owchi Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I am so happy I found this forum. This will be relatively long so I apologize in advance but would appreciate some advice from OW who have been under similar circumstances. I met my MM 5 years ago when I was single and he was in a LTR. We had a strong connection on multiple levels; emotionally, sexually and intellectually. He did say he loved me but I ignored it b/c of the situation. I never put much stock into it b/c he was not available but enjoyed the time we spent together. I was afraid of getting hurt. He is definitely someone that I have felt a different connection w/ compared to any other man I have been involved with. In any case, fast fwd to the present where I live in a different city and was in a 2 year LTR. In the interim, he's been married for the last 2.5 years. He has kept in touch from time to time but very infrequent until he heard I was no longer in a relationship. Then we started to communicate via txt, email, phone, but typically every 2-3 months, or so. In November he reached out to me and said he hasnt stopped thinking of me. He said he had regrets that we never got together in a full relationship years back when we could. I said the situation at the time didnt warrant it, and it was not conducive for us to get fully involved. I was protecting my feelings at the time and not wanting to get involved w/ someone who was already in a relationship. In any case, he says he's been through marriage counselling and planning to leave his wife Feb. 1st. Things have not been good btwn the two of them and said he's exhausted every effort to make the marriage work, but his heart isn't into it anymore. I agree to communicate w/ him but said I could never get sexually involved. We live in different cities anyway so all our communication is via txt, email and phone. We started communicating very frequently. In fact, daily and agreed to see each other over Xmas. We had dinner, kissed, the chemistry (after 5 yrs) was still there, but we didnt go further. We got really close over the last 3 months and have professed we love each other and should make this work. The long distance has almost allowed us to learn much more about each other on a deeper level. I never once asked him to leave his wife. I never mentioned a date when he should, but the Feb. 1st was ingrained in me from the start of our communication. So, here I am emotionally invested happy we found each other again. 2 week ago I started to get ansy b/c he hadnt found a place yet. They have no children but own a house together. He planned on moving out and told her such. She gets crazy, cries and begs him to stay. Apparently they haven't slept together since July and he said he purposely avoids intimacy w/ her because he doesn't want to give her hope. He has indicated (without my prompting) that he has no reservations about leaving and wants to find the right living situation. I have at times threatened to cut off our communication due to the fact I was getting to close to him and felt uncomfortable w/ him still living at home. Things were getting heated starting mid-Jan w/ Feb.1 approaching. We fought a bit, and I started to withdraw. We agreed to take a couple days to cool off and talk again. We arranged to talk last Friday, and he txt'd me saying he was out w/ colleagues. I got frantic as I had a gut feel that he had nothing to tell me in terms of finding a place and felt he was stalling, so I said that no matter what I love/care for him, but cannot continue w/ the status quo. I said I didnt impose the Feb. 1 date as he has said it all along, and am frustrated. I accused him of not being able to leave. He responded that he is doing the best he can; that I am wrong and that he can and will leave. I hung up as I was upset and txt'd him saying perhaps he will eventually but I am not waiting around. I said it's unhealthy for me and trust he would understand and not expect me to. I said he knew where to find me if he did leave. He responded "Gnite". I knew he was tired of hearing me say I can't continue b/c I have said it a few times. At one stage in December he said he was tired of seeing me upset, and tired of trying to keep me in this. He suggested stop communicating and we wait until Feb. when he's moved out. That didn't last long, we always end up communicating somehow and remained in constant contact. In fact, we were communicating via phone,txt, email every day since November. This time I know he knew I meant it. We have had NC since last Friday. I know it's only been a week but feels so much longer. I have left out so much, but can say he is responsible, man of his word, and been reliable to date. It was shocking to hear he was planning to leave his marriage in November b/c he's the type that everyone relies on. I trust him and believe we are right for each other, but don't want him to think I will just continue to get closer to him and wait for him to move out. I guess my concern is that I don't want him to think I am not supportive and am just walking away. I wonder if I should break the NC rule and just txt saying I miss him and hope all is well. Technically it's not even Feb. 1 and maybe he has found a place. In any case, do I reach out, or wait?
NoIDidn't Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I think you should wait. I'm not an OW, mind you. Let him sort out this thing himself. He might feel pressured, he might not. But that's my vote. Wait. February starts in less than 36 hours.
bentnotbroken Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 1) the wife gets crazy when he says he is leaving 2)they haven't slept together in awhile...for whatever reasons 3)he is trying to move out, but can't....for whatever reasons 4)he doesn't like seeing ow upset, but has no qualms about lying to his wife. 5)he is a good guy, who is honorable even though he is lying to his wife and has a R with someone he isn't married to. Did I leave anything out?
herenow Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 1) the wife gets crazy when he says he is leaving 2)they haven't slept together in awhile...for whatever reasons 3)he is trying to move out, but can't....for whatever reasons 4)he doesn't like seeing ow upset, but has no qualms about lying to his wife. 5)he is a good guy, who is honorable even though he is lying to his wife and has a R with someone he isn't married to. Did I leave anything out? 6)...he is responsible, man of his word, and been reliable to date. Man of his word?
TOWinNYC Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I say wait. Even if it's after Feb 1 and he still hasn't contacted you - wait. If this is something that is truly important to him, he'll come through. Wait - and you'll see what he's made of. Wait - and you'll see whether he's something you want to invest in the long term. But wait.
2sunny Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 and don't forget to add that he honors and respects the vow of marriage. :lmao: he's only telling you all the same things all the MM tell their OW. come on - not slept with her since july? i hate reading these lies and women who end up believing them. i'm sure my xH told his OW we didn't sleep together - truth was - we had great sex every day (even at the 20 year mark) sometimes 3 times a day. soooo, i say - ya, right!!!! don't believe his lies. he lies to his W - why would he not lie to you? have you slept with him yet?
desertmoon Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 and don't forget to add that he honors and respects the vow of marriage. :lmao: he's only telling you all the same things all the MM tell their OW. come on - not slept with her since july? i hate reading these lies and women who end up believing them. i'm sure my xH told his OW we didn't sleep together - truth was - we had great sex every day (even at the 20 year mark) sometimes 3 times a day. soooo, i say - ya, right!!!! don't believe his lies. he lies to his W - why would he not lie to you? have you slept with him yet? Actually, My H told one of his OWs that we have not been intimate for a long time and he was telling the truth. So sometimes it IS the truth. Anyway, OWCHI, I think you should make your position clear to him---that you have not moved on, that your feelings for him remain the same and that you will wait, etc. Then you wait. The question is how long do you want to wait? That is something you have to decide for yourself. You do not need to tell the MM how long you will wait- telling him would be like giving him a ultimatum. Ultimatum in a relationship can breed resentment. Good luck!
jwi71 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 OP, Here's the problem I have. He tells you he has no problem leaving his W then concocts flimsy excuses for why he hasn't moved out yet. Doesn't add up for me. No kids, no sex, no closeness, not happy at home...yet he won't leave. Even if you take his R with you out of the equation - isn't it odd that in those circumstances he still WON'T leave? I would be careful. As far as waiting for him - its up to you. You wait as long as you wish. That's a decision only you can make. And as for ultimatums - desertmoon is right, its a bad idea. They are juvenile attempts by the powerless to seize control of a situation. IME, they trap the issuer more often than they trap the recipient. My advice, move on with your life and do NOT allow your MM into your life unless he can present finalized divorce papers.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 New to forum. My story. You may be new here but your story isn't. I won't comment on your situation since I'm not a "OW who have been under similar circumstances" (duh!). My only advice to you would be to stay awhile and read some of the threads here as many found themselves at one time in your shoes. You'll be interested in how some of them turned out... Mr. Lucky
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