Perfect boyfriend-still unsure

[Geishawhelk]

I don't want to just dump him right this second.

Now see, for me, this is just selfish. he may be throwing his all into this relationship blissfully unaware that there is a definite possibility you might dump him at some point in the future, but you're not sure when. or if. But maybe.

 

How crappy is that - ?!?

 

Although there are some issues, I am content for the most part,

Well, that's big of you!

 

the problem is he keeps pushing the subject of marriage and at this point and time I don't want it. Out of respect for his feelings, I'm not going to be cruel and say "no way".

 

Trust me, the real respect for his feelings would be to gently and tactfully tell him that having been married already, you really don't feel this is something you can consider ever committing to right now.

What you are doing is stringing him along so that he is confidently devoting his life to being with you - when at least if he did know, he could make an informed choice about what he'd like to do next.

It sounds like - IT SOUNDS LIKE - from your posts that he's a perfectly convenient guy to have around for now, but in time you can see yourself ending it - but why spoil it all by making him aware of this? You're biding your time until you're ready to drop the other shoe......

 

Marriage is a big step in life. I've been married before and after getting a divorce, you must make sure you are completly happy with your choice.

That's the problem. he IS completely happy with his. You're not completely happy with yours.

AND HE DESERVES TO KNOW!

 

 

Think of it this way people. Wouldn't it be horrible to find out the person you've been married to for 25 years was uncertain or just settled when they married you? Wouldn't you hate to discover your wife/husband always felt there was something missing or that he/she always felt someone else out there would have suited them better?

And wouldn't it be horrible to be dreaming, wishing and looking forward to marrying the woman of your dreams, for whom you've done everything to make happy - only to find X years down the line that actually, she wasn't that keen on being married anyway, and that the issues you didn't know she had might actually make her leave, because she thinks there might be someone out there who's better for her?

 

For goodness' sake do the decent thing and have a heart-to-heart talk with the guy NOW _ or just dump him now. But you're just dragging him around by the nose to satisfy your ego, and it looks and sounds ugly.

Shame on you!

[Bri754]

oh I am deadly serious.

 

ok mclovin, 2 choices:

 

Plan A -- dump this guy for a "real man" who won't return your calls, ignores you, cheats on you, doesn't compliment you, doesn't buy you flowers, strings you along, and generally drives you nuts over 3 or 4 years before breaking your heart. However, he is a "challenge", and you won't be irritated by his clingyness!

 

Plan B -- survery your friends and see what they think of your current BF. Tell them you are thinking of dumping him for [insert local scandalous man here]. Hopefully they will all slap you in the face, call you an idiot, and you will snap out of it, and realize you are an extremely lucky woman.

 

There are literally millions of women who could give everything they have for a nice, considerate, appreciative, romantic gentleman. Here you have one and you are ungrateful.

 

As is, I stand your statement -- you are a witch and don't deserve him.

 

Haha thats what im talking about. We need more posts like this. Stop being selfish; dump him or dont.

[socialight]

Ahh, see, the truth finally comes out:

 

"His kindness NEVER goes unnoticed and in return I ALWAYS show appreciation and reciprocate his favors. As mentioned in a previous thread, he is much younger than me which made me VERY uncomfortable in the first place, but since he is mature and does these favors of caring, that is what changed my mind because normally I NEVER WOULD HAVE DATED SOMEONE 8 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME---EVER."

 

Only through my expert line of questioning did you finally say what is really on your mind -- that one hand hand, you are content to use this guy, but on the other hand, you have no intentions of marrying him and are starting to feel guilty about it. This is the source of your conflict, and thus, the irritation at how nice he is.

 

So, do I have to say it? Class?

[movingonandon]

Even if there is chemistry, compatibilty, attraction, respect, etc if YOU feel something is not quite right or maybe someone else would suit you better down the line, I don't see the harm in that.

 

This reasoning is fine in theory, but in reality, what will happen is that one day you will wake up in your late 30's, still single, and bitter, and wondering what is it that ain't "quite right".

 

It's called priorities. If your priority is to find somebody "perfect" that will "take care of ALL of your needs", you better get prepared to wait forever . And if your priority was to have a good solid relaitonship, you wouldn't be posting this

[mclovin]

You're right! He popped the question last night and I happily excepted his marriage proposal. We even picked a date if you can believe. Two months from now I'll be the new Mrs. "so&so"! We're going to have a beautiful wedding because we made checked out a gorgeous catering hall and made OUR very first payment! yay! Next is my gown. I want a nice long train and a carriage to take us to the church. I'll be just like Cinderella! Then when I'm in my late 30's, it'll be, um, um....gee, I'm still feeling that unsure feeling, do I want to spend the remaining of my life with this person?

 

Case and point folks. Ten years from now when I am in my late 30's , I would like to be married to the right person. Sure, it's nice to be in a committed relationship by then, but who wants to be married just so they can obtain that label? I could also be "bitter" being married to someone I wasn't quite sure of in the first place.

 

As someone mentioned above, there is a "humongous middleground" and he could be "perfect" in writing but not for me.

 

Btw, a perfect mate differs for everyone. There are different elements that make a relationship work, and of course people act different towards each other.

 

I don't know why some people, like Socialight, are coming down on me for it either. Not everyone plans to MARRY the person they are currently in a relationship with. Treating someone with respect and doing nice things for someone just come with the unique package that we view as "perfect". I know a gal who was in a relationship with literally the perfect man. He was mature, good-looking, rich and he adored her. She cared for him but when he pushed the issue of marriage, she broke up with him. She was single for a couple years then met her true match of whom she is engaged to and is very happy with.

[BUENG1]

You're right! He popped the question last night and I happily excepted his marriage proposal. We even picked a date if you can believe. Two months from now I'll be the new Mrs. "so&so"! We're going to have a beautiful wedding because we made checked out a gorgeous catering hall and made OUR very first payment! yay! Next is my gown. I want a nice long train and a carriage to take us to the church. I'll be just like Cinderella! Then when I'm in my late 30's, it'll be, um, um....gee, I'm still feeling that unsure feeling, do I want to spend the remaining of my life with this person?

 

Case and point folks. Ten years from now when I am in my late 30's , I would like to be married to the right person. Sure, it's nice to be in a committed relationship by then, but who wants to be married just so they can obtain that label? I could also be "bitter" being married to someone I wasn't quite sure of in the first place.

 

As someone mentioned above, there is a "humongous middleground" and he could be "perfect" in writing but not for me.

 

Btw, a perfect mate differs for everyone. There are different elements that make a relationship work, and of course people act different towards each other.

 

I don't know why some people, like Socialight, are coming down on me for it either. Not everyone plans to MARRY the person they are currently in a relationship with. Treating someone with respect and doing nice things for someone just come with the unique package that we view as "perfect". I know a gal who was in a relationship with literally the perfect man. He was mature, good-looking, rich and he adored her. She cared for him but when he pushed the issue of marriage, she broke up with him. She was single for a couple years then met her true match of whom she is engaged to and is very happy with.

 

This all true, but if your boyfriend feels different(he wants to get married) it is also legitimate, then it really isn't fair that you not let him know how you feel, because I'm sure he'll make plenty of decisions differently if he knows that you two aren't on the same page about.

[girlwithbigearrings]

Unfortunately, there isn't a 'nice' way to tell someone, who talks about having his future with you, that you feel differently. Whatever you choose to say is gonna hurt him. It just sounds like he is not the right guy for you or you are still just testing the waters and still uncertain. Either way, there isn't going to be a nice way to say it but you're gonna have to say it.

[RRyan65]

OMFG. Get the **** out of here. I cannot believe what the hell I'm hearing, especially from chicks like socialight (you are a chick right?).

 

Look mclovin, the only thing you're doing wrong is dragging this stuff out. Leave that guy as soon as you can. You absolutely know he's not for you, and he's too damn ****ing clingy and needy. That is not chivalry, it's being a sissy.

 

You can most defininately be a gentleman without being overly giving and needy. The characteristics mclovin is describing is something NO WOMAN should have to deal with. Nor does she want to, unless shes a fat, disgusting cow, who's been waiting around for 15 years for just ANYONE to give her the time of day. That's the only justification.

 

You soldier on, mclovin, there are real men out there who aren't molded after insecurities. You need a man that feels like he could survive on his own. A man who isn't tame like a Pomeranian. You need a ****in wolf.

 

And socialight, your plan A/plan B concept, is horse****. Man up.

There aren't only two type of guys: weiners and a-holes. Neither of those extremes are attractive. WTF is going on!?!?!?

[westrock]

Why don't you have a talk with your boyfriend about your feelings of uncertainty?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My bf is a wonderful guy. He treats me extremeley well and genuinly loves and cares for me. He is somewhat clingy, but in a sweet way. He also discusses how he wants to get married all the time.

 

Words cannot express how appreciative I am of what a wonderful giving guy he truly is.

 

However, as horrible as it may sound...but for the past few weeks, everything about him is irritating me. I do a good job masking it, as I don't want to hurt his feelings, especially since he is such a wonderful chivalrous guy. It hurts me to even write this because I know everyone is thinking what a witch I am or how I don't deserve this because of the way I feel, but I can't help the way I feel. Believe me, I have done my best to "talk myself out of" feeling this way, but it seems to fail and ultimately gets worse as time progresses.

 

I am enjoying our time together---for now. But how do I nicely tell him I'm uncertain about a permanant future together next time he asks or intimates it?

 

This all doubles as a character test for you, independent of him.

 

IF it were your true interest to evolve toward a long, happy life together with him (or perhaps with anyone at all), you would express yourself directly to him on the little, bothersome details. This would serve to reduce or eliminate the impact when all of the stuff you are compiling in your head right now just surfaces all at once.

 

IF you place a value on this relationship's long-term potential then you'll be mentioning the little things as they come, AND mentioning that they are irksome to you, so as to avoid their combined impact in ways similar to how a straw once broke a camel's back.

[socialight]

mclovin, having read your further posts, I am now convinced more than ever that you are the true embodyment of the self centered, caustic, souless modern woman.

 

BY your own admission you are in your late 20's dating a guy 8 years younger than yourself. He is, by your description, completely in love with you. You are simply using him untl such time you are ready to settle down. Which of course, won't be with him.

 

HOW HARD IS IT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS SELFISH AND EVIL?

 

Have you sat him down and said point blank -- I am 28, you are 20, we are never going to get married, etc? I don't think you have. Because you are too weak to be on your own and would rather enjoy this guys attention and affection until you are ready for someone else.

 

Not once, not a single time, in any of your postings, did you mention any concern for his well being, his thoughts, or the pain you will inflict on him when you end it. Your only concern was your iritation that he wasn't merrily going along with your plan.

 

It's WRONG, ok? There are stll black and white things in this world, and what you are doing is WRONG.

 

May god have mercy on your soul.

[mclovin]

Yes, Socialight. Of course I think about his feelings and well-being. If I didn't care about his feelings and respect who he is and what he does, I would not have wasted my time posting a thread about how to approach the situation once I concluded I am uncertain about establishing a permanant future with this guy at this point and time.

 

By the way, in regards to your future posts, you are NOT one to throw stones at ANYONE about respect, feelings and overall decenty. By writing to me in an accusatory and cruel manner only reveals the level of your consideration towards others as well as yourself. Not to mention, if screams immaturity and gives us a clue that you were burned badly in the past and taking it out on others will make YOU feel better. The heak with other peoples feelings, right?

 

Stop wasting your time coming on loveshack posting replies that are useless and boring. If you don't like what you see, then simply don't reply. My guess is that your going to come back on here and post another reply that consists of the same input you have been repeating throughout the the entire thread, because you're just that bitter and bored.