Dating a total stranger after months of knowing them hmmm

[Trinibeauty]

Has anyone wondered why when you meet a new guy and you start dating things just seem to be...lets just say "perfect" then 3-5 months down the line he starts showing his true colors or he just seems to change into someone you really cant see yourself with. i was dating this guy whom i thought was "the one" he claimed to have been prince charmind himself coming to find out he is an alcoholic and a drug addict, not sure how i got myself into that type of predicament, he later broke up with me though after saying i was the best girl he has ever dated...no sex involved by the way. Is it me or is he crazy?

[Ms. Red]

Back in my dating years, I would never date anyone that I didn't know through someone. I was too scared of going out with strangers because of stories like yours.

 

I was very fortunate in the fact that my older brother had rock bands rotating through our garage where I met all my boyfriends. Also, most of the guys acted as my bros & would screen the guys that did want to date me.

 

And NO it's not you. He was crazy. Why break up with you if you were the best he ever dated?

 

Oh and btw, if one has to say they are "prince charming" then they are not.

[birdie]

I was very fortunate in the fact that my older brother had rock bands rotating through our garage where I met all my boyfriends. Also, most of the guys acted as my bros & would screen the guys that did want to date me

 

didn't it freak you out that everyone new your business? your brother for starters (must have been really weird for him) and all his mates?

 

I'm the opposite, I insist on dating people outside my friends' circles because I prefer to keep things private and not to cause any friction. other people can't tell who would be good for you anyway. they use their values when they 'screen', not yours

[voldigicam]

I've gradually come to the hypothesis that many / most people have a hard time being themselves to themselves, let alone to others. Can't let themselves out. I don't think there's a great deal of conscious intent, but this internal conflict shows up in relationships. I've seen the process of someone gradually letting themselves out, having something happen they didn't like, stuffing that down, having it leak out inappropriately, etc. Back and forth.

 

And the process of having someone let themselves out and finding I didn't like who was inside!

 

I have an ex-wife who went through such things, while I was going through such things myself. Was an interesting ride. I suspect she's run through those patterns and much more become herself, as I have. If we didn't have history and met right now I strongly suspect we'd end up seeing a good deal of each other.

 

In practical terms, why be the therapy tool for someone else? There's always a bit of change and turbulence in real relationships, but no need to be a punching bag for unresolved deep and fundamental conflicts in another.

 

From another viewpoint, can we really know another? Dating is such a weird world. One of the biggest problems is sex. From a systems point of view, separating sex from relationship building makes sense. We just haven't figured out a way internally or externally to separate sex from relationship. Probably a good thing. And sex / desire / romance always complicate relationships by bringing up all that deep stuff.

 

Do people really know themselves? They're not static. After coming up on 20 years, my wife and I are still researching ourselves and each other.

[Trinibeauty]

Back in my dating years, I would never date anyone that I didn't know through someone. I was too scared of going out with strangers because of stories like yours

 

 

 

the funny thing was..i did meet this guy through a good guy friend of mine(who has a crush on me), but seeing that me and the guy kinda rushed things romatically, i was kind of afraid to tell my friend about this but eventually i told him and he was wondering why i would even give his friend the time of the day(i thought he was just being jealous) hmm maybe he was. but i guess the situation was kinda my fault as well, i dunno you guys tell me.

[Trinibeauty]

im kinda new to this thing and was trying to quote ms red, but i as you can see i suck at this..

[Ms. Red]

Back in my dating years, I would never date anyone that I didn't know through someone. I was too scared of going out with strangers because of stories like yours

 

 

 

the funny thing was..i did meet this guy through a good guy friend of mine(who has a crush on me), but seeing that me and the guy kinda rushed things romatically, i was kind of afraid to tell my friend about this but eventually i told him and he was wondering why i would even give his friend the time of the day(i thought he was just being jealous) hmm maybe he was. but i guess the situation was kinda my fault as well, i dunno you guys tell me.

 

Well, rushing things is never a good idea. But I'm guilty of having done it before. And, no it's not your fault. addicts are sneaky and can be good at hiding their addiction. I know coz I've been there in my past.

[Ms. Red]

didn't it freak you out that everyone new your business? your brother for starters (must have been really weird for him) and all his mates?

 

I'm the opposite, I insist on dating people outside my friends' circles because I prefer to keep things private and not to cause any friction. other people can't tell who would be good for you anyway. they use their values when they 'screen', not yours

 

No, it didn't bother me because it was all I knew. And I think I shouldn't have used the word "screen". It was more like they put the word out that I was not to be mis-treated or they would have to deal with the guys.

[Trinibeauty]

sigh...ive come to a conclusion that since people tend to try and put their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship, i will wait till 6-7 months down the line for yhe true person to eventually come out (if it lasts that long) im just soo afraid of stepping into another bad relationship thats all..