I need to get out of this marriage

[SueBee3490]

I've been on LS for quite a few years now. I found out my H was cheating on me back in Jan '03 (I know - over 6 yrs ago - a long time!!). At the time I found out, we have only been married about 4 mos. His cheating evidently went on the entire 2 1/2 yrs we dated/engaged. I found out he went out on me 1 1/2 yrs into our dating, he apologized, I forgave, blah, blah so we went on with our lives together and married. I totally trusted him AGAIN!

 

Anyway, I don't know if anyone has any advice on how to "jumpstart" me into getting on with my life (away from him). We are still married (basically only in name). We are more like "friends" or roommates. I don't even know what name to put on it but I can't seem to get going. Went to 4 counselors immediately after finding out about his cheating but at that time I was so confused, upset, crying all the time that I just felt like I existed but wasn't really living. Not sure I'm really living now.

 

I think my problem is that we bought this home - sure it won't sell in today's economy and I just don't want to move again. I've moved so many times in my life, I thought this would be it. I've tried telling him to go - I've seen a lawyer asking if I can back out of the house (both names are on the mortgage) and just give it to him - lawyer said no - bank would come after me. I know he can't pay it alone. I've told him to leave but of course he won't, as house is in both names.

 

Friends tell me to "get off my butt" and get going. I've thought of telling him I have a bf to see if he'd leave. A stupid idea but I guess I'm just trying to get something going and I know I'd never date while married. Just feel I'm wasting years (I'm the big 50 this year) and I need to do something but feel stuck. I don't do anything with friends - basically go to work, come home, I do have 1 grandson now that I see but don't really get out and live. I know my only option is to sell this home but it needs some work and I don't have money to put into it.

 

Thanks for letting me vent

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I don't think your situation is much different than many people, financial reasons is the only reason you're still together. My suggestion would be to go to a therapist just for you. You need to restart you're own personal life and help figure a way to get out of the relationship.

 

If it was me I'd put the house up on the market anyway. You're in a dead relationship. If you don't want to be with him write down a plan that will allow the house to sell and get divorced. Go get a smaller home you can afford.

[NYCmitch25]

I've been on LS for quite a few years now. I found out my H was cheating on me back in Jan '03 (I know - over 6 yrs ago - a long time!!). At the time I found out, we have only been married about 4 mos. His cheating evidently went on the entire 2 1/2 yrs we dated/engaged. I found out he went out on me 1 1/2 yrs into our dating, he apologized, I forgave, blah, blah so we went on with our lives together and married. I totally trusted him AGAIN!

 

Anyway, I don't know if anyone has any advice on how to "jumpstart" me into getting on with my life (away from him). We are still married (basically only in name). We are more like "friends" or roommates. I don't even know what name to put on it but I can't seem to get going. Went to 4 counselors immediately after finding out about his cheating but at that time I was so confused, upset, crying all the time that I just felt like I existed but wasn't really living. Not sure I'm really living now.

 

I think my problem is that we bought this home - sure it won't sell in today's economy and I just don't want to move again. I've moved so many times in my life, I thought this would be it. I've tried telling him to go - I've seen a lawyer asking if I can back out of the house (both names are on the mortgage) and just give it to him - lawyer said no - bank would come after me. I know he can't pay it alone. I've told him to leave but of course he won't, as house is in both names.

 

Friends tell me to "get off my butt" and get going. I've thought of telling him I have a bf to see if he'd leave. A stupid idea but I guess I'm just trying to get something going and I know I'd never date while married. Just feel I'm wasting years (I'm the big 50 this year) and I need to do something but feel stuck. I don't do anything with friends - basically go to work, come home, I do have 1 grandson now that I see but don't really get out and live. I know my only option is to sell this home but it needs some work and I don't have money to put into it.

 

Thanks for letting me vent

 

Honestly, something seems odd here... a man who has consistently cheated actually has the nerve to not capitulate on the house ? There's got to be something you're not telling us -- that or you are incredibly passive. Perhaps you find controlling men or they find you -- this guy should be begging for your forgiveness not playing hardball over the mortgage. Also, why did you go to four counselors (instead of one or two) ? Why is moving such an issue? Forget him - can you really afford the mortgage by yourself ? Is he trying to work things out with you, hence not moving out ? If so would you be willing to forgive him again? Do you know why he cheats, has he done it with other women ? How many times has he been divorced ? Do you see any patterns ?

 

With all that being said, I'm surprised you thought you could just walk away from your mortgage obligation ? Think about it, you agreed with the bank to lend you money under certain conditions, why would they simply allow you to change them as you feel?

 

Anyway, you'll probably have to get the courts involved somehow. I think you can setup something where you and he each pay 1/2of the mortgage (until sold); plus it would be prudent that just you live there or no one, so he doesn't benefit from the situation. Then he will feel the pressure to sell instead of enjoying a house at rental prices. Hence you can probably try to negotiate a short sale or something --but it's important to note that it's important that you continue to pay the mortgage in order to save your credit score. Good luck ..

 

PS> I would think living with a scorned woman would make him want to move out.. How are you treating him ?

[SueBee3490]

Honestly, something seems odd here... a man who has consistently cheated actually has the nerve to not capitulate on the house ? There's got to be something you're not telling us -- that or you are incredibly passive. Perhaps you find controlling men or they find you -- this guy should be begging for your forgiveness not playing hardball over the mortgage. ?

 

Well what happened with our house is that when we bought it in 2002 - he basically paid most of the down payment. We put our checking accts together when we got married (major mistake!) since we both had kids from previous marriages we should have kept them separate. Well anyway, I paid bills from "our" checking account. He came from livintg in a beat-up trailer to our current 2-story home with 2600 sq feet. Of course upkeep/maintenance is going to be more with a bigger home/yard. He was a trucker so he would accuse me of using "our" money for other things. Of course I wasn't - just paying the bills and living. I'd finally had enough of it so we split our accounts in summer of 2005. Since that time I have basically been paying "almost" everything. I pay the mortgage, food, electricity, satellite, home phone and then my personal credit cards, my cell phone, my car insurance. He pays the propane & supposed to pay the real estate taxes & homeowner's insurance (though I've had to come up with this money sometimes). He pays his car payment, car insurance on his vehicle. So I think since I've been basically paying everything since then - I've more than paid him back his down payment. I've been stupid.

 

Also, why did you go to four counselors (instead of one or two) ? Why is moving such an issue? Forget him - can you really afford the mortgage by yourself ? ?

 

First counselor I went to but knew her from before when I was a single mom and I talked to her about my teenage daughter who was acting out and I was just trying to raise 3 kids by myself so to now go to her about this cheating problem just didn't seem right - only went once. The 2nd counselor we went to together - she basically told me to "get over it" since he admitted it. That was it for her. The 3rd was which paid for through my work didn't seem as though she was that good of a counselor. The 4th was one I paid for personally and seemed to help the most.

 

As I said above I have been paying the mortgage but I can't also take on the taxes & propane. I live from paycheck to paycheck now.

 

Is he trying to work things out with you, hence not moving out ? If so would you be willing to forgive him again? Do you know why he cheats, has he done it with other women ? How many times has he been divorced ? Do you see any patterns ??

 

He doesn't want to get divorced. He keeps saying he's sorry, etc. I did forgive him once (1 1/2 yrs into dating him, he went out on me). Told me he found out it was a mistake, that he really loves/wants me so I believed him and forgave him. Can I forgive him again? - NO. I don't know why he cheats. He has come up with a variety of excuses. The most common one he keeps repeating is that he had to move from his home state to mine when we got married (450 miles apart). He was married once before me and didn't cheat on her (so he claims). But she did cheat on him (again, so he claims). A counselor asked me if either of his parents cheated. At the time he had never mentioned it, but in talking since, he did say his dad had cheated on his mom. Since he claims his ex-wife was his first and only sexual partner before me, I thought maybe he's living out his teen/early 20's years when he really never went out and "sowed his wild oats" so to speak. ???

 

Anyway, you'll probably have to get the courts involved somehow. I think you can setup something where you and he each pay 1/2of the mortgage (until sold); plus it would be prudent that just you live there or no one, so he doesn't benefit from the situation. Then he will feel the pressure to sell instead of enjoying a house at rental prices. Hence you can probably try to negotiate a short sale or something --but it's important to note that it's important that you continue to pay the mortgage in order to save your credit score. Good luck ..?

 

I've never been late on my mortgage. It's very important to me that I have good credit. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I would skip out on my obligation to pay the mortgage. I would never do that and probably part of the reason I don't want to leave it "up to him" to pay is simply I'm scared he won't and he'll just up and go back to his home state.

 

PS> I would think living with a scorned woman would make him want to move out.. How are you treating him ?

 

I'm pretty cool towards him anymore. I guess after thinking of all he's done - I just don't feel loving at all towards him. We talk, etc. but there isn't that bond or closeness that you feel with someone you love. I am a very "touchy-feely" person and I used to always hold his hand, kiss him, or always be touching him somehow. Now I don't touch him at all. I think he keeps holding out or hoping things will go back to how they were - but they won't. He's done too much damage to this relationship.

[2sure]

OK. So, lets assume you are saying exactly what you are thinking and that financial reasons and the housing market are the only things keeping you from divorcing.

 

As it stands now , both of your names are on the mortgage. So you are equally entitled to any equity and responsible for any debt. As it stands it is possible that your home may be worth less than you paid.

 

Also, you are paying from what it sounds - far and away more of the marriage and mortgage expenses than he is.

 

So - every month that you stay you are losing money that could be better spent or saved. Even if the housing market picks up within the next 5 years and you sell for a small profit: You will split it with him and still have not come out to the good because the expenses you paid out.

 

Wouldnt you rather be out of the marriage and in debt than in the marriage and incurring even more???

[SueBee3490]

Thanks Posco & 2sure

 

Posco - you make good sense in that maybe I do need to go back to a counselor (haven't been to one for years) since all this came out in the open. Maybe a therapist can help me figure out a way to get out of this relationship. It's like I'm the one who is stuck. As I said before, he doesn't want out - I can't figure out why not - I've told him to leave numerous times. He doesn't.

 

2sure - I know I'm paying way above what he pays. I always seem to be in relationships with men who aren't the best in character. I've never been with a physically abusive man, but just ones who are emotionally abusive (I think cheating is the ultimate in emotional abuse).

[carhill]

Call a divorce mediator. It sounds like you need some professional help with dealing with property issues. If H refuses to participate, consider that another step along the path. Then, tell your lawyer what has happened so far and that you want to hear different scenarios for divorce and your best course of action regarding them.

 

My posting this from my wife's new house tells you I'm a bit farther down a path you might wish to walk

 

TBH, not knowing all your details, a hard break and bankruptcy might be your best bet. That's likely what a lawyer will discuss with you. A good female friend of mine had to do it that way, simply because her H wouldn't budge on anything. She ended up on welfare for awhile to get their two kids through high school. She got her GED in her 40's (dropped out of high school to marry her H) and is now in nursing school. I'm very proud of her. Beware though....she ended up with a lousy divorce lawyer. Her BK lawyer wasn't much better. Shop around. Referals are best.

 

We're all around the same age (50) so, if you want to discuss privately, PM me.

 

Best wishes. You've given him and this M plenty of time