MissDee Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I've been friends with this one guy for over 3 years now and I have this huge crush on him as well. We've always talked on/off throughout our entire relationship because he lives quite a distance away from me (2 hours). Well, maybe not so much in the beginning before we started hanging out, but ever since we first hung out alone together things have been confusing. I've only hung out with him alone about 5/6 times within 3 years. When we did see each other, he totally flaked out on me. I would stay the night and he would somehow end up kicking me out the next morning - in fact, this happened twice. He later claimed it was because he was "very ill" both times. I just thought he was making up excuses but he really was pretty sick. Also, I should add - I always send him pictures of myself whenever he asks and sometimes just randomly. Usually they're normal pictures (face) but I did send him a lot of nude-esque pictures of myself. I don't regret it or anything since I am attracted to him and do want to be with him in that way. Anyway, the second to last time I saw him he kicked me out because he had a bad case of strep throat and felt miserable. I took it the wrong way, stormed out and swore I wouldn't hang out with him anymore. About 1/2 months after that, he contacts me multiple times asking to hang out. I ignore him. A few months after that, probably a year in total after we last saw each other, he contacts me again. By this time I was willing to forgive him since I did miss him and told him I would hang out with him after my fall semester was over. About 3/4 months after I told him that, we hung out - which was last weekend. I sent him some pictures of myself for his birthday as well for the hell of it. Before I got there I promised myself that I wouldn't get attached. Even though I was crazy about him I hated how he just kind of blew me off and refused to talk to me for months on end. I was convinced that he didn't give a **** during those months too since that kind of behavior is unusual. So we hang out and everything was great - come time to go to bed and he was all over me. I loved it but his flakyness was still in the back of my mind. So when he wanted to hook up (me go down on him) I backed off. He got a little upset, claiming that I'm teasing him with my pictures which insisted that I want to do things with him but in reality I won't. I explained to him that I do want to be with him, both physically and emotionally, but the fact that we haven't seen each other in a while bothers me as well as his flaky misdemeanor. He told me that he does want to be with me both physically and emotionally as well; however, since we live apart, it wouldn't be fair since we'd rarely see each other. He also said that it would make matters worse since we'd always want one another to be there but can't always be; therefore, a relationship is out of the question for the time being. I agree with him but I was still on the fence about hooking up. I ended up giving him a handjob and he seemed fine with everything. When we woke up the next morning he had a family outing to go to and wasn't informed until the last minute. When he first told me about it I was upset, considering I haven't even been there for 24 hours and was looking forward to spending the entire weekend with him. I volunteered that I'd stay at his house while he was out but his reaction to that was so confusing. I asked him a number of times, "Do you want me to stay?" and his answer was some always some form of "Well, it's up to you. I don't know how long I'd be..." - so I figured he didn't really give a **** if I stayed or went. So I went. I come home and leave him an IM. "You always kick me out. :(" - jokingly. He comes back, "You could have stayed." I reply, "Well I wanted to but it didn't seem like you cared." He says, "Well I didn't know how long I was going to be." By this time I'm kinda pissed off. If you really wanted me to stay, why didn't you just TELL me? I told him that it wasn't a big deal and to forget about it - I also apologized for my behavior with not wanting to hook up. I realized what the hell, why not - why hold back on something I want to do, it's not natural. However, stupidly enough, I had the impulse to send him a few minutes of myself (not naked) posing in front of the mirror along with the apology. His only responce is "I can't figure you out =P". I then told him that I'd like to come down in two weeks and he doesn't respond. Two days later, he sends me a text: "seriously I can't figure you out." I send him a text back, apologizing AGAIN, stating that I was complicating things that shouldn't be complicated (which is true) and that I feel bad about it. I also said "please don't hate me" (half-joking, =P). He doesn't respond. Before I went to bed, about 13 hours after the last text message, I sent him another text message since he didn't respond to my last text: ":\". No responce. I have two major views about this situation. 1) I'm a huge cock tease and he hates hit. However, I realized it and apologized - promising I'd knock it off. He's still pissed, since he doesn't seem to give a damn about responding to me, and will probably end up not talking to me for months on end - like he has done previously. Or 2) Despite what happened he probably wouldn't have contacted me anyway since he's done so previously. Therefore, even if I DID hook up with him, he still would be acting the same way he is now. I also get the feeling that I'm some kind of booty call. I know this isn't the case because he doesn't see anyone else - in fact, he's been single for about 6 years now. He told me he doesn't hook up with anyone besides me and does have strong feelings towards me. But, why so flaky? Is it that difficult to just RESPOND to me, hell even just TALK to me sometimes? I'm not very clingy, I don't need someone to talk to me every day, but jesus - at least let me know you're alive. I don't know what to think. I don't plan on contacting him anymore until he contacts me and I have a feeling that won't be for a while. This is like a vicious cycle here filled with him not talking to me - me getting pissed at him for not talking - we hang out, everything goes fine or bad - I leave, he doesn't talk to me - etc. Anyone care to interpretate this? Sorry for the length. FYI: We've never had sex. A while ago I wanted to but he didn't want to because of the "attachment". Then he wanted to and I didn't want to. And now we both don't want to.
Lucky_One Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Whether he sees anyone else, whether he hooks up with anyone else, you are still just a booty call. I can't see anything else that you might be to him. Stop sending him naked pictures. He knows what you look like naked, and if he wanted to see you, then he would CALL you and ask you on a proper date and treat you like he would treat a girlfriend.
Lucky555 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 What do you want with this guy. Your not getting a realtionship from him he has stated this, therefore he is not going to invest himself in it...except for sex. I think the guy is flaky I agree with this. This is because your "friends with benefits" which in his case he is not close to you emotionally and you want to be close with him emotionally. Can you find another man who is closer to you? He is not responding to you and it sounds like he contacts you when he needs something. I know you must be semi-attached to this guy, I know he is probably attractive to you, You like being with him and think hes wonderful when your with him. BUT: What do you need? Do you need to be responded to? Do you need to feel emotionally and close to someone, because this dude is NOT doing any of these. I think even if you tell him the stuff you need he won't be able to do these things. I almost ended up in a situation like yours and the guy was 2 hours away. I was crazy about him, but I knew what i needed and could not go through with a relationship (even though he wanted to). So what do you want to do now? Do you want to continue being ignored and contacted only when HE wants to contact you? OR do you want to find another guy who can meet your needs?
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Yikes, does this stuff really go on? A dysfunctional marriage is starting to sound like a pretty safe haven.... Drama addiction....don't know if that's a real definition, but certainly seems applicable. It may not seem that way now, OP, but a time will come when 3 years is a huge part of life to waste on this. Assume the guy's flaky and move on, please
Author MissDee Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 I do want to be with him, I've WANTED to be with him for a while now. We both mutually agreed that it would be tough because of the distance. I really don't have a problem with it since I'm pretty busy - just seeing him once a month would be fine. I think if he just responded to my text message, even just an "alright", I would be fine with everything. He contacts me with an open-ended question - I answer expecting a response - no response. Overall, I'm fine with not hearing from him for a while. We're both busy and the distance is an inconvenience. I don't need someone to always be there for me. I guess I just don't like how he's so unpredictable. I'd like to have at least a "once a month" date set. :\
Treasa Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Whether he sees anyone else, whether he hooks up with anyone else, you are still just a booty call. I can't see anything else that you might be to him. Stop sending him naked pictures. He knows what you look like naked, and if he wanted to see you, then he would CALL you and ask you on a proper date and treat you like he would treat a girlfriend. Well that saved me time! Now I don't have to type all of that out myself.
xjadex Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 If he had any kind of feelings for you, a 2 hour distance wouldn't be an issue for him.. If there was any remote interest, he'd be contacting you regularly and consistently and follow it up with meetings. I personally can't see what you are to him.
Tomcat33 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Everyone has given you good advice but in particular pay close attention to what Lucky555 wrote, she is bang on! MisDee you HAVE been sending him the wrong messages, at this point he is probably just pizzed at you for teasing him. If you are going to send him naked pics of yourself you had better be ready to follow that up with real live actions, otherwise he will think you are playing with him. It sounds like he has NO interest in anything more than just a sexual hook up with you at this point so unless you can handle that, which you CLEARLY can't since you are already too emotionally involved, then I would cut all ties with him. You say you "tell yourself that you promise you won't get attached" before you go and see him but the reality is you are in WAY over your head emotionally, you want more than just sex with him so stop kidding yourself into thinking you can seperate the emotional from the physical because you can't. Emotions cannot be controlled, you can't say "I will not feel" a certain way about something, you have no power over what you feel, you can only control how you act out of those feelings, actions can be controlled emotions cannot. So don't kid yourself into thinking "I will be with him and not get emotionally attached" when your heart is telling you otherwise. We women tend to do that, we tend to think we can not fall for someone when we already have. He's already consumed enough of your thoughts which goes to show he is not just someone you think of casually you really want this guy and he is not offering you anything in return other than a few moments of jollies. Is that all you want to settle for?
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