Alan430 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Hi, Well a few weeks ago my wife told me she didnt love me and she wanted a divorce. It has been quite a ride since then. We have been together for about 10 years and married for about 7. I am 7 Years older then she and she was 19 when we got married. We also have a 5 year old son together which we both love dearly. its started out as she wanted nothing to do with as if she was annoyed by me. She claims she didnt think i loved her because i was not affectionit enough with her. And this is totally true. I look back and realize i was a horrible husband in that aspect. During the last few weeks in my soul searching i realize why. She is kinda lazy. Ok she is very lazy. I am a good provider and always held down a job even after being laid off i quickly recoved. She has not worked, and worked part time over the years. I started to build resent for her after our son was born. I didnt want him raised in a filthy house. No matter what i said she would always agree that she needs to work on it, but it would never get done. So i eventually just did the house work. She has been working part time for the last year she has only been responsible for making sure that dinner was made for our son, however alot of times it would be 7:30 before she had something for him to eat, and he would be complaining he was hungry. So i started to do everything from taking care of the house and yard to cleaning cooking and washing dishes, as well as took care of my son every weekend (her job required her to work on weekends) and at least half weekdays. Everyday she would come home and toss her shoes and socks in the middle of the freshly cleaned floor and go to sleep on the couch till i would wake her asking if she was going to take care of dinner for our son because he is hungry. This caused me to not want to show her affection, which ultimatly resulting in her wanting seperation and divorce is looming . So she moves out and get her own apartment last night. I was planing to help her move out and be supportive, but she tells me she has friends helping her. Then she instant messages me at work and tells me she is already moved out they did it while i was at work. This was a slap in the face to me as i thought it would be a time to bond. I have read somewhere it is best to just give her the space and try to move on, no matter if you want her back or not. Set it free if it comes back then its meant to be kinda thing. So i have been trying to do just that. Orginally i think i made her feel guilty and she agreed to try and work it out but after a few days i realize her heart wasnt in it so i told her to go ahead and go. She says she wants to be friends at least for the sake of our child and doing 50-50 custody. Tonight day after move out- she wants to take our son to see her new place and wants me to go also, i told her no that i didnt think i would be going there and really didnt want to see it. She said she worked hard getting it all setup so we could see it. By the way i just bought her a house 7 moths ago and like 30k of furniture. btw Im stuck in the house cause she cannot make the payments and she took all the furniture that was in pristine condidition. So she kinda acts a little off. So when she comes over she is acting odd but i was too, it was a little uncomfortable for both us i guess, but we both played it off since my son was there. But she insistly hugs me before she leaves, for the last few times i have seen her. I do not stand there like deer in the head lights , she actually has to come to me and do this. I guess im just not thinking very cleary these days and it feels like mixed signals. Oh she did tell me a few days before she moved it maybe a temp thing which has got me all confused. I told her it maybe not temp for me, since i was in real bad shape at the time at very angry. Anyone been through this before and could shed some light. I shouldnt really care but there is small spark i am hopping that she is having mixed feelings. It is so hard to continue like this friendship thing, but i must for my son. I just dont know what to think anymore. I want to not talk to her at all for a while but i just cannot do that because of our child. HELP!! And sorry for the paper back, i have been holding this in for a few weeks and need to release.
Mountains10 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Hi, Well a few weeks ago my wife told me she didnt love me and she wanted a divorce. It has been quite a ride since then. We have been together for about 10 years and married for about 7. I am 7 Years older then she and she was 19 when we got married. We also have a 5 year old son together which we both love dearly. its started out as she wanted nothing to do with as if she was annoyed by me. She claims she didnt think i loved her because i was not affectionit enough with her. And this is totally true. I look back and realize i was a horrible husband in that aspect. During the last few weeks in my soul searching i realize why. She is kinda lazy. Ok she is very lazy. I am a good provider and always held down a job even after being laid off i quickly recoved. She has not worked, and worked part time over the years. I started to build resent for her after our son was born. I didnt want him raised in a filthy house. No matter what i said she would always agree that she needs to work on it, but it would never get done. So i eventually just did the house work. She has been working part time for the last year she has only been responsible for making sure that dinner was made for our son, however alot of times it would be 7:30 before she had something for him to eat, and he would be complaining he was hungry. So i started to do everything from taking care of the house and yard to cleaning cooking and washing dishes, as well as took care of my son every weekend (her job required her to work on weekends) and at least half weekdays. Everyday she would come home and toss her shoes and socks in the middle of the freshly cleaned floor and go to sleep on the couch till i would wake her asking if she was going to take care of dinner for our son because he is hungry. This caused me to not want to show her affection, which ultimatly resulting in her wanting seperation and divorce is looming . So she moves out and get her own apartment last night. I was planing to help her move out and be supportive, but she tells me she has friends helping her. Then she instant messages me at work and tells me she is already moved out they did it while i was at work. This was a slap in the face to me as i thought it would be a time to bond. I have read somewhere it is best to just give her the space and try to move on, no matter if you want her back or not. Set it free if it comes back then its meant to be kinda thing. So i have been trying to do just that. Orginally i think i made her feel guilty and she agreed to try and work it out but after a few days i realize her heart wasnt in it so i told her to go ahead and go. She says she wants to be friends at least for the sake of our child and doing 50-50 custody. Tonight day after move out- she wants to take our son to see her new place and wants me to go also, i told her no that i didnt think i would be going there and really didnt want to see it. She said she worked hard getting it all setup so we could see it. By the way i just bought her a house 7 moths ago and like 30k of furniture. btw Im stuck in the house cause she cannot make the payments and she took all the furniture that was in pristine condidition. So she kinda acts a little off. So when she comes over she is acting odd but i was too, it was a little uncomfortable for both us i guess, but we both played it off since my son was there. But she insistly hugs me before she leaves, for the last few times i have seen her. I do not stand there like deer in the head lights , she actually has to come to me and do this. I guess im just not thinking very cleary these days and it feels like mixed signals. Oh she did tell me a few days before she moved it maybe a temp thing which has got me all confused. I told her it maybe not temp for me, since i was in real bad shape at the time at very angry. Anyone been through this before and could shed some light. I shouldnt really care but there is small spark i am hopping that she is having mixed feelings. It is so hard to continue like this friendship thing, but i must for my son. I just dont know what to think anymore. I want to not talk to her at all for a while but i just cannot do that because of our child. HELP!! And sorry for the paper back, i have been holding this in for a few weeks and need to release. Hey Alan, Welcome to LS. Your story is about the same as all of ours, for the most part. Take care of yourself and your child. Make sure to protect yourself financially. You have to start thinking about you now. That temp. moving out stuff is BS. That's a lie. She won't be coming back and if she does, I'd be seriously shocked. Mine said the same thing and it's been 2 months ago she moved out. Don't pay for her to live anywhere either. She's probably cheating on you as well and if you don't think she's the type, think again. I said the same thing as did most of us. Hang in there and wait for some of the pros here to speak up, take their advice. Stick around and keep us updated. M10
Author Alan430 Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 Hey Mountains thanks, I just re-read my initial post and realized it didnt make sense at some parts. I think the lack of sleep combined with my emotions is effecting my ability to write ledgable. I guess what i have to get used is seeing her, and Yes im comming to accept that she is probably out whoring around and it hurts just thinking about it. She swore that she wasnt cheating and i have always trusted her. with her recently saying things to me like if she stayed in the marriage she doesnt think she could be committed and that she now notices other men. i cannot help but to believe there is some guy over there right now. Im so angry with her at this point that i do not think i would accept her back, but i want her to come begging me back just for the payback. I know this is an unhealthy way to feel and i am trying to get past it. But she wants to hug me when she leaves the few times i have seen her since she physicially moved out, and it just makes me boil. I dont want her feeling sorry for me, she has no right.... At this point i really dont know how to act around her, but writing my feeling down on this forum seems to help, Maybe just getting it off my chest. I could really use some advice on how to handle situation where im in contact with her. I do not want to come off that i am torn up about it but i dont want to come off rude because i will eventually want to be ok with her for our sons well being. He always comes first in my eyes. I also have a huge fear of dating and meeting women. Im in her city and have left my friends behind. I do not even know my way around that good, due to me depending on her to drive around just out of convience. im stuck here to be near my son. I have been comtemplating trying to date lightly just as friends just to have things to do. Right now i have just sat around, and things that used to be entertaining are no longer so. This website is great and i think its wonderful that it exists. This is the worse thing i have ever experienced and reading though other folks posts have made me understand alot and made me feel better. A big thanks to everyone for posting your painful experiences and offering advice.
Mountains10 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Hey Mountains thanks, I just re-read my initial post and realized it didnt make sense at some parts. I think the lack of sleep combined with my emotions is effecting my ability to write ledgable. I guess what i have to get used is seeing her, and Yes im comming to accept that she is probably out whoring around and it hurts just thinking about it. She swore that she wasnt cheating and i have always trusted her. with her recently saying things to me like if she stayed in the marriage she doesnt think she could be committed and that she now notices other men. i cannot help but to believe there is some guy over there right now. Im so angry with her at this point that i do not think i would accept her back, but i want her to come begging me back just for the payback. I know this is an unhealthy way to feel and i am trying to get past it. But she wants to hug me when she leaves the few times i have seen her since she physicially moved out, and it just makes me boil. I dont want her feeling sorry for me, she has no right.... At this point i really dont know how to act around her, but writing my feeling down on this forum seems to help, Maybe just getting it off my chest. I could really use some advice on how to handle situation where im in contact with her. I do not want to come off that i am torn up about it but i dont want to come off rude because i will eventually want to be ok with her for our sons well being. He always comes first in my eyes. I also have a huge fear of dating and meeting women. Im in her city and have left my friends behind. I do not even know my way around that good, due to me depending on her to drive around just out of convience. im stuck here to be near my son. I have been comtemplating trying to date lightly just as friends just to have things to do. Right now i have just sat around, and things that used to be entertaining are no longer so. This website is great and i think its wonderful that it exists. This is the worse thing i have ever experienced and reading though other folks posts have made me understand alot and made me feel better. A big thanks to everyone for posting your painful experiences and offering advice. Alan, No it makes perfect sense. Like I said, the playbook they all go by is almost the same, no need to have to explain further. If you read thru these threads on here, you'll see it's the same situation, but the names are different. Best thing you can do, is read this: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp . It's the betrayed spouse faq. It will help answer a lot of the questions and give you some guidance. You also should check out marriagebuilders.com and read on Plan A. Just know that you can't control her and make her do anything, so the best thing you can do is work on you and start that asap. I know it's hard not to let the emotions get in the way. Work on you, make yourself better and start worrying only about you. What she does is on her, and is no longer your problem. Some will tell you that no contact works well for them, it's really up to you. I will say this, take control of your finances asap. Don't pay for her to live away from you and don't pay for anything for her at this point. You don't want to enable her activities, if she is cheating (which she probably is). Visit this forum regularly and look for updates from the others that can help you, there are a lot of good people with a lot of experience on here. I'm still new so I'm not going to be your best source, as I'm still going thru it. I can give you some basic advice, based on my experience which is minimal.
Gunny376 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Hey Mountains thanks, I just re-read my initial post and realized it didnt make sense at some parts. I think the lack of sleep combined with my emotions is effecting my ability to write ledgable. I guess what i have to get used is seeing her, and Yes im comming to accept that she is probably out whoring around and it hurts just thinking about it. She swore that she wasnt cheating and i have always trusted her. with her recently saying things to me like if she stayed in the marriage she doesnt think she could be committed and that she now notices other men. i cannot help but to believe there is some guy over there right now. Im so angry with her at this point that i do not think i would accept her back, but i want her to come begging me back just for the payback. I know this is an unhealthy way to feel and i am trying to get past it. But she wants to hug me when she leaves the few times i have seen her since she physicially moved out, and it just makes me boil. I dont want her feeling sorry for me, she has no right.... At this point i really dont know how to act around her, but writing my feeling down on this forum seems to help, Maybe just getting it off my chest. I could really use some advice on how to handle situation where im in contact with her. I do not want to come off that i am torn up about it but i dont want to come off rude because i will eventually want to be ok with her for our sons well being. He always comes first in my eyes. I also have a huge fear of dating and meeting women. Im in her city and have left my friends behind. I do not even know my way around that good, due to me depending on her to drive around just out of convience. im stuck here to be near my son. I have been comtemplating trying to date lightly just as friends just to have things to do. Right now i have just sat around, and things that used to be entertaining are no longer so. This website is great and i think its wonderful that it exists. This is the worse thing i have ever experienced and reading though other folks posts have made me understand alot and made me feel better. A big thanks to everyone for posting your painful experiences and offering advice. WTF is YOUR major malfuntion! WTF is yourr problem? Oneittis! You've got in your deluxe brain-housing group that this one WOMAN has the only vagina in the world! When the world is covered up with only ABOUT three and a half BILLION of them! A women leaves you? All it means is you've got to go out and find another woman! Damn the bad luck!
Author Alan430 Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 WTF is YOUR major malfuntion! WTF is yourr problem? Oneittis! You've got in your deluxe brain-housing group that this one WOMAN has the only vagina in the world! When the world is covered up with only ABOUT three and a half BILLION of them! A women leaves you? All it means is you've got to go out and find another woman! Damn the bad luck! Hahah Thanks Gunny, I needed that kick in the face. I know and i am an deciently attractive guy, i dont understand my feeling to be honest. I guess the lack of friends is kinda scaring me a bit, and having my son every weekend , i do not know of alot that happens during the week plus my job is pretty demanding on time. Sounds like you have been though this, let me ask you one question, could you trust another women enough to marry again. Me and my stbx has always talked that no matter what, we will work though it. I know this is all still very fresh for me, but i can honestly say i think i have lost trust for all women. This whole thing happend in a matter of weeks and came from left field.
Author Alan430 Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 :oSTBX is comming to pick up my son and i have been comtemplating if i should ask her if she has been seeing anyone. I honestly do not want to know and since reading gunnys reply i have been trying to just force the thought of her with someone else in my mind. But it is driving me nuts. Should i just leave it be at this point and just assume that is exactly what is happening.
Mountains10 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 :oSTBX is comming to pick up my son and i have been comtemplating if i should ask her if she has been seeing anyone. I honestly do not want to know and since reading gunnys reply i have been trying to just force the thought of her with someone else in my mind. But it is driving me nuts. Should i just leave it be at this point and just assume that is exactly what is happening. I wouldn't bother asking, it's not like she's going to admit it. The best way to find out is to do your own investigative work. Don't know if you have access to her cell phone records or anything. Most of the time I would imagine they deny it, mine did, until I put pressure on her and she finally admitted.
Author Alan430 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 I wouldn't bother asking, it's not like she's going to admit it. The best way to find out is to do your own investigative work. Don't know if you have access to her cell phone records or anything. Most of the time I would imagine they deny it, mine did, until I put pressure on her and she finally admitted. Yah i did mountain, and that is got me all worked up, a guy "Friend" from her work, number is all over that damn bill. hes married with 7 kids go figure. I did ask her and she still claims no but i also again asked her about us, Which i know i shouldnt have, but i wanted to give it one last chance before i pushed her out of my mind. I actually felt good, like i had some kinda closure. We both planed to remain friends and stay in contact for our kid, and we even talked about doing things together for our kid, and i can honestly say i feel like i can now. I can tell she is still lost but she seemed pretty sure she didnt want to be with me. And reading over these forums i realized one thing, she wasnt my soul mate, and i do not know if i could have went though life without building resentment toward her again. It would take her changing in order for that to happen and i dont she will ever will. So tonight and hopefully going forward i feel like i can move ahead. Finally after a painful month of complete agony i am starting to feel it isnt that bad, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have an urge to go out and meet people and just have fun, is this normal? I should probably wait or do you think going out to just have a good time and meeting people is ok.. I am not ready for anything serious.
Mountains10 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Yah i did mountain, and that is got me all worked up, a guy "Friend" from her work, number is all over that damn bill. hes married with 7 kids go figure. I did ask her and she still claims no but i also again asked her about us, Which i know i shouldnt have, but i wanted to give it one last chance before i pushed her out of my mind. I actually felt good, like i had some kinda closure. We both planed to remain friends and stay in contact for our kid, and we even talked about doing things together for our kid, and i can honestly say i feel like i can now. I can tell she is still lost but she seemed pretty sure she didnt want to be with me. And reading over these forums i realized one thing, she wasnt my soul mate, and i do not know if i could have went though life without building resentment toward her again. It would take her changing in order for that to happen and i dont she will ever will. So tonight and hopefully going forward i feel like i can move ahead. Finally after a painful month of complete agony i am starting to feel it isnt that bad, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have an urge to go out and meet people and just have fun, is this normal? I should probably wait or do you think going out to just have a good time and meeting people is ok.. I am not ready for anything serious. Instead of asking your wife about the cheating, why don't you call the OM's wife and ask her about the phone calls? . Maybe she doesn't know her husband is talking to your wife. That would be one way to get your wife to stop talking to him, expose this to the OM's wife. Don't threaten to do it, just call her up and let her know what her husband's been up to. As long as there's another man in the picuture, you don't stand a chance. It all depends on what you really want. If you want your wife back, start taking charge of the situation, if you don't, do nothing and watch your marriage fail.
seibert253 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Instead of asking your wife about the cheating, why don't you call the OM's wife and ask her about the phone calls? . Maybe she doesn't know her husband is talking to your wife. That would be one way to get your wife to stop talking to him, expose this to the OM's wife. Don't threaten to do it, just call her up and let her know what her husband's been up to. As long as there's another man in the picuture, you don't stand a chance. It all depends on what you really want. If you want your wife back, start taking charge of the situation, if you don't, do nothing and watch your marriage fail. All's fair in love and war. Right now, this is war.
TrustInYourself Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 This sounds familiar. I was in the exact same position. So what does she want with this place? Why is she out?
Gowithflow Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Be careful how far you want to go with the "friend" thing. If there is another man, then conversation will be very difficult and there will always be a invisible line dividing what is ok to talk about and what is not. this will drive you crazy. especially if you want her back. Also, when spending time with the ex and kid, you will feel like a family unit, and when you realize that you are no longer that, and remind yourself that the ex is a cheating liar you will feel worse. Even pissed off. I find that learning to be a single dad is a very rewarding experience. I have 50% with my D5. Scary at first. I've been doing it for 2 months. I look forward to it now. My divorce is in progress and things are settling down. The key is to keep busy and take care of yourself. Martial arts, chores, and dating keep my plate full when I don't have my kid. I'm not saying it's easy, but your situation is indeed quite common. Try to keep the emotions in check when around the ex. Also think hard before you drag anyone else into it. Just remember, "It was good...then it wasn't good". Good luck!
divorcedo Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Terrible to hear. My best friend, who read the poem at our wedding went through a similar scenario. he tried so hard to make it work for so long, and when it was finally over he was in bad shape. He is a very emotional and sensitive guy so almost wrecked him a few times. But it has been a year now and he is happy and very content to have his boy 3 days a week. No matter where the blame lies I have noticed that sometimes the separation can have very positive changes. So hang in there and don't let her flounder around on you. At first be flexible but in time you will both need to be firm about where this is heading.
Author Alan430 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Hey Thanks guys, I honestly have given up hope. Its a hard thing but i think my trust and foundation of marriage is cracked in half with her. I do not think my feeling will ever be the same for what she has put me though without concern. I am trying to move on had a bad morning at work. I felt all the feeling i tought i was over. One day at a time i guess. I have a question in regards to divorce in GA. If anyone knows anything that would be great. We agreed to a 50-50 custoday i would maintain most of the fancial bills for our child and she agreed to no child support. However it looks like the courts can and may overturn that and still make me pay child support to her regardless of what we decide. Does anyone have any information in regards to this. I know i need to contact a lawyer, but i told her i would help get move out fanically when i was wracked with pain and loss, and i am a man of my word. She blew my money and left bills unpaid that are wracking up fees. (Still in her name) and her name is still on my account. This is my prority now. But even with the new house i bought her 7 months ago if i have to pay 20% or my gross i will be left with pennies to live. I put about 20k into the house as a DPayment and the market here is really bad and i am afraid if i sold now i would loose at least all of the Down payment. So anyone know about the 50-50 custody and child support.
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