Sandy223 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 ... couldn't find them in a scientific journal ... heard less than 10% ... then I just looked up this phrase on the web: "MY husband left me for another woman" ... and a million results came up ... probably the same, if not more, than came up when I was looking for statistics from the OW's point of view ... e.g., when you look up something like "do MM ever leave for thier mistress" ... the responses overwhelmingly come up with no, and then go on to bash the betrayers ... anyway ...
NoIDidn't Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 The most commonly used stat states that only 10% of married men leave for the OW. Of that 10% only 25% of them marry her. And of that 25% only 3% would still be married at the 5 year mark. HTH
OWoman Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 The most commonly used stat states that only 10% of married men leave for the OW. Of that 10% only 25% of them marry her. And of that 25% only 3% would still be married at the 5 year mark. HTH The limitations of that study have been discussed ad infinitum on this forum, most recently on this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t176583 (but if you do a search on "statistics" and pick out those in this forum, you'll find several other earlier threads about this). Short answer - there are no reliable stats because there have been no (proper, rigorous, scientific) studies of this. The studies that there have been have either been small and anecdotal (often demonstrating extreme bias) or have been of something else entirely, with conclusions drawn (by others, not necessarily the authors) suggesting that their data predicts x% will do A B or C. If you want anecdotal evidence on MM who leave for OW, you'll find plenty of that here (both ways). There are many threads of those OW whose MMs haven't (or have yet to) left, and some whose have, as well as some MM who've left and are now with the fOW who pop in from time to time.
jj33 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Sandy part of the problem is that it is not properly reported. Many people dont ever admit to their spouses or anyone else that they left for the OW. Many people will never admit that they were involved in an affair so there is no way to know that the A existed and the MM didnt leave. If you are making your decision with regard to your own situation all you need to know is that the deck is stacked against you. Even if its 20%, which I dont think it is, you know your situation better than anyone. Hoping against hope and waiting for years is not the answer.
Author Sandy223 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Hi ... as a follow up, I did more research last night, and there is a study currently being conducted on this ... the study involves questionnaires and interviews being conducted by a psychiatrist .... they are asking BS who's husband suddenly left them out of the blue for an OW. The study is a work in progress, but the preliminary finding of Wife Abandonment Syndome is that they leave after years of a seemingly good marraige, and out of the blue for another woman who they end up marrying. The say the most common examples happen in decades long marraiges where the couple is at mid-life, and they don't necessarily leave for a younger woman... It's a case where the man has been out of love with his spouse, although he loves her, but hasn't gotten his emotional needs met for years ... he just puts on a happy face and keeps the marraige intact... they say these men are weak, because they like the safety of the marraige and often want to find someone else to share their lives with before they leave it ... ... so, everything seems fine at home; they don't discuss any problems, they don't seek counseling ... his emotional needs just aren't being met, but are not really addressed .. and then one day, out of the blue, he just ups and leaves, with apparently no warning and not a very good explanation... ... according to the study, this is more common than people think ... instead of asking the OW or cheating husband to participate in the study, these cases are being profiled from the point of view of the BS ... and how the man just left one day and filed quickly ... and in all of these cases, there was a girlfriend... ... anyway, I am exploring this issue because obviously I am involved with an MM and am curious ... I am not hoping against hope because I don't know what is going to happen ... but, I was looking for statistics out there that showed the flip side of the coin ... after all, how many other woman, who now have their man, would come forward to participate in a study saying how their situation worked in their favor? None. If your story ends up good for you, it is very unlikely that you would reveal that you were the OW first. ... as far as I am concerned, yes, I am in love, but I am treading lightly .... I feel in control of the situation, and am dating other men. I only let him see me once a week or once every other week because I don't want this taking over my life..... at this point, it is adding to my life. I love the time that we spend together; I feel happy when I am with him, and happy when I am not ... I am just trying to make sense of this all ... .. I know that weather or not he ultimately leaves is up to him; so I am just enjoying being with him and whatever will be will be ... yes, I do hope he comes for me, but i am not betting on it ... he/this is just one aspect of my life that may or may not end up becoming more meaningful.
smarterthanbefore Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 As far as the statistics go, jj is right, it is under reported. So many people ashamed of being involved in an affair won't admit how they met. They make something up. But I work with a marriage councler, and I can tell you that MM very rarely leave the wife. If they do, it is usually cause the wife won't take them back. When MM and OW marry, they usually divorce within 3-5 years. To many issues, especially trust. And usually the MM or OW do cheat eventually. I'm only telling you what I SEE every day at work. The deck is extremely stacked against the union of a MM and OW having a successful relationship. They usually have family issues, not to many stepkids happy that dad's OW is now the stepmom, and MM friends usually split between him and Wife, which causes alot of distress. MM loses a lot in divorce, and OW get resentful that her paycheck is now going to help him Pay Ex-wife alimony and child support. LOTS of ISSUES.
OWoman Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 The deck is extremely stacked against the union of a MM and OW having a successful relationship. They usually have family issues, not to many stepkids happy that dad's OW is now the stepmom, and MM friends usually split between him and Wife, which causes alot of distress. MM loses a lot in divorce, and OW get resentful that her paycheck is now going to help him Pay Ex-wife alimony and child support. LOTS of ISSUES. Hmm. Sounds very unlike my situation. My fiance's kids are very happy to have a proper family at lasts, and "their" friends are all ours, so no split there. He's lost nothing - in fact, has more money now that she's not a drain on it, and she'd be paying US alimony and child support if we hadn't said we didn't want it!
Meaplus3 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Forget the statistics lets look at the facts. The mm has an OW on the side. He's not 100% happy at home so this is where the other woman comes in to fill the void in the marriage. Now the married man still has a w at home to cook for him.. do his wash.. take care of his kids if he has any, walk the family dog and so on and so on. The MM is comfortable so why leave that? Most would not and will not want to give up all that familar stuff and start a whole new life that's filled with the unknown. Plus, a divorce is costly now a days. Make Sense? Mea:)
Author Sandy223 Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 Of course it makes sense; but, people have and do leave. I actually personally know of at least two people that it happened to ... my friend was married with two small children ... they looked happy to the free world, obviously, something was wrong... they got divorced, and he is remarried in less than one year? hmmmmmm.... no one knows for sure, but a bit suspicious. Also, in HS, my friends father got remarried, again .... less than a year after the divorce? My friend said her dad took her and her sister out to dinner to tell them about his decision to remarry ... and we all suspected some kind of an affair ... who get's "remarried" not just engaged, but remarried, less than a year after the divorce???? No, I am not hanging my hat on any of these with respect to my situation, but I am not painting it with the negative, it could never happen brush either..... I am enjoying being with him ... I am not playing the waiting game, I am going on with my life, and this thing will run it's course one way or the other .... ... being in the situation, however, of course I am curious about this topic. If it was meant to be, it will be ... as trite as that sounds ... but that is all I can say.
datura_noir Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 The brother of the OW in my situation, is with his "OW", I knew and still know his girlfriend before the OW, and never thought much of it. She happened to walk in on them in bed, after he promised to marry her. She is now happily married, and the other couple is struggling with (his) infidelity. Karma, can you say? I wish no harm on anyone, only that they receive what they have dealt....
datura_noir Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Really, what difference does it make? If they leave, they still carry all of the baggage they have been toting with them, only now the OW or whoever will have to deal. And, therapy is not always an epiphany for most folks..so you are giving yourself the gift of a permanent patient/test subject..... But,we always hope against hope for the very best:rolleyes:
Meaplus3 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 If it was meant to be, it will be ... as trite as that sounds ... but that is all I can say. Yup. And IMO this holds true for any OW Or OM. Best of luck. Mea:)
OWoman Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Really, what difference does it make? If they leave, they still carry all of the baggage they have been toting with them, only now the OW or whoever will have to deal. And, therapy is not always an epiphany for most folks..so you are giving yourself the gift of a permanent patient/test subject..... But,we always hope against hope for the very best:rolleyes: I've yet to meet anyone without baggage - and the older we are, the more we carry. Unless one is going to date toddlers, baggage is part of the deal.
SerenityX2 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 I've yet to meet anyone without baggage - and the older we are, the more we carry. Unless one is going to date toddlers, baggage is part of the deal. True, but you generally will have wanted that person to deal with their baggage which takes time and introspection. If the kind of guy being profiled is a description of Sandy's MM then she's in for a very rocky road. What self respecting woman would want a guy that can dupe his wife into believing he's happy while plotting something else entirely and then just up and leaving without a decent explanation basically blindsiding that spouse? Not including abused spouses...different mindset. That's a cruel guy to "pretend" he's happy instead of doing the honorable thing in leaving. That's a weak conflict avoidant guy.....who wants that? Unless he addresses his issues with much counseling, he's going to be bringing all that to the next r'ship. And many times that guy goes back to the wife even after a year or two, because he's truly wishy-washy. I also think that it's dangerous to think that you can be falling in love with one guy and continue to date others and claim you're not vested in the outcome, once your heart is taken....it's taken. You can date others, but once falling in love takes place I don't see how it's possible to stay open to others, and if it's not reciprocated from this MM, heartbreak awaits. If a a guy is falling in love. He's going to tell her in words and many actions, not hold back until he has his ducks in a row. It's sticking your head in the sand to believe otherwise. There's no perfect timeline to leave. If it's kids graduating, then it'll be one of them getting married, then grandkids, it'll always be something. Before I met my husband I had certain requirements of the guys I dated, one of which that they had to be divorced for a certain length of time in order to heal. I dated guys that I needed bandaids and glue and I wasn't walking into that anymore. Being divorced myself, when I dated SG's they were clueless for my needs in a marriage, I also preferred someone that had a child or children, again that whole clueless thing for my needs. Not saying there aren't decent SG's out there but many times a guy past 45 and never married.....well that spells trouble too most times. Regardless though the baggage had to be dealt with as mine was. I wanted a whole and happy within himself guy. I was coming into the r'ship happy with myself first and healed, I expected nothing less in order to have a successful marriage. I don't believe "most" people can enter a new r'ship without time and space to heal and get over the previous one, it's just not healthy to be a r'ship monkey, not letting go of one until you have another. That kind of r'ship is going to be filled with much disillusionment and frustration trying to deal with him. For the OP this is of course IME, YMMV.
InvisibleGirl Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 I'm sorry but statistics as to how many leave/don't leave are going to do nothing for your cause. A person does not change because of who they are with, they are who they are. If they are doing it for you they will do it to you and thats the truth, you are not nearly as special as they have told you you are...
norajane Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 ... as far as I am concerned, yes, I am in love, but I am treading lightly .... I feel in control of the situation, and am dating other men. I only let him see me once a week or once every other week because I don't want this taking over my life..... at this point, it is adding to my life. I love the time that we spend together; I feel happy when I am with him, and happy when I am not ... I am just trying to make sense of this all ... .. I know that weather or not he ultimately leaves is up to him; so I am just enjoying being with him and whatever will be will be ... yes, I do hope he comes for me, but i am not betting on it ... he/this is just one aspect of my life that may or may not end up becoming more meaningful. Happy? Enjoying this? In control? What has changed since your post at the end of December: ... well ... he cannot ... if I let him, it will be a license for him to walk all over me ... at that point I will have zero self esteem and a harder way out. That is a no win situation for me. He already has a wife ... let him figure that relationship out ... or let him get another mistress ... one that he can just do as he pleases with ... sure, this whole thing hurts A LOT ... but ... I have booked my little spa trip ... made plans with some good friends, and will use this time to heal and get stronger in moving forward.I guess the spa trip didn't help you move forward? You seem to be right back in it and have forgotten that he did not get you a gift and while you were at the spa, he was enjoying the holidays with his family. What has changed that you are now happy and in control?
InvisibleGirl Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 When you hold on to the hope that he maybe he will leave one day ask yourself if he is really THAT unhappy at home and his wife is so terrible and all the other things he says and he loves you so much ask yourself well then where is he?
SerenityX2 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Happy? Enjoying this? In control? What has changed since your post at the end of December: I guess the spa trip didn't help you move forward? You seem to be right back in it and have forgotten that he did not get you a gift and while you were at the spa, he was enjoying the holidays with his family. What has changed that you are now happy and in control? NJ I totally agree and hope maybe she will look within herself for those true answers. I fear as many other OW on here though that she's in denial. Sandy I remember the Christmas thing too and hoped you saw enough of the destruction of lives on here and were enlightened....but alas you seem to be in denial at least at this stage and it's very dangerous and it only gets deeper from what I've witnessed. You're caught up in affair fog feelings, it's truly clouding reality. I have no clue how to quote from a previous thread but I was a bit stunned to read, that in essence you have no clue if he loves you, but believes he must and if that's what you wants to believe perhaps you should?! Don't you see how very bad for your self esteem this is going to be with that sort of fantasy indulging thinking? Well as someone else said, somewhere else, perhaps you being on this forum and what you've learned will somehow take the sting out of the inevitable. If you're ever in anxiety and frustration over broken plans and promises in the coming months Sandy, remember it's your choice....not some fateful meeting. I think this was thrown in your path to trip you up and you're falling for it. If something seems off, it usually is.
SerenityX2 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Sandy... Please understand I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm trying to wake you up to what others on the outside are seeing. Just b/c I've never been an OW, and before I became happily married I dated my share of boneheads, and I recognize the slip in self esteem b/c I've been there. That's why I took time out from dating before meeting my husband to come up with my "absolutes" and my dealbreakers, but first I had to fix me and figure out why I kept meeting these seemingly charming men but inevitably had me accepting less and less "thinking" I was happy, till I woke up. I've seen it here too many times, OW come here with certain expectations and suddenly he's treating her with less respect and what should she do? Against the advice of the posters, she continues to slip down that slope of being disrespected until their self esteem is clearly crushed b/c they can't even do the healthy thing of leaving when something is so soul destroying. I see that in your story, I'm sorry but I do. You can find better out there, but not before you completely eradicate this toxicity from your life, otherwise it will poison and influence your decisions. I wish you the best in finding your strength, it's there have faith, place that faith where you know it should be, not where the giddy feelings take you.
jj33 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 I would have to agree. By the time you are looking for statistics to justify hangng on... And dont even try to say that you are not hanging on - you are If you were happy with what was going on you would have no interest in the statistics. If you need statistics then you are somewhere you shouldnt be. he MAY leave one day but its unlikely. So what do you have to gain by staying? He knows you, he knows how to find you if he leaves? By staying and hoping he goes, then what will you gain? You shouldnt need to audition staying with him longer so he can see how great you are is not the key to him leaving.
Author Sandy223 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Hi all ... unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the day of the week) ... he ended up getting me a lovely pair of pearl and diamond earrings for christmas .... he said he wanted to make the "pact" to throw me off, because he really didn't want me getting him anything ... ... so, here we go again! The spa trip was wonderful, and much needed ... my little nervous breakdown at christmas made me, personally, stronger ... I came back refreshed and new .... my latest decision now, is to at least TRY to put this into prospective .... no, I have no idea if he will ever leave, I have no idea if he "loves" me ... but I know that I enjoy spending time with him ... and I have decided (since I am obviously too weak at this point to walk away or make an affirmation) that I will spend less time with him, and use those enjoyable feelings to fuel the other areas of my life positively .... ... Yes, I do see what you are all seeing, but I am fortunate enough to have good friends around me (and this board is very helpful too) ... I can honsestly say, when I am out on a date, or out with a friend, I do thoroughly enjoy my time ... I am not thinking about him, or where he is ... I think about that late at night, and when I am home alone and tired, and then my mind starts to wonder as I evaluate my life in it's entirety ... this situation inclucded.... ... I am getting stronger every day, but am not there yet re: walking away from him ... If I can delude (yes, there, I said it) ... myself into thinking I am not vested in the outcome, and enjoy the time I spend with him ... and in other areas of my life ... I think I will take myself out of any kind of "waiting position" .... if I allow my life and the things in it to evolve naturally, and to take their course, and to give every one I meet a fair shot ... in other words, judge my life by the moments (one day at a time), and spend my time with people who I enjoy (while limiting my time with him, who I also enjoy) .... then I will be giving myself a fair shot to find what I am looking for ... ... I can honestly say, and you may or may not believe me, that i really am a strong and confident woman, I am also not stupid, and know that I am taking a huge risk ... so ... I go back and forth ... I think this thing is going to have to run it's course, and I hope and pray that i am not a complete mess when all is said and done.... at this point, though, I am taking one day at a time, in all areas of my life ... taking a very zen approach to everything ... and giving myself every opportunity to find my mate, weather it be him or someone else ... ... at this point in my life, that is what I am looking for .... yes, he could be a contender, but there are others out there ... and, I happen to be a very open and warm woman ... I am very capable of letting someone else in ... and if I do, it's not like I would be cheating on the MM .. he has a wife!!!! The way I see it ... today at least ... is that he made his bed, he is in an unfaithful marraige ... I am not ... I am not stuck!!! I have opportunities that he does not have ... I actually have a shot at finding someone who is right for me ... .and, if it's supposed to be him, than it will be, and if it is not, it will be someone else .... ... also, it is not that I am out there desperately looking ... i have lots of friends, and know lots of people .. I only spend time with people who I enjoy ... the whole christmas thing really did throw me off ... but, I am glad that it happened ... it reminded me, that HE is not the only thing in my life ... then I got stronger, and now I am stabilized again (for now), taking each day at a time, and taking care of myself like I am my own child .... the way I see it now ... is, if he does not come for me, or come for me in time, then he LOSES me ... not the other way around ... he had his choice, and it won't be my problem that he didn't act fast enough, or act at all ... AND, if he loses me, then he was supposed to because there is someone better for me out there. That's all... ... so, he is not having his cake and eating it too .... he is not getting away with anything ... when I walk away he will be left with what he has now, and I will be in a much better position ... I am not giving any ultimatums, I am not getting into the "wait for my baby" situation .. I told him what I was looking for in my life, and I also told him that any decision he makes about his marraige has to do with him and her ... anyway .. thank you all for being here ... even those with harsh advice ... I am not kidding myself ... I know that the odds of this working out are slim to none, but I am still a wonderful and beautiful woman, and no one can take that away from me .... ... I have a full week coming up .... dinner with a friend on Monday, date on Tuesday, out with girlfriends on Wednesday and a party on Friday ... I made all of these plans last week, and told him last week that this coming week wasn't great for me .... then I booked myself solid! And, I have to say, I really am looking forward to all of my plans this week!! I am excited about everything that I am doing ... and, I also think, with this attitude (which I am going to kill myself to maintain) ... I will naturally end up moving away from him anyway ... things will basically unfold the way they are supposed to ... OK, that is it for now ... I am routing for myself.
SerenityX2 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Well Sandy, lovely on the gift but I was one that said you shouldn't leave for lack of gift, you should leave for the lack of respect. Gifts are really here nor there. You're going to do what you will. You sound like you have it all together ON THE OUTSIDE. No doubt taking care of the outside and feeling great about yourself when you look in the mirror and catch looks from the opposite sex is an ego booster, but it's a hollow victory. The real test is what's going on inside. I was also replying in part to something else that you said on the other thread about the "pain, anxiety and joy comes in different waves". That was only about a week ago, now you're great with everything. Sounds like the classic roller coaster. I only know love should NEVER involve pain or anxiety WITH or involving that person. From things that happen in life and the world, you bet....but your love should never be a source of pain or anxiety EVER. Good luck to you.
Recommended Posts