i've been heartbroken for half a year and this is what I tell myself.

[lonelyindistance]

I hope it works. Any encouraging thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

 

-----

 

I am damaged goods. But, hey, I have hope. I've struggled with depression, heartbreak, and I've come out alive. I'm a fighter. I fought until there was nothing left to fight for. And today I fight for something new, something exciting, something that will keep me alive.

 

My struggle is a struggle for life. It's a philosophical struggle. I can feel it deep within myself.

 

I'm ready to welcome laughter back into my life. Despite all the pain, I'm ready to welcome back trust into my life. I'm always ready to give his much as I can, and to rightfully expect the same in return.

 

These past few months I've allowed myself to be victim to her whims. I allowed myself to beg. I degraded myself. I sought to keep our love alive. I sought something that no longer existed. If she had treated her friends the way she treated me in these past months, she would no longer have any friends. I cannot like someone, not to mention love someone, who gives me no reason at all to like her. I cannot continue to have feelings for someone who is so distant and cold. I cannot trust someone who will not even keep her word to return my call to finish an important conversation. It doesn't take weeks to turn a call, but that's how long it takes her to. Or perhaps even longer. I would not know because I always gave in. I always reached out only to be pushed away. But I stuck around for whatever reasons-- desperation, hope, disappointment, low self-esteem, the inability to shake off memories of a beautiful past. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for her to turn my world sideways, to feel the turbulence of her disappearance acts. I wasn't ready for such a dramatic change in my daily routine, in my identity, in my heart. Although for a long time I wanted this change to come, when it happened, I lost my way. And I've been lost since then. But, slowly I stood up and found my way back, back to something that I will call my own, a life that I want to live.

 

Love and hope, and sometimes distractions, are what is given me strength through difficult times. Love and hope is what urged me to fight for our relationship. Love and hope will help me transcend this hurdle. This is what I tell myself. This is something I must cultivate in order to move on to a better life, to make room for someone who will genuinely love me some day. I deserve a love that doesn't give up on me. Because I haven't given up on love.

[OpenBook]

Yup, I've been where you are. And I told myself the same thing about the "damaged goods" thing. This is what I said: Yeah, you're right. Fine. I'm a wreck. I've been knocked down to nothing. That means nobody can hurt me any more than I've already been hurt. Nowhere to go but up. It was greatly freeing and liberating, in a weird sort of way, to think like that. It meant I didn't have to worry anymore about what people thought of me, or depend on them for anything. It was all up to me. I was finally free.

 

So I picked myself back up, brushed myself off, and kept on moving. In total autopilot, at first. Just keep moving - that's all I concentrated on.

 

And I'm so glad I did!!

 

So you keep on fighting that good fight. There's a reason why you're still here. You need to find out what that reason is... and then live it out. Good luck to you. And welcome to the human race.

[You'reasian]

Sorry to hear about you struggle with this, but it looks like you've picked up and moved on Congratulations!

[lonelyindistance]

yeah. i'm actually still struggling. but these are the things that i think i have to tell myself in order to move on.

 

we haven't even resolved things i feel like. she won't return my calls. this is what i get for making life plans, baby plans, house plans. this is punishment for being so happy... sorry i'm having a bad evening.

[Template]

yeah. i'm actually still struggling. but these are the things that i think i have to tell myself in order to move on.

 

we haven't even resolved things i feel like. she won't return my calls. this is what i get for making life plans, baby plans, house plans. this is punishment for being so happy... sorry i'm having a bad evening.

 

No, No, No. You're being happy because you think unselfishly, there is no punishment. I know exactly what you are going through dude, but I never think I'm being punished because I was happy to be unselfish. You have to see this as opportunity. Opportunity to grow as a person. Opportunity to realize that you truly know what you want in life (trust me, there's a lot of people here who know people in there 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, who don't know what they want in life). Opporunity to find true inner happiness. Ask yourself this, would you really want to be in a relationship with a person that doesn't love you, or share your goals in life, just so you can be in the habit of being in a relationship (doesn't necessarily translate to happiness)?

[lonelyindistance]

Template, thanks for your encouraging words. Thank you all...

 

I've actually asked myself quite often, why do I want to be with someone who no longer shows love or affection towards me? I think it's because I have this sick thought that she'll change back, that she'll love me once again just like she used to. Is that messed up?

 

She said she wanted to give us another try, but she says many things. She says she misses me. But here we are, not together still, not talking...Why would she say things like that if she didn't really want them? I'm so confused about the ambiguity. I don't feel like I can really ever let go until I know for sure, with absolute certainty, that there is nothing left to salvage. My friends tell me there's nothing, that I should move on. But I'm kind of hopeful that she may come to her senses. How does someone say that she cannot find happiness like we had then not come back? Was she just saying that? Did she mean it in that moment and no longer? How can I share such love then lose it?

[chacha7]

I am exactly like you, its scary actually. After being blindsided by our breakup, I've basically begged my ex bf to take me back, giving in to whatever he wanted to prove that I would do whatever it takes for us. It's sad, but in a way, I feel like I am the one who is moving forward and he is the one who is stuck. I just think, at least I know what I want in my life and I am able to feel love and know what love takes and be unselfish and commit myself to someone fully. I dont know if I knew all of that before the breakup, and it sucks that the person I want to do all of those wonderful things with doesn't want to do them with me, but just knowing those things makes me hopeful that I will some day meet someone who is special and allows me fulfill all of my dreams with them. It's not easy though, sometimes I think I'm damaged goods and will never trust a guy to not hurt me like this again, and I tend to only remember good parts of our relationship and blame all of the bad parts on myself, which doesn't help my self esteem, and everything in the world reminds me of him. But I think that slowly I'll build my confidence back up again and I'll be okay, hopefully.

[merlin2]

There is always 'sunshine after the rain'so to speak.You can't imagine it when you are grieving and wondering where you went wrong.But there is a day in the future where you will meet that special person who will seal your fate and reciprocate your feelings tenfold.I believe these bad relationships happen so that we can appreciate that person who comes along and gives us what we need.

[Zammo25]

There is always 'sunshine after the rain'so to speak.You can't imagine it when you are grieving and wondering where you went wrong.But there is a day in the future where you will meet that special person who will seal your fate and reciprocate your feelings tenfold.I believe these bad relationships happen so that we can appreciate that person who comes along and gives us what we need.

 

Yeah whatever.

[lonelyindistance]

I've basically begged my ex bf to take me back, giving in to whatever he wanted to prove that I would do whatever it takes for us. .... it sucks that the person I want to do all of those wonderful things with doesn't want to do them with me,.... will never trust a guy to not hurt me like this again, and I tend to only remember good parts of our relationship and blame all of the bad parts on myself, which doesn't help my self esteem, and everything in the world reminds me of him. But I think that slowly I'll build my confidence back up again and I'll be okay, hopefully.

 

I can definitely relate to the begging. And the desiring someone to for some really dumb reason or multiple reasons want nothing to do with me. Which is odd because I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Anyway, point is I find some comfort in these common experiences. And yeah, it'll be really hard to love again. But I think it'll be beautiful when it happens. And yes, confidence definitely lacks these days as when I need to be most attractive I am definitely under desired and unattractive.

 

As for you, you'll definitely be okay and be able to build your confidence back up again. It just takes time and a lot of pain, right? But we're in this together. I guess I'm feeling a little better rights now. These moods fluctuate too much for my own comfort. But hey remember feeling relatively good. So that's good! we can get through this

[lonelyindistance]

There is always 'sunshine after the rain'so to speak.You can't imagine it when you are grieving and wondering where you went wrong.But there is a day in the future where you will meet that special person who will seal your fate and reciprocate your feelings tenfold.I believe these bad relationships happen so that we can appreciate that person who comes along and gives us what we need.

 

thanks for the encouragement. I do hope that someday I'll find someone who can love me just as much or more than I can love them. That's all actually I really want. Someone who can love me as much as I can love them. That's fair. I just teeter back and forth between grabbing at the past, grabbing a love that I knew, to realizing that I need to move on and that that love no longer exists. People with their silly promises, right?

 

When is that the people decide once and for all that they've had enough. When they've had enough right? I've decided that so many times. I guess I'm indecisive.? Or week. Ican't get down to the root of exactly why I can let go through all this pain. Sorry, I was feeling good a second ago. But none more contemplative.

 

I guess I just have to remember that things will get better with time. And things have been getting better in that I have a little bit more clarity with which to view the situation. And then realizing more and more that life is too precious to waste on someone who won't even reciprocate a friendly text message.

[lonelyindistance]

So I picked myself back up, brushed myself off, and kept on moving. In total autopilot, at first. Just keep moving - that's all I concentrated on.

 

 

 

How did you do that? Did all those bothersome thoughts about the past just melt away when you realize that you had nowhere to go but "up"? or that pretty much it couldn't be worse than it already was?