dlj Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I am soooo lost and scared. I don't know what to do. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Last Thursday evening, my boyfriend and I had an argument. (He came home in an angry and bitter mood. Dinner conversation was of how he told everone off today at work and how fed up he was.) We argued about something a little bit stupid, something that could have been talked about, however he was in no mood. (I should have been understanding of the bad day he was having) But no, because he was ignoring me and acting like he didn't care I got angry. We argued, it went nowhere. I ended up telling him that he could find another place to live. He went and took a shower, then came to me and apologized...I apologized too and we talked. I thought everything was ok. He then said no it wasn't, he had been forced out. I told him no, I didn't mean it and I thought us apologizing and talking about it made everything ok. He said no, I've been forced out and walked away. He din't want to talk, he had said how it was, period. (This is where I should have again left it alone, but I was scared he really meant it) I got mad and told him if he was leaving then he could leave now. I asked him to give me the house key and he wouldn't. He left with only one bag of work stuff cause that's all he packed. On Friday, he called me around 8:30 pm and I could tell he had been drinking. He was in a cocky, arrogant mood. Still full of hatred as he was the day before when we argued. I asked him what he wanted. He asked if he could pick up some clothes for the weekend. I told him no at first, then told him okay, but I would call him with a time because I needed time to pack it and I wanted someone here with me when he came. He asked why we could'nt handle this like adults. I said, you're right and apologized for the way I had acted, but I was hurt. He was still cocky, so I said I didn't want to talk to him like this, said goodbye and hung up. He called back at 2:30 am (he knew I was up, I'm a night-hawk). He again went on rudely asking me questions. What questions?, I can't remember cause it's a blur now. But he did get angry and tell me that he left me, I told him, no I kicked your sorry ass out. He then told me he doesn't love me and I can't hurt him. (the truth is - he left me). He then told me to take my rent money (I'm his accountant) and throw out all of his stuff, and that he didn't care if his car was banged up or scratched - he doesn't give a damn. I hung up - he was soooo rude and mean - I was getting scared because I have never seen him like this, ever!). I thought for a minute, then called him back and told him that I would put his stuff in his car (parked in my driveway) and he could pick it up at his leisure. He told me, fine, whatever and threw in a F**k You and he hung up on me. Saturday morning about 11:30 am, he showed up. He called my cell and my house phone and I didn't pick up. He then came to the door and rang the doorbell. I was scared of him because of the way he was speaking to me the night before so I slept in the living room so I could hear if he came in (remember he wouldn't give the house key back) and I put a dresser (his empty dresser) in front of the main door. I also put a large handwritten sign on the door saying that he no longer had any right to enter this house or he would be charged with break and enter. (I know.....I think I may have overeacted but I really was scared. I had never seen this side of him before). Anyways, he rang the doorbell and then left. I think he read the sign. He was in his car....but took nothing. He then drove away in his work vehicle. Saturday night at about 12:30 am, I texted him and told him I was sorry and that I loved him and said, please come home. About 2:30 am I sent another similiar text. Oh, I also left a voice mesage saying how sorry I was. I received no response. Sunday around 5:30 pm, he comes with his soon-to-be brother in law, to pick up his car. I watch in the window, he looks at me twice with kind of an angry look. After he drove away, about 10 minutes later, I called his cell, he didn't pick up. Sunday evening, I called again, no answer. I called from a private number and he picked up and talked for a minute then hung up. He sounded sad. I asked him if he was moving on and he said no. (He is staying at his sisters and has no privacy, I think that's why he hung up). 2 minutes later, his mom calls me and while we are talking, he calls my cell, then my home number. I didn't answer cause I was talking to his mom and thought that because he was calling me I could call back and he would answer. I called him back and he didn't answer so I left a message, "Sorry I missed your call, call me back." I really thought he would call me back. No call back. Monday, he sends me an email asking me not to talk to his family or friends. I call him (private number) he picks up - I say, Why don't you call me instead of emailing? He hangs up on me. I call 3 more times, cause I am steaming. No answer. So, I leave a message apologizing for talking to his mom. Tuesday, I receive a crazy meaningless text. You tell me what this means - "All to myself. Mmmm I like". I didn't respond. Wednesday, I receive another email - "we need to talk about this via e-mail or skype - your choice". I left this one till Thursday afternoon and responded via email, "Hey, sorry I missed you last night. Call me or email." and closed it with, "I miss you." Thursday, he sends another email saying, "I'm not sure how you want to deal with what we have going on, but i will let you decide how we should work this out." I am not sure what this means so I didn't respond. Friday, another email - "hey I don't know what you are thinking or if you are avoiding me but I think that we really need to work this out. We need to figure out how and when i can get the rest of my belongings from your house." "it really hurts me that we have become people that cannot even talk things over, we always jump to the worst possible outcome and end up hurting each other worse than we want." "as I said before, for what it's worth I am sorry." I haven't responded to this one either. I just received it awhile ago and am really confused. It seems like he is putting a lot of thought into these emails in order to make me confused. I think he knows how I feel and that I want him back. But, judging by the emails, it appears that he doesn't. He will not call me! Why? I suspect that he won't call because he doesn't want to hear my voice. For what reason? Either, he thinks I'm mad and doesn't want to argue or if he hears my voice, it will remind him that he loves me?? I'm scared and I'm still really hurt. I want him back but don't know what to do. Oh yeah! In one of the messages I left him on Sunday night when he wouldn't answer was, "I need some closure. I told your Mom that I can bring the rest of your stuff to her house." So, he has that message and he knows that it's an option. So why email me and tell me we need to fix this? Why not say, ok, drop it off at my Mom's like you offered? He is being very deceptive. PLEASE HELP ME! He's sending these crazy messages and I don't know what they mean. I love him and want him back. We have had arguments in the past (we have been together 8 1/2 years) but we always fix things in a couple of days max! By fix, I mean that we talk about things and come to agreements - not just make up and screw. I have been reading these forums and I think I'm doing the right thing with N/C or at least I'm trying. But.....do I take his things to his Moms? Do I let him come over to pick them up? Do I keep ignoring him? Do I give up? Any responses at all will be so greatly appreciated! Please help me, I'm a wreck! I've never felt so scared and lost.
lofi_tokyo Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Heya DLJ! I think it is probably best to leave his stuff at his mom's house. By the sounds of it, there are still a lot of emotions being felt on both sides of this break-up, and perhaps it is too soon for a face-to-face encounter. Maybe your ex is writing e-mails over calling because hes trying to be more... exact in what he says? On the phone or in person it is really easy to just spill out emotion rather than saying things intelligently. If you leave his stuff at his mom's place then he is getting his stuff back as requested without the risk of another fight. If he continues to contact you afterwards, THEN maybe it would be okay to break contact and see if you and him can sort things out and see if getting back together is an option. If he does want you back, if he wants to work on the problems on your relationship so as to build a strong one for the future, then he needs to be able to talk about the real issues between you two, rather than superficial ones such as getting his stuff. If in contacting you about his things, he is hoping to make contact on a deeper level, then he needs to be able to step up to the plate, and give you a sincere conversation. Its possible that yes, in asking for his things, he is really just looking for an excuse to break NC. I guess my point is... if you and him are really going to fix things, there shouldn't need to be an excuse to talk about things. Should he be looking to get back together, then he needs to approach you honestly, without the guise of some alternate agenda. After 8.5 years, I think both of you deserve to have an honest and open discussion about what happened, rather than a conversation where both of you are forced to read into the sub-text of eachothers actions. Anyways. Sorry if this is long and drawn out. I like to think I normally give decent advice, but I had quite a bit to drink earlier this evening, so it is entirely possible that right now I'm being a bit incoherent in my explanations. :S (Its 7am here and I can't sleep) In the end, please bear in mind regardless of HOW he gets his things back, there is a possibility that all he really wants is his ****. Hes not looking to fix things, he is just looking to get his things back. If that is the case, then there isn't much you can do but give him his stuff, step out of his life as he has left you, and begin to move on. Thats a reality a lot of us here at LS eventually have to come to face - though we initially post on the second chances forums looking to get our ex's back, time eventually shows us, we must move on. Keep us posted on how things turn out!!
Author dlj Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Hi tokyovogue, Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, I agree that emotions are high, with me anyways. And he has a right to be angry - I threw him out of his own home. I am still praying that we get back together, however I am grateful for this week as it has opened my eyes to see what a monster I have been. Yes, me. I have been insecure for awhile now and have needed everything to be my way, including the way that disagreements were handled. I have had my eyes opened up big time!! I have always loved this guy from day 1 and have taken him forgranted in many ways because of my insecurities. Now, I'm not taking all the blame here though, because these insecurities were brought on partially by him but I still could have controlled them and not always feared the worse. Communication is key! We need to talk and say how we feel. I have been really good at that, however I tend to go on and on and he gets bored and just starts to humour me and agree. I like to not go to bed angry because it only builds up. He, on the other hand does not communicate well. He would like to sweep everything under the mat and forget it without talking or his concerns are yelled at me in an argument and I don't take them to heart because of the circumstances - which now I know that I should have. Not good. This morning I answered his texts and one of his emails. I'm still thinking about how to respond to the last email. I'm responding because he deserves it and I want to start now and let him be in control? or should I say - I don't need to be in control all of the damn time. He asked a question, I'll answer it. "It is what it is". I don't know what that is at this point, however I believe that if I go with the flow, I will be happier. I'm going to stop fighting this. I know in my heart that we are meant to be, he just deserves a better me and I deserve a better him. I believe that we know our shortcomings and are (at least I am) able to have faith together to make this work. I have to tell myself that he's coming home and on his terms, not mine. I'll finish up that last emai response and await his contact. I hope he calls! and wants to see me! The reason I'm sounding a little strong is because I'm reading his confusing last email. I don't understand it but someway I'm seeing hope in it )
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