Really missing my ex...

[endlesstrains]

Officially we broke up almost 3 weeks ago but we both saw it coming for a while before that and had been having discussions about whether we should break up. He was saying he wasn't happy although he loved me, etc... and that he thought I wanted too much from him... and I on the other hand was very frustrated by his behavior and that he kept pulling away... we had been dating 10 months but it still felt like a 4-month relationship, he refused to spend much time with me, and he started making more and more excuses why he couldn't stay over or why he had to leave first thing in the morning on a weekend, and he thought I was being unreasonable for thinking we should be spending more time together at this stage... we went out maybe 2 or 3 times a week but those times increasingly got shorter and he would always happen to "forget" his clothes so he couldn't stay over, or he'd know he had "something" to do the next morning even though he couldn't remember it. (I know he wasn't cheating or anything... it's not in him. He's really just a man-boy who I guess was scared of the idea of commitment.)

 

I guess it was a pretty mutual break up since he kept saying he wanted to break up, and I didn't at first, but then I had enough of his crap and I broke up with him... and then the last day we were supposed to spend together (we already had plans so we just kept them) turned out really well and so we got back together for about 2 days, at which time he broke up with me because I said we needed to talk about whether we were together or not (towards the end any mention of the need for communication sent him running into the hills.)

 

Overall I think it has been as good as possible of a breakup... I really love(d) him but I know he was not right for me and didn't treat me the way I deserved... and I was not making him happy either so something was obviously wrong... but it's really hard sometimes. Until recently we worked the same job (I still work there as an alternate and VERY part time -- 2 hrs a week -- in the same building.) We also have a lot of the same friends that we met through this job, and we were all friends when me and the ex started dating, so they are just as much my friends as they are his. As far as I know neither of us has told them straight out that we broke up, but they are probably guessing. I have had to work with the ex a few times since we broke up (another co-worker is out sick) and it was uneventful, pretty normal... I guess since we were so used to turning off "us" to be professional at work. So I'm not sure what our co-workers think is going on. But I feel as if I have lost all my friends and my social life... it's not that they don't like me, I know they do, but I've asked them a few times if they want to get together and they seem apathetic about it. I think the problem is that my ex was always the one who rallied everyone together and got people excited to go out and I just don't have that kind of charisma. I feel like I will hardly ever see these people and since I have only lived here 2 years, they are my only friends.

 

Maybe it is them I miss as much as my ex... it got especially hard last night, another Friday night spend alone. It's been a long time since I've been alone this much. I am also unemployed and looking for another job so that's even more time with nothing to do. I am trying to fill it as best as I can... I joined a group I've always wanted to, I try to go to events that interest me, etc., but in the end I just feel isolated and alone. The Superbowl is coming up and my town's team is in it so of course everyone is psyched about that, and I don't have anyone to watch it with or get excited with (my ex and his friends are actually the only friends I had who really gave a crap about sports.) So I think that is bringing me down, too...

 

I don't know. All through the end, the ex was giving me mixed signals. He is the king of mixed signals. But I know it's because he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. The reason he wanted to break up with me was because he "wasn't happy" even though he supposedly "loved me more than he's ever loved anyone" and "couldn't imagine me not in his life." As you can imagine this confused the hell out of me and I kept thinking that the problem lay elsewhere in his life, considering how many personal problems he was going through at the time. I still think this is probably the case but obviously what's done is done. But after I broke up with him-- because I couldn't stand the wishy-washiness and the hanging in limbo-- he sent me this heartbreaking email saying all the things he knew he'd done wrong in the relationship, and saying that he didn't feel any relief at breaking up, and that he was afraid this was the worst mistake of his life (but he still wanted to stay broken up.) Ok, whatever. I sent him back an email telling him the ways in which he was a good person (even now I don't want to hurt him... he is a sweet man) but that it wasn't working out for us.

 

I guess it was a mistake to see each other again the next day, but he was hosting an event that he does monthly and it was always important to him to be supported, and so of course I had planned to go. Before the event he came over and we just lay in bed a long time holding each other and he was crying a little and said he was confused. I said I was confused too. Then we had sex (probably a bad idea) and went off to the event. Afterwards all our friends were going out and we went out too, and had a fantastic time. We went to a 24-hour diner (just me and the ex) afterwards to feed our drunk stomachs and as we were leaving we agreed that we should give our relationship another shot, that we shouldn't just throw it away like this.

 

So, he stayed over (he lives too far away to have driven home anyway) and in the morning, when we were both sober, I woke up confused and wondering what was happening between us. So after he had woken up fully I said something like "so... what's going on with us?" Which I guess was a bad idea because he got frustrated and said "last night was so great but I feel like this morning we're back to the bad things again" or something like that. Basically he would get frustrated every time we had to discuss something, and I think he was looking at the talking as a problem in the relationship rather than the solution to fix OTHER problems in the relationship... anyway I dropped it, and he said we'd talk after work. So he went to work, I went out and did my thing, I went into our work later that evening to get some things done and he ended up giving me a ride home. By that time I had decided on something that I thought would be a perfect solution-- to step back and give him space while he tried to figure things out, to see each other less and more casually until he decided what he wanted. This is what he had been asking for but when I offered it to him he got mad (I guess he thought I was "compromising myself.") So that turned into a big fight, which I never wanted it to be, and we left very mad at each other... only the second time we had actually fought and gotten mad like this. He "officially" broke up with me and basically yelled at me to get out of his car, so I flipped him off, and he drove away.

 

Later that night he sent an email being his usual wishy-washy self saying that he just "wished I hadn't pushed it" by asking him if we were still together. He said something like "I know you want to talk about it, but I don't feel like we have to. I feel like your answer is right here. I'm here with you now, aren't I?", referring to that morning and then later in the car. Cue paragraphs of blah blah blah, saying that he hoped this wasn't the worst mistake of his life but he couldn't take it anymore, etc, etc. I didn't respond because I knew if I did it would be rude and angry. He calls me the next morning on his way to work to apologize for being mean, at first I was not very receptive but finally we talked a little and I said something like "you know, if we're broken up we probably shouldn't keep talking to each other like this" and so that ended up being our final conversation. A few days later I saw him at work and we quicjly agreed to "try to be friends" (I know this usually turns out badly but honestly, we had every element of a great friendship... it was the relationship part that wasn't working out...)

 

So since then I've seen him now and then... he is always super friendly and seems interested in my life... while I am less interested in his. He called me once to pass on a freelance job, which I appreciated. Then he called me again early in the morning of that job to wish me good luck... (!?) And I asked him to look over something I was working on, a creative project of my own, because he was passing by and I valued his opinion... and he ended up spending 2 hours with me helping me with it when I never asked him to... in other words he's confusing me. I'm sure in his mind he just thinks "oh I like endlesstrains, I want to help her" or "oh I like helping people with their art" and so my mind knows it means nothing, but my heart is so confused.

 

He still hasn't changed his relationship status on Myspace or Facebook. He said he was going to keep it that way for a while. Why?? I've already changed mine and deleted the "couple" pictures of us. As far as I'm concerned it should reflect the truth.

 

Anyway I know this is a ridiculously long post but what it comes down to is that I'm missing him so much right now, I'm missing our friends and the life we used to have, and it really hurts. Part of me wants to call him, but what would I have for an excuse? I haven't called or texted him once since we broke up, except in response to him (which only happened once.) I think I am doing pretty well in not contacting him and in seeming like I am doing better than him (when I've seen him he looks like a wreck and does not seem to be doing well.) But it's so hard. And stupid little things keep making me want him more... the other day I saw him and he mentioned he'd been making good use of his new YMCA membership and going to the gym every day and he could feel that he was getting stronger. Well he's already very strong and that always attracted me to him... (yeah I know, I can't help it, it's some kind of cave-woman instinct.) So stupid things like that made me miss him... and honestly, even after the way he has treated me I still think he is a sweet and good person who deserves the best in life.

 

He has a lot of problems in his life right now and I can't help but think about them whenever I am reminded of them... because when we were together I would try to think of things I could do to make it better for him... and I keep thinking of it now even though it's not my problem. Every time I start I have to remind myself that it's not my problem anymore. But it's a hard habit to break.

 

I guess my mind knows what's up but my heart keeps swinging back and forth from "good riddance, I don't need him" to "oh my god he's gone what am I going to do." I know he was not right for me. But part of me is surprised he hasn't called me yet, "just to chat" or even to ask for me back. I think if he did I wouldn't take him up on it. But I guess part of me expected him to because I know his personality... and the more time passes, the more my heart hurts, even though my brain knows it's all ridiculous...

 

Just venting I guess

[msjules]

Just a few thoughts.........

 

1. You are far more put together than he is.

2. You put his needs first in the relationship and he puts his needs first in the relationship. There is very little give and take. This dynamic wears on a person and gradually eats at a person's self esteem.

3. He is still the same ambivalent person he was at the beginning of the relationship.

4. He will continue to be the same ambivalent person he was at the beginning of the relationship.

5. Five years from now he most likely will continue to be the same ambivalent person he was at the beginning of the relationship unless he gets some help.

6. I would try to go NC with him if at all possible. I know this will be tremendously difficult, but you need to try and break free of him because he is making you miserable with his ambivalence/mixed messages.

7. Try and develop a whole new circle of friends. Again, I know this won't be easy, but you will be so much better off in the long run.

8. Good luck, sweetie.

[endlesstrains]

Thanks for the reply.

 

My co-worker who is sick is coming back to work next week so after one more day of filling in (a day which my ex has off, so I won't see him) I won't be working there anymore except occasionally if someone gets sick, and during the 2-hours weekly period which is spent teaching students. So, that seems to be taking care of itself... I will no longer have a reason to see the ex... although he does work during the time that I come in for the 2 hours so I'll at least have to see him and say hi. Unfortunately there are a lot of resources there that I need to use so I'll have to come in other times, too...

 

Really the best thing that has happened to me in a long, long time was finding the place where I work and meeting the people that I met there, so it's really hard for me. I finally found a place where I felt like I belonged. And now I feel like he is tearing it away from me, and it makes me mad. I feel like I have every right to use it as much as I want and to see my friends as much as I want. And he's not purposely stopping me from it-- he says he wants me to keep doing what I've been doing. But like you pointed out, doing that makes NC impossible. So it's really hard.

 

I hope that me and the ex can be friends one day. But now is not the time for that. It's the time for healing... but it's hard when I do have to see him sometimes... I don't know what to do.

 

On a good note, since I am looking for a new job that offers me a great opportunity to meet new people and make new friends, i.e. whoever my coworkers end up being. It just sucks because I don't want to throw away my old friends. They are the first and only friends I have made in this town and it's really hard to be isolated again after finally feeling happy and fulfilled in my social life.

[endlesstrains]

It seems like the mornings are the hardest... (I dunno why, it's not like I always woke up next to him, and when I did he was usually about to leave...)

 

He keeps popping up in my dreams. Just here and there. Last night I dreamed that I comforted him when he was having problems with anxiety.

 

It's funny because only a couple weeks before we broke up he finally started to open up and admit that he had anxiety attacks sometimes (he had mentioned it before but made it sound like it was very rare.) And so I discovered that all those times I had gotten weird vibes from him and asked "are you alright?" and he had told me "yes" and so I had come away thinking I was paranoid and overly attentive, were actually times when he was having an anxiety attack. They were VERY well concealed but I could just tell... anyway I thought we had really crossed a barrier when he told me that, I was looking forward to being able to do something about it, to try and make him feel better, to comfort him. I have a really strong drive in general to comfort people and make them feel better which is another reason why isolation and no close friendships is so hard for me. I know that my ex had problems with anxiety, seasonal depression, and a lot of turmoil and hard decisions in his life lately and I wanted to be there for him, but I guess he decided I was one of the problems and so here we are today...

 

On a good note, some of our mutual friends called me last night to go out with them. Unfortunately I was at the movies when they called and so we missed getting together... but I'm glad they thought of me. I don't want to just disappear...

[endlesstrains]

Ok... so last night our team won the Super Bowl (guess it's no secret where I live) and I went out to see the college neighborhood rioting. My ex lives in the suburbs but was coming up to see the rioting too and we ended up meeting up (he was with a couple of his friends.) I know a lot of people here are probably shaking their heads when reading that... but we had a great time... and as friends, not as lovers... I don't know. I had been really debating whether or not to meet up with him (I ended up texting him to let him know I was there) but something that this breakup has taught me about myself is that I hold back too much, that I am afraid too much and that I let the world pass me by. I haven't made very many huge mistakes in my life due to action, but I have made many due to inaction. And I want to strive to be a more active person and to take opportunities that come at me. I'm really trying hard to just DO things without mulling over them for so long that they pass me right by. So I said, **** it, and hung out with my ex and his friends. And we had a good time, better than I would have had by myself. We all went to a bar after and the boundaries were pretty good, the ex did rub my leg once and then immediately apologized, saying "oops, force of habit", which I can understand, I wasn't offended. Somehow it really didn't hurt or upset me to be around him. Because yes, I loved him deeply. But I knew for a long time that we were not working as a couple, and a lot of things he did really pissed me off. We always had a great frienship but when it came down to the details of a romantic relationship, we had problems. I don't know if it's a really bad idea to stay friends with him. I'm sure everyone here will say that it is. But it's what feels right to me, right now... and I'm trying to trust my own instinct more... even if it is wrong. I'm young and have lots of time to make mistakes... I feel like maybe I should make a few more. I don't feel like I've lived my life to the fullest and I always regret it. Now I want to do that and one thing that came of it was last night...

 

Only the end of the night was a little awkward, but still not too bad... he had parked by my apartment so that his car wouldn't get hurt (a few people were smashing in windshields and things further into the neighborhood.) So we all walked back there and went into my apartment briefly so the others could use the bathroom. My ex told them to go start the car and we had a couple minutes alone. If it had been me I don't know that I would have set it up to have any time alone with him, but whatever, he did. We hugged each other (decidedly not a romantic hug though, like a friendly hug, without even thinking about it was patting his back and stuff like I would for a friend-hug but not a romantic one) and he said that he had missed me, etc. (I assume by this he meant missing my company, not the relationship.) I asked him how we was doing and he paused and said "...alright." And then some inconsequential words passed between us, I don't really remember what. At one point he said "I don't want to get your hopes up or anything" which seems like kind of a dick move but at this point I've gotten used to the weird way he phrases everything so I know that what he meant by that was something like "hey I don't want you to think me hugging you and being here with you means I want to get back together." And I knew that already, I hadn't been having any thoughts that he wanted to. And then he said that he wanted to kiss me but he knew he shouldn't, and I said "yeah, I probably shouldn't even be touching you right now," and thankfully we didn't kiss (although it got kind of halfway there.) After that he left because he said he didn't want to end up kissing me. Understandable. He also said he didn't want to end up crying because his friends would see him... aww . Although it seems like an interaction that would set me back, I feel fine. I care for him but it feels like more of a friendly concern... of course I still have love for him... but I think it is turning into friend love and also the kind of "motherly" (not sure what else to call it) love that I feel for friends and close people who are having a hard time. I don't know. I just thought I'd post this here... I know the advice will be to sever, NC, etc., but I feel like I want to ride this train for a while and see where it goes... maybe it will crash and burn, but, at least I can say I rode the train and wasn't too afraid to hop on.