punkygirl Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Hi all...I found this site last weekend but just got the courage to post, so be gentle. Ok My story. I am been with my husband for 11 years now. Ever since I was 17. We got married young (i was 20 he was 27 and we had a son) and about 1.5 into the marriage, he had an affair with my best friend. Needless to say I was/am shattered. We somehow picked up the pieces and moved on. Had another child and everything was great...or so I thought. He started to go to horror conventions. I supported 100% in these. He loves that industry and I want to encourage his passions. Well everythign has been fine with them but the last one in Aug, he met someone. A single girl who shares all of his intrests, is younger then me and in better shape, and she has nothing tying her down. Nothing physical happened. But they started talking on the phone...just as friends. But what started out as once a week turned into everyother day with calls and texts. He would sneak out to call her and lie to me about. Right before xmas i guess she told him she wanted more then just friends and he realized what was going on and cut off all contact. He told me what happened only after i foud out he bought her a xmas present. He claimed that I have single guys friend and that was all she was and he stopped talking to her once he realized she had feelings for him...well after about two weeks i finally find out how much they were talking, which at this point he is still lying to me about. I freak out because fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I wasnt going to let him cheat on me again. He claims they didnt talk about anythign he wouldnt say in front of me but my problem is the lying and sneaking around...that is wrong. Well I told him to make this work he cant go to these horror conventions untill i could trust him again. The thing is I dont want him to go. Yes trust is an issue but so is punishment and the main reason is I need him to pick me over this. I need him to pick his family. I need to see he is committed to this even if it means sacfricing...am I wrong to want this? Am I being unfair? Sorry if this is all over the place I just dont knwo waht to do... thanks
Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 I don't think you're wrong to make that request, at all. He's in the wrong here. Until you've rebuilt the trust that's been lost, he needs to do whatever he can to not add to your insecurities...and that includes going to these conventions where she will be.
imagine Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Advertise his and g/f activities all over the place. If you want to contact the g/f and update his activities. Do it. He sounds like a serial adulterer. Do not accept this. Shake him good or drop him.
Author punkygirl Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 He claims since nothing happened phyiscally it is not the same...i said you lied so trust is gone. I know I have had questionable male friends who the second i figured out they wanted more then just a friendship with me i dropped them and never told my hubby about it...isnt that just as bad?
imagine Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 If those relationships were private, secretive from H, then yes. All secrets should be revealed to ones spouse. Marriage is about communion. He should be your best friend and you his. Before a crime list is drawn up, make sure that each of you will handle the info in a good place.
Geishawhelk Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 .....about 1.5 into the marriage, he had an affair with my best friend. Needless to say I was/am shattered. We somehow picked up the pieces and moved on. ...... There's the red flag. Right there. see it? No...? Ok. Read it again. I was/am shattered We somehow picked up the pieces - BUT haven't moved on. You are still not over the first indiscretion, and I don't think you ever got over it. In an effort to prove to him and to yourself you trusted him, you gave him the liberty to branch out and be independnt of you, with regard to interests outside the family unit. And guess what? "infidelity" reared its ugly head again. Now, he seemd quick to stomp on this girl's interest when she declared she wantwed something more. TBH, I think if he hadn't picked this up immeidately, he was either incredibly dense and thick, or he deliberately ignored the danger signals because actually, it was pleasant and flattering to have the attentions of a young girl, who has similar interests to boot..... I need him to pick his family. I need to see he is committed to this even if it means sacfricing...am I wrong to want this? Am I being unfair? Sorry if this is all over the place I just dont knwo waht to do... thanks You insist on marriage counselling. This trust issue has been shoved and buried right into the bottom of the dirty laundry pile and now you have to deal with it, because it's back up at the surface. Inspite of all your resolve and good intentions, you've never really completely trusted him, and now - here's the clincher. he may not ever have been physically unfaithful to you, but he crossed the line. MC is something that will give you both the opportunity to face your fears, doubts, insecurities and issue - head on. I think this is your next step. And he'd better see the plate, and step up to it.
Author punkygirl Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 There's the red flag. Right there. see it? No...? Ok. Read it again. We somehow picked up the pieces - BUT haven't moved on. You are still not over the first indiscretion, and I don't think you ever got over it. In an effort to prove to him and to yourself you trusted him, you gave him the liberty to branch out and be independnt of you, with regard to interests outside the family unit. And guess what? "infidelity" reared its ugly head again. Now, he seemd quick to stomp on this girl's interest when she declared she wantwed something more. TBH, I think if he hadn't picked this up immeidately, he was either incredibly dense and thick, or he deliberately ignored the danger signals because actually, it was pleasant and flattering to have the attentions of a young girl, who has similar interests to boot..... You insist on marriage counselling. This trust issue has been shoved and buried right into the bottom of the dirty laundry pile and now you have to deal with it, because it's back up at the surface. Inspite of all your resolve and good intentions, you've never really completely trusted him, and now - here's the clincher. he may not ever have been physically unfaithful to you, but he crossed the line. MC is something that will give you both the opportunity to face your fears, doubts, insecurities and issue - head on. I think this is your next step. And he'd better see the plate, and step up to it. wow...after reading your post it hit me like a ton a bricks...your right. If I was truly over what happened before and gave him my FULL trust then we wouldnt be back here. thank you...
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 wow...after reading your post it hit me like a ton a bricks...your right. If I was truly over what happened before and gave him my FULL trust then we wouldnt be back here. thank you... Why are you blaming yourself? You gave him your full trust and took advantage of it. He should have known keeping a friendship with another woman secret from you was the WRONG thing for him to do. He is acting all innocent about it, but he KNEW you wouldn't approve so he kept it to himself, until you found out about the xmas present, he slowly came clean.. He is broken inside, not you. HE is the one who has betrayed again..Even if nothing physical happened, he strayed emotionally. If she was a friend, why not introduce you to her so she could be your friend too? I'll tell you why he didn't, because he liked the attention she gave him, an ego boost. Please don't blame yourself, you've done nothing wrong. Your husband betrayed you in the worst way - With your bestfriend. That's double betrayal! It's bad enough that he cheated, but with your bestfriend? Shame on him and on her!
infophreak Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 You are seven years younger than him and this new girl is younger than you? He shouldn't even be talking to this girl without her parents attending. I'd suggest having him seek help.
rach1122 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 It is definitely not right that he was sneaking around to make these phone calls. If he has nothing to hide from you then he should be able to talk with this person in front of you. My ex bf did this to me towards the end of our relationship. He would say that he was going outside with our 3 dogs and I believed him at first. He would go out there after 9 at night. He was doing this every night. So I went out there one night and he was on his cell phone. As soon as he saw me he hung up the phone. He made up some stupid story about the whole thing. Turns out he was cheating on me for about 3 months. So I ended the relationship. I would be concerned. I don't think you wants and demands are too much to ask. You and your kids deserve his 100% commitment.
Recommended Posts