Sands_of_time Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Now that's classic! He hasn't opened up to his mother and father about his current marital situation? Wow... If he isn't sharing this with his mom and dad then he's probably not so confident about what he is doing. He knows deep down that he made an error in judgment and will dance around the fire pit until he's forced to walk over the coals. If he isn't sharing his thoughts/feelings/actions about such a huge life event then his "guts" are more than likely in turmoil. He's following through with the bad behavior but he knows he committed an error. Suzanne--aren't you glad you aren't going through life confused about such things? It must weigh heavily on him. JM2C....
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 I am very grateful. I am even more grateful that I do not have to be the one that is with him while he is going through whatever it is he is going through. He is good at hiding things though so this poor unsuspecting girl is going to get squashed like a bug. It should weigh heavy on him - he is wrong. Don't misunderstand me, if he really wanted to leave me and by leaving me he was making himself happy then more power to him. I will not begrudge him trying to find happiness, but I mean really. We are all adults here. What he is wrong about is his approach. Who treats someone like he is treating me and now his family. If I had any doubts about him being a narcicist, they are all gone!
stilllearning2 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Is he on medication like antidepressants, pain pills? I have a friend going through the same thing but it was his wife who suddendly did an about face for no appparent reason. Found this website on this issue. it has helped my friend understand although he is still devastated. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=400510998
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 No, no medication - but it looks like he needs some
Sands_of_time Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 You know, I never understood why people feel they need someone else to make them happy. I think my values must be really old school! What ever happened to the vows we take in front of our closest family and friend--and in the House of God? It's becoming so easy to save effit nowadays. I think it was GEISHA maybe that said it...it's narcissism, maybe!? lol...marriage vows are almost a joke nowadays! I wonder if we are diluting ourselves when we act like that? If you aren't happy with yourself there is NO WAY someone else is going to make you happy over the long term. Or maybe they've learned all they can learn from you and they need more stimulation to help them cope with life so they go find someone else to fill the void?
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 I hear that. That is why I was totalyy shell shocked over this entire situation. I took my vows seriously and really wanted to make it work. I would have done whatever it took. We all deserve so much better than we are getting - there have to still be some out there that take their marriage vows seriously. At least I hope there are.
Sands_of_time Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I think there are people out there that share the same feelings about marriage. It's finding them that is the challenge. After going through this experience I think there is a "level 2." Level 1 is the qualifying stage...initial physical attraction, family, friends, job, surface compatibility. But Level 2 is the real deal. How you get to Level 2 before you're already in 9 months or a year (values, morals, long term committment...etc)....I don't know. I haven't figured this out...lol. It's life...crazy!
gopher Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I think there are people out there that share the same feelings about marriage. It's finding them that is the challenge. After going through this experience I think there is a "level 2." Level 1 is the qualifying stage...initial physical attraction, family, friends, job, surface compatibility. But Level 2 is the real deal. How you get to Level 2 before you're already in 9 months or a year (values, morals, long term committment...etc)....I don't know. I haven't figured this out...lol. It's life...crazy! Interesting...do you think that Level 1 and 2 are different depending on your age and relationship experiences or do you they are constant?
Gunny376 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 There are those of the "Alamo" type that will stand and man the walls and there are those will cut and run! I'm of the former, come Hell or high water! To the freaking bitter end! Who will stand the walls and man the wire and say "By God!" To whom an oath and promise and their word means something to themselves and to others!
Sands_of_time Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Interesting...do you think that Level 1 and 2 are different depending on your age and relationship experiences or do you they are constant? Good question. I don't know how you determine whether or not your partner is going to be happy in the relationship 1-5-10-15-20 years down the line. People change, likes and dislikes morph throughout time, and the relationship constantly ebbs and flows. How do you know if someone has the "I can work through almost anything" factor? Assume there are no alcohol, drug, abuse issues...etc. If you've been with them for 9 months-1 year or so you have a pretty good idea that they can committ, right? So, you continue with them and get deeper entwined in the relationship. Marriage and kids may soon follow. But committment just isn't for 9 months or 1 year. How do you know they'll be there a few years down the road? I'm all ears on this conundrum. What are your thoughts on this?
Author suzanne2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 Hi everyone!!! I have not logged in for a few days and I have to say that I have missed you guys Sands - I think that you are right when you say that you do not know if you will be happy in 5-10-20 years and that everyone is constanly growing and changing. HOWEVER - I think you get to a certain age in life when your core value system has been pretty much cemented and you know what you like and don't like. I feel especially bad for people going through this is their mid 20's to early 30's. For me that was the time of most change and I can honestly say that was when I became the person that I will be in the future. That was why I waited until my mid 30's to get married, and that I picked someone who was older than me. I figured that by this stag ein life, you are pretty set in your ways and if the two of you mesh, them you have a real good shot of survival. I just picked the wrong guy. I still believe that there are people out there that want the same level of commitment that I do and I plan on having a good time finding him.
climbergirl Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 There are those of the "Alamo" type that will stand and man the walls and there are those will cut and run! I'm of the former, come Hell or high water! To the freaking bitter end! Who will stand the walls and man the wire and say "By God!" To whom an oath and promise and their word means something to themselves and to others! You're a good man, Gunny. I respect the hell out of ya!! It got me thinking that dating a divorced person is a good thing. What they did, what they put into it and how they handled their past marriage is a good gauge in character. The past most definately can dictate what's in store for the future. Suzanne-your husband will most likely handle all his relationships in this manner. It won't be any different with this new girl. I'm glad you're doing well, tho.
Author suzanne2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 Thanks climber...I agree that he won't change and that I should count my blessings. So far so good. I sill have some bad days, but they are getting less and less.
Author suzanne2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Well, so far it has been three months since I moved out and about the same length of time since I spoke with my STBXH. I have had a few bad days were I missed him, but for the most part I have been okay. The one thing that is taking a little getting used to is being in my own apartment. Not that I am lonely, but I am finding it difficult to get myslef into a groove. Part of that is because I am going out a lot more these days and am not at home as often as I used to be, but there are still unpacked boxes and things out of place. I know that I just need to focus on getting my **** together, but I cannot seem to get the motivation to do it. I get motivated to do other things, but just not to get my life organized in this new place. Maybe that is how I am dealing with this? Some people cry...I don't unpack?
jasminetea Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Maybe it is how you deal with it. But not being completely moved on physically is probably also a sign of not having completely moved on emotionally, which is pretty understandable, isn't it? Having said that, I think it would probably help you to do the physical stuff - a bit like fake it till you make it, you know? Make sure you get rid of the empty boxes too, don't have packaging hanging around because that will make it still feel that you're not settled, and if you can, go shopping for cushion, curtains, vases; nesting materials!
Gunny376 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 You're a good man, Gunny. I respect the hell out of ya!! It got me thinking that dating a divorced person is a good thing. What they did, what they put into it and how they handled their past marriage is a good gauge in character. The past most definately can dictate what's in store for the future. Suzanne-your husband will most likely handle all his relationships in this manner. It won't be any different with this new girl. I'm glad you're doing well, tho. You can stand for something? Or you can fall for anything! ONE of the smartest people I ever meet was an un-educated, high school drop out, Africian-American woman from the deep South that once worked for me and that I surprivsed in a production facility who placed the most challenging, demanding, ethical, and moral challenges at my feet,................ "JUST do the RIGHT THING!" "You KNOW what it is! God WROTE IT UPON YOUR HEART THE DAY YOU WERE BORN!" Enough said! Amen!
Author suzanne2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 I have been doing okay. I have not spoken to his parents since they told me he has not told them yet. I have to assume that by now they had some sort of conversation about it, but whatever. It has been 33 days of absolute NC. I had written earlier that I am having a hard time getting my new life in order. Since that time I have been getting it together a little at a time. Today I have been full throttle with breaking down boxes and getting things put away. Of course, I had to pull a book out of a box and a card from him fell out. I thought that I had thrown all of that stuff away!! What was strange was that I couldn't throw it away. I read it and put it back in the book. Made me a little sad. I miss him a little...its not a fierce anxiety ridden oh my God I am going to die if I am not with him miss him...its a dull throb. I think that is worse, because it is constant.
PWSX3 Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 My counselor suggests that I look back at pictures & other things that me & the future W did together, it helps you with the grieving process. I don't see where keeping that card is bad at all. I also plan on keeping pictures of us, that was my past & part of my history. Just because she decided to "quit" on our marriage doesn't mean we didn't have some good times together. It does hurt/sting a little when things come up that reminds you of your spouse but I am finding out the pain doesn't last as long.
Sands_of_time Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Suzanne! I have been thinking about you the last couple weeks wondering how you are getting along. It looks like you are doing well. Did you say you were about 3 months in? I remember those first two months.....too tough! I'm glad you survived the initial carnage. I'm not sure where you are "at" but in my own mind it seems there is a slight fog--kind of a haze I'm gliding through. It's not "frightening" but it's a bit unsettling as I'm not sure what I'll see once it lifts. What a journey! I am glad you are doing well.
Author suzanne2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Sands - I am soo happy that you responded. I have been thinking about you as well. It is kind of wierd, every now and then you will just pop into my head and I will be wondering how you are. I know what you mean. That is what I was trying to say, just couldn't find the words, but you hit the nail on the head. I am like in a fog. I have decided not to go out this week. I have been out almost every night since this whole mess started. (and no I am not at three months yet, I am still in month 2 - split on January 24 - but I am almost there ) and I felt like I needed too be sad for a little while. I have been avoiding it by surrounding myself with people these past six weeks. I have not heard a word from him since February 12. I just think that is wierd - we were married to each other, saw each other every day for 3 years and now it is like I never even existed. Its a little unsetteling. I haven't gotten divorce papers yet either. How long do they usually take after the separation to file the papers? Anyway, how are you? I hope that you are well.
Sands_of_time Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Good for you for surrounding yourself with people. The support system is key, I think. I'll send you a PM (private message) a little later. Work has been crazy lately. Glad you are doing OK!
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