ColorCube Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I know it sounds cheesy, but one of the most important aspects of conflict resolution is expressing how you feel and trying to understand how the other person feels, not trying to prove the other person wrong. I think you both try to prove each other wrong a lot. You don't fight well because you're too caught up in preparing your argument against the other. The more you're able to say "I feel this way when this happens" in a calm way, and having them repeat back to you why you're upset ("It's my understanding that you're upset that ______ because it makes you feel ______") the better off you'll be. This is a most excellent post, by the way, I don't think it sounds cheesy. It sounds mature.
JamesM Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Laurie, like the rest, I feel as if I know you....BUT, in truth, I recognize that I only know you by what you have posted. And I say that because I wonder if it is wise to put too much weight on the advice being offered by all of us who really don't know your situation outside of your posts. While I have no doubt you are being as complete as possible, it is known (and correct me if I am wrong...you do more counseling than I do) that each person has their own version of a situation. An objective observer would see things differently because those involved tend to have an emotional bias no matter how good they are. So, I don't say that to mean you are not telling us the truth, but based on what I have learned of you, I wonder if you have a pessimistic bias. In other words, you tend to bring out the negatives in a story when the reality is more positive. This wouldn't be of such a big concern except I have seen a progression of your opinions as they change based on what is being posted here. You are ready to break up with your BF because of advice here to do so yet inside you really love him and would like to work things out. Now, having said that, I of course now give my own advice. Tomcat seems to have given the best cautious advice IMO. Too many are telling you to kick him to the curb...the sooner the better. I am much more cautious. Much of your discontent seems to come from his lack of courage to propose to you. And I understand why. But still, I think this may be coloring your view of each situation that arises. Instead of viewing them as a part of life, they now become a much bigger issue than they really are. Many of these major issues are really small problems that should be easily resolved. I say that after almost nineteen years of marriage. If my wife and I had some of the issues now, then I can say we could fairly easily resolve them. If I could mention one thing that seems to be a problem here, then it would be that neither of you feel you can be yourself. Even when we are a couple, we need to feel free to be ourselves. When there are no children to plan around, then having time alone should not be a concern that the other is for some reason losing interest in the relationship. But it is important to not act as if you both live alone. Planning around each other is important, but doing everything together is not. For example, you wanting to go to Las Vegas doesn't need to be phrased as a "May I...?" but rather as "We are planning on going on such and such a date....will that work with your schedule?" Time alone creates a better relationship. The SBS was already planned and he should respect that. If he had already agreed to it, then he needs to honor his commitment. If he did not agree to it, then he should not feel obligated. Remember....do you want him to feel he has to be at your parents or do you want him to want to be there? IMO I think you should stand back and take a deep breath. Stick it out to May and see how it goes.
JamesM Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Okay, that's a good start. I know it sounds cheesy, but one of the most important aspects of conflict resolution is expressing how you feel and trying to understand how the other person feels, not trying to prove the other person wrong. I think you both try to prove each other wrong a lot. You don't fight well because you're too caught up in preparing your argument against the other. The more you're able to say "I feel this way when this happens" in a calm way, and having them repeat back to you why you're upset ("It's my understanding that you're upset that ______ because it makes you feel ______") the better off you'll be. Good ideas, but alpha is right. Most guys won't do this. BUT...he needs to learn that it is important to share feelings so that the complete situation is known. Guys want action and plans. They want to say "Okay. let's do this and move on." I am surprised that he has never come up with ways to resolve these issues.
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I am surprised that he has never come up with ways to resolve these issues. LB's BF is conflict-averse, so it's to be expected that he wouldn't look for a solution... he's wilfully blind to the problem to begin with.
JamesM Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 LB's BF is conflict-averse, so it's to be expected that he wouldn't look for a solution... he's wilfully blind to the problem to begin with. This fits "my theory" that in almost all relationships, it really is only one person who takes the initiative to keep the relationship healthy. Most times it is women, but not always. My wife would definitely say it is me, and I think if we look at the people who post here, it would be fair to say that if someone takes the time to post about their relationship, then they are the ones who care the most to find a solution. SG, I know what you are saying, but I wonder if it is more of a denial of the problem rather than he doesn't see a problem. He likes to control things and relationships cannot be controlled as he thinks they can. A good relationship involves both parties giving up some control to the other person...even though it means leaving oneself vulnerable to emotional hurts.
Trialbyfire Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Men tend to argue from a position of strength and pride/ego. Roll over a bit and if angry enough, instead of understanding that it's an olive branch extended, they go for the throat.
alphamale Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Men tend to argue from a position of strength and pride/ego. Roll over a bit and if angry enough, instead of understanding that it's an olive branch extended, they go for the throat. thats what makes us men, innit?
Trialbyfire Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 thats what makes us men, innit? Ha...too bad that just causes greater escalation because once that moment of softness is gone, women wield the emotional whip far better.
Lishy Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Oh LB, I really thought you had changed your attitude and became more confident and assertive! It was all hot air! Oh well Yet again your BF does exactly as he wishes and you are still pretending to be cool with it!
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Yep! Star totally called it- EXACTLY. LB, I feel like I can see this scenario. You walk into the living room where he is watching football. He realizes that you are at your breaking point, and he now needs to smooth things over. He sits down with you, gives you a hug, an says "there, there, now, there's nothing to worry about." Then he makes you feel really small for even getting upset over this. But he knows you're at "the point" so he makes sure you know he loves you, he would never leave you, blah blah blah. I just feel after reading numerous threads of yours that he doesn't really feel like your feelings are legitimate. He's just going to say whatever to get past the current hurdle and calm you down. I'm sure he is a good person. I think it was Trial who said there are no angels or demons here, and that is true. It just sounds like he wants you and your life with him to fit into this perfect little box. When you stray outside that box, by having your own opinions or needs, he gets angry and wants to stuff you back in. I'm guessing that his mother was the June Cleaver type, and he wants to know if that life was good enough for her, why isn't it good enough for you?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Hi everyone, man this thread keeps on growing. Nice to know so many people care. Anyway, I don't really think much has changed from the way I feel. I never had plans to break up with him now, I always wanted to give our relationship until our lease ends to see what happens. If you all met him you would see what a nice guy he is. He is not a genuine a-hole or jerk that you would just want to avoid. Does he get me upset sometimes? Do I get him upset? Yes. Couples upset each other don't they? Yes, we have some issues. It doesn't mean we need to give up though. Our relationship has not hit rock bottom or it's demise so for now I want to try to work things out. He told me that I am never going to lose him and that he would be so miserable without me. I think he does think I'll never leave him, however I did clue him in on that last night. I said that i'm sick of the fighting and if we just can't work things out then I will hit my breaking point. I didn't threaten to break up with him, just clued him in a little bit that I'm not going to keep arguing and feeling miserable like this. I know a lot of you want me to break up with him. Sometimes I feel that way too. But then there are the times (like last night) when we have nice talks and loving moments. If he was a jerk all the time I would be gone in a heartbeat. I don't know if things will work out, but like I said, I've got 3 months to see.
39388 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 thats what makes us men, innit? Youare an idiot, alphamale.
MindoverMatter Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 You won't be able to wait until your lease ends. Because you will have to look for another flat or renew the lease, and you will have to talk about that. I am just saying this so you can prepare yourself for it. Your lease ends in May? So you have about two months to decide what you want and if bf can give you that. And you should take that time and use it well. Think, re-evaluate, look at it from every angle that matters to you. Write it down, if you're running the risk of forgetting it. Don't drag this on for sake of trying and trying and trying. Everything else would be unfair to both you and your boyfriend.
Lucky_One Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I will prob get totally sacked for what I am going to say but, big deal if he wants to hang out with his friend and watch the game. Why cant you just go off and do your own thing and visit your folks on your own? Let the guy hang out have some beers with his mate and watch sports. I mean are you really a big football fan? I get that he had made plans to go to your parent's and watch the game but what guy would pick that over watching a game in the comfort of his own home and with a buddy? NO guy. I really don't see what all the drama is? This is not about him choosing to stay over going with you this is about you not wanting to spend time with your parents it is about putting too much onus on your boyfriend. I haven't read through all the posts here, but I have to agree with this. It's the SUPER BOWL to my BF. And to me, it's just another stupid football game. He would MUCH rather hang out with friends, drink beer, watch the game, ogle the cheerleaders, and eat wings. I would sit with my mom and watch the ads. Who cares who wins, really? But then again, if i got an invite to a fun party, I would blow my parent's off in a heartbeat. They are adults, they will live if I don't come sit in their house on Sunday to go watch a football game. Besides, they would rather I go out with friends and have fun, than come sit there. They aren't my sole social network, you know - and thankfully, I am not theirs. Anyway, I just don't see the big deal. Guys love the Super Bowl, and who wants to go sit with your GF's parents who apparently don't really like you anyway, when you could be hanging out with friends in your own place? LB, why don't you just ask some more folks over, and make it a real party and have some fun?
Touche Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Yeah, my ex wasn't a jerk all the time either. Anyone who would meet him, loved the guy. But in the end, we were still horribly mismatched and I wasted 9 years with him. I've said it many times and I'll say it again. You're mismatched. You can wait 4 months or 4 years...won't matter.
Lucky_One Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Ok, finished reading, and see that there was a compromise reached. Well done! Apparently a lot of people on LS want you to break up with your bf, LB, and maybe you should. But you surely aren't going to do it just bc some faceless posters tell you to. You will do it when and if you are ready, and you aren't ready. And you never may be. "It just sounds like he wants you and your life with him to fit into this perfect little box. When you stray outside that box, by having your own opinions or needs, he gets angry and wants to stuff you back in." Someone posted this above. Well, you know what? It goes both ways. LB wants him and their life to fit into HER perfect little box. When he strays outside that box by having his own opinions or needs, she gets angry and wants to stuff him back in. We ALL want that. And that's what compromise is, and that is why it is vital to healthy relationships. I want my BF to do exactly as I want, and he very rarely does. I know for a fact that he wishes I would do exactly as he wants, too - and I rarely do. We aren't mind-readers. But we ARE great compromisers. As for the ork figurine thing? Is that like wargame miniatures? They aren't to my taste, but I can certainly see the appeal. I love chess, and it is just another form of the same sort of strategy game. Some of y'all are acting like he is sitting around playing Barbies.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 You won't be able to wait until your lease ends. Because you will have to look for another flat or renew the lease, and you will have to talk about that. I am just saying this so you can prepare yourself for it. Your lease ends in May? So you have about two months to decide what you want and if bf can give you that. And you should take that time and use it well. Think, re-evaluate, look at it from every angle that matters to you. Write it down, if you're running the risk of forgetting it. Don't drag this on for sake of trying and trying and trying. Everything else would be unfair to both you and your boyfriend. Our lease ends May 31st. Therefore I need to talk to him in like the end of Aprilish. Your right about dragging it out. I don't want to do that. It would be unfair to both of us. I know he loves me and doesn't want to let me go. So if this relationship is going to end it's going to be my decision. So I want to make sure I make the right one.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Ok, finished reading, and see that there was a compromise reached. Well done! Apparently a lot of people on LS want you to break up with your bf, LB, and maybe you should. But you surely aren't going to do it just bc some faceless posters tell you to. You will do it when and if you are ready, and you aren't ready. And you never may be. "It just sounds like he wants you and your life with him to fit into this perfect little box. When you stray outside that box, by having your own opinions or needs, he gets angry and wants to stuff you back in." Someone posted this above. Well, you know what? It goes both ways. LB wants him and their life to fit into HER perfect little box. When he strays outside that box by having his own opinions or needs, she gets angry and wants to stuff him back in. We ALL want that. And that's what compromise is, and that is why it is vital to healthy relationships. I want my BF to do exactly as I want, and he very rarely does. I know for a fact that he wishes I would do exactly as he wants, too - and I rarely do. We aren't mind-readers. But we ARE great compromisers. As for the ork figurine thing? Is that like wargame miniatures? They aren't to my taste, but I can certainly see the appeal. I love chess, and it is just another form of the same sort of strategy game. Some of y'all are acting like he is sitting around playing Barbies. Well, it's human nature to get pissed off when someone doesn't do something you want them to do. We aren't all mind-readers or robots. I'm not a Stepford wife. I think sometimes he may lose sight of that a little bit and fail to realize that he can't change me into something that I'm not. So when he says how much he loves me and never wants to be without me, you can see where the confusion comes in. Maybe we are mismatching who knows? Despite what dating website commercials say, I don't think anyone is the "perfect match." (unless you are like the same person.) I'd think it would be boring if you just always agreed on everything and never voiced your own opinion. Our fights stem from my issue that I want to get married. That's why it feels like we are a bad match right now, because we want different things. So I either let go of wanting to get married right now or I break up with him. Both are hard to do. Oh the ork thing. Yeah they are like a strategy game. There are these books that explain how to "fight" and the special powers that they have. I think they are kind of dumb and I think he is a tad obsessed, but hey he could say the same thing about loveshack couldn't he?
Touche Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Our fights stem from my issue that I want to get married. That's why it feels like we are a bad match right now, because we want different things. So I either let go of wanting to get married right now or I break up with him. Both are hard to do. Are they really? I wasn't seeing that. It seems that very often the fights stem from things that have nothing to do with the marriage issue. Even if he proposed today, I think you'd still have the same fights. And you're right that there's no such thing as a "perfect match" per se. But you both fight about the same stuff over and over. On top of that, you're not at the same stage in life. That's a mismatch. A good match doesn't mean you NEVER fight. But you don't fight about the same stuff over and over. A good match also means you're in the same stage in life regarding commitment. It also means you agree on the big stuff.
alphamale Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Our fights stem from my issue that I want to get married. That's why it feels like we are a bad match right now, because we want different things. please explain again why you two are together
MindoverMatter Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Our fights stem from my issue that I want to get married. That's why it feels like we are a bad match right now, because we want different things. So I either let go of wanting to get married right now or I break up with him. Both are hard to do. This might be your biggest concern right now, but it isn't his. You two argue about money, how time is spent, how tidy things have to be, when to respect commitments made to each other, how to fight fair, etc. There are a lot of issues. The timeline for marriage is just one of them. And frankly, I think it is the smallest issue, because none of the others will be changed by a ring on your finger. You will still be in fights about how to iron shirts, how to respect one another etc. It wouldn't surprise if there wouldn't be more fights, after a marriage. I doubt your boyfriend would change his circle of friends or their habits after you tie the knot, but I get a feeling that you are secretly hoping for it. Oh the ork thing. Yeah they are like a strategy game. There are these books that explain how to "fight" and the special powers that they have. I think they are kind of dumb and I think he is a tad obsessed, but hey he could say the same thing about loveshack couldn't he? It's more like regulations. Every chess piece moves differently. Every warhammer figurine does as well. I just keep bringing that up because it is unfair to judge his hobby just because you're not acquainted to it. If he plays regularly, it certainly would be too much. But if he does it every couple of months or so, I don't see the problem. As you said, he could say the same about loveshack - it's not his thing. And that would be unfair, too.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 please explain again why you two are together Because I love him and don't want to let him go. He loves me too, even if he isn't ready to get married right now. Yes, I realize sometimes love isn't enough, but since we do love each other and DO have some great times together we are willing to work on it.
Touche Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 There are a lot of issues. The timeline for marriage is just one of them. And frankly, I think it is the smallest issue, because none of the others will be changed by a ring on your finger. You will still be in fights about how to iron shirts, how to respect one another etc. It wouldn't surprise if there wouldn't be more fights, after a marriage. Totally agree with this. I can almost guarantee that if they got married this year, it would escalate and get worse. No doubt about it. LB, he seems like a good guy at heart, he's just not for you. You both don't accept each other as you are. I've said this a zillion times. If you have to constantly try to twist yourselves into a pretzel to stop the fighting and please each other, then you're not a match. He needs someone way more laid-back and secure. Someone who isn't ready for marriage now. Someone to just hang out with when he wants to. Someone who cooks and keeps the place spotless. You need someone who makes your feelings and needs a priority most of the time. Someone who is completely devoted to you and wants marriage and children within a year or two. Someone who doesn't mind doing most of the cleaning and cooking. (And yes there ARE men like that!) You're just wrong for each other.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 This might be your biggest concern right now, but it isn't his. You two argue about money, how time is spent, how tidy things have to be, when to respect commitments made to each other, how to fight fair, etc. We don't fight about money. We used to, but not anymore. Maybe cleaning, but that's because he is a neat freak and I'm not. We reached a compromise on that, seems to be working well. He can be controlling and snap at me, but I am not submissive and won't stand for it. That's pretty much why we get into it. And that is probably where the mismatch is...
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