liddie Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 It has been along time since I posted on LS and do it now as more as a means of venting rather than searching for advice (although I do like to receive advice). I have been in a R with a MM for over 2 years now. When we met, they were living apart and after about 3 weeks they got back together (you know...for the kids ). We have had DDay three times and have lived through each time. Over the past 6 months or so, I came to the conclusion that as long as he was M then I was free to date. If he is not going to live his life on hold for me then I wasn't going to do it anymore either. I met a guy, we started talking, one thing led to another......and then things ended. I told MM about this and while he was upset he understood. It took our R to another level. It made his realize that I am not waiting around anymore. So fast forward a few months and I reconnected with an old BF from years ago. Things are great. As I was getting ready to tell MM about new guy....MM tells me that he has left his W. This was about 2 weeks ago. To my knowledge that haven't spoken at all (he may be lying about this). After absorbing this new piece of information, I told him about new guy. That prompted the most amazing heart to heart talk MM and I have ever had. Help me figure out what is going on here. My head is in a million directions and my heart is too. I love MM and he loves me. I am excited to see where things go with new guy. All the while I long for the day MM and I are together.
NoIDidn't Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I don't know what to tell you. Which one of the guys do you want more? My friend is in a similar situation but she is the one divorcing and has a pick of three men - none of them her STBXH. Deliberate carefully, I guess. And Nice To SEE You Liddie, its been awhile.
Author liddie Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I don't know what to tell you. Which one of the guys do you want more? My friend is in a similar situation but she is the one divorcing and has a pick of three men - none of them her STBXH. Deliberate carefully, I guess. And Nice To SEE You Liddie, its been awhile. Its like I am living two seperate lives. My life with MM has always been such a fantasy life. I mean to say that it has never been real in terms of doing things a normal R can do. We talk, we fight, we make love, we comfort eachother, we are eachothers best friends - all in the privacy of my home. My life with new guy is real. We can go out to eat and do things a real R can do. We have amazing chemistry and are in the same place in life. UGH
LavendarGirl Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Liddie, I would say perhaps to continue and see what may happen. Are you sure MM didn't offer to leave his W because he sensed that you were getting serious with the BF? Let MM leave his W because that's what he needs to do, maybe give him a little while to settle in to his new digs (and not return promptly to living with the W), and then see what you think? Just a suggestion...
Reggie Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I'd introduce the two guys and see if they get along. Maybe they would be alright sharing a relationship or, if they are so inclined, they might want to hook up themselves, as well. It's the new millenium, baby. Anything goes.
NoIDidn't Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Its like I am living two seperate lives. My life with MM has always been such a fantasy life. I mean to say that it has never been real in terms of doing things a normal R can do. We talk, we fight, we make love, we comfort eachother, we are eachothers best friends - all in the privacy of my home. My life with new guy is real. We can go out to eat and do things a real R can do. We have amazing chemistry and are in the same place in life. UGH I did some more thinking about this and wanted to add. I think your old BF is going to give MM a run for his money. You say that you have great chemistry and are in the same place with the old BF. But you said in parentheses "if he's not lying" concerning your MM leaving his W and not speaking to her. I'm not going to tell you which on to pick just like I didn't tell my friend what to do. I had an opinion in her case and things turned out just like I thought they would for her and one of her men (one down, one to go - LOL) but I didn't tell her what I thought. Again, deliberate carefully. Don't be in a rush. This is one of the FEW times in life that a WOMAN is in the situation to choose between two men. That, and your MM knows about the old BF. Does the old BF know about the MM? In my friends sitch, neither man knew (or needed to know) about the other because of distance (for two of them, anyway).
Author liddie Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Liddie, I would say perhaps to continue and see what may happen. Are you sure MM didn't offer to leave his W because he sensed that you were getting serious with the BF? Let MM leave his W because that's what he needs to do, maybe give him a little while to settle in to his new digs (and not return promptly to living with the W), and then see what you think? Just a suggestion... That is exactly what I want to do....wait it out and see what happens. Its just that is when the guilt comes out. It is not fair to new guy for me to still have MM in the wings. I understand that some of you are going to say that obviously I am a person of few morals being involved with a MM to begin with...BUT...I do want to do the right thing. Patience is a virture
bluebayou Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I think MM would certainley need some space to himself on his own to decide what he is going to do. You need to ensure you are happy. I hope for you that in the coming weeks/months you have 2 men fighting over you and then you can decide Even if MM hadn't have left W then BF would still technically have a relationship with you with MM in the wings (even if emotional one). I am an OW so have no comments about your morals... I just wish you happiness in whichever direction life takes you...
LavendarGirl Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 That is exactly what I want to do....wait it out and see what happens. Its just that is when the guilt comes out. It is not fair to new guy for me to still have MM in the wings. I understand that some of you are going to say that obviously I am a person of few morals being involved with a MM to begin with...BUT...I do want to do the right thing. Patience is a virture Well then, with the BF go light and easy for now. Don't let things progress too quickly. Don't make promises to the BF that you can't honor (such as being committed to each other).
sadintexas Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 The way I see it is this: MM may have left his wife, but he is still married. Not using that as a moral basis for the argument, but there is still the possibility that he goes back, etc. It's not a done deal yet which means he's still not a viable option. You now have a piece of information that may alter the choices you make down the line, but I don't really see where you have a choice between two men right now. You have a choice to continue a relationship that you're enjoying, or becoming an exclusive OW again (until MM is no longer married). I don't think you really have a quandry unless BF is wanting to take things to a level that you're uncomfortable commiting to. Frankly, if your moving on is motivating MM to take action, you going back right now would be a big mistake anyway. Let your action continue to propell him forward until he's in a place in his life that you can accept without guilt or remorse.
NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 You now have a piece of information that may alter the choices you make down the line, but I don't really see where you have a choice between two men right now. You have a choice to continue a relationship that you're enjoying, or becoming an exclusive OW again (until MM is no longer married). I don't think you really have a quandry unless BF is wanting to take things to a level that you're uncomfortable commiting to. Frankly, if your moving on is motivating MM to take action, you going back right now would be a big mistake anyway. Let your action continue to propell him forward until he's in a place in his life that you can accept without guilt or remorse. I can't agree with suggesting that she use her relationship with the single guy to push the MM off the fence. What about the single guy's feelings? Is he supposed to be a carrot dangling in front of the MM to get him to move quicker? She does have a choice between two men, IMO. One claims to be separated/ing and one is available. In one relationship she may still have to hide the fact that she is romantically involved with the man until he is ready for them to be *out*. In the other relationship she is already *out* with him. She said the same in that with MM it all happens "in her house" but with the old BF, she goes out in public. And being that she doesn't have to give full commitment to either of them at this point in time, she's free to see both. She can't use the relationship with the old BF to motivate the MM. That would be disrespectful to him (old BF) and just plain wrong, IMHO.
sadintexas Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I'm not suggesting she use BF to get what she wants with MM. Her actions to move forward are what is most likely making MM move his feet. I'm simply suggesting that she don't go back to him now or else momentum might be lost. What I AM suggesting is that she look at this realistically. Because MM says he's leaving his wife doesn't mean it's a done deal. She doesn't even know that he's actually done anything at this point, so really nothing to think about until he actually does something. That little tidbit of information shouldn't change her life right now IMO.
Mino Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I would advise you to continue with your life and date. Just becasue he has moved out does not mean its an easy road. my sm moved out 6 moths ago, and I will tell you its still no walk in the park. Sure we have lots of time toether now, we go out to dinner, movies, meet with friends. our R has changed to a more normal R. But there are new challenges, that are no fun. Let your mm go through the process alone. The reason I say this is because you dont want the stress his D. Enjoy you new BF, do LC with sm, but dont get involed till he is free and clear....
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I think right now you need to decide: This new single guy or the MM. Imagine 6 months from now, you've invested time and energy, care and possibly love into a new relationship, then MM shows up, with D papers, telling you he wants to start a new life with you..What do you do? Dump the boyfriend and go back to MM? Tell MM that you're with someone else and it's too late? Does the boyfriend know about MM? Or know that you're still habouring deep feelings for (ex)MM?
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