signedin2008 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Well I now think that everyone is right. I have stayed in the hosue with him now for two nights and both nights, he went into his office closed the door and got on his cell phone for about a half hour. I checked his cell phone after he went to sleep and he had cleared out the call log. There is nothing in his e-mail and there were no weird text messages from anyone, but the cleared call log says it all. That explains a lot. I don't know if this started before or after he told me he wanted a divorce, but that doesn't matter. He is probably being such an ********* to me because he is consumed by guilt. He is just a big, fat ugly, cheating liar. Good luck to this one, because if he can do it to me he can do it to her. I just finished reading your thread. Get yourself tested for STDs.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Suzanne, Trust me, the last thing you need right now is to get involved with another man- I know if feels good that someone else finds you attractive- but seriously work on yourself during this time and not make out with someone else. You're still married, even if he's behaving like he's not.
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 That whole making out thing was completely spur of the moment and was exactly what I needed at the time. There will be no relationships any time in the near future. I am going to leave the little note tonight when I get home. I will not be staying home tonight because I have to babysit overnight for my friend and then tomorrow night he is working so that will give us some space after he gets it. I'll let you know what happens. I am going to call the real estate agent today to see if I can move in earlier this week. Hopefully I will be able to.
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Not doing well tonight. I am just feeling really sad and missing him terribly. Worse than usual. I almost picked up the phone and called him. The first real nagging urge that I have had to do that since we split two weeks ago. He's not home and my imagination is on overdrive. Tonight is just a bad night. I can only hope that tomorrow will be better.
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Suzanne, you are bound to have lows. But please believe me when I tell you - This is all his doing, his issue, his problem and his bag to carry. You haven't deserved any of this, and what he has done is both cruel and completely selfish. If you just put him into the slot of "Mentally undetermined" and know that what he has done is very typical of someone who truly does not know his own mind, it might be easier for you to count your blessings that this is ending. Would you be emotionally equipped to deal with somebody who may well have a psychological condition requiring therapy, but who wouldn't be seen dead anywhere near a counsellor/therapist? That's a whole lot of baggage for you to consider carrying, long-term. And actually, why should you have to? He is going to ultimately sabotage every relationship he gets into by eventually treating his GFs the way he's treated you. I feel very sorry for anyone less resilient and together than you, unwittingly and unknowingly taking him on. He could wreak havoc...... But that's not your problem. And neither is he. You are your problem, and you'll be ok. Just set to and look after yourself. Make yourself priority number one, and look ahead, don't stay stuck in yesterday.
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Geisha, thank you for your words of encouragement. You always know exactly what to say. Logically, I know all of those things but today my heart hurts. I just feel really heavy and tired. I am not even going into work today. This is the first day that I didn't go to work since he told me he wanted me to leave. I have also started to cry. I haven't cried since it happened, so I guess that this is a good thing, but I just feel sooo BAD!!! I feel like I am going backwards, but maybe I need to do and feel these things, and since I haven't yet, now the feeling are coming back to haunt me. This is my last week in the house and I have started packing. I think the finality of it is starting to hit me. God help me this weekend while I am moving. I know that you are right about feeling sorry for the next girl. I should have seen this coming really, all of his past GFs were all long term and I am sure they all ended like this...no explanation just see ya later. I guess I thought that I was different because he loved me enough to marry me. I have since learned that marrying someone is no measure of love. It's the respect and support that you show to your spouse during the rough times that really shows love. It is easy to love someone when everything is good.
Sands_of_time Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Geisha, thank you for your words of encouragement. You always know exactly what to say. Logically, I know all of those things but today my heart hurts. I just feel really heavy and tired. I am not even going into work today. This is the first day that I didn't go to work since he told me he wanted me to leave. I have also started to cry. I haven't cried since it happened, so I guess that this is a good thing, but I just feel sooo BAD!!! I feel like I am going backwards, but maybe I need to do and feel these things, and since I haven't yet, now the feeling are coming back to haunt me. This is my last week in the house and I have started packing. I think the finality of it is starting to hit me. God help me this weekend while I am moving. I know that you are right about feeling sorry for the next girl. I should have seen this coming really, all of his past GFs were all long term and I am sure they all ended like this...no explanation just see ya later. I guess I thought that I was different because he loved me enough to marry me. I have since learned that marrying someone is no measure of love. It's the respect and support that you show to your spouse during the rough times that really shows love. It is easy to love someone when everything is good. My heart goes out to you, Suzanne. I know where you are and it's a tough place to be. But just like Geisha said--you will get through it. Everyone is a bit different but it's good that your tears have started. It means you are navigating one of the stages of grief. I cried hard for about 65 days. Try to stay away from Facebook, Myspace, email, text, phone calls, old photos, any old reminders of him. It will set you back each and everytime. It's almost impossible to completely avoid them all but be strong in your conviction.
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 It's just you getting over the intital shock-wave.... You were numb, incredulous, defiant - now you are very, very sad and drained. I cannot blame you, of course you feel that way. It's precisely the same as bereavement, with the subtle difference that the corpse is still live and kicking......!! You should hit the anger stage just in time for your move - I wouldn't be anywhere near you for miles if I were he....! Indulge yourself. Give yourself full permission to be completely washed over and engulfed by this tidalwave of grief. Rant, scream and break a few things. Wrap up warm and go for a really brisk, fast walk. I know you don't feel like it, but a walk IS therapeutic, and you'll shake it out of your system. When you're ready. Hugs hun, take care of you. You're all that matters. ((()))
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 I am going to go to yoga later this afternoon and try to get a little balance back in my life. I just feel so not grounded. I think that I have been feeling like this for some time, but was just so complacent in my relationship that I didn't realize that I was unhappy. I know that it will get better and I know that I will be okay, it just sucks today.
skinman Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 I am going to go to yoga later this afternoon and try to get a little balance back in my life. I just feel so not grounded. I think that I have been feeling like this for some time, but was just so complacent in my relationship that I didn't realize that I was unhappy. I know that it will get better and I know that I will be okay, it just sucks today. Well sorry to hear your having a rough day... on this ride you will one day you will feel fantastic and the next like death warmed over you... Just try and hang in there... one day you will look back and be proud of how you handled yourself and all the pain you went through... Best wishes to you and may today bring much happiness and contentment....
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Thanks. I really need to find some contentment. I spoke with the realtor today and I am signing the lease Friday at 11:30. I should be able to start moving my stuff in on Friday. I hope that he will not be home during the day. I really just don't want to see him. I am just not strong enough to have him here while I am moving out. Worst case senario, I do it on Saturday while he is at his friends wedding. How ironic that I will be moving out on Valentine's Day. Going through stuff and packing I found the card that he gave me last Valentine's Day. I made me very sad, but also made me realize just how much can change in the span of a year. I threw it in the garbage. It's all lies anyway. I am excited to see where I will be next Valentine's Day!!!
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Sod that! I wanna see where he will be April Fool's day!!
climbergirl Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Hi Suzanne, I know very well where you are coming from...I call it the 'fix it' stage. For the first 3 weeks of my separation, I was so sad. I constantly fixated on the good times, how could he do this, what could I have done differently. I felt it was up to me to fix this marriage. I took the burden of the demise of my marriage on my shoulders, and it made me frustrated with myself. Two things happened to switch that around. I guess it really doesn't matter what... My point is that something will snap you out of this, give it some time. I think you utilizing other resources (yoga) is a great idea. I wish I knew who it was, but on another recent thread someone was stating things to do to get over this hump. The gist of it was to focus on YOU. Slowly and when you regain your self esteem, you will stop thinking of the good things about him and become indignant that you were treated this way. Do you have friends and family to talk to? What do they say?
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Yes, I have family and friends. They are all as dumb founded by his behavior as I am. They have all been great during this time and I have been sleeping on all of their couches when home becomes too unbearable. They all support me 100% and of course tell me that it is not my fault and getting divorced is not a measure of myself as a person. That I did all I could ... so on and so forth. Mostly my friends try not to bring it up unless I do first. They have all be keeping me very busy and of course I have a very demanding job so that keeps me busy as well. I am under no illusion that there may have been things that I could have done differently or things about me that I could have worked to make better. Nobody is perfect, but I asked him if he wanted to work on this marriage and go to counseling and he was the one that declined. Yeah, like he's perfect and doesn't need help. I feel like I did all I could, you cannot make someone work on the marriage if they don't want to. I still love him very much and miss him terribly, but I am slowly letting go. Like I said earlier, today my heart hurts, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Well I spent the most of the day lying in bed and writing on this forum. I did manage to get some packing done and I have such an empty feeling right now, I don't even know how to express it. Looking at the empty shelves and drawers has really hit home. It seems all so sureal. A month ago, I though that I was happily married and now I am getting an apartment and a divorce. How did this happen? I also wrote him a letter. This is what I wrote: I just wanted to let you know that I still care for and love you very deeply. While I am surprised, stunned, disappointed and saddened by your decision, I want you to know that I am beginning to accept it. I guess that we have both been unhappy these past few months and either distrust, stubborness, fear or all of the above stopped us from sitting down and having a real heart to heart about it. I will always be sorry for that. I am also sorry for any hurt or diappointment that I may have caused you. I honestly feel that we could have gotten past this had we both agreed to put forth the effort. I also think that we could have had a stronger relationship for it. With that being said, I think that at some point we need to sit down and talk about what happened so that we can both get the closure that we deserve. Judging from our treatment of each other these past few weeks there is disappointment, anger and hostility. I don't want that to be my memory of us. We had some terrific times together and I want to be able to treasure those. I am ready and willing to talk to you, if and when you are ever ready to talk to me. I know that I will probably never get the real truth from him as to why this happened, but I felt that I just had to get that off my chest. God I hope that tomorrow is better.
Mountains10 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Yes, I have family and friends. They are all as dumb founded by his behavior as I am. They have all been great during this time and I have been sleeping on all of their couches when home becomes too unbearable. They all support me 100% and of course tell me that it is not my fault and getting divorced is not a measure of myself as a person. That I did all I could ... so on and so forth. Mostly my friends try not to bring it up unless I do first. They have all be keeping me very busy and of course I have a very demanding job so that keeps me busy as well. I am under no illusion that there may have been things that I could have done differently or things about me that I could have worked to make better. Nobody is perfect, but I asked him if he wanted to work on this marriage and go to counseling and he was the one that declined. Yeah, like he's perfect and doesn't need help. I feel like I did all I could, you cannot make someone work on the marriage if they don't want to. I still love him very much and miss him terribly, but I am slowly letting go. Like I said earlier, today my heart hurts, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. Suzanne, I'm with you on this, I tried all I could do to get my stbxw into counseling for her mid life issues and so forth and she refused, so you're right, you did all you could do. You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself. If he won't work on the marriage, you can't make him, let him find himself on his own. It's just like an addiction, no one wants to admit they have a problem. When he finally realizes he has a problem and agrees to get counseling, then I'd bet money, he'll be calling you up.
Mountains10 Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Well I spent the most of the day lying in bed and writing on this forum. I did manage to get some packing done and I have such an empty feeling right now, I don't even know how to express it. Looking at the empty shelves and drawers has really hit home. It seems all so sureal. A month ago, I though that I was happily married and now I am getting an apartment and a divorce. How did this happen? I also wrote him a letter. This is what I wrote: I just wanted to let you know that I still care for and love you very deeply. While I am surprised, stunned, disappointed and saddened by your decision, I want you to know that I am beginning to accept it. I guess that we have both been unhappy these past few months and either distrust, stubborness, fear or all of the above stopped us from sitting down and having a real heart to heart about it. I will always be sorry for that. I am also sorry for any hurt or diappointment that I may have caused you. I honestly feel that we could have gotten past this had we both agreed to put forth the effort. I also think that we could have had a stronger relationship for it. With that being said, I think that at some point we need to sit down and talk about what happened so that we can both get the closure that we deserve. Judging from our treatment of each other these past few weeks there is disappointment, anger and hostility. I don't want that to be my memory of us. We had some terrific times together and I want to be able to treasure those. I am ready and willing to talk to you, if and when you are ever ready to talk to me. I know that I will probably never get the real truth from him as to why this happened, but I felt that I just had to get that off my chest. God I hope that tomorrow is better. Suzanne, That's a nice letter you wrote, but don't expect much from it. I tried the same thing and got nowhere fast. If you read these forums enough, you'll eventually get the closure on your own. I wrote a letter similar to yours and got a blank look as if I was the one who had the problem. Time solves a lot of the problems on it's own. The problem is, we want everything fixed or answered today, to ease the pain and it just doesn't happen that way unfortunately. Hang in there Suzanne, you seem like a good person and you will get thru this with the help of your friends, family, and LS.
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 I am not expecting a response at all. The main reason why I wrote it is so that I can say that I TRULY did everything that I could to save this marriage and he chose not to. I fully expect that it will end up in the garbage. Thanks for your support, Mountains. I don't think that he will ever admit that he has a problem, but that's okay. He is not my problem anymore.
peteyj Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Sometimes people are just dirtballs and a-holes. Yeah they might still have qualities you once fell in love with. They still might even have many good qualities about them, but people sometimes can't accept the truth of what actually happens. When people cheat or lie or steal or whatever the majority of the time the only mistake they care about is getting caught. Or maybe they hate the fact that they think somebody else is the better fit. Who knows. The grass is always greener on the other side theory. There is really nothing you can do about these facts. Either you stay and try to fight and save the marriage, sometimes you might be setting yourself up for even a harder fall, or you end the marriage and move on. Nothing is really ever easy in life. Relationships and marriage are definitely not easy. I do think sometimes marriages should end due to abuse, violence, etc. But in todays world it seems everybody is out for themselves but in the end everybody is chasing their own tails to never never land. A place that doesn't exist and never will exist. People who cheat or lie or run at the first signs of trouble will probably always do this unless they get serious help. The new relationship might be great for the moment but what happens in a few months, years? They never changed and unless the other person is an idiot or doormat, the same thing is going to happen all over again. It's like anything in life. If you cheat on tests in grade school cause you didn't want to put in the work and you just wanted the easy way out and somehow get through the entire year or years doing this, eventually it's going to catch up with you one way or another. It might not be until years down the line but one day somebody is going to realize you aren't what you claim. Same goes for relationships. If you don't deal with the issues now, one day people will find out. I say lucky for you that you found out now. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that lasted 20+ years and suddenly found out it was all a lie or this other person was just not who they seemed all those years. I'd rather move on sooner rather than have to deal with 20+ years of what the hell happened.
Sands_of_time Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Sometimes people are just dirtballs and a-holes. Yeah they might still have qualities you once fell in love with. They still might even have many good qualities about them, but people sometimes can't accept the truth of what actually happens. When people cheat or lie or steal or whatever the majority of the time the only mistake they care about is getting caught. Or maybe they hate the fact that they think somebody else is the better fit. Who knows. The grass is always greener on the other side theory. There is really nothing you can do about these facts. Either you stay and try to fight and save the marriage, sometimes you might be setting yourself up for even a harder fall, or you end the marriage and move on. Nothing is really ever easy in life. Relationships and marriage are definitely not easy. I do think sometimes marriages should end due to abuse, violence, etc. But in todays world it seems everybody is out for themselves but in the end everybody is chasing their own tails to never never land. A place that doesn't exist and never will exist. People who cheat or lie or run at the first signs of trouble will probably always do this unless they get serious help. The new relationship might be great for the moment but what happens in a few months, years? They never changed and unless the other person is an idiot or doormat, the same thing is going to happen all over again. It's like anything in life. If you cheat on tests in grade school cause you didn't want to put in the work and you just wanted the easy way out and somehow get through the entire year or years doing this, eventually it's going to catch up with you one way or another. It might not be until years down the line but one day somebody is going to realize you aren't what you claim. Same goes for relationships. If you don't deal with the issues now, one day people will find out. I say lucky for you that you found out now. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that lasted 20+ years and suddenly found out it was all a lie or this other person was just not who they seemed all those years. I'd rather move on sooner rather than have to deal with 20+ years of what the hell happened. Wow...great post, PeteyJ. Suzanne, you hang in there.
climbergirl Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I am not expecting a response at all. The main reason why I wrote it is so that I can say that I TRULY did everything that I could to save this marriage and he chose not to. I fully expect that it will end up in the garbage. Thanks for your support, Mountains. I don't think that he will ever admit that he has a problem, but that's okay. He is not my problem anymore. Did you already give it to him? If you haven't, then my suggestion is don't give it to him...write it for yourself and get rid of it. He already knows the above. And even if he doesn't, he just isn't worth it.
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Petey - very insightful and helpful. Thank you for taking the time to post. It really means a lot to me that everyone here is really so supportive. Climbergirl, yes - I did give it to him already, but that is okay. I know not to expect anything. Like I said I really just had to get it off my chest so that I have no regrets later . I needed to create some closure for myself and that was it. Still working on the packing. I am amazed at how much stuff I have accumulated and I am not moving any furniture (the apt. is furnished)it is just my clothes, books, some files and other misc items, but I already have about 20 boxes and all the clothes are still on hangers
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Well he came home this morning and wanted to talk to me for 5 mins. That was the most that he has said to me since we split up. He said that he was sorry, but he was just unhappy and that is all he could tell me now. He also said that he is not angry or hostile toward me, he is just uncomfortable and that is how he handles it. I asked him again if there was someone else and he told me that he was taking someone else to the wedding Saturday, but he was not seeing her while we were married. He has know her 10 years, they are friends (yada, yada) At least I got a kind of sideways admission. I asked him if he was happier now that I was leaving (I know, I know I should never have gone there - but remember this was our first "real" talk) and he said that he has good days and bad same as always. So I said basically you uprooted or entire marriage and changed my life forever for NOTHING. He just sat there and didn't answer me. He then said well maybe I will feel better when all of your stuff is gone. What a SOB. I asked him about his schedule for the weekend and he said that he is working on his day off Friday so he will not be here all night. Good!!! I can move out in peace. Do you believe this? Is he f'ing serious? What does he think, that there are rainbows and butterflys every f'ing day? What a tool.
Author suzanne2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Oh, one more thing. He also admitted that taking the pictures down was a f&*k you. I was really surprised by that.
Geishawhelk Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Oh. My. God. You married a 7-year-old narcissist! Tell me how you did it...!! Please....! Really..... We could do with the help! How do you sit in the same room as a person like him - and not smash a vase over his head?!
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