Sometimes, getting dumped is the best thing that could have happened to you

[Justmike101]

I loved my ex-gf no lies. However, the cruel treatment she gave towards the end put me to a test. She broke up with me on the same day I lost my job and citizenship, and also few weeks before law school exam. I was F"KED UP to say the least. 6 months of wallowing in pain. Law school wasn't an option as my mind was too wrapped up in pain over the breakup.

 

With the help of NC I gradually grew strong and rebuilt my confidence. You know what though? I honestly believe that God has put me through test to see how I will come out of it. My ex-gf meant a lot to me but she cannot and will not be my everything. I had to learn this. No persons will be your foundation to happiness.

 

I am 25. I am good looking and educated. I am very ambitious and have a good personality. This isn't me talking out of my ass I am trying to make a point. During my relationship with this wonderful girl, I lost focus of my goals in life and made her everything. I lost sight of other important things in life - hence came the break up. She broke up with me in the most dispicable manner. I realize now that it was needed. I needed it to snap out of it. I needed harsh treatment to wake up to my goals again, to gain self-respect again, and be passionate about other important things I hold dear to. When we focus our eyes on "us" and over-analyze every little decision we ever made, that's when you get stressed out and become destructive. It's been 6 months for me, constantly analyzing my break up and wondering why she didn't love me, why she broke up, why she felt it was necessary. You know what, you are never going to find those answers. Put that behind you and do what you want now. We are so young and have a bright future ahead of us. Lets turn out to be the great person we dreamt of.

[Knight_Ctrl]

Yeah. I have just recently been working on looking to the future rather than the past to define myself, I'm starting to get a little direction....just a little. I keep pretending that my past relationship and everything involved in it is like a monster trying to kill me (because it was) and I am now at war with this monster, I can't let it win or it will kill me.

 

I like what you said about us being young, its true I'm only 20 and I have A LOT of opportunity put out there for me. And I'll be dammed if this one relationship is going to **** me for the rest of my life, I've only been dating for like 4 years now, and only the last few have been real serious. I guess I subconsciously feel pressured because by now, my parents were already married and had me. And they did that willingly, so I guess deep down in my psychosis I feel like I should've found that special girl by now....****, I'll get there. And if I don't I'll be dead someday then I won't have to worry about it.

[EmperorR]

I agree 100 percent I loved my gf would have done anything for her but she was always cranky always thought she was better than anyone. Always wanted the best of everything even though she didn't even work. If she never cheated and dumped me ya we would have probably been together still and got married and I would have continued to be mistreated and be the only one in the relationship sacrificing.

 

Ya sometimes I miss her but shrugs I know it was fir the best. I'm planning on going back to school part time and finish up my degree. As well I can finally start saving as I don't have her leeching off me anymore.

 

Plus I started talking and mingling with old friends I haven't talked to in years, as well meeting new people instead of being saddled down with

doing everything with one person. Plus I met a new girl I'm dating and we have so much In common unlike my ex and I were total opposites.

 

Plus this whole experience has made me so much stronger I Learnt so much about myself relationships getting through things on my own. I've been through the roughest patches in my life ever, but I got through it, it's like I can face anything now.

[Template]

Y'all are my inspiration and are in a position I hope, and know one day I will be in. I'm still going through the paces of my breakup, but knowing how people learned, coped, and healed, is just as important on this site as knowing other people are going through the same feelings that we are. I just hope it only takes me 6 mos to get there.

[RM0123]

You said it Mike... I totally agree with you. Unfortunately my emotional brain get in the way of my logical brain. I wish I could just turn it off. I know I am better without him but it still hurts. I believe he started to see another girl. It is hard to wonder why I wasn't good enough. Unfortunately this girl does seem to have one up on me in my mind which hurts even more. (They both are in law school, where they met. She is popular, worldly, pretty and more.) But I have to try to understand that we are just different... I am still a wonderful, smart, beautiful person that any guy would be lucky to have. He is the one missing out. And unfortunately for her, she is probably going to go through the same thing I am, sometime down the line. I am not sure how their relationship can work being started with a lie (I don't think she knew he was with me). Doesn't seem like a good foundation for a lasting relationship.

[peteyj]

It is true that sometimes we get comfortable or we start to sway from our goals and dreams. Yeah we still have them and strive to achieve them, but sometimes when people get together and especially when they get married and have children, your goals kind of change. And when somebody screws you over and dumps you it makes you feel like everything you did for who knows how long was a waste... I think it's harder when kids are involved but it also makes it feel like less of wasted time.

 

My brother was on again and off again with his girl for years...Ever since high school and then into his mid to late twenties. They had a kid and then one day she just cheated.. They got back together. She cheated again. Finally he woke up and ended it and never got back with her... But he has to remain in contact due to the fact they have a kid and share custody of him....But I know talking to him sometimes he looks at his son as one of the best things that ever happened to him. So even though it sucked what he went through, the fact is he can look back at raising a son and having a son as something good that came out of that relationship....

 

Whereas in my case my wife cheated and we never had any kids...So in the grand scheme of things our six years or so together really feels like it was one big waste of time. Especially considering I'm the one who supported her for all those years as she never really worked and made much money and school was more like a part time thing with no real purpose.

 

I don't know it just seems my brother can look back and think of his ex as trash but he can look back at those years and think of his son and good times.. For me I look back and see nothing but a mistake where I spent years trying to make a better future for somebody who just cheated and left with no concern....And she didn't even leave yet as I"m still supporting her. So I think my six years(almost 4 years married) was a complete waste of time for me. I got nothing out of it but losing money, spending money on a divorce, spending money on supporting her now, and having a lot of bills piled up that I need to pay because of the divorce....................................................

[D-Lish]

I dated a total toolbox for an entire year. He was mean and aloof, and critical of everything I did. I was in a bad place when I met him- and he ended up dumping me after a year. It's the break up that brought me to love shack.

 

He couldn't have done me a bigger favour. I look back now over 2 years later (or maybe it's 3, can't recall)... and wonder to myself "WTF was I thinking???"

[Justmike101]

You said it Mike... I totally agree with you. Unfortunately my emotional brain get in the way of my logical brain. I wish I could just turn it off. I know I am better without him but it still hurts. I believe he started to see another girl. It is hard to wonder why I wasn't good enough. Unfortunately this girl does seem to have one up on me in my mind which hurts even more. (They both are in law school, where they met. She is popular, worldly, pretty and more.) But I have to try to understand that we are just different... I am still a wonderful, smart, beautiful person that any guy would be lucky to have. He is the one missing out. And unfortunately for her, she is probably going to go through the same thing I am, sometime down the line. I am not sure how their relationship can work being started with a lie (I don't think she knew he was with me). Doesn't seem like a good foundation for a lasting relationship.

 

I totally agree. Call me

[Justmike101]

It is true that sometimes we get comfortable or we start to sway from our goals and dreams. Yeah we still have them and strive to achieve them, but sometimes when people get together and especially when they get married and have children, your goals kind of change. And when somebody screws you over and dumps you it makes you feel like everything you did for who knows how long was a waste... I think it's harder when kids are involved but it also makes it feel like less of wasted time.

 

My brother was on again and off again with his girl for years...Ever since high school and then into his mid to late twenties. They had a kid and then one day she just cheated.. They got back together. She cheated again. Finally he woke up and ended it and never got back with her... But he has to remain in contact due to the fact they have a kid and share custody of him....But I know talking to him sometimes he looks at his son as one of the best things that ever happened to him. So even though it sucked what he went through, the fact is he can look back at raising a son and having a son as something good that came out of that relationship....

 

Whereas in my case my wife cheated and we never had any kids...So in the grand scheme of things our six years or so together really feels like it was one big waste of time. Especially considering I'm the one who supported her for all those years as she never really worked and made much money and school was more like a part time thing with no real purpose.

 

I don't know it just seems my brother can look back and think of his ex as trash but he can look back at those years and think of his son and good times.. For me I look back and see nothing but a mistake where I spent years trying to make a better future for somebody who just cheated and left with no concern....And she didn't even leave yet as I"m still supporting her. So I think my six years(almost 4 years married) was a complete waste of time for me. I got nothing out of it but losing money, spending money on a divorce, spending money on supporting her now, and having a lot of bills piled up that I need to pay because of the divorce....................................................

 

Not all is wasted. There is no waste in investing in something you loved and believed it. It's just that we don't always get a return. You have yourself. She has guilt she needs to deal with sooner or later. Do you honestly think she could keep up being foolish and immature this late in the game? Who's gonna want her in her 50s? You? definitely not. Foolish women like that end up an old granny by themselves living with bunch of cats.

[Asami]

Not all is wasted. There is no waste in investing in something you loved and believed it. It's just that we don't always get a return. You have yourself. She has guilt she needs to deal with sooner or later. Do you honestly think she could keep up being foolish and immature this late in the game? Who's gonna want her in her 50s? You? definitely not. Foolish women like that end up an old granny by themselves living with bunch of cats.

 

Mike you've brought up some great points by starting this thread. Recently, I got dumped.( the break up also brought me to loveshack) The relationship was LDR and he just checked out without a warning, nothing. it has been so hard the NC policy. As you pointed out, I have myself and I deserve so much better than that, at least he showed his true self early, so I guess he did me a favour

[You'reasian]

I understand.

 

I was involved with someone who never made herself available for whatever reason. Her decision - fortunately, I've moved on and am ready to be happy with someone whom actually wants to spend time with me.

[a_f_w]

And unfortunately for her, she is probably going to go through the same thing I am, sometime down the line. I am not sure how their relationship can work being started with a lie (I don't think she knew he was with me). Doesn't seem like a good foundation for a lasting relationship.

 

Yea, I wonder about that. My girlfriend left me for another guy, with some overlap, you could say, and he didn't know (and presumably still doesn't). It's a shame because clearly when someone does that they're not going to tell anyone what they did, and they'll just say "oh, we split up and now I've found someone else".

I think perhaps people doing that can convince themselves that what they did wasn't awful. My ex has claimed that she thought we had already broken up previously. It is an incredible claim, considering that we never once talked about it, and right until the end (I last saw her 24 hrs before she slept with him the first time) we were acting quite normally. She even accepted a gift from me thay day, lol. But it will become the truth in her mind, as she repeats it often enough. So the dishonest beginnings to the relationship probably won't matter. What will matter, though, is that person's particular morals and character, which will remain and most likely come to the surface again in the future.

[msjules]

My ex-boyfriend was never "all-in" to coin a poker phrase. (He is a gambling addict, LOL.) I realize now that he did me a favor by dumping me. I deserve to be with someone who is willing to devote 100% of themselves to the relationship. He was always wanting to go off and watch football with his buddies and leave me behind, even when I was really depressed a year ago and needing some company. $crew him. I am so much better off without him. He kept telling me that I deserved better than he could give me. He was right.

[You'reasian]

My ex-boyfriend was never "all-in" to coin a poker phrase. (He is a gambling addict, LOL.) I realize now that he did me a favor by dumping me. I deserve to be with someone who is willing to devote 100% of themselves to the relationship. He was always wanting to go off and watch football with his buddies and leave me behind, even when I was really depressed a year ago and needing some company. $crew him. I am so much better off without him. He kept telling me that I deserved better than he could give me. He was right.

 

I was with someone whom I did not go "all-in".

 

The reason being that too many strange guys kept popping up in her life, asking her to be her lover, calling to hook up - etc.

 

I felt bad for not being committed in this relationship, but I find it futile to committ if they still appear to date around, make sense?

[techfan]

My 2 1/2 year relationship just ended a few weeks ago and while it ended on good terms, even though she dumped me i can still see small benefits.

 

Im NC and i think time will make things clearer but I am already looking at things in a new light. Even if we didnt break up i think some of my views on love/life would be different. Sometimes you almost have to step out of the situation entirely to gain perspective. And sometimes you can't get that until your emotions cool down. This is what im noticing right now.

 

I have also noticed that since the breakup i have a new drive to improve myself that i didnt have before. Maybe just to create jealousy if nothing else, but hey whatever works right?

 

So while not everyone will think breaking up is a good thing (and in a lot of cases it may not be) it is sometimes good to rattle the cage a bit and shake up your life to present yourself with new challenges and new perspectives on what really matters.

 

In time I think things will become more clear for everyone. The key is to create new experiences and learn new things so that way you KNOW that you wouldn't have grown in such a way if you didn't break up.

[peteyj]

Not all is wasted. There is no waste in investing in something you loved and believed it. It's just that we don't always get a return. You have yourself. She has guilt she needs to deal with sooner or later. Do you honestly think she could keep up being foolish and immature this late in the game? Who's gonna want her in her 50s? You? definitely not. Foolish women like that end up an old granny by themselves living with bunch of cats.

Who knows. Maybe she'll never deal with anything. She's still young and plenty of guys fall for her every week. Yeah not every one is a good nice guy, but then again, she has met some rich guys who did anything for her even though they just met. Some guy spent like $1K on her to fix her car. She met the guy the day before. So why would she ever think she lost anything or did anything wrong? She doesn't think she did now as she claims 'she wasn't in love with me anymore' and 'there was no longer an emotional connection' blah blah blah as a few reasons why she did what she did.

 

I'm not a person who believes in karma. Most of my life I was the one paying for the sins of others. Heck last week I was the one spoken to at work cause when all this was first going down back in Dec, she borrowed the car a few times, never came back until later in the day, and I had to miss work or work from home. My manager wasn't happy about that. Also last week I came out of work and I had a flat tire. Seems I need another tire and I need an oil change a few other things.. $600+ bucks right there. Great as I'm spending money on still supporting her, trying to pay my existing bills, pay bills that are behind because we used to use a checking account to automate bills and she spent that money instead of paying bills. Plus all these new 'stimulus' packages do absolutely nothing for me. If I were married, I'd be ok. But instead I wont' be married and I make too much money to qualify. But I don't make that much money where I'm considered wealthy or anything.

 

And then in a few months time frame I'll be making even less money cause being married means a few tax benefits and exemptions. Being single and no kids means about $1K per month or more less...And for quite awhile I"m still going to have to pay rent for myself and her....

 

So essentially maybe in a few years I'll feel differently.. But right now I needed money to pay for some crap so I sold my 42 inch HDTV and my xbox 360 and my dvd player for about $700 total. I needed the money to pay for crap because I still have to pay for her.

 

Yeah so to me it was a big waste of time and it's not even close to being over...She's the one who left for another guy, but she didn't leave cause the guy was a dirtball loser and she has no money and no job but since she got used to the nice lifestyle and California is a no fault state I'm about screwed. So yeah the past 6+ years have been a waste and it sure doesn't seem to be getting any better as I'm being put in the poor house and I'm the one who tried to do everything right. And the advice my lawyer gave me was to keep things civil in the interim until the divorce is actually final because at this point I'll only suffer in 2009 instead of maybe being screwed over for a few years if she contests it. So the only thing I've learned is that I have no desire ever to get married again and I have no desire to really get into another relationship. It's hard paying for all this crap on top of still having to pay for her. So really the only thing I've learned is that it's great to be a married woman in California. Basically they could do anything they want and as long as they don't leave for good, which would be abandonment, they are going to make out in the long run. And not everybody is going to feel bad at some point. Some people don't really seem to think they ever did anything wrong. And why would they? If they can go out and live a single persons life while their husbands and soon to be ex husbands support them they'll never really care.. And by the time everything goes final, she'll probably meet some other sucker who will take her in...No lesson learned. Just me getting screwed over. Yeah I'm glad I learned this now and I'm glad I'm sort of done with her...But I honestly would have rather I never met her.

[lonetiger]

your thread brought just a little more ease to my pain. You are totally correct on how you feel that God was putting you through some kind of test. Funny tht you said tht, because I had said the same thing to myself and others. In my case, I think God wanted me to have tht cigarette that night...because it made me see on how judgemental, jealous, insecure, narrow-minded,unforgiving,quick to snap..man I was with. Needless to say..I can now say that his true colors came out tht night.

 

It is amazing how strong we can get through a break up...sometimes it takes awhile to get there, but with determination to move forward, we do get there. Keep reaching for those goals in your life and maybe make new ones along the way. It's painful and our minds get so cloudy, but it can only rain for so long before the sun takes over! Stay strong..keep focused..graduate from law school...become successful...rock on!!