Wanting to make the LDR a regular InTownRelationship (ITR)

[BrownEyes25]

Hi everyone...I am so glad to have found this forum!! It feels good to know that there are others dealing with similar problems in a LDR and that I am not alone. So here goes my story:

 

I met a guy on facebook (I know...weird right?), well he actually added me as a friend, and I of course accepted his friendship after seeing his photo. This was in June. I figured since I didn't know him personally it was just going to be that...another unknown "friend" added to my facebook list that I will never talk to. Well one day he sent me an email and we kinda hit it off. I knew he lived 500 miles from me so I was definitely just taking the whole ordeal as just a cool guy, that makes me laugh and that I can talk. After the emails got kind of mundane, since we were sending them so much, he gave me his number to call him. I swallowed my nerves and called him a couple of days later. From that point on, we talked on the phone everyday and would text also...this was going on for months!! I had never had a guy give me such attention. Our connection was very strong and as the time went on, it only got stronger. I dealt with a death in my family, a loss of a friend, and the loss of my job...and he was there through it all. So you can only imagine how close we were/are.

 

So almost 8 months later, this guy has a hold on me and my heart...he doesn't know how deep, because I love him:love: and have never loved a guy before(my relationships never lasted long or were not that meaningful). He cares alot about me, as I for him, but like I said, he doesn't know HOW deeply I care for him. Should I tell him how I feel??

 

He has been in a LDR before, and has his reservations but at the same time won't let me go. So here's the question, do you think the man should move for the woman or in this day and age the woman can move to where the man is?? Right now in my life, I have nothing in Texas but my family and friends (with whom I will miss greatly, but to find love is rare)...I am unemployed, whereas he has a job he really likes. I wouldn't move anytime soon, but it is definitely a thought because I know it would work out if either of us took that plunge. If anyone could relay any advice my way, it would be greatly appreciated;)

[unacceptable62]

If you think it would work, I say definitely do it. If you had any reservations, I would think about holding off. After all, moving so far away is a really big commitment.

 

Since you are unemployed, it would probably be *easier* for you to move than for him to have to quit and find another job, but y'all should talk about it. Obviously don't do anything until you have talked extensively to him about it. June->February is not a great deal of time, and it might scare him a lot if you just announced that you were thinking about moving to where he is.

[You'reasian]

Hi Browneyes25,

 

I am happy for your situation. Its important that both of your families know well in advance of this move - because your families will merge and become one. Family will be your support, no matter where the two of you end up and of course you will support and love each other.

 

The two of you should discuss finances and budgeting as well. When a family starts out, it is important to manage spending, investing etc.

 

I wish you the best of luck with this. Keep us updated.

[BrownEyes25]

Thank you so much unacceptable62 and You'reasian...you're advice was great!! Yea I would definitely talk to him about it beforehand, just I have a thing about bringing that kind of stuff up, lol, I'd rather text it or email him. But this is something I woould definitely have to do in person preferably or over the phone. He visited for a weekend, this past weekend and we had such a great time. The more I see him, the more time I want to spend with him...over the past 7, almost 8 months, we have seen each other 3 times and it sucks each time its time to go or for him to leave. Oh, the joys of a LDR, lol!! Anyways, thanks again for the advice. I guess the woman taking a stand in the relationship isn't such a bad thing, huh?!?! Lol!! My friends think the guy should be the one...

[unacceptable62]

I am very happy for you because you seem genuinely excited about this.

 

I am in a LDR myself (I get to see my girlfriend once a month, except over the summer), and I have found that it has grown our relationship immeasurably. The trust factor between us is huge.

[Cora]

Hi BrownEyes25! First of all I just wanted to say I'm so happy for you and I hope things work out for you guys!!!

 

Your situation sounds a little similar to mine. I met my guy online back in June too!! LOL it's been great getting to know each other over these past 7 almost 8 months. I have never felt a connection so strong in my life. The sad part about it is he lives over 600 miles away in New Jersey The even sadder part is we haven't been able to meet in person yet which i'm dying to do!! We have both agreed though as soon as a chance arrises we are gonna take it! It has been far too long in my opinion lol. If things go well I plan on someday moving up there to be with him. It would just be easier for me to do so since like you I am unemployed at the moment and don't really have anything holding me here except family and friends. Oh of course I would miss it here terribly since this is where I grew up and spent the majority of my childhood. But I feel as though my home is with him. That sounds strange I know. I just want to be where he is always. As soon as I can finish my teaching certification, hopefully I can find a job up there. Eeek that's what scares me the most! Hopefully things will work out though. It's just been so incredible these past months talking to him through IM, email, text, phone calls, etc... The first picture I ever saw of him, I was in love right then and there lol. Now I think we must have exchanged hundreds!! He was there for me when I lost my job and I was there for him when he almost lost his grandmother. Hours have been spent on the phone talking, crying, laughing etc.. His family knows all about me and I feel like I know all about them, even got to talk to his brother. My family still doesn't know about him but I'm working on it. They aren't too accepting but that's another story lol.

 

Anyways I didn't mean to steal your thread or anything, just wanted to say I can understand what you are going through and how you feel. It's difficult being in love with someone so far away. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is him telling me well you know it wont always be like this. We will be together soon. So no I don't see anything wrong with the woman taking the plunge and doing the moving. Sometimes it just works out better that way depending on the situation. I would pick up everything and move tomorrow if I could but I know that would really be jumping the gun since we have yet to meet. So that will def come first! If only time could go by quicker!! LOL

 

Hang in there and I wish you two the best of luck!! You guys seem like a really happy couple and I'm so excited for you both!

[BrownEyes25]

Unacceptable62, thanks I am very happy and I am happy to see that you and your girlfriend are making it work. It warms my heart to see relationships like the ones we have, which could be difficult, work out great!! It gives me hope that there could be a great future for me and him. Have you and your girlfriend been together for awhile??

 

Wow!! Cora, you and I may have more in common than you think....I, too, am working on my teacher certification!! I figured that once I completed it, I could find employment where he is also. I like to see that there is someone in the same boat as me and maybe we can give each other advice, lol!! I told one of my friend's today something similar to what you said..."while this is my home and I'll miss my family and friends, I want to be with him...I want to follow love". So believe me, that does not sound strange at all (I feel the same way!!)...I think the great thing with LDR's is that you get a more emotional connection than physical, then emotional, you know?!? Cuz seriously that's how I feel for my guy...I do want to be with him so bad and am so excited about what the future has in store for us. I have never had these feelings for a guy before...its crazy!!! Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, we are one in the same, lol!! And I wish you the best of luck also. I would move in a heartbeat myself...oh and once ya'll do meet face to face, you are gonna fall even harder, lol!! Me and my guy met face to face, 2 months after meeting on facebook...I swear to this day I get butterflies in my stomach when I see his name pop up on my phone or when we've hung out in person (which has only been 3 times). But anyways girlie, it was great sharing stories with you...when do ya'll plan on meeting??

[Cora]

LOL it really is a small world BrownEyes25!! I am so excited also to see that we have even more things in common! I know what you mean about getting those butterflies everytime you see his name pop up on your phone. Wow do I get those too!!! I can never get enough of hearing his voice. It was so nice today because I haven't heard from him in awhile and we were talking on instant messanger when he said he had to go to work. Well I asked him when I would hear from him again since his schedule is so hectic and I never know when it will be. He said soon. Haha 5 seconds later he was calling me. So yeah I def get those butterflies!!!

 

I'm not really sure when we will meet. We haven't really set a date yet but we have been talking about it ALOT!! I am so ready!! So much has been going on right now in both of our lives that we really haven't had a chance. We were hoping that when we meet we could make it at least a weeks visit so that we could spend alot of time together but at this point I'll take just a day with him just so I can finally hold him in my arms and say hey you are real LOL!! I will admit I'm a bit nervouse about meeting him too. I guess I'm a little afraid that the awesome connection we have over the phone and online wont be there in person. I mean I have spent almost 8 months talking to this incredible person, sharing so much of myself with him and growing emotionally together! To have all of that end when you meet face to face would just be devastating for me!!! You did give me some hope though when you said we will fall even harder for each other once we meet. LOL I guess right now I'm just gonna hope for the best! It's okay to be a bit nervous right? Anyways I'm so glad I have met someone on here who has such a similar story to mine. We can help each other get through. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to!

[BrownEyes25]

Yea Cora, I so admire your patience. When I haven't spoken to my guy in a while I get so worried sometimes...I just think that maybe he's lost interest in me or something, but then I'll talk to him or see him and feel different. I've never loved a guy before and this, I will admit...is hard. The emotions and up and down I get is so crazy, lol...I guess I'll get it together one of these days:)

 

Surprisingly enough, I thought the same thing about meeting in person...but I will def tell you that once you meet in person, it will all be so much better!! When I met him the first time, he had to pick me up from the airport...I swear when he said he was coming around the corner in his car...my heart started beating fast, my palms became sweaty, lol!! And then I saw him, I was like wow!! I was nervous but loosened up that night and the connection we had over the phone and online was just as intense....so believe me you will be A-Ok!! You will def have to keep me posted on ya'lls meeting...I'm excited for you and can't wait!!

[Cora]

Thank you BrownEyes25, it hasn't been easy at all waiting to meet this man. I have been wanting to meet him in person since the first month we began talking. Today has been one of those days where I'm missing him terribly. I just sit here sometimes and wonder what he is doing, or how his day is going? I just wish I could be there with him. You know be a part of his everyday life. I know that in a way I am but it would just be so much better if I could do it in person. Grrr this is so tough sometimes. I just wish I could do little everyday things with him that normal couples get to do and sometimes may even take for granted. Sometimes we will joke around and he'll say you wanna go to a movie tonight babe? Better yet how about dinner and a movie? I'll say sounds good, and he'll say okay I'll be there in about 12 hours to pick you up. Grrr then reality sets in again and I remember oh yeah that's right we are 12 hours away from each other! If only we could really do things like that. I know someday we will. It's just so hard because it's always someday, never tomorrow night, or next week, or next month even just someday.

 

I fear sometimes that he will get tired of all the miss you's, and wish you could be here, and someday we will be together, and if only we lived closer etc... I fear that he will tire of it all and just decide that finding someone closer would be much easier. I fear he may give up on me and on us. He has given me no indication whatsoever that he feels this way, it's just my own fears and insecurities. I am even starting to apply for jobs in his area. Is this jumping the gun on my part? I mean for me to be already thinking about moving up there before meeting him? This is the first real guy I have ever fallen for. Just my luck huh? The first guy I really fall in love with is LD. I would give up everything just for a moment with him. I am starting to dream about him more. I guess it's from wanting to be with him so badly. I must have checked my phone a hundred times today making sure he didn't call and I just didn't hear it. LOL sometimes I think if this doesn't drive me insane then I don't think anything will. I can't say it enough, I love this man so very much!!! Thanks for the encouragement and I will def keep you posted!!! You hang in there as well and we can try to keep each other going!

[BrownEyes25]

Girl I so feel you on the the intense emotions and difficulty of this type of relationship. I didn't plan for this at all and sometimes I feel like maybe I should just let him and the whole idea of us being together, go. It's just so hard because I have such strong feelings for him, I love him...and I know he cares about me, but how much? Like we haven't talked about the moving thing or the fact that I love him...I have no idea how to bring it up, what do you think I should do...help??

 

We used to joke around like that all the time...he'll be like I'm about to come over there and hang out with you, be there in 15, lol!! Knowing he lives 7-8 hours away!! Or he'll call me while he's at the grocery store and be like what do you want from here...you need anything, lol!! The weird thing is non of that really happens or hasn't happened lately...so I almost feel (like what you were saying) like he's bored with it and me. I'm just so confused:confused:...I had the same kind of day you had apparently. And girl I am 25 about to be 26 in 5 weeks and he's the first guy I've fallen for too...it so crazy, it hurts. Because I don't want to imagine my life without him and sometimes I think maybe he may be talking to someone else over there or just doesn't care about us anymore. He's never came out and said any of this, but my trust issues with guys are crazy and this type of situation makes it worse, lol!! I don't think anyone chooses a LDR, it just happens, cuz that's what happened with me and him...you just gain feelings and they become deeper...

 

Now about the job thing...I don't think its bad that you're looking for employment over there and applying to places. Maybe if you get an interview and fly over there, that will give you a chance to get a feel for the city, a chance for ya'll to meet and a way for you to know if this is the route you want to take, you know. Have you told him about it?? We def have to keep each other going, lol!!

[Cora]

Yeah I agree that the job thing would be a good way to meet him as well and see if this is really going to work out. It would also give me an excuse to tell my family why I'm flying out to NJ since they know nothing about him lol. I do plan on telling them as soon as we meet each other and I know for sure that this is it, you know. I just think it would be easier that way since my family isn't too keen on the whole idea of meeting someone online and falling in love thing. I will say it hasn't been easy keeping him a secret from them for eight months!

 

Today I got some bad news....I just found out that a job I recently went for an interview for here where I live chose someone else for the position. I was a bit upset over that and the fact that I got a notice today stating that my unemployment had run out. On the other hand I was contacted today by one of the jobs I applied for in his area asking me if I was planning on relocating anytime soon. I'm not sure if this is a sign or what? But I'll take what I can get lol. I had just applied for the job last night so I wasn't expecting to hear anything back from them so soon. It would def be a dream come true if I was able to get a job in his area. Wow to finally be so close to him and never have to be apart again. Anyways I'm not getting my hopes up yet just trying to stay positive! He doesn't know about it yet. He knew that I was kind of causually applying for jobs in his area once before but he doesn't know about recently and that I'm more serious now lol. I was going to tell him but I missed his call today grrr. After not hearing from him in three days I miss his call ahhh!! LOL but he did leave me a really sweet voicemail and a text saying how much he loves and misses me and that he would try and call me again later. He had just arrived at work so I wasn't able to call him back.

 

About your situation, has he told you he loves you yet? Luckily I never had to bring it up since he told me he loved me after about a month or two of talking everyday non stop lol. Maybe that was too soon, I don't know. Then you have the fact that we haven't met in person yet so it could have been too soon. It just felt right at the time and when I told him I loved him back it felt so natural! The best was actually hearing him say it for the first time on the phone. I thought I was going to cry. My heart absolutely melted! Does he ever talk about his feelings toward you? I know guys don't usually like to talk about that sort of thing and sometimes they don't have to because you just know how they feel, you know. I think if you really feel that it's the right time to tell him then you should. I would just start off by saying something like....you know these past eight months with you have been incredible etc.. Talk about all the good times you guys have shared and how much you have gotten to know him and have grown to care about him deeply. Just go from there and the words should come naturally. But that's just my opinion lol, you can say whatever you want! I bet he feels that exact same way but was prob just afraid of bringing it up or like you maybe didn't know how to bring it up. Guys are just like that sometimes LOL. After you two have had that talk the moving talk will just come naturally. Two people who truly love each other is def going to want to be with each other and end the distance eventually. Have you guys ever talked about what it would be like if you lived closer? Has he ever brought up anything about it?

 

Good luck with that and let me know how it goes!! We just have to keep staying positive and everything will work out!! I truly believe that!!!

[BrownEyes25]

I can imagine keeping him from the family has been hard...I was so happy to have finally met someone that treated me good and that I had a connection with, that I excitedly shared it with my mom and sis, later on my dad found out from my sister's fiance (darn her, lol, jk). But I think that would be so cool if you did go interview with that one place that contacted you. I am such a believer in signs and I think it may have been a sign;) I don't think that after a month or two him telling you he loved you was too soon, that's how he and you felt and I think that is so awesome. He did tell me around that time that he was really feeling me and it was weird cuz we hadn't even met yet...so similar, but not quite, lol!!

 

I hate you missed his call, but I hope you did get to speak with him afterall? He sounds like a busy man...my guy has no excuse, lol, jk!! But I do want to thank you, cuz you gave me the confidence boost I needed to relay my feelings to him. I appreciate the helpful dialogue to use as well, I wrote out what I was going to say on paper, lol!! I probably won't read from it, but want to have it so I don't miss any important details, crazy weird I know, lol!

 

He has never really came out and said too much, he's told me that he likes me alot and thinks about me all of the time, I'm such a wonderful person and he just wishes our situation was different. That's pretty much it, nothing concrete and nothing that mentions of our future, you know. So if the talk ends up not going in my favor, I am a strong woman and will survive like I've always done. I guess he's not the only fish in the sea as they put it...although it would hurt tremendously:( I just know that I am a catch and deserve so much...I don't want to be lonely my whole life but at the same time don't want to waste my time on someone who doesn't see what they have or reciprocate the feelings I have for him. With all that said, I am staying positive and hoping for the best. I decided to get the talk out of the way and I will be calling him today!! So I'll let you know how it ends up:eek:

[sb129]

, I have nothing in Texas but my family and friends

 

Sorry to rain on your parade, but the 'nothing' in Texas is actually something HUGE!

 

I have left my family and friends to live with a guy in his hometown, and it was really really hard to give up my support network. It took a long time to make friends.

 

Also, do you not think it would be wise to at least meet once or twice in person before you make such a big decision as moving to be with him?

Nothing to lose by doing this.....

[BrownEyes25]

Hi sb129!! Thanks so much for your reply and advice. I have actually met him, we've seen each other three times in our 8 months of knowing each other...I've been there twice and he's been here once. Luckily, I also have two girl cousins whom live in the same area:) So I think I would be ok in that aspect, plus I'm a pretty friendly person, lol! I think my problem boils down to knowing how he truly feels for me and if its worth the change in my geographical location...which hopefully I'll find out today, lol!! So I may or may not stay a Texan, lol...we shall see how he feels:) But thanks again, I appreciate the advice.

[Cora]

I'm so glad you decided to have that talk with him today. I'm sure if you haven't had it yet it will go great and I bet he feels the same way!! I know how difficult it can be to have serious conversations with them like that. You never know how they will react. After I had that first talk with mine, I was no longer nervous because I knew after that I could talk to him about anything. He made me feel so comfortable and I realized I got all worked up for nothing. I felt so silly LOL. I knew from then on how lucky I am to have found him and that he understands me so well. You two seem to have an awesome connection so I know everything will work out!!

 

Well even though I missed his call yesterday we did get to talk back and forth through text for a bit until he got busy at work. Of course it wasn't the same as being able to hear his voice but I'll take what I can get!! I am missing him terribly today because I haven't heard a word from him all day. Ahh this distance is sucking so bad right now!! He recently got a new job and his work schedule changes so much now that I never know when we will be able to talk next. He has gotten better now about texting me more just to say hello, I miss you, thinking about you, or sorry I can't talk at the moment but will call you as soon as I get a break. But today nothing grrr. I hate days like this and the worst part about it is i know there will be more of them to come. We have an understanding that we may not hear from one another daily but when those days come it still doesn't suck any less!!! HAHA I don't know what is worse.......this torturous wait to finally meet him or missing him terribly especially on days when I don't hear from him? Like I said before this is so tough but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world......except for being closer to him of course!! hehe

 

Let me know how it went!!! I'm excited to hear all about it!!!