Those are all things that he has done to her. Pretending to be something you are not and robbing someone else of a life that is real is extreme abuse. Your friend should be locked up in a cage like an animal.
Holding-On Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 He needs to see a counsellor. Have you actually seen him interact with his wife??? I agree with many of the posters on here. If he married her and then doesn't have sex with her, that has got to hurt. It would make most women (or men) pretty squirrelly. So, as I see it, at least two possible situations exist: He is using his wife solely as an unknowing beard, preventing her from having children and a happy life and is one of the most cowardly forms of scum on the planet. He actually loves/likes his wife, is bonded with her and occasionally has sex with her and is a cake eater. He likes a situation where he can enjoy both of you - which is what he has right now - which is why he continues to live the way he does.
Author artbrat Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Thank you all for your frank and honest feedback. To answer some questions from the posts: Details about my GMM's W: Yes, I do know her. I spent time with both of them way back before he and I got involved. She got jealous and made him sever our friendship. Ironically - we became involved after that. She was miserable and angry about her life in general thus controlled his by keeping him a prisoner. She had to "approve" of anything he did. She kept close watch on time he spent away from her and gave him the third degree if he was a minute late. She's well educated but decided on her own to quit her job a long time ago. To sit at home. She has a weight problem and not motivated to do much. It was her choice to NOT to have children. Now, he feels responsible for supporting her. He still cares because, after all, he is a human being with a soul. He's not perfect nor are any of us. There are some of us who choose to stay in a bad situation because it's familiar and predictable. I stayed with my former wife way too long for the same reason. Did you ever hear about abused women staying with the abuser husband? No I will not inform his wife about us. What sense does that make? Now I have to look deep inside to figure out if this is all worth it. Sounds like a resounding NO from the replies. At the same time, I'm in love with him. Just today, he spent the morning helping me run errands because I was not feeling well. I have MS. He accepts and loves me plus that burden too. How many guys would stick around for that? I can tell you from experience. Zero. Except him. So, do I take some time to ponder this or kick him to the curb?
Author artbrat Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Just to clarify one more thing. My GMM would make attempts to have intimate relations with his W, but she wasn't too willing. When she wanted sex, she would guilt him into complying. And everything I said about the W and her emotional battering, I witnessed first hand. This is not hear say, or the textbook excuse we all hear so much about. I'm not defending my MM actions or motivations, however not all A's are lumped into a typical neat and tidy package. I appreciate everyone's honesty. Your comments make me think - for the good of me. Thank you. ~peace and love.
InvisibleGirl Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Just remember everything you are hearing about the state of things between them and how she is you are hearing from him and yet he still chooses to hide in her closet. Its been 8 years and he isnt coming out... It is unspeakably cruel for people to play games and waste other peoples lives like that. Even if he doesnt come out he needs to let that woman go. It bothers me to read you seem to imply that this woman is abusing him and not the other way around. He used her from the beginning to try to fit in with society and look normal while running around with men behind her back exposing her to all sorts of diseases and then going home to her like it was a real marriage. If that isnt abuse I don't know what is... Like I said I was involved with someone like this, i know but his wife still does not and its something I have to live with on my conscience knowing that every day they are together it is another day that he uses her as a cover to look like a nice family man and she gets to wonder and think that there is something wrong with her because he has made her feel that way as he did to me... Your friend has some serious issues...
SierraRose Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 IMO, I think he needs to divide and conquer. Divorce is not an easy thing, nor is coming out. My suggestion is for him to start divorce proceedings. Hopefully, because there aren't any children they could agree on a settlement and have a non contested divorce. In the process, i would definitely recommend counseling. Once he is M is finalized then he can address the lifestyle change. My best friends dad, decided to do something very similar. He had the wife, kids, house, picket fence. They eventually divorced. He dated women on and off and finally came out 10 years ago. I was like a second daughter to him. My best friend was petrified to tell me, she was so afraid how I would react. My reaction? I said, I've always loved your dad for the person he is, and all I care about is that he is healthy and happy. So, a month later I was her only friend invited to her father's 50Th birthday party! I saw him, I hugged him and told him I loved him. I met his new circle of friends, including the man he was seeing at the time. Then after a few tears of joy, we partied are a$$es off!
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 do I take some time to ponder this or kick him to the curb? Bottomline is this. He is STILL married and he's chosen to stay married for whatever reason(s). Yes, you have seen parts of their life together, but remember too, this man is LYING and DECEIVING his wife right now. He's more than likely gaslighting her, she probably has asked him what is up with you two and he's totally downplayed it, making it seem like she's crazy to think he'd have an affair with man. Don't fool yourself into believing that this is ALL her..HE has a huge part in how things are at home. He isn't going to tell you the good stuff, or that they've had sex etc.. why would he when he knows it'll hurt you? Sorry to hear you have MS, I hope you're hanging in. Don't rely on him as much. You need your closest friends around and family as well..He can be there for you, but when the chips are down and he needs to choose between you and his wife, he may choose her, especially if there's things going on if she needs him at the same time. He needs counselling to figure out his life. He's living a big lie - To his wife, family, friends, inlaw's..All of them.. Push him to seek therapy and also for your own sanity, back off of him. He needs to choose soon otherwise you'll be the OM and he'll stay married for another bunch of years.
Author artbrat Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Thank you all again. I've come to realize that reading the posts here is painfully true. He is living under the disguise of a straight man, possibly using me for whatever needs he can't get fulfilled elsewhere. Using her for a front. This situation must be bothering me enough to share it on a public forum, as I would never consider airing my dirty laundry. I can survive without him. I have close friends and siblings and a decent career. The MS is what I consider a bump in he road. It's a mild form but when an attack hits... it hits hard. I have some deep soul searching to do here. The love is spectacular but at what price to me? I always thought there was a degree of co-dependency with he and I. It's time to face the ugly truth and have a come to Jesus talk with him. Simply put, decide or get on out of here. I promise to keep you all up to date. Thanks for the smack of truth, no matter how much I didn't want to hear it. ~peace and love
blueintheface Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Obviously his duplicity towards his wife is wrong so i wontget into that. His wife's emotional abuse though i think does impact on his ability to pull away but it's still not a great excuse. Sometimes you have to man up & do the hard thing to reap the rewards. he might be one ofthose guys who need an ultimatum. Counselling would also be a great idea. I seriously hope he grows some balls soon because you deserve commitment and honesty.
TOWinNYC Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 The love is spectacular but at what price to me? AB, I saw a quote once that I'd like to share with you. "There's no such thing as a happy ending when you're in love, because true love will never end. Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale. Don't be afraid to live it." It won't be easy but good luck and best wishes when it comes to figuring this out.
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