Should I tell him I know?

[mc1]

My husband has had a lot of female friends before that I've never had issues with, but her recently made a new "friend" and things felt different. He also became much more secretive, distant from me, and a sudden disinterest in sex. After a couple months he finally left his computer on one day so I could look at it and found chats bewteen him and the other girl... he was definitely cheating. He talked to her about thinkgs he wouldn't discuss with me and they had sex several times a week. They even discussed running away together, but he told her he wasn't ready yet.

 

He stopped actually seeing her and started to talk to me again and has really been trying again to make our relationship work. A few days ago I saw messages between them where he told her that since she decided she couldn't wait for him to be ready and she was going to move on, he would try to make things work with us... but that she would always be his "soulmate." They still talk every day too.

 

 

I still love him and think things can work between us... but sometimes I really want to talk to him about the things he's said to her, and mostly want him to end things completely with her, but am not sure I can talk him into ending it unless I tell him what I know. But, if I tell him I know I am afraid that would damage our relationships more, especially since he has been trying pretty hard the past month. When I first found out I didn't tell him because he has been suicidal in the past (is on meds for it) and said he would kill himself if anyone found out.

 

 

Another interesting complication is that we would both loose our jobs if we split up... we were hired as a couple and are required to be married... and we both LOVE this job. We also have a daughter that is almost 2.

 

 

 

So, for those of you with past experience, think I should tell him I know about it? or just try to get him to break things off with her for other reasons?

[2sunny]

yes, tell him you know and ask him to be honest about ALL of it.

 

yes, he should have NO further contact with her or there is no reason to continue the marriage.

 

marriage counseling is a must. you need to find out what was missing for him to go looking for an outside interest.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

You need to tell him you know. Tell him that you know you have broke it off. and that you appreciate that. But that you do need to go to MC together. If he does get suicidal thoughts you have one more burden. His mental health. You may not be able to show all your emotions to him right now, because of his fragile state. But you do need to confront him.

[NoIDidn't]

You need to tell him you know. If you don't they will go from the continued EA of now back to the PA.

 

Why are you so calm having read that they've had sex many times? Wow what self-control, you have.

[mc1]

I was a lot less calm when I first found out I've suspected things for over 2 months and found out for sure about a month and a half ago.

 

We've talked to each other about what's missing for both of us and have been working on those things, so I don't want to backtrack on the progress we've made... but I still get really upset when he's on the phone with her. I don't care as much about the sex part, although that still bothers me. It's them talking all the time that bothers me more, he's admitted that he's more comfortable talking to her than he is to me about some things. The lucky part for now is that we live on the west coast and she now lives on the east coast.

 

I don't think it would push him into anything close to the depression he was in a while ago if I told him now... I'm just wondering if bringing it up after the fact when we've started to move forward again will hurt more than it will help. I don't want to hear all the details of what happened, other than what we need to do to prevent it from happening again. I just want them to stop talking.

 

I guess I know what I probably should do... I just don't know if I'm ready to accept the consequences of confrontation should it not turn out well... Actually confronting him on it makes it seem more real to me too. I guess when we don't talk about it I can somewhat just ignore that it happened.

[Mr. Lucky]

But, if I tell him I know I am afraid that would damage our relationships more, especially since he has been trying pretty hard the past month.

If you tell him, you'll really find out how hard he's willing to try. Cut off from her and out of his comfort zone, it will only be you and him. I'll bet that you'll quickly find out how much of a future you have together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[artchick88]

What a terribly sad story. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I feel that you should probably leave him, although I suppose that wasn't the question.

If you do want to stay with him (job is NOT a reason!) you should probably tell him now. I don't think holding it a secret will allow you to two to ever be close.

I really don't understand why you would want to be with someone who is cheating on you with his supposed "soulmate." Not to mention, a person who is so depressed you can't even BRING UP the fact that he is unfaithful.

Anyway, good luck and just know that you deserve better. You should be married to someone who considers YOU his soulmate.

[norajane]

Relationships need honesty at their core. You can't rebuild when the core is rotten.

 

Get it out in the open and fix it.

 

Don't let the lies and deceptions - on both your parts: him for cheating, and you for hiding that you know he cheated - rot your relationship from the inside out.

[mc1]

What a terribly sad story. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I feel that you should probably leave him, although I suppose that wasn't the question.

If you do want to stay with him (job is NOT a reason!) you should probably tell him now. I don't think holding it a secret will allow you to two to ever be close.

I really don't understand why you would want to be with someone who is cheating on you with his supposed "soulmate." Not to mention, a person who is so depressed you can't even BRING UP the fact that he is unfaithful.

Anyway, good luck and just know that you deserve better. You should be married to someone who considers YOU his soulmate.

 

I agree I probably do deserve better (although I don't believe in soulmates)...but there are many reasons I've decided to stay, at least for now... I have considered the possibility that I may not always feel that way though.

 

I think a marriage should be given every chance to be worked out before divorce is considered. I decided to give it a year, put everything I have into making this work, and then at the end of the year see if I'll see where things are. Also, if we do end up divorcing in the end, I will be more prepared for it then I think. Even if we decided now that we wanted to divorce, I'd rather wait a year to do it than do it now.

 

So... agreed that I need to tell him... I still think it might hurt a lot at first to actually talk about it, but will probably be better in the end. and although I agree, I'm still scared to do it an not quite sure how to. Especially with him being so great about everything and trying so hard now.

[norajane]

So... agreed that I need to tell him... I still think it might hurt a lot at first to actually talk about it, but will probably be better in the end. and although I agree, I'm still scared to do it an not quite sure how to. Especially with him being so great about everything and trying so hard now.

 

You just look him in the eye and tell him, "I know you cheated on me with [insert her name] and I know you did it for x months and I'm very angry and hurt."

 

If you don't know how to bring it up, then I'm sure one day when he's been on the phone with her for an hour and your frustration and anger builds up, you'll blurt it out.

[wuggle]

Agree with other posters (and you) that you need to discuss, otherwise this would just be a running sore in your marriage.

 

Would like to suggest, as you have concerns that it may make things worse, that you try to go to MC. Bringing these sort of things out into the open is often better in MC sessions are they are sort of safer, and hopefully the counsellor will be able to help avoid any tit-for-tat or arguing.

[imagine]

Which is more important, the marriage or your business connection.

 

You will lose your marriage anyway. Expose the affair, tell everyone you know that is able to make a difference.

 

Read the articles at marriagebuilders.com regards Plan A and Plan B.

 

Call back when you started reading.

[MichelleS1983]

A few days ago I saw messages between them where he told her that since she decided she couldn't wait for him to be ready and she was going to move on, he would try to make things work with us... but that she would always be his "soulmate." They still talk eery day too.

Mc1, why are you allowing yourself to be the consolation prize for this selfish jerk?

 

That quote above says it ALL.

 

You're willing to settle for being 2nd choice because his fantasy girl doesn't have the patience to wait for him to leave you?

 

Stop disrespecting yourself. Seriously.

[Spark1111]

Please love yourself more! Sometimes loving our depressed spouses enables them to continue addictive, self-destructive, self-sabotaging behaviors for years, including affairs. In the process, we lose our self-esteem and tolerate intolerable behavior....all in the name of love. Tell him what you know. Without honesty and trust, there is no relationship. Often, people have to hit rock bottom before they grow up. I wish you peace through all of this.

[mc1]

Please love yourself more! Sometimes loving our depressed spouses enables them to continue addictive, self-destructive, self-sabotaging behaviors for years, including affairs. In the process, we lose our self-esteem and tolerate intolerable behavior....all in the name of love. Tell him what you know. Without honesty and trust, there is no relationship. Often, people have to hit rock bottom before they grow up. I wish you peace through all of this.

 

I think he (and me in some ways) finally did hit rock bottom, which is partially why I think we can make things work for both of us, it finally got bad enough that things needed to change.

 

I recognize that I've been letting him get away with his behavior for too long, so this is all part of changing that I hope In December a few days before I found out about the PA (I already knew there was an emotional one just by watching them together - although he still denied it at that point) I told him he needed to see a doctor and a counselor. So, he's seen the doctor and has an appointment with a therapist.

 

We might also try MC, but haven't decided on that yet. We actually both work in a therapeutic environment that teaches a lot about things like enabling or rescuing people, so that's been pretty healthy for both of us I think, especially me.

 

Anyway, I finally told him about what I had read in his messages. I told him about the soulmate part fist, then after we talked about that told him I also knew about the sexual part of their relationship. We had a very good discusion and I'm glad I talked to him about it, but also glad I hadn't told him right away.

 

I can explain more about how it went later, for now I need to go get ready for a Chinese New Year party with my friends

[mc1]

For the most part talking to him went pretty well. I let him know that I had seen some of his messages with her, we talked about the parts that bothered me most (the soulmate part and him only trying with me because she chose to not wait for him.) and he let me see the rest of his conversations with her. I got to read their discussion when they decided to break up and it had a lot to do with why he thought I was a better person for him, then they talked about what she would need to be like if he was to be with her, and also some things she wanted him to change, then in the end decided they would really not be happy with each other. He's also decided that his feelings are more similar to an addiction than love for her.

 

After we talked about that I told him I knew he had been sleeping with her. I also told him that although I'm willing to try andwork past that for now... I think cheating on someone is one of the most immoral things a person can do, they should at least have the decency or courage to break things off with the first person. We didn't talk too much about that part because I honestly don't want to know exactly what they did, but he ansewered the questions I had.

 

The part that didn't go well is that I have still not gotten him to agree to stop talking to her. I told him I at least need a plan for how he's going to stop and he said he would work on one... so we'll see how that goes I guess.

[norajane]

Um, did he even apologize for cheating on you, for lying to you, for sneaking around behind your back and having sex with another woman?

 

Did he mention any regret or remorse or feeling bad about himself for deceiving you and exposing you to sexually transmitted diseases by screwing another woman?

 

The part that didn't go well is that I have still not gotten him to agree to stop talking to her. I told him I at least need a plan for how he's going to stop and he said he would work on one... so we'll see how that goes I guess.

He hasn't agreed? He needs a plan and he's going to work on a plan? How hard is it to make a plan to not call her anymore, and to tell her to stop calling him and messaging him if she contacts him?

 

Have you considered, "stop talking to her - immediately, or I will file for divorce - immediately"?

 

You may be around therapists, but you need a marriage counselor because only an MC can be objective about your problems. And, I'm sorry to say, but you sound like you have some doormat tendencies so it's very easy for him to get away with whatever he likes.

[mc1]

Yes, he apologized and has set limits for his future relationships with other females to prevent this from happening again. He's been very apologetic for the EA part of it for over a month now, and has added in the PA part to his apologies. We already talked about what led him to start spending more and more time with her several weeks ago, so have worked part of this out already. I know there is no chance of her passing on an STD... ironically i was the one to even take her to get tested (she was living with us while going to a school out here, H asked her to leave before I even found out about all of this, he showed me his conversations with her to confirm a lot of things)

 

I also fully agree that's I've let him get away with too much over the past few years, but I don't feel like I am now. I'm holding pretty firm on me needing him to stop talking to her eventually, but if it comes down to it, I would not leave him over occasional (few times a year, with me there) contact with her. Every day contact I would eventually, but that's not something I'm ready to do yet.

 

Although I don't care too much what happens to her, if he were to stop talking to this girl I have no doubt that she would get back into her involvement with drugs and likely end up dead. She came to live with us partially to get away from drug issues and he's helping keep her sober. He's shown me proof that he's working on getting her to rely on someone other than him. My suggestion for contact is that he never initiate it and only talk to her about her progress in finding someone else to talk to about her issues, he's working on trying to get her to see a therapist, and that all of this contact would be with me there.

[imagine]

He should avoid any contact with this woman. Contact of any sort is candy to a drug addict.

[norajane]

I know there is no chance of her passing on an STD... ironically i was the one to even take her to get tested (she was living with us while going to a school out here, H asked her to leave before I even found out about all of this

 

Although I don't care too much what happens to her, if he were to stop talking to this girl I have no doubt that she would get back into her involvement with drugs and likely end up dead. She came to live with us partially to get away from drug issues and he's helping keep her sober.

 

Who IS this girl to you as a couple, and if you were supposed to be "rescuing" her or helping her with her drug problems, damn, how unethical and immoral is it that your husband started an affair with her? How damaging to her mental well-being? And how young is she?

 

Your husband sounds like he took advantage of a troubled young girl when she came to you for help! And introduced her to an affair to replace her drugs - replacing one addiction with another.

 

This is almost like a therapist having sex with his patients!! How dare he?

 

I certainly hope you two aren't planning on taking any more troubled young girls.

[mc1]

Who IS this girl to you as a couple, and if you were supposed to be "rescuing" her or helping her with her drug problems, damn, how unethical and immoral is it that your husband started an affair with her? How damaging to her mental well-being? And how young is she?

 

Your husband sounds like he took advantage of a troubled young girl when she came to you for help! And introduced her to an affair to replace her drugs - replacing one addiction with another.

 

This is almost like a therapist having sex with his patients!! How dare he?

 

I certainly hope you two aren't planning on taking any more troubled young girls.

 

She was 17, will be 18 next month, he is 26 and I'm 24. It's a big age gap, but technically legal. Of course it was unethical and immoral though... any affair is... he also fully admits it was pretty messed up.

 

He started out being just addicted to being around her partially because he felt he could tell her anything with out being judged because she has done so much wrong herself, then after a while things got physical. They didn't do as much physically as I had thought, but plenty more than they should have.

[Trimmer]

...he let me see the rest of his conversations with her. I got to read their discussion when they decided to break up and it had a lot to do with why he thought I was a better person for him, then they talked about what she would need to be like if he was to be with her, and also some things she wanted him to change, then in the end decided they would really not be happy with each other.

Whew, good to know that once he laid it all out and considered it carefully, his wife and the mother of his child came in just ahead of a troubled, drug-involved, 17-year-old "soulmate."

 

Who IS this girl to you as a couple, and if you were supposed to be "rescuing" her or helping her with her drug problems, damn, how unethical and immoral is it that your husband started an affair with her? How damaging to her mental well-being? And how young is she?

 

Your husband sounds like he took advantage of a troubled young girl when she came to you for help! And introduced her to an affair to replace her drugs - replacing one addiction with another.

 

This is almost like a therapist having sex with his patients!! How dare he?

 

She was 17, will be 18 next month, he is 26 and I'm 24. It's a big age gap, but technically legal. Of course it was unethical and immoral though... any affair is... he also fully admits it was pretty messed up.

Uh, believe it or not, it's not the age gap that is the most astounding thing here, and it's not "just" the fact that it's an affair that makes it immoral. Are you getting the point that if you, as a couple, were trying to help a troubled youth, to give her a way out of a bad environment and into a healthier future, that it was absolutely unconscionable to engage in an emotional/romantic and ultimately sexual relationship with her? If it's true that her very survival now depends on his helping keep her sober - as you clearly imply - hasn't he abdicated a solemn responsibility, potentially trading her very life away in the pursuit of his illicit relationship with her?

 

He started out being just addicted to being around her partially because he felt he could tell her anything with out being judged because she has done so much wrong herself, then after a while things got physical. They didn't do as much physically as I had thought, but plenty more than they should have.

In other words, he used her weakness for his own emotional support, which eventually transitioned into a romantic and sexual relationship. This sounds almost predatory.

 

We might also try MC, but haven't decided on that yet. We actually both work in a therapeutic environment that teaches a lot about things like enabling or rescuing people, so that's been pretty healthy for both of us I think, especially me.

One of the cornerstone values that should be taught and practiced in a "theraputic environment" is that when you are trying to help someone you don't f**k them. I'm sorry for being crude, but I am absolutely astounded how ambivalent you sound about his behavior, both as it relates to your marriage, and to the older mentor/younger disciple relationship that your husband took advantage of.

 

I certainly hope you two aren't planning on taking any more troubled young girls.

I could not agree more strongly.

[mc1]

I know she was probably the worst person he could have had an affair with, I'm not disagreeing with that at all. I am not saying he is innocent, but I also don't feel like he was intentionally seeking a relationship with her. I also feel like she used him. Yes, he was older and supposed to be the responsible one. He was not interested in sex with her at first, but she kept demanding it... and he should have continues to say no. He also should have had her leave at that point and should have told me what was going on.

 

There are a lot of things that should have happened differently, so for now we are focusing on how to prevent this from happening again and what changes we both need made in our relationship.

 

We've also made progress on him not talking to her but still keeping her safe. She is living with her sister now, so we've been working on turning things over more to her.

[norajane]

I know she was probably the worst person he could have had an affair with, I'm not disagreeing with that at all. I am not saying he is innocent, but I also don't feel like he was intentionally seeking a relationship with her. I also feel like she used him. Yes, he was older and supposed to be the responsible one. He was not interested in sex with her at first, but she kept demanding it... and he should have continues to say no. He also should have had her leave at that point and should have told me what was going on.

He is an ADULT; she is a drug-addicted teenager! How was SHE using HIM???

 

Why are you blaming the victim here? She came to your home for help, and your husband was too selfish, too immature, and too unethical to keep his problems and his d*ck to himself!

 

Why is it that you are glossing over this? Why do you want to blame a troubled teenager instead of placing the blame squarely where it belongs, on your husband? You are ENABLING him in his predatory behavior by not coming down hard on him for taking advantage of a girl who clearly cannot take care of herself.

 

Why do you two need to be married to earn your income? Were you accepting money for this girl's care? Does her sister know what went on in your "safe" house? Are you sure it's even "technically" legal? If she were entrusted to your care under some legal program, like a foster-care program, then his sister could very well press charges for his behavior.

[OWoman]

Of course it was unethical and immoral though... any affair is...

 

Not so. They may be immoral - depending on your moral framework - but most As are not unethical. An A would be unethical under certain conditions only, where a code of conduct (implicit or overt) exists governing professional or practitioner behaviour - such as between a doctor and a patient, between a lawyer and a client, between a teacher and a pupil, or in a counselling or other therapeutic type situation. Such as this.

 

This was (or wasn't, depending on your moral stance) immoral. But far more disturbing, it was unethical. Your H took advantage of a teenager with compromised judgment, who was in need of care and who looked to him for support and guidance. That is inexcusable.

 

And, depending on her frame of mind at the time, it may also be illegal (technically or otherwise). I don't know which country you live in, but most countries have laws which include having sex with someone whose abilty to say no is clouded by drink or drugs as statutory rape. Her age being only just past legal consent would be deemed an aggravating factor. If I was this girl's legal guardian, I'd nail your H so hard he'd be lucky to escape a custodial sentence.

 

I'm not sure if that's related to the job-you-both-love or if you were caring for her in some extra-mural capacity; either way, I feel that that kind of lackof ethical integrity needs to come to the attention of his employer so that they can make an informed decision as to his continued suitability for whatever position he's holding.

 

I really don't understand why you're supporting him on this. Would you hold the girl down if he wanted to rape her in front of you? What he's done is little different, yet you're shrugging it off as if it was merely consensual sex with a adult woman he met in the park out walking her dog.