alittlebird Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Quick summary: he says the people (two girls) he texts are just friends, and that he hasn't cheated. I see him as having two emotional affairs. Plus there's another gal friend he writes to (email) to get advice about the two girlfriends that he used to have a crush on. All three are very young, he's 45. And I'm recuperating from major surgery and need his help right now. Now for the long part....I'm 48, we've been married for 18 years, together for 22 years, no kids. We're also business partners -- together 24/7, home office. We've had our ups and downs but I thought we worked through them. But this last year and a bit has been hell for me. The gal pal (B) he emails he definitely had a crush on back December 2007, seemed to get over it and moved on to friendship. She was 17 at the time, he met her via an online game that both he and I were playing. I had a crying fit (after weeks of depression) in early Feb of 2008, told him I felt he didn't love me any more, he said he would do better. He did for a few months. Then last summer (2008) there was a week he was out every night. He says playing poker, I looked up the ATM charges and those were definitely strip clubs. Soon after he started texting (added texting to our cell phone). And dressing nicer. And talking differently...yep, all the things that other folks have described. So I snooped, and found the emails to his friend B talking about his new friends, T and M. One of them he calls "glowy girl" and says she has a nickname for him. He referred to her as catnip and bad for him. He didn't say much about the other. I printed off all the emails, and have continued to look on his computer since and print off any relevant emails -- if the time comes to talk divorce, I'll have a nice stack of paper to hand to my lawyer when discussing the issues. At least I did that part right. He's bought at least one of the girls jewelry. Bought at least one of them expensive tickets to Christmas day pro basketball ($380). Keeps telling me he loves me, bought me a new wedding ring last November. But he also spends a lot of time "running errands" with his cell phone...or taking his cell phone into the garage. (Although I have to say that since I confronted him in early january about it he has suddenly started leaving the cell phone behind, tho that doesn't mean he hasn't purchased one of those pay-as-you-go phones.) I confronted him a couple of weeks ago, saying I knew he was having affairs. He said "is it wrong of me to want to have some friends? To want something just for me?" and other such crap. I told him we needed to go to MC and I'd only stay with him if we did. He insisted things weren't physical, that he wasn't having affairs. He just had made some friends, he said. But here's the kicker -- on Jan 15th I underwent major surgery. I've had to have help getting in and out of bed, and after a few days getting in and out of my chair. I'm just barely moving around on my own now, 2 weeks later. I have an infection, am taking antibiotics, am still on pain meds and can't drive. Just barely getting back to doing some work during the day. The past three days he's been out every day for many hours, leaving me alone. Yesterday about 6 hours. He just now left to buy lunch and coffee so I checked his email, and there was one he sent to his friend B -- he said in it that he drove an hour north yesterday to have dinner with glowy girl because she was upset. She's pregnant (he didn't say in the email to B that he was the father, this is the first time mentioned, i have no idea if it's his) and hormonal, so he drove an hour each way and had dinner with her. While I'm sitting here, sick and hurting from surgery. He brought me back some McDonalds takeout for dinner, by the way. I'm sure I left something out somewhere in the above story....the antibiotics make me rather brain-foggy, sorry. Anyway, I suck at confronting, obviously. I've failed at making demands or asking for changes the whole 2 times I've gotten up the courage to say anything. It's been over a year and all I've done is prove that I'm a total doormat. I'm sick of it, heartsick, heartbroken. But since I still need him while I get well, and in addition have zero idea how I'll make money if we break up our two-person consulting biz, I'm very lost and frightened. What should I do? Everything I think of to do seems either too much for me right now or likely to lead to me being homeless and broke....I could really use some useful suggestions. Thanks....
Geishawhelk Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Anyway, I suck at confronting, obviously. I've failed at making demands or asking for changes the whole 2 times I've gotten up the courage to say anything. It's been over a year and all I've done is prove that I'm a total doormat. I'm sick of it, heartsick, heartbroken.Well, how mad and trodden on do you have to get, before you really read him the riot act? How sick and so unwell do you have to be, before you begin to scream that you need something from him? But since I still need him while I get well, Actully, if you coped for 6 hours on your own - no, you don't. and in addition have zero idea how I'll make money if we break up our two-person consulting biz, You make it a one-person consulting biz and branch out on your own. You split the client list 50-50 and hammer out a good deal. you must have solicitors, accountants.... contact them first and get advice on stuff before taking the plunge. Which it sounds as if you need to do. And even want to do........ I'm very lost and frightened. What should I do? Everything I think of to do seems either too much for me right now or likely to lead to me being homeless and broke....I could really use some useful suggestions. Thanks.... Ok, and stop that. You are a damn sight stronger than you could ever imagine. Trust me when I tell you that you've already drawn on reserves you didn't know you had, to take you to here. My action would be to say nothing to him ata all, but to contact a lawyer and thrash everything you need to do out with him. Or her. Yes, better. Her. Take legal advice, and seek the best options available to you. Then astonish him when you serve him papers and ask him to leave. Irreconcilable differences. That should cover it.
taylor Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that your 45 yo husband has teenage girls as friends. You said he brought you McDonald's. Are you sure glowy girl doesn't work in the drive thru? Next thing you know he will be playing arcade games with the high schoolers who hang out at the mall. Your husband has some real issues. If he wants friends, tell him to find a golf or bowling buddy his own age. Your are right, I'm afraid. These are emotional affairs and if your husband had half the chance (maybe he already has) I am sure he would not hesitate to turn the EAs into PAs. No 48 yo woman should be treated with such disrespect as your husband has shown you. Please find some strength to let him know that you will no longer stand for this. You say you don't want to lose your home. Would you rather allow your husband to carry on with teenage girls while you enjoy the comfort of your home? It's your choice. I agree with Geishawhelk. Consult an attorney regarding your business and possible divorce.
taylor Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Just a couple other random thoughts... You say your husband tells you he loves you. Of course he loves you. He just wants to have a little fun on the side. Those are quite extravagant gifts to be giving to some "friends." I can only think of one reason why I man would spend that much money on a woman he wasn't married to. He has quite the nerve to spend YOUR money on these girls. I'd put an end to that ASAP. If these girls are friends of his, why don't you have him invite them to your home. You can pull out the photo album of your wedding and all the vacations you and your husband took in the past couple decades while they were growing up. I think your husband is having some kind of major sexual re-awakening..but his energy should be focused on you...not on girls young enough to be his daughters. They will take him for whatever they can and in the end he will just look like a fool.
MichelleS1983 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Your husband's a repulsive ass. Period. Mr. Midlife Crisis is making a fool of himself drooling over young girls and spending MARITAL money on them because they probably wouldn't give the middle-aged fool a second glance if he didn't. What a class A jerk-off. Is he going to be supporting the pregnant one soon? Maybe put the other one through Cosmetology school? These youngin's know he's an idiot and will pull out his wallet every time they bat their eyes at him. Since you haven't confronted Romeo about his disgusting and inappropriate behavior with young girls, and you've pretty much listed a million excuses as to why you can't change your current situation, I'm not quite sure what type of advice I can give. You're stuck with a loser, I guess. I so wish you much luck in your medical healing and hope one day you're healthy enough to boot this moron right to the curb.
Author alittlebird Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 His clothes and toothbrush are in bags on the front door. He went to get groceries, I read his mail and found this tidbit: i went on a megan errand yesterday and stayed >too long and came home late with the pizza and now i'm really in the >doghouse. wife giving me the silent/pouty treatment which drives me nuts. >but maybe i deserve it. we were just talking (well, mostly. lol) megan is >just so smart and sweet and fun. Doghouse, oh yeah, that's all it was <end sarcasm>. I was too busy thinking about how to survive to deal with him, so he thinks I'm pouting.
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