briteyes Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I am going threw a divorce !! i am completely beside myself!! I have cheated and so has he, but he says since his was only a EA that it wasnt as bad!! I feel like i am going crazy. i ran away from the fact that i didn't feel loved and i knew he was cheating but i turned my head cause i figured i deserved it!! Rite when i knew i couldn't take anymore i ended my last EA he found the email ending it!! i am so angry because i want my marriage i just never knew how to talk to him!! I feel so cheated because he has had a year and a half long EA and dismisses it !! now i am doing a lot of changing for myself!! i have finally stopped running away and for the first time in a long time i have allowed myself to feel!! He says i see you changed but u r doing what everyone does u just asking me to stay cause it normal reaction!! BS i am not that way i have never been!! i have fallen head over heals back in love with him!! we talk now we get along !! the sex is wonderful!! And he says i cant trust you and i don't love you anymore!! we have talked about my pain but he still only has said a lil bit about his!! So many things have gotten so much better and now hes moving out at the end of feb!! I don't get it when it was bad and we ignored each other you wanted to stay and claimed you tried to make it work but just being there is not trying !! now when we have had a break through you want to leave!! Help anyone i feel like i am gonna loose my mind!!
lkjh Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I don't know what to tell you. Did you sleep with the OM? Have you been honest with your H? What steps have you taken to show your change?
Gunny376 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 The more you pursue the harder he will run away, and that's a fact. What you've got to do is first regain control of your emotions, for the one that controls their emotions controls the relationship, and it was because you weren't in control of your emotions that found yourself in this situation to begin with. Regain control of yourself, and your emotions and yourself, for it you don't do that you've no chance whatsoever of getting him back. And to get him back, you've got to let him go, so he can go out there and find that there's no one else like you. You've got a lot of good things going for you, No.# 1 being that you know him better than any other woman out there. You know that special spot on the back of his neck that send tingles down his spine when you blow on it for example. For now ~ 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead orimplore! 2. No frequent phone calls, texts, emails 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow them around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - getbusy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually startthe conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse hiswhereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you havehad an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, youare going to move on with your life, with or withoutyour spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pullback and wait to see if spouse notices and, moreimportant, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only showyour spouse happiness and contentment. Show himsomeone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put onhold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (whichmay be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makestheir feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is reallysaying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when youwant to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &focus on all the other parts of your life that are notin turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallestCONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than anywords you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when youare hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating withyour spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak inabsolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how badyou feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Check out DivorceBusting, which is where this orignally came from by Michelle Warner-Davis, and Goggle MarriageBuilders, (but stay away from the fourm, but do Google "Plan A & Plan B" articles. You've got the additional advantage of being a woman, (you don't have to build as emotional kino so much as physical kino. Basically you've got to be the female equivalent of a female PUA, and I'm sure you know how to do that. (PUA = Pickup Artitst), and when a PUA screws up a seduction, they ignore the screw up and start again from the basics and from the beginning. PUA are basically damned good salesman and the wares they're selling are themesleves. When a good salesman screws up the sale? He ignores the screw up and starts over from the beginning. And any good salesperson knows you can't lose something that you've never had? And like any good salesperson or PUA knows, you've got to factor out emotion out of the game. If you don't? Your screwed from the git-go! You need to let him go and give him the gift of "missing you" And if your in constant contact (vs NC) and always in his face, your not giving him the gift of being single and alone in a new lonely place, staring at the wall wondering? "I wonder what she's doing? And who she's doing it with? And why isn't she calling me and thinking about me? Come on, women have known for centuries ~ to get a man, you don't chase him, you get hm to chase you! Men don't want what they've already have, nor can easily have, they want what they can't have. And once they have it? They don't want it anymore. One of the main reasons my last LTR girlfriends WAS my last LTR girlfriend was because from time to time when I would get 'FRISKY" (Or want to at least), she would push me away, and tell my happy @zz: "Oh no! It doesn't come that easy! You've got to want it, need it, desire it, but most of all? You've got to WORK for it!" GRRrrrrrrrr!
Gunny376 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 "Oh no! It doesn't come that easy! You've got to want it, need it, desire it, but most of all? You've got to WORK for it!" GRRrrrrrrrr! :love: Especially when she was get all "girly" in her women finery and be flauting it in front of me! But she would also be the initiator and the aggressor sometimes ~ and I liked that to! (Although once I did push her away as I dead-beat tired! For those men that don't have a clue? Never push a woman wanting sex away ~ and I do mean never if your in a marriage or LTR! I don't give a damn if your having a freaking heart attack!) I remember the "Great "P" Drought of 1998! Got a real pretty picture in my head to this very day!
Author briteyes Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Wow that was some good advise!! thanks so much!! maybe you can help me with this one!! can you have sex with someone everyday you dont love? and i am having alot of sex with my H Lately and that is the only form of closeness i get!! how do i cut that off when he beggs and that makes me feel loved!! i have done so much wrong to him and vise versa !but i always knew he was the one!! So long story short how do i pull the nookie away!!
You'reasian Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 The more you pursue the harder he will run away, and that's a fact. I have to disagree. When a woman I'm interested in persues me, I take notice and persue her back. Come on, women have known for centuries ~ to get a man, you don't chase him, you get hm to chase you! Men don't want what they've already have, nor can easily have, they want what they can't have. And once they have it? They don't want it anymore. While I agree with you in most things Gunny, I'm going to have to disagree here. My most recent ex-gf tried to make me chase her - as you know, some jobs in the service require training that is a significant time/energy/emotional commitment - I gave what little free time during the weekdays to her, but she repeatedly made herself unavailable (either , intentionally or not) and could not be reached; perhaps a sign of her true intentions? I put up with it longer than I should have, because I'm a devoted man. I was interested in her and no one else. Once she decided to split, I decided that I wasn't going to chase her again and it was actually somewhat of a relief. The way I see it, my time is very valuable - lives may depend on it at some point. Chasing is gaming - and if she can't step up to the plate, be available, show interest when I need her during downtime - she's out in my books. I'm not gonna sway from being the man I've worked hard to become because of an indecisive, game-playing girl obviously - I'm going to wait for the right one to enjoy this devoted man and be the same genuine, loving guy that the last girl decided that she didn't want.
Gunny376 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 1. Can a man have sex with some they don't love nor have an emotional tie with? YES 2. Can a woman? Some can, most can't! Not without the "Anti-Slut-Defense-Mechansism" kicking in or at least the "After-morning-buyer's remorse" kicking in. Most PUA's know and understand this? And they know how to overcome it! PUA's aren't "players" ~ Players screw the "Game" up. They get it all wrong, and they put "C" before "A" and "A" before "B". What I'm trying to give you here in your situation is that you've got to become a female PUA! And, you've already know instintivly most of what you need to know. You've already got "Game" so play your game, and doesn't involved chasing and begging after your man! You screwed up ~ you just did! You lost your confidence in seeking self validation from your man. He let you down. In the beginning he made you feel like a HB10, but in the end made you feel like a HB6? So you went and found yourself someone that made you feel like he did in the beginning? A HB10! (HotBabe10) Who failed who? If you try the full frontal assualt, you're going to fail. In fact? You're going to get slaughtered! You've got to attack the flanks!
Gunny376 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I have to disagree. When a woman I'm interested in persues me, I take notice and persue her back. While I agree with you in most things Gunny, I'm going to have to disagree here. My most recent ex-gf tried to make me chase her - as you know, some jobs in the service require training that is a significant time/energy/emotional commitment - I gave what little free time during the weekdays to her, but she repeatedly made herself unavailable (either , intentionally or not) and could not be reached; perhaps a sign of her true intentions? I put up with it longer than I should have, because I'm a devoted man. I was interested in her and no one else. Once she decided to split, I decided that I wasn't going to chase her again and it was actually somewhat of a relief. The way I see it, my time is very valuable - lives may depend on it at some point. Chasing is gaming - and if she can't step up to the plate, be available, show interest when I need her during downtime - she's out in my books. I'm not gonna sway from being the man I've worked hard to become because of an indecisive, game-playing girl obviously - I'm going to wait for the right one to enjoy this devoted man and be the same genuine, loving guy that the last girl decided that she didn't want. Oh you and I agree! That's because we come from a whole new different planet than most, and a different world than most here! We agree more than disagree! Guns
Author briteyes Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 How do i attack the Flanks? i really dont want to have sex anymore but i feel like i will loose him completely!! i feel like i am being used but his body language says something other than what his mouth says !! I need advise on how to cut it off with out makeing it obvious that i am trying to make him see what he is missing ! cause if he knows nothing will be accoumplished he will think i am trying to mind f --k!! him. You all have been great by the way i am really finding this very helpful!!
Gunny376 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Its a fine line along the razors edge ~ ITS the "GAME" ~ GAME ON! Quit being available to him, make him "work" for it, and earn "it" Make him respect you! What one refues, another can certaintly use! Respect yourself! What makes you think he's the best, the only you can do?
You'reasian Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 How do i attack the Flanks? i really dont want to have sex anymore but i feel like i will loose him completely!! !! Tell him that you just want to be friends. You're not prepaired to be in a committed relationship etc. - guys hear this as much as girls do, its ok to say this. i feel like i am being used but his body language says something other than what his mouth says !! I need advise on how to cut it off with out makeing it obvious that i am trying to make him see what he is missing ! cause if he knows nothing will be accoumplished he will think i am trying to mind f --k!! him. You all have been great by the way i am really finding this very helpful!! Tough. You can try an ultimatum - but what leverage do you have in the relationship? Have you been the one to consistently committ - communication, affection, love etc. If the two of you were truly in love, simple communication would do - obviously he would pay attention to you. Gaming could work, but can equally backfire. You say you don't want to have sex; that's probably a good start although if he's a type-A male, he might lose interest and seek it elsewhere. The common school of thought is that "if she's not having sex with me, she's having it with someone else" Why not be honest and forthright to him? Lay it out on the table, but have a few bargaining chips - sex etc. and tell him exactly what you are telling us. If he cannot handle what you are communicating, its ok to walk away.
Author briteyes Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 well the past few weekends i have had to be alone and he had the kids eh went out because i stay home ! but today he got all his things he needed to move out and i have been throwing up since thurs from the stress!!! so i called in a favor and asked him to keep the kids so i can go clear my head!! i came home to hower before i went and he came in and said " oh i didnt know you needed to shower to go clear your head nice move" so i flipped i said dont u wash your ass before you go out? he said in public i said thats where i am going to have a few beers and clear my head!! he said you said you r goign for a drive now i have the text messages i sent him i NEVER SAID THAT!! i said clear my head and he drew his own conclusion!! so of course he thought i was lieing to him and started a big fite cause he was yelling at me for wasing my ass i guess i was going to F_ _ _ k in his eyes!! and of course he went into something about the weekend time i set a sloted time our weeknds go like this friday to sunday at 5pm !! super bowls tomrrow and i said your weekend ends at 5 wrong **** to say!! c we still live together and he flipped!! so it turned about him as usual!! we r not in any way together unless u count spending every free min duronk week and sex everyday together!! we sleep in seperate rooms and all unless its saturday then i sleep with him!! well any way i told him to grow up i was sick of his snide comments he picks at me like a annoying scab!! and he says!!" i did grow up thats why i am leaving u!" in front of the kids they started to cry i went n said " u got two weeks u have all you need get your **** n get out of my house" but not wheer my kids could hear it !! it went nuts from there he was completly out of line and yet i ended up being the one crying and feeling ****y for making him so angry!! i dont understand how someone can hate someone else so much no matter what was done! well i have pretty much had his back and this familys the whole time we have been together see i am the major bread winner and he worked hard but i took care of all things concering house!! i always needed someone to lean on and i never had that!! What the hell i am at a loose at this point!! i feel like i cant have a life cause he just makes me feel so gulity but coonstanly reminds me we r not togther but only when it concerns him!! at this point i cant take the hatefulness anymore i need to move on and heel for my kids how do i do That when he fites me EVRY STEP OF THE WAY !! HE SAYS !WHEN I MOVE OUT IF YOU NEED ME TO FIX ANY THING OR COME BUY TO HELP YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE GROCERY SHOPPING FOR YOU IF YOU DONT HAVE TIME I WILL!! CAN WE STILL HAVE SEX WHEN I LEAVE CAN I STILL COME BY AND DO MY LAUNDRY!! THATS JUST TO NAME A FEW!! I SAID NO TO ALL OF THE ABOVE EXCEPT LAUNDRY!! IT SEEMS TO ME HE WANTS TO ACT LIKE WE ARE TOGETHER BUT LIVE IN SEPERATE HOUSES SO HE CAN MOVE ON BUT IF I WANTED TO ONCE HES GONE I CANT CAUSE HES ALWAYS GONNA BE AROUND!! NO MAN WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT I TOLD HIM AND ITS NOT HEALTHY AND I WILL NOT CALL ON YOU FOR ANYTHING UNLESS ITS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE KIDS!!! WHAT THE HELL I AM SO CONFUSED I FELL LIKE MY HEAD WILL SNAPP OFF I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD PERSON BUT I FEEL SO MUCH ANGER AT ALL THE SELFISHNESS THAT ITS BECOMING ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE!! ANY ADVISE FOR THIS DOOZIE?
Author briteyes Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 in response to ur reply i cant be honest and foth rote he still beggs please i have tried that one!! I have done alot of wrong inthe relationaship i am fsr from a angel and that has taken all my leverage away!! but keep in mind he has been no angel but he has leverage my guilt!! and the fact that i didnt want the divorse i wanted 6 months of real hard work and c where it went from there!! but i think he wioll continue the mental abuse at this point so i think its for the best!! i am just ready to get a day and nite of pease!! so any advise on how i can pick up the peices i dont want this anymore i deserve better no matter what i have done you cant pay for your wrongs for ever u can only learn from it and be a better person so you dont hurt anyone else and who u did hurt if you dont learn from it you continue to disrespect them!!
Bluebird In My Heart Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 If you want to heal, make sure to take a look at No- or Low-Contact to get an idea of what that entails. That's if you are pretty sure it's over for now. I must say, it sounds like you are still bound up with him, the anger, the sex...ect. So first you have to decide what you want, to get over it for good, or to get back together, and work from that standpoint. You will need to stay very calm. Don't ask a bunch of questions or give him a hard time when he comes around. Say you are a different person, then follow through on that. If he doesn't have faith in you, it's either because he can't get over the past, or is over it and doesn't really want to deal with it anymore. The bottom line is that you can't make him do anything. You can't change his mind, only he can. If he's not willing to do that, it's over. You have to learn to accept that - fighting it will only make it worse, and you could end up humiliating yourself. No nookie for him unless he really shows he cares to be with you, fully. Please value yourself a little more. You are relying on him for validation, and that won't do you a bit of good. Good luck. Remember: stay cool and collected. Don't let him make you nuts.
TrustInYourself Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 in response to ur reply i cant be honest and foth rote he still beggs please i have tried that one!! I have done alot of wrong inthe relationaship i am fsr from a angel and that has taken all my leverage away!! but keep in mind he has been no angel but he has leverage my guilt!! and the fact that i didnt want the divorse i wanted 6 months of real hard work and c where it went from there!! but i think he wioll continue the mental abuse at this point so i think its for the best!! i am just ready to get a day and nite of pease!! so any advise on how i can pick up the peices i dont want this anymore i deserve better no matter what i have done you cant pay for your wrongs for ever u can only learn from it and be a better person so you dont hurt anyone else and who u did hurt if you dont learn from it you continue to disrespect them!! I just read a book called Love Dare. Check that out. Peace doesnt come from others or outside ourselves. Peace comes from inside. We create peace. I would suggest you do some soul searching, reading, and giving. You should strive to be understanding towards him. You both cheated. It took his desire to leave the relationship, before you felt real guilt. Take some time to yourself. Realize this, it will always get worse before it gets better. Best wishes!
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