Nikki Sahagin Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Hi everyone. Thanks in advance to anyone that is reading this! I apologise if it may sound confusing at parts but in my mind I am so confused myself. My emotions and my thoughts are basically at odds with each other. It's a heart VS head situation. And it is making me miserable. I feel depressed...but i'm not sure if it has any real basis or if it is just situational. I've been with my boyfriend for coming up to 2 years. When we met we had a mindblowing connection. We were instant friends and had so much honesty, openness and trust with one another. I've never felt such a unique and intense connection like it. Prior to meeting him I suffered from agrophobia and anxiety and amazingly, this person gave me the strength and self-confidence to break through these things. He helped me find myself. I believe this wholeheartedly. I felt so safe and loved by him. As friends we were forever there for each other and as i've said, i've never felt a connection like it in my life. It was like a kind of...Romeo and Juliet, struck by lightning kind of feeling. I honestly believe it's not possible for me to feel this again for someone else. I think it was a once in a lifetime thing - just the intensity of it. It felt kind of like it was pre-destined for me to meet this person. Bare in mind to this point we were just friends and though he expressed interest in me, I was scared. I'd never had a boyfriend before and I held off. He began going out with a friend of mine and whilst he was with her - we kissed. I'm not making any 'excuses' for my behaviour. I know I had no right to kiss him. But I can honestly say, I felt at the time NO GUILT. I acted selfishly because I LOVED HIM. I do believe things can 'just happen' - purely because you act through ignorance. I was in love with him and so in my world at the time, she didn't matter, nor did the fact we kissed - (neither initiaited it, we just simutaneously did it). As I said I felt no guilt. I felt a weird kind of Romeo and Juliet thing as I said. Almost like she was just another obstacle in the tragedy of our love affair. And I didn't feel guilt because they didn't love each other or anything like that - so I didn't feel I was breaking any hearts. I know this is all 'justification' but i'm just trying to get across that at the time I felt I was doing nothing wrong and felt not a shred of guilt. I was too caught up in me and him and didn't stop to think or worry about anything else (a mistake I won't make again, i've learnt from that). He broke up with her after 4 months, all the while me waiting and agonising. He said he loved me but couldn't break up with her for nothing and so let it run its course. All the while I wondered if I was being taken for a fool waiting for him - but my heart was just so stuck. I was so miserable I didn't eat or do anything. I just literally felt the sole focus of my life was him. So I did wait. I suffered and suffered with this kind of limbo - this promise of being with a person but no guarantee of when and finally we were together. We both kept it secret so as not to step on the toes of his ex or anyone else but this made things difficult between us. We had to pretend we kind of weren't together, but when we were together, which was always, it was amazing. It was incredible just being with him. As I say, so intense. I felt I was in true love. I can't put it into words. Though I felt so in love with him, I began to feel insecure because of how we got together. I had harboured bitterness and anger through having had to wait for him. And I took this out on him in meaningless ways. I would take boys numbers in front of him, honestly not because I liked them, but because I wanted him to feel a pang of the hurt he had caused me. I know this was incredibly immature but again, i've learnt from this and wouldn't do it again. It also caused problems for us understandably but at the time thats what I wanted. We got through this. As I said I learnt from it. I apologised. We put all those immature, silly things behind us. Another problem was when I went on the pill. I became very hormonal and depressed and even at one point suicidal. He stuck with me through this and was very supportive but when I was 'back to my old self' he then took all that pent up frustration and stress out on me...much as I had on him at the beginning. Again we got through this and things were fine. We saw each other all the time. And you could say our relationship was quite unhealthy. We just saw constantly. Until he got a new job with crazy hours. We were forced to see less and this was a big adjustment. I struggled with it more than he did. He said he felt liberated and independent being away at work and needed time to find himself again and reconnect with his friends. I felt threatened by this and didn't deal with it well. One week after not having seen all week, he asked me to go to his house and broke up with saying he felt suffocated and pressurised by me and needed to find who he was again. The breakup was confusing as he still emailed me asking to be friends and contacted me on msn saying he loved me, missed me, felt like killing himself, felt sick to think of me with others, didn't know he'd made the right decision, felt he'd lost himself even more etc. All the while I went no contact. I replied only to the email to wish him the best and on msn to say we could perhaps in the future be friends. Then I went NC and went through hell. The most suffering I have ever felt. I went out and kept busy but couldn't eat, sleep. I just felt like I wanted to die. Then one night I went out and he turned up. He wasn't meant to go so I think he found a message i'd left on a friends wall of his who'd asked me if I was going. He came straight up to me, tried to hug me and asked who I was. I was in shock at seeing him and having had a history of anxiety felt I might have a panic attack. As such I said hi and not much more. And he said he'd clearly made me feel uncomfortable and left. He then text me saying if I wanted to stop for a talk later, to give him a text. I probably shouldn't have...but I was curious and highly confused and so I did. We got a cab to my house and walked around my area for 2/3 hours just talking. It was such a strange experience. I still felt he loved me. I still felt our connection. We hugged goodbye and I could tell he wanted to kiss me but I refused it to happen. This repeated the next night. He was where I was again and we spoke around my area. The third time this occured we went back to his, agreed to get back together, but slowly and regretably, had sex. I woke up the next morning feeling an unusual combination of happiness and sickness. I was scared he may be using me. But no next morning he reassured me we would get back together, just slowly, so as not to go back to our old problems...and slowly but surely...we did. Anyway we were back together. Things were going well. I thought we were meant to be as we found each other again. But he is still at work...and his job is making it difficult. At the moment he is working everyday but I feel even when he has som free time after work, he doesn't plan to see me. We are going away in March so there's no question of me breaking up with him before the holiday but I feel he is not putting the effort into the relationship at the moment. I know he is busy at work and I am being understanding, but I do not feel he is understanding things from MY side. I do not WANT to break up with him as I love him with my entire heart. He is the first person that's really, truly taught me how to love. It's not immature love either. I know it's true and real. I would never hurt him. I've learnt so much and grown so much. My capacity to love has grown and i'm amazed at how deeply I can care for another human being. I know I am mature enough to love him and make our relationship a priority. But at the moment i'm not sure he is. It may be BECAUSE of his work but I partly see it as an excuse because if someone or something is important to you, you can always make the time! This is more of a rant than anything but thankyou if you've shared my story by reading to the end. That means a lot:)
Recommended Posts