shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 OK, I am a total idiot and in the last few weeks I stupidly got re-involved with my ex. I was really lonely and he weaseled his way back into my life. I guess I forgot how bad things were. Big mistake. In the last few days, I have gone through a huge amount of emotional torture. He has hurt me a stupendous amount, more than I ever imagined he could. He broke an important commitment to me three times in a row as if it meant nothing. He showed no remorse or emotional affect. I am tears at the moment and can't find my phone charger so I have no one to talk to. I feel like he's not even the same person I thought I knew. He's acting like a sociopath -- totally cold. I feel on the verge of hurting myself. He just screamed at me in front of my housemates, ripped into me and now I am afraid to leave my room out of embarrassment. Please help. I know I brought it on myself, but I just feel so miserable right now. Beyond words. The semester was starting out so well, and now I feel collapsed.
Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Make him leave. Don't ever see him again. It's really that easy.
missdeathwish Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 If he's still there, kick him out. Tell him never to show up again. If he does, call the cops. Talk to one of your housemates, or sneak out and knock on a friend's window. Find someone to talk to, go to the grocery store and buy refrigerator cookie dough to eat in front of a movie... whatever. Just find someone to talk to so you don't do anything destructive.
You'reasian Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 OK, I am a total idiot and in the last few weeks I stupidly got re-involved with my ex. I was really lonely and he weaseled his way back into my life. I guess I forgot how bad things were. Big mistake. In the last few days, I have gone through a huge amount of emotional torture. He has hurt me a stupendous amount, more than I ever imagined he could. He broke an important commitment to me three times in a row as if it meant nothing. He showed no remorse or emotional affect. I am tears at the moment and can't find my phone charger so I have no one to talk to. I feel like he's not even the same person I thought I knew. He's acting like a sociopath -- totally cold. I feel on the verge of hurting myself. He just screamed at me in front of my housemates, ripped into me and now I am afraid to leave my room out of embarrassment. Please help. I know I brought it on myself, but I just feel so miserable right now. Beyond words. The semester was starting out so well, and now I feel collapsed. Leave him. Go No Contact.
Author shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 The worst part is there was this party going on tonight that a mutual acquaintance is having that my ex was going to. I had been looking forward to it because I need to meet people here, but my ex refused to let me come.
allina Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 I'm sorry. It'll be okay thought, with time he'll be nothing but a learning experience. Go hang out with friends or housemates, let them cheer you up and be there for you. I've always felt like having a good time and reminding your self that it won't always feel like sh*t was the best way to get over these situation. Good luck.
Author shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 To give a bit more detail, things were going well until about three nights ago. For some reason I was feeling melancholy that night and confided in him about how sometimes I have these suicidal thoughts. I started crying quietly in bed. Instead of giving me a hug or whatever, he just lay there cold and unresponsive. He said he was totally freaked out by my bout of sadness and how it reminded him of his bipolar mother and he couldn't see himself being with me because then he feared he'd be like his dad (care-taking somebody unable to function). WTF? It was literally the first time I'd felt down in weeks. The next day he apologized profusely, but then later that night he broke a major commitment to me we'd been planning for months. I got really upset, then he backed down and apologized. The next day he changed his mind again and did it without remorse. Then apologized again. Last night I went to a party with him that his old roommates were throwing, and i was feeling a bit awkward because i didn't know anybody. I was pretty quiet but tried to be friendly and smiley. I could tell that he was annoyed at me for being quiet, and I asked him in the car if he would prefer it if i weren't a shy person and he said "yes." Then he got fed up with my questions and said, "what do you want me to lie. Yes, if we broke up i'll definitely go out with an outgoing girl." He was also laughing at me while I was upset. It was weird. Then this morning, there was at film shoot that an acquaintance we know was having. It was sort of a casual thing and I had told the guy I might go, but this morning i was feeling reluctant because it was ten degrees outside and we would have to be out there for two hours. I made the excuse that I was feeling under the weather but would like to help on future shoots. My ex went and told me the guy had invited us to a beer brewing thing at his house that night. I wanted to go but was concerned it would blow my cover about being sick. My ex called the guy up, mentioned I wanted to come, and told him i had lied to him about being sick. I got upset, and he acted like "whatever, you lied. I told the truth." Then he broke this commitment to me for the third time. At this point I was nearly hysterical. He was acting like this cold, creepy robot and didn't seem to give a crap. Finally I calmed down and said I still wanted to go to the thing tonight because I'm eager to meet new people (even if it will be awkward). He told me I couldn't come. I'm not sure why I wrote this all down as it doesn't change anything. I guess I just needed to get it out there.
You'reasian Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Sorry to hear about this. You deserve a man that's going to want to be with you, will want to contact you and cherish you - just make sure you take the time to get ready for that, because often its too intense when a man decides to woo a woman that he desires. Best of luck
Author shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 I'm sorry. It'll be okay thought, with time he'll be nothing but a learning experience. Go hang out with friends or housemates, let them cheer you up and be there for you. I've always felt like having a good time and reminding your self that it won't always feel like sh*t was the best way to get over these situation. Good luck. I'd love to do that but unfortunately I don't have any friends here. I moved here six months ago, but I'm a few years older than all the other students (took some time off from university) which adds to the difficulty. My housemates are pretty cool (two guys), but I feel really embarrassed after my loud fight with my ex that they just witnessed. They probably think I'm some unstable crazy girl now. That's why I was looking forward to this thing tonight. The guy who was throwing the party is also somebody whmo I've found attractive and could also see myself being friends with. Now that's not an option. The one good thing about my ex is he's more social than I am so I could make other friends through him.
allina Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 My housemates are pretty cool (two guys), but I feel really embarrassed after my loud fight with my ex that they just witnessed. They probably think I'm some unstable crazy girl now. I wouldn't worry about this at all. Go out there and casually say "I'm sorry about earlier, I'm a little embarrassed, good thing that's over." I'm sure they've been there and understand. In college I lived with 3 guys, we were really close. When I was 22 I went through a bit of a hard time, I left a 1.5 year relationship with someone I cared a lot about but just couldn't deal with, then two days later my godfather was killed. It was rough and lonely. My roomies were awesomely supportive, not in that "omg hun! I'm soooooo sorry" way that makes me uncomfortable, but in a genuine lets have some fun way. And since you want to make friends anyways you might as well start at home.
Author shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 I wouldn't worry about this at all. Go out there and casually say "I'm sorry about earlier, I'm a little embarrassed, good thing that's over." I'm sure they've been there and understand. In college I lived with 3 guys, we were really close. When I was 22 I went through a bit of a hard time, I left a 1.5 year relationship with someone I cared a lot about but just couldn't deal with, then two days later my godfather was killed. It was rough and lonely. My roomies were awesomely supportive, not in that "omg hun! I'm soooooo sorry" way that makes me uncomfortable, but in a genuine lets have some fun way. And since you want to make friends anyways you might as well start at home. That's good advice. The only thing is they're both in their rooms now with the doors closed. Should I just knock on one of their doors and apologize? I know it would be rather awkward. They'll be like "that's ok." and that would be the end of the conversation. Neither is a really touchy-feely guy. Or should I wait until maybe tomorrow or later tonight when I see them around the house like in the kitchen to apologize?
Author shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 I know I could keep him out of my life if I had some other friends. I run into a few main difficulties with making friends: 1) At 25 I'm older than the majority of students. I wouldn't mind being friends with juniors or seniors (can't see myself having much in common with freshman), but I fear that other students see me as this creepy older chick and have no interest in talking to me. Grad students are around, but I don't really know where they hang out, and they probably wouldn't want to befriend some ancient undergrad. 2) I live off campus. I can't see myself living in a dorm, but that also makes it harder to cement friendships. 3) I'm shy and don't have a lot of social experience. Basically, I'm terrible at small talk. Like the worst person you've ever met at small talk. Once I get over that initial "getting to know you" phase, I'm good to go. I'm pretty good at forming deeper relationships with people, but it's so hard to get over the hump because people are usually weirded out by my awkwardness. What are my options right now? M and I started a film club for students interested in making movies, and I figured that would be a good way to meet people with similar interests. This is how we met the acquaintance who was throwing the beer brewing thing tonight. But this creates potential awkwardness because we're sort of sharing potential friends. M is an extrovert, so he tends to dominate the conversation. This means that if we're hanging out with other people together he'll do a lot of the talking and form a bond with the other person while my introversion goes into overdrive and I start to feel like his appendage, leeching off him for friends but not really contributing anything. Yet without his ambassadorship I can't see myself making friends given my poor social skills. I guess it's just low self esteem. I mean it's one thing to get to know people a bit through a club, but after the meeting or activity is over, how does that turn into a friendship?
zhsoj Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 From what I've read you wish you were more extroverted as his ability to be social makes it seem that he is in control of things and "out-there". To you this makes him seem like he is so much more capable than you are. Well, lets tear that image down. He is human after all. As I've found with most all of my more extroverted friends (I'm quite introverted), they aren't nearly as in-control as they seem. They are often more insecure then you would ever think. They are constantly running from their problems. And of course incredibly flakey. But they give out this vibe that makes them seem like they know what they are doing. It's so easy to be blinded by their self-projected image that suddenly you are envious and start to see them as almost super-human. This guy sounds like he fits the pattern. Very outgoing, makes friends easily (most of whom are likely superficial), always charging ahead, etc; but underneath it all he is pretty insecure. It doesn't sound like he has really come to terms with his mother's condition. Which is fine; he is after-all only human. I don't mean to rag on him or my friends. Rather I advocate that you not place him or anyone else on a pedestal. To those of us that are shy and introverted living in a society that loves the out-going showman, it's so easy to be envious and put ourselves down for not being the life of the party. Don't. Not only do we introverts have our strengths, but I would venture they are often far more valuable and stable in the long-term. The realization for me was when I learned that my very outgoing friends were incredibly jealous of me. They were jealous of my level-headiness, my education, my accomplishments, the deep friendships I had with others. It was a real eye-opener for me to learn that these people that I so envied were in fact envious of socially-anxious me. Since then I've learned how to be friends with them. I expect their flakiness and forgive them for it. We all are only human after all. I personally think I'll overcome my social-anxiety far sooner than they will overcome their issues. That is if they ever stop running from them. I hope they do, but until then I meet them knowing we are on a level playing field. Good luck, and don't worry about being older than most students. I knew lots of much older undergrads and no-one ever had an issue with them. In fact most 18 & 19 year olds are secretly envious of the older students that seem to know how to handle things.
Author shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 I don't know. I'm conflicted guys. I spoke to my best friend and he advised me to give M another chance because he's worried about me being lonely this semester and it negatively affecting my grades. But I am so hurt and angry at him right now that I just don't know if I can forgive. Should I just let him go, or is that a bad idea given that he's my main social connection here?
GS99 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Do you go to a big college? If so...change apartments...maybe he won't find you.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Do you go to a big college? If so...change apartments...maybe he won't find you. You are kind of missing the point. She wants him to find her.
Author shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 Keeps getting worse. Now he wants to never see me again and will barely talk to me. He's bringing up stuff I did a year and a half ago out of the blue. How is this possible when he's the one who's hurt me in the last few days? I just don't get it. He said again that he doesn't want to be with somebody who's depressed and suicidal because we had one conversation where i confided in him about how in my darkest moments I have suicidal thoughts.
Author shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 I'm so angry at myself and him. Why did I get reinvolved. And how could he do this to me right as the semester starts. I was doing so well. I had been implementing a lot of my resolutions. The last few days I have fallen apart. I'm a mess.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Shadow!!!!! Why????? Why do you torture yourself? He hurts you again and again. He is MEAN. COLD. GET AWAY NOW!!!!!!!!!! Don't beat yourself up. It will only make things worse. If you start, just say the word "STOP". Concentrate on that one word until the thought go away. Distract yourself. Screw this guy. I don't care what he thinks of you. He's a total jerk and he isn't worthy of you. How are we going to get you to build up some self-worth and confidence?
Author shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 Shadow!!!!! Why????? Why do you torture yourself? He hurts you again and again. He is MEAN. COLD. GET AWAY NOW!!!!!!!!!! Don't beat yourself up. It will only make things worse. If you start, just say the word "STOP". Concentrate on that one word until the thought go away. Distract yourself. Screw this guy. I don't care what he thinks of you. He's a total jerk and he isn't worthy of you. How are we going to get you to build up some self-worth and confidence? I know you're right but it's hard for me to break out of this self-hate thing. I tell him I love him and he doesn't seem to care. I just don't understand after everything we've shared he can be so callous. Why do I care so much more than he does? That's what gets me. I find it bizarre how he turned this whole thing around so that he was the victim. He does some mean things to me, I react naturally by getting very upset, he then is like "Ok, bye. I hate you. Get out of my life." And because he has no justification for this, he brings back all this crap that I did earlier in the relationship. How can he be angry at me right now? I don't get it. I haven't even said anything mean to him. I've told him how much I care, and to give me a chance. I've cried. And it's as if his conscience has kicked in and resents me for making him feel guilty.
Ariadne Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Keeps getting worse. Now he wants to never see me again and will barely talk to me. He's bringing up stuff I did a year and a half ago out of the blue. How is this possible when he's the one who's hurt me in the last few days? I just don't get it. He said again that he doesn't want to be with somebody who's depressed and suicidal because we had one conversation where i confided in him about how in my darkest moments I have suicidal thoughts. Yey! At least is exciting. Aren't you going to the same school also?
Taramere Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 I'm so angry at myself and him. Why did I get reinvolved. And how could he do this to me right as the semester starts. I was doing so well. I had been implementing a lot of my resolutions. The last few days I have fallen apart. I'm a mess. You got reinvolved in the quest to fulfil some of your emotional needs. It's not a crime - it's perfectly natural. But this incident is telling you that it isn't going to work. Not with this guy. Any involvement with him will take far more out of you than it gives you. Loneliness, hard as it might be, is preferable. You're not going to fall apart. You're going to refocus on these resolutions of yours that you've been doing so well with, you're going to get back on track with them...and you're going to prove to yourself that you can elbow this sorry situation aside and press forward. Talk about the resolutions a bit more, please.
The Collector Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 You know how people who aren't interested in their exes any more go cold so as not to encourage them. We've all done it. But anyone decent would be more sympathetic to someone who confesses suicidal thoughts. So screw him, he's got issues, and so do you with your attraction to emotionally detached people. I used to go for ice-queens, but they are no fun in the end. And no one is going to think you're an old weirdo at 25 for talking to anyone you like. And unless they were very flattering pictures I saw, you're hot and everyone likes hot girls. I'm not great at advising shy people how to not be shy, but feel the fear and do it anyway is often useful advice.
Author shadowplay Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 Yey! At least is exciting. Aren't you going to the same school also? Yes, unfortunately we have a remarkable amount in common so we ended up in three of the same classes! I'm dropping out of one and he's dropping out of another, but we'll still be in one small class together. And we started this club together. It was originally my idea, but he wanted to be part of it. That should be interesting.
Ariadne Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Yes, unfortunately we have a remarkable amount in common so we ended up in three of the same classes! I'm dropping out of one and he's dropping out of another, but we'll still be in one small class together. And we started this club together. It was originally my idea, but he wanted to be part of it. That should be interesting. Ah. I'm surprised it still affects you so much the stuff with that guy. I'd be blah by now.
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