wisebutnotperfect Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 So... i ran into an old HS girlfriend on facebook that had a huge crush on me when i was 17!! i am now 49 and single. she is 46 and married.. she recently moved to my area and i think is relatively lonely being away from friends and family that she moved away from. we have exchanged numerous emails and have found that a connection exists along with many things in common. the attraction is still there from long ago for both of us. i'm sure it's just lingering sweet memories from our youths. she wants to meet over coffee and is reluctant to tell her hubby.. i would love to but am reluctant and have let her know this. what's the vote?? go to coffee knowing that she is decieving her husband in a small way? or let her know that we just can't?
gopher Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Her not telling her hubby is a red flag...I'd vote no.
2sure Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Meeting an HS friend for lunch or coffee is not that big if a deal. Why would she not tell her H? Its possible that she has cheated before so knows it will upset him OR that he is a crazy jealous person. Dont. Just because she wont tell him.
Owl Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Exactly. Even if she changes her mind now and opts to tell her H, you still know that there's more to this in her mind than a simple friendship. And...that's not gonna work...because she's MARRIED!!!! This isn't too tough to figure out here...it depends on your morals. Do you WANT to be her secret? Do you WANT to be the OM? I personally wouldn't want to be that man...so I'd thank her for her time, but I'd end the contact with her.
bentnotbroken Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Sounds like you would only be her latest secret. Don't go there.
bluebayou Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 it's only a coffee! But, if you are not comfortable about it being in secret then you need to tell her that.
NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 it's only a coffee! But, if you are not comfortable about it being in secret then you need to tell her that. ITA!!! A lot has been heaped onto this woman just because she mentioned not wanting to tell her H. I don't know why she doesn't want to tell her H, but the OP hasn't stated any romantic intent for me to think that it wouldn't just be a coffee. Sounds like the OP is perfectly capable of seeing the boundaries. Its really not that difficult. I wouldn't go if I was not comfortable with the spouse not knowing - but I would tell my old friend that first.
LavendarGirl Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I'd say go, but mention something either before you meet or during, that you aren't comfortable with her H not knowing. Assuming you are not trying to stir up a possible A here, have coffee, catch up on old times and new news, and leave it at that.
quankanne Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 if she can't offer to introduce you to her husband in person at a get-together, her intentions aren't good. frankly it sounds like you're some kind of lead player in a fantasy she's got about the old days to escape whatever it is that's bugging her in her present life, and you AND HER HUSBAND deserve to be treated with more respect than that.
KismetGirl Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Well.....it could be that maybe her husband is just a very jealous type? Maybe they've had problems lately and she doesn't think he'd like her having coffee with an old male friend? You could just go for the coffee if you want, and ask her why she's so reluctant to tell her H and see what she says. Just don't go for drinks at the bar. That's what I did and four years later....well. It's not fun being in an affair. Anyway, it's just coffee. Some harmless flirting won't kill anyone. But tell her you'd like to meet her husband one day or something and see what she says. If it's that big a problem just don't meet up with her again. It could just be that she's new to town, maybe having some marital strain, and the thought of talking to an old "flame" of sorts is exciting. You know, like flirting with someone new, almost. Could be innocent.
Meaplus3 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 It should not be a secret. This is a MW and if she is not willing to tell her husband then that's deceptive. How would you feel if your spouse had lunch with an old high school flame? Think about that. Mea:)
bluebayou Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 she wants to meet over coffee and is reluctant to tell her hubby.. i would love to but am reluctant and have let her know this. what's the vote?? go to coffee knowing that she is decieving her husband in a small way? or let her know that we just can't? wisebutnotperfect - have you decided what you'regoing to do?
carhill Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Generally one doesn't have a "crush" on a boyfriend (OP said the lady was his GF in HS).....OP, is this lady an old sexual relationship? If so, especially if either of you was the other's "first", tread carefully, IMO. I think coffee is fine, along with some catching up from the old days; be realistic about what you're feeling and the signals you are getting. You both have likely changed a huge amount since high school. Re-discovery is a wonderful thing. I would encourage her to tell her H in a matter of fact way. Of course, that would be up to her. I'll fall on the positive side of ambivalence, having walked this path a bit...
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 You've been fine without her all these years, and you'll be fine without her in your future years ahead. There really is no point of opening that door..She IS married and obviously knows her husband would NOT be pleased if she had coffee with a past flame. You're even uncomfortable with it, so listen to your gut. Now, what you CAN do is, offer to go out to dinner with BOTH of them, that way he can get to meet you as well.
LakesideDream Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I've been on both sides of this "reunion" situation. It worked great for my now ex wife. Not so good (yet?) for me. I can tell you without reservation that if you decide to go forward, you are in for a world of grief. It may take a long time to figure out if it's worth it to you. Good Luck.
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