RoadtoRepair Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Hello All.. I am in need of advice. After a 9 month affair / 2 year friendship I ended the relationship cold a month ago. For most of the 2 year friendship (after the physical relationship) I kept engaging the person because she was always threatening to tell my wife. I would start to pull away, she would threaten to tell on me, and so I would talk to her again. This cycle would repeat itself and each time the threat increased until she emailed my wife. The email to my wife was innocent enough but I never trusted that person again - she was pure evil. As well, she said she was working at her marriage and that was fine by me. From about last June I started to pull away and again the threats started - this time even more aggressive. About three months ago I had accidently left an email on my phone and my wife saw. She knew the person and immediately knew what was happening. I stopped contacting the person permanently from that moment. After I ignored her for a few weeks and she emailed my family members and my wife again. She threatened to come to my house with letters and stuff to show my wife. By this time my wife knew everything and we were writing her back. We said "come on down" and logged a case with the local police. Long story short, she did not make it, sent an email saying she could not go through with it and promised to leave me alone forever. TWO weeks went by (or TWO WEEKS AGO) I get an email saying she misses me and us. I ignore it. ONE WEEK AGO I get an email from her husband saying she is a wreck and demanding I meet with her for closure so he can have his wife back. MONDAY I get an email and a letter mail that she will meet with me regardless of my wants (I told her I did not want to see her and to stop contacting me and that the police have been notified). She said were were going to meet and it will happen sooner. MY QUESTION.. she claims she wants closure. My wife, me and my theapist all BALK at this claim. She is using that to control me and to get me to meet her. I made a promise to my wife that I would not contact her again and closed all phone numbers, emails and means to contact me except actually coming to my house. I have not contacted her since Dec 31 and that was with my wife. She claimed she loves her husband in one email and then again says she needs closure to move on. I do not even belive that email came from him as I think she set up an email account to look like his. What do you all think? Does she deserve closure? Do you belive in closure? Please keep back the negative comments.. and I do realize I am lucky my wife is working with me to save our marraige.. I am mostly interested in your opinions on Closure? Especailly we are both married and both spouses know and both working on fixing our marraiages... thanks!
65tr6 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 What do you all think? Does she deserve closure? Do you belive in closure? Please keep back the negative comments.. and I do realize I am lucky my wife is working with me to save our marraige.. As you said you are lucky that your wife is working with you to save your marriage. There is no such thing as a closure in an affair. NC is for life from this point on.
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Yes, this woman has potiental to become a BUNNY BOILER. HER husband has to deal with her, not you. And this OW has to make her OWN closure. DO NOT email her or return any of her calls.. I agree with OWL 100% too.
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 It's good that you and your wife are together on this - And that she's willing to work through things, give you a chance to prove that you're worthy of that chance.. Do marriage counselling.
anne1707 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Concentrate on your wife and your marriage. The ex is just manipulating the situation and will continue to do so whilst you let her. NC is the only way forward for everybody. Good luck
Author RoadtoRepair Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Thank you.. we are working hard and it is not without its own challenges. However, having BUNNY BOLIER and her "husband" popping around and into our life every few weeks with a threatening email does not make it any easier. We have two young children and the last thing we want is to expose them to this. I am in counselling now - alone - and if my wife decides to join me, great. If not, I have issues I want some answers to. Hopefully, together, we will get through this and all be stronger for it. thank you all for your input.. TRO is next step.. just in case!
LakesideDream Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Psyco.. Bunny Boiler. Your story scares the hell out of me and I'm single. I agree with the previous poster get an Order of Protection, change your phone, cell, and email address's, keep your doors locked and put foil on the windows so she can't see in. And BTW "closure" was made up by Oprah and Dr. Phil. It's psycobabble. And..... pray for her husband. He wants her back.
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 ONE WEEK AGO I get an email from her husband saying she is a wreck and demanding I meet with her for closure so he can have his wife back I have a strong feeling her husband is NOT aware of the affair.. What husband begs his wife's ex affair partner to meet up with his wife, to have closure so HE can have his wife back? And then she slips in more emails to you, telling you sooner rather than later you two will meet up, that she misses you? Something STINKS big time here.. Or, the H is just as crazy as she is..I think it's her pretending to be him .. Unless you've actually spoken to him on the phone, but even then, if she is manipulative, she could have had a friend pretend to be her husband.. I don't know! Stay safe!
Reggie Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 In lieu of closure, may I suggest gift certificates for aroma therapy, chanting and tree hugging classes, a lifetime supply of petuly oil and a man purse for her husband(throw in a beret for him , too.)
smarterthanbefore Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 OMG. She sounds absolutely crazy. Please be careful and really safegaurd your wife and kids. This is another reason why affairs are a bad idea. You never know what nut you are bringing into you and your families life. This could prove to be very dangerous. You never know how crazy a person is until you have broken their heart. I bet you thought she was sane until you had an affair with her. I hope this is a lesson learned. I would really hate for you wife to be physically harmed because you couldn't fight the temptation of an affair. The guilt you would feel would be unbearable. PLease be safe, for you and your family. I pray the OW wake up and leave your family in peace. I'll be thinking of you.
NoIDidn't Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 No such thing as closure. Its called Acceptance. She needs to accept that the A is over and move on. Definitely get a Protective Order against her.
smarterthanbefore Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 oh, by the way, OW do not need closure. She needs a restraining order. You owe your wife complete NC under any circumstance. Granting the OW closure will only make your wife feel you are putting the OW needs ahead of hers. Your wife have enough emotional pain to deal with, as well as added fear for her and your kids saftey from this nut job you brought in her life. It's bad enough she has to deal with this, but to give the OW any kind of consideration woud be such a set back towards you and your wifes recovery. It would also be even more disrespect thrown on your wife. She has been disrespected enough with the affair that took place. Besides, OW is just trying to get your attention so she can cause even more harm, as if the two of you haven't caused your wife enough harm. Get a restrianing order and concentrate on protecting and making amends with your wife.
smarterthanbefore Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 No such thing as closure. Its called Acceptance. She needs to accept that the A is over and move on. Definitely get a Protective Order against her. I agree, closure is just a term made up by shrinks and oprah. She just needs to move on.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 She doesn't need closure, she needs a counsellor. She's basically the same as an addict. The thing she's addicted to is you. You don't break a drug addiction by going back for "just one more hit", any more than she brings "closure" to an affair by seeing you just one more time. Her husband needs to man up and put his foot down. He shouldn't be agreeing to this -- it's only making his situation worse.
MSUE Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 STALKER!!! obsesive behaviour like this often ends in dangerous outcome...restraining order she won't be allowed around ur residence and your family
desertmoon Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 oh wow...definitely, a STALKER! The problem with psychos like her is a restraining order usually does not work, it will only make her behavior worse. She will find other ways to get to you. She definitely does not need closure. She needs to be medicated. Your options are limited, like what some have suggested get a restraining order, tell your counselor about it, your pastor (if you have one), tell family members, tell the school ( your kids have to be protected from this woman!), MOVE!
NoIDidn't Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I know this may be perceived as negativity, but its just me musing "aloud". Why the MM never see this potential in their OWs is beyond me. I don't understand it myself. It sounds like abused woman syndrome. Where the woman thinks his jealousy is cute or protective until after a couple of beatdowns. Do the MPs not see that their APs are crazy? Well, I guess the MP in this case was stuck in the A as she kept threatening to tell his W. Not a good excuse to me, but conflict avoiders constantly fall into this trap and should really rethink the whole affair thing if they think there is a possibility of getting a bunny boiler that they will be afraid to cross. Okay, sorry about that. Back to the topic at hand. 1
blueintheface Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I think in lieu of the 2 yearr blackmail scheme, closure does not exist in this woman's world. Just wondering why did u pick her?
2sure Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 First, you can count on your instinct that her husband does not know and did not send the email. She is not stable and you played a part in this. The only victims are your wife and her husband. Please do not list yourself with your wife as a victim. Regardless of your reasons you were an active participant. The reasons are simply justifications. Her insistance on closure may be sincere but desperate or it may just be a means of control as you described. She is no more entitled to it than she was entitled to involve herself in your wifes life (having the affair). You need to take this whole process where it belongs. Her doorstep. Right now her actions are only affecting your wife and you. Until they affect her, she will continue believing she can get control. Forward all correspondence to the other victim - her husband. Unless that happens the problem remains your wife's.
Author RoadtoRepair Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Hello All.. Sorry for the long delay, I have been away… I will answer as many as I can.. MSUE – I am very afraid for what she may or will do.. I am looking into a TRO and or anything else that will keep her away or hold her accountable if she does act out. BENTNOTBROKEN – No, that snatch was not worth it – then or now. It was the stupidest thing I have done. I am wondering how I will ever explain myself to my kids?!?! There are zillions of things you just don’t care to think about when you are doing that.. short-sightedness is a killer! DESERTMOON – moving is certainly an option. Fortunately she lives 100 miles away… NOIDIDN’T – you are right. At the beginning of any relationship we are on our best behaviour and with an A, exposure time is limited so you don’t get the full picture until its too late – as in this case. I did see some signs of her craziness with how she handled her H’s past.. then when her H was sexually emailing a colleague and I saw how livid she went, I knew she was ficked up. Good observation on the conflict avoider call! I do try to make things happy and avoid conflict. Something about me I am hoping to better understand and correct in therapy. If I “mann’d up” sooner, this would have been put to rest and probably not as psychotic as it is. BLUEINTHEFACE – you are right about closure, for her it is control. Ironically she would not let her H have closure with his EX when she came around looking for it – she was pissed off he even asked for it!!! Not sure why I picked her. I thought she was different but slowly started to see major issues. By then the blackmail was too much and I was stuck. Throw in a lot of personal issues and the situation became stagnant until it blew up last year.. now, it’s just one day at a time! 2SURE – Everything you say is absolutely true. I do not think he sent me anything – I think she wrote it like him hoping I would call him.. Maybe she is trying to sabotage her own marriage and hoping that me confronting him will do that… another reason why NC is the only way.. And honestly, I don’t really care to read that much into anything she does. I know I am not a victim as much as my W and her H are, and I never meant any disrespect to my wife or a reader. I know I did this, caused this and lied to perpetuate this. You make a great point. I few times I have suggested we drive over there and settle it all – with everyone. My wife disagrees and I kind of do to. She appears to be all about control and reaction and anything she gets satisfies that. I think the best course is to ignore and she goes away and if she is serious, she will bring to my door. Until then, she is cowardly sending hate emails and letters to hurt..
jj33 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 You have gotten some good advice. I would not ignore it. Someone who says we will meet, based on her prior behavior? As others have said, t his sounds like a case for a restraining order and return emails to her H if you know his email address -- but how would you know that. It may not be bullet proof but its a start and her H would certainly know. She doesnt just sound like a bunny boiler she IS a bunny boiler she just doesnt have the bunny yet. If you know her address how about a letter from your attorney hand delivered to her husband threatening a restraining order. If he didnt know before he will then... Why dont you change your email address? that is so so easy. Or block her emails so that they get sent back to her. There are so many things that you can do that you have not done. Why? Same with your cell phone if she is calling you? Block her calls. Change your number. Does she know where you live? Does she have your address? Is there any reason why you cant get a new unlisted number? Good luck.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 What do you all think? Does she deserve closure? Dunno. I don't believe anyone that screws a MM/MW deserves anything as does the MM/MW themselves. What do you think she deserves? You obviously felt something for her before deciding to go back to your wife. Ultimately the OW deserves what your wife TELLS YOU she deserves. The ball is in your wife's court and you got some cowtowing to do. but no, an OW/OM doesn't deserve closure....much less an OW that is married herself.
Author RoadtoRepair Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 To update you all, W and I went to court to get a restraining order and she will be served. Lets hope it ends peacefully! Thank you all for input and words...
addicted2love Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I haven't heard you admit to any wrong doing as far as the OW is concerned. Everyone is so quick to judge the OW and call her a psycho... Maybe your lies, broken promises and manipulation of her emotions made her snap. Did you tell your OW how horrible your W and M are? How you can't wait until the day you can be with her forever? How happy she makes you? Only to throw her under the bus when your guilt finally caught up with you? Or when you got caught...of course your OW is a nut case, it validates your own wrong doing. Be honest you strung her along and promised her the world then tossed her aside when you were done with her. You destroyed her emotions and then expected her to walk away quietly with her heart in a million pieces. She has letters and emails from you professing your undying "love". But you need a restraining order put on her because she feels the need to reveal the truth! Now she's the awful one and you're the innocent victim who wants his wife for forgive his "mistake". Yes an A is wrong on every level and we all make mistakes. But it's just down right cruel to manipulate a woman's emotions and then toss her aside like garbage in order to make yourself look better. Own your actions. It's alright to feel bad about what you did to BOTH your W and your OW. They BOTH deserve respect. You are the one who put them in this position.
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