JustBreathe Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Well... I think we may not be able to stay married much longer. I don't know. Last night, he tells me the stress is too much for him. I said, stress? What stress? I leave you alone, don't I? He said, "You don't feel any anything towards me anymore." I was a bit surprised at this and it hurt to hear those words. I said, "You asked that I not call you at work. I quit. You would not respond to my emails so I quit sending them. You don't seem to want conversation with me very often, so I leave you alone there as well. I suggested marriage counseling, you did not have the time. So I gave that up. Now. Where is the stress? I don't bother you with my problems unless they pertain to the kids. I don't check up on you. I don't ask you any questions about your comings and goings. How can there be stress? I'm living my life and you are living yours, right?" He says: Well I can't live this way. I say, okay, I understand completely as I its been a while now since got tired of trying to make a relationship with someone who never wanted me. If you want a divorce, that's fine with me. BUT why can't we PLAN it first? Why not take a year or two to let our youngest get out of high school and pay off some major debt? We can't afford a divorce right now. We have wasted 26 years, what is 2 or 3 more. He said he doesn't care. He will file bankruptcy. Whatever it takes. AT this point, I said, Okay, I suppose I will survive. Other people do. Even if the economy is bad. Get your divorce. I'll be okay. He ranted and raved about going through the finances tomorrow and making a plan as he was leaving as soon as possible, etc. I said Okay if that's what you want. I just do not care anymore. All was settled. I went to bed, he went to bed. In the middle of the night he wakes me up all teary eyed saying "I have ALWAYS loved you! ALWAYS!" and proceeds to want to make love with me. I gave in, but quite frankly teh man doesn't do much for me in the bedroom anymore. Still, it has been a long time since he has said he loves me. I just don't know what's going to happen. I think he's had enough. I had enough a long time ago. But I'm not ready financially. I'm afraid. I'm a coward. I SO wanted to wait the 3 years. I may lose the house and its the only home my kids have ever known.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I'm so sorry JB. I can't imagine how scary it must be to start from scratch again. "I have ALWAYS loved you! ALWAYS!" Funny definition of the word love huh? Again, I'm sorry and wish you well.
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 He's desparate and had time to think.. Either way, you two should do marriage counselling. Not to save the marriage, but to be able to co-parent together on good terms and still be a part of eachothers lives for the kids sake. It doesn't have to end in a nasty way.
Author JustBreathe Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Well maybe I'm freaking out today for no reason. It could be he was just having one of his drama sessions. We'll see when I get home tonight. But it was all very strange to me. We have been living like relatives for awhile now. My marriage is dead. But I still care very much for him. I love him but I'm not IN love with him.... hahahah!!! anyway, the whole thing was strange. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Author JustBreathe Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 I'm obscessing over this today. If he ALWAYS loved me then why does he lie to this day? He didn't love me to ever come clean about how long he slept with the skank from work. He worked with her for 6 years, the last four I could tell something was going on. The last 2, I had these crying fits where I couldn't stop. The doctors all said I was depressed, but I didn't believe them cuz I had nothing to be depressed about (I thought). I got in a bad car accident just before the infidelity was discovered. I think because I was so distraught I couldn't concentrate. He was so cold to me those last 2 years. I KNOW he is LYING and it bothers me to this day. I have told him that. He still says his affair only lasted 3 months. I guess that is what bothers me the most. That he has lied so much and still clings to those lies. Oh he loves me though. Whatever. No.But I am scared to death about actually pulling the plug on it. Not of losing my husband. That's been done for a long time. I am afraid of the future. I'm afraid I will lose my house. I'm afraid of what life will be like on my own after 26 years. YES. I admit it folks. I'm afraid of EVERYTHING. I have been told I am a strong person, but I don't feel that way. I just wanted to talk about it a little. I know there's nothing anyone can say to help me. It's just a mess and that's all.
smarterthanbefore Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I don't know if this will help you, but I know a few people who were in situations similar, and pulled the plug on the marriage and are now doing fine. Some lost their house and such, but so what. A house is just material, and I understand memories and stability for the kids and such, but you are in misery and you deserve so much more. You are stronger than you could ever imagine. Trust yourself. You can survive this and you will be the better for it. Your husband is dead weight to you now, serving no purpose but misery. One day he want to work it out, but not talk about it, and treat you so poorly. The nerve of him after all he has done. Then have the gaul to say he loves you. Honey I'm Pi$$ed for you. If you have the desire to leave, do it. I don't know if you are religous, but I believe the Lord do not give us more than we can handle. You can handle starting over because you are strong. Also stop catering to him. Take care of you and concentrate on you and your kids. Only deal with him if you have to. He do not deserve your consideration. He gave you none when he was screwing the skank from work. What ever it is you enjoy doing for yourself, do it. Work on you and healing. Do not be concerned about him any longer. On his yo-yo dance of wanting a divorce one day and wanting to work it out, needs to stop. You decide what you want and go with it. Take care of you and your kids. I gaurentee the moment you detach from him, and live life for you, he will wake up. Once it set in that you are moving on from him and living life for you, that is when WS usually start to realize what they are losing. Good luck.
Author JustBreathe Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Smarter.. I wanted to wait just 2 or 3 more years. We've been in it 26, what's 2-3 more years? What's wrong with I do my thing and he does his? I have my own interests, friends, I go to college at night, gym classes and a full time job. I'm busy. I don't need him for company. Honestly, I don't care what he does. We have some laughs now and then, go to the movies and so forth, but I feel no bond to him other than like a close brother or relative. I have no problem with divorce. I just wanted to set myself up. Not exit without a real plan. I wanted to pay down our bills, I do not want all that debt once I leave. Wanted to wait until the youngest boys were 17 and 20. The younger could go see his dad because he'd have a drivers license. No child support or visitation issues. Debts paid down. No more private school bills. I wanted a clean break. Is that so wrong? He makes alot more money than me. I don't want to pay half now when I can have him pay 2/3 of it and wind up paying 1/3 over 2-3 years. Does that sound selfish? Maybe. But it can also be just good sense to me. I live in a no fault state. We would split the debt 50/50. Better to pay off as much as I can before divorcing, right? Better to get my money straight and the kids on their way to college at least? Right? Am I being stupid? Am I blind here? Selfish? I dont' know? Maybe it is time after all to just bite the bullet. But it wasn't my plan! Also, my boys are teens. They need to feel stable right now. Teenage years are hard ones. I just can't think about us having to sell the house and move. I brought them home from the hospital to this house. They know no other home. As usual he has no regard as to what it will do to our teen boys. He has never thought about anyone but himself. D-day was 8 years ago. It took me a long time to let go, but I've done it. I haven't felt anything for him for about 3 years now. BUT I stuck it out for the kids' sake. And it is a valid reason. My boys are the only thing I have ever done right and I don't want to screw them up. They are wonderful positive happy people. I'm afraid and I hate it so much. I feel like a worm. If he leaves, I guess I'll be okay. Good riddence. He never was into his marriage. But it's freakin scary as h#ll! I am scared to death. I'm going home now. We'll see what happens over the weekend. I'm not bringing it up!
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I would never want to minimize what you're going through right now, but as one of many here that have been through it, you do survive. And I think you'll find that the emotional weight removed from your shoulders is, by itself, worth the cost of getting there. I personally would not want to waste 3 more years of my life living as you describe. Don't you think that your sons want to see you happy? I think you're selling everyone involved here - yourself included - a little bit short. Get some solid legal advice and get started... Mr. Lucky
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