tlp73 Posted September 26, 2003 Posted September 26, 2003 My husband and I have been together since I was 16, I am now 30. We have 3 beautiful little girls together. Over the last year or so I feel that I have started to grow apart from my husband. I have always done for him and let him do whatever he wants(which doesn't bother me). Well I've started to do more for myself and he doesn't like it. He's usually out with his friends or out hunting or fishing, while I'm home with the kids (I don't mind because I love my kids). Now that I'm doing more he has become jealous and insecure. He said last night that it was because he doesn't want to lose me. I've been approached by friends of our's about the way he treats me in public (basically without respect). I guess I've had blinders on for the last 14 years. Anyway, last Friday I approached him with maybe separating for a while to see what the problem is (if it's him or me). He said to give him 1 month to change. I said o.k. Well Sunday I couldn't sleep, so I got on the computer. It was about 1230am when he noticed I wasn't in bed. I had been talking to a friend that's in Texas (she kind of know's what's been going on). Well when he walked in the room I exited out of the chat, which of course didn't make him happy. He automatically thinks I'm cheating on him. He also get's mad when I do things with my friends, especially when he's home. He thinks that if he's home, I should have to be there with him. I told him that I would give him his month. But I think I know in my heart that it's not going to make a difference. I have been talking to a friend of mine over the last 3 weeks. He notices alot when he's around us. He has to bite his tongue when my husband does or says something to me that is disrespectful. I have also grown real close to this individual over the last month or so and he has said the same to me. He has also said that the right thing to do is to give my husband a chance to change. Although from what he's seen it probably won't matter. I know that it will hurt both my husband and I if I decide to that he needs to leave. But I can't live with fighting or arguing everyday. It's not good for us or the kids. Please help!!!
moimeme Posted September 26, 2003 Posted September 26, 2003 Me, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try everything possible to save a relationship before quitting on it. I know that's not the way everybody feels, though. You could always try counselling. Some men really do change when faced with the thought of losing their wives. Some guys need a crisis to shake them out of their complacency. You've already sort of quit on the relationship but this growing apart is fairy recent. You got together when you were quite young. It would be normal for the relationship to change and grow as you each get older and change. You now want more autonomy. Perhaps a counsellor could help you both change your marriage so that it works to your satisfaction. You can always divorce if it doesn't work!
quankanne Posted September 26, 2003 Posted September 26, 2003 sounds like he's scared now that things are changing, and that you're going to want to leave him behind as you change. Especially since he probably realizes deep down your relationship hasn't been a balanced one. But don't give up hope because you have the option to go to counselling. Even if at then end of the sessions you have decided to end your marriage, you'll still learn a lot about yourself. Another thing I highly recommend is a Marriage Encounter (http://www.WWME.org), in which you and your husband spend a weekend together with a bunch of other couples learning the tools of communication needed to make your relationship better. My husband swears it's the best thing we've done for our marriage, and this is the same guy who was mulishly dragging his feet the first few times I brought it up. I think in another post, someone has mentioned "Marriage Builders," which sounds like it operates on the same premise as ME. There are a lot of good resources at hand to help you guys weather through this. Best of luck to y'all ....
Author tlp73 Posted September 26, 2003 Author Posted September 26, 2003 I agree with the counseling part. I've asked him over and over to go and his response is "what for". He doesn't think there's anything wrong, plus he doesn't like other people knowing about our relationship. I don't think I've totally given up on the marriage, I'm just not sure what else to try. I know he won't go to the marriage builders, etc... Thank you for your replies.
moimeme Posted September 26, 2003 Posted September 26, 2003 Some Marriage Builders spouses do the MB stuff on their own, which is also supposed to help. It's not a good sign that he doesn't want to get help. On the other hand, if you issue the ultimatum at some point (we get counselling or I'm out), it might do the trick. It's a last resort, though, because you have to follow through on the ultimatum if you make it.
Bird Posted September 30, 2003 Posted September 30, 2003 Get your butts into counseling. Don't let him out of it. You have to be firm, stand your ground. Gonna go out on a limb here - Sounds like you've let him do whatever he wants and that has probably created some boundary issues. All this time you've been saying "I don't care - do whatever," but guess what - NOW you care, and he's not used to that. Now I do not by any means want to suggest it's all your fault - that is obviously not the case. He sounds borderline abusive and that's much more important. But in terms of what you can do (besides get to counseling ASAP) for yourself - I'd say stand up to him - tell him what you want, tell him what you need, and tell him if you have a problem with something he is or isn't doing that you're not gonna tolerate it. He needs to see that you're a strong woman and won't let him push you around. THis other fella you're talking about - sounds to me like you're using him to function as "protector" for you - to put a wedge between you and your husband. I've noticed that when people begin to think about leaving their "significant other" they bring in a third party to serve as a wedge - start a crack - and tap away at that crack with the wedge till it gets so big that the relationship is broken. And so when the wedge has served it's purpose it is no longer useful - buhbye. Sounds like he'll support you, but don't get him involved - and please don't use him - don't make him the wedge. Sounds like his heart is involved, so you don't want to lead him on. You and your husband need to work this out between yourselves - leave this guy out of it. It's OK to explore your feelings for the other guy, though. You need to figure out what is making you feel close to him - is it because you've got the hots for him or is it because he's being supportive in a time of need? You need to be real clear with this guy as to what the boundaries of your relationship are with him - otherwise he may get the impression that you are considering him over your husband. If you have problems with your husband, don't got to the other guy - go to your husband and say "look - I've got a problem with this and we ARE going to talk about it." Again, I would strongly recommend marriage counseling because it looks like he's got a lot of work to do and will need help identifying what that is and how to do it - that goes for you, too. Don't let him pull that "give me a chance to change" stuff - that's just an excuse to get out of doing any real work; a month will come and go and still same ole' Harry. Say to him "No - let's make the change together - let's work on this real hard and make sure it happens - and lets enjoy doing it." Think of it as a time to take your relationship to a new level.
Author tlp73 Posted September 30, 2003 Author Posted September 30, 2003 Well it happened, he moved out Saturday and in with my parents of all people. I had taken the kids bowling (they bowl in league) Sat a.m. and then a friend had asked then if they wanted to go play putt-putt. I gave them the choice to go watch daddy play softball or go play putt-putt. Their choice was putt-putt, when I told them I was going to stay home and do some housework, they got upset and one of them starting crying. So I ended going with them. Well I told our friend that I was going to get in trouble and sure enough I did. On our way back we had 3 calls on the cell phone, 2 my father and 1 my husband. When I got home my father was here and they proceeded to tell me that I needed to get my head on straight and think about what I'm doing. I told them that just because I'm friends with someone doesn't mean I'm sleeping with them. They told me appearances mean everything. Then my own dad threatened my career (I'm active duty military). He then said that my husband was going to move in with them for awhile. My spouse then said "I can't believe your doing this to us". I told him that one of the reasons we're having problems is the trust issue (he doesn't trust me). Well he ended up packing up and leaving (I showed no emotion at all). As he was leaving he told the kids that this is mommy's desicion, this is what she want's. He called later Sat night and after him pushing me, I finally told him that I love him but I'm not IN love with him. Just so everyone knows, I've already started the steps for counseling. He has to make the appt and get the auth#, because he's the civilian spouse. So now it's up to him. After talking to him yesterday he told me that he called this friend of ours and asked what was going on, he now believes that we are just friends. I told him "that's nice you believe him, but not your own wife". After talking for about 10min he told me that I needed to seek professional help maybe the DR could explain how I fell out of love with him.
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