suzanne2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I knew that we were having some issues, but never in my wildest imagination did I think that he would ask for a divorce. He had some issues at work in the beginning of December and ever since that day, he was just a totally different person. He was just miserable. I tried talking to him, but he would just say he was fine and that there was nothing wrong. Finally on Saturday, I could not take it anymore and told him that if we were going to make our marriage work that he would have to talk to me and he said then he guessed that I had better leave. What??? I tried talking to him, he just says that he is unhappy and he in unwilling to try to work things out. He wants me out of the house by the 15th. It was his house before we married so me leaving is understandable. I have since found an apartment that I will be moving into on the 15th, but I really don't want this. I really want to try to save my marriage. He has stopped speaking with me all together, and has set up a schedule of when I will stay in the house and when he will stay in the house until the 15th so that we don’t have to see each other. He also stated that he will be speaking with an attorney at his first available moment. I just don't know what happened. He kissed me goodbye, said he loved me and went to the gym on Saturday morning and then by Saturday afternoon he is not happy and wants a divorce. What do I do now?[/sIZE][/FONT]
2sure Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Ouch! How long have you been married and what are were you when you married? Other than his work issues, what problems were you having. Its strange and frightening to lose your home and marriage in 30 days without notice!
Edna07 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Is there any way he could be having an affair??
Author suzanne2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 We dated for a year before we got married and we were married for two years on January 20. We never had any REAL arguments during the relationship and I am just shocked at how easy he finds it to throw it all away without at least trying. We are both professionals and have no children. The house was his before we got married and even tough I have contributed to the bills and some renovations that we did over the years, I don't really care about that am not looking for any reimbursement. The divorce should be fairly painless in that regard. Its the emotional toll that is the hardest. I would still really like to try to save it.
Author suzanne2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 that he is having an affair, but I asked him and he said no. He did not come home last night and I have no idea where he eas so maybe he was with his new girlfriend. I think that it might be a little easier for me if he just told me if he did have a girlfriend. Then at least I would have a reason
Edna07 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Yes, that must be so frustrating because it's like it's out of left field and you had no warning. At least if you had a reason, you could process this.
Geishawhelk Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 You know what? I'd sit tight. I would absolutely point-blank refuse to budge an inch unless he clarifies and speaks to me and at least lets me know what damned page he's on. I'd insist on counselling - even if it's for closure, and I would at least expect a bit of respect and courtesy to at least be honest enough and let me know what's going through his mind. That's what.
steveraves Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 You know what? I'd sit tight. I would absolutely point-blank refuse to budge an inch unless he clarifies and speaks to me and at least lets me know what damned page he's on. I'd insist on counselling - even if it's for closure, and I would at least expect a bit of respect and courtesy to at least be honest enough and let me know what's going through his mind. That's what. I somewhat disagree with this. He doesn't have to clarify anything and he doesn't have to go to counciling. Women do this to Men all the time. Regardless, the spouse leaving the marriage does owe the spouse an honest reason why they want to end the marriage. It doesn't always happen and can't be forced. Even if you did get him into counciling if his heart isn't in it, it probably won't go anywhere. I do feel bad for you and can't even imagine the shock you must be in. It could be an affair, but in your first post you mentioned something that happened at work and since then he has changed. It kind of makes me think he might be depressed. You may want to look up depression symptoms. Alot of guys that have depression aren't willing to talk about it because they view themselves as weak. Even if he won't go to counsiling you may want to consider it for yourself just so you have someone who will listen.
Author suzanne2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 sit tight? He has given me a deadline of the 15th and I have already put a deposit on an apartment. Also, he has created this "schedule". I cannot make him talk to me if he doesn't want to. I would like to work it out, but I refuse to degrade myself by begging him to talk to me and give me a reason. He has also flatly refused to go to counseling. I am trying to come to terms with his decision, but I cannot force someone to be with me that just does not want to. I am sad.
Mountains10 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I knew that we were having some issues, but never in my wildest imagination did I think that he would ask for a divorce. He had some issues at work in the beginning of December and ever since that day, he was just a totally different person. He was just miserable. I tried talking to him, but he would just say he was fine and that there was nothing wrong. Finally on Saturday, I could not take it anymore and told him that if we were going to make our marriage work that he would have to talk to me and he said then he guessed that I had better leave. What??? I tried talking to him, he just says that he is unhappy and he in unwilling to try to work things out. He wants me out of the house by the 15th. It was his house before we married so me leaving is understandable. I have since found an apartment that I will be moving into on the 15th, but I really don't want this. I really want to try to save my marriage. He has stopped speaking with me all together, and has set up a schedule of when I will stay in the house and when he will stay in the house until the 15th so that we don’t have to see each other. He also stated that he will be speaking with an attorney at his first available moment. I just don't know what happened. He kissed me goodbye, said he loved me and went to the gym on Saturday morning and then by Saturday afternoon he is not happy and wants a divorce. What do I do now?[/sIZE][/FONT] Do you know for a fact he went to the gym? Sounds like he went to see another person. People don't just up and change moods like that out of nowhere. I would do some research on your part while you're still in the house. You got access to his phone records?
Author suzanne2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I can't say for sure that he did not see another person, but he did put on gym clothes and was not away for more than an hour and a half. I guess that anything is possible. I do not have access to his phone records. He gets all of his bills online and I do not have access to that. I don't know what that would change anyway. I have looked around a little and have found no evidence that he is having an affair.
Geishawhelk Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Suzanne, excuse me, but your last comment in your OP was "What do I do now?" Well several of us have tried to put forward some kind of a plan, but you seem to have covered most of those bases already, and you seem to think that it's a completed thing and a done deal... So I'm a little unclear.... What is it you want? And what do you think YOU should do?
steveraves Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 sit tight? He has given me a deadline of the 15th and I have already put a deposit on an apartment. Also, he has created this "schedule". I cannot make him talk to me if he doesn't want to. I would like to work it out, but I refuse to degrade myself by begging him to talk to me and give me a reason. He has also flatly refused to go to counseling. I am trying to come to terms with his decision, but I cannot force someone to be with me that just does not want to. I am sad. From what you wrote it seems this is your answer. I don't say that in a cavalier way, but it seems you know the answer and just haven't come to terms with it yet. You're correct you can't force him to do anything. I realize this is an extremely sad period for you, that's why I suggested counseling for yourself.
QueenVictoria Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Hi Suzanne: How old is he? Was he a confirmed bachelor type?
Author suzanne2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 I don't know what I want to be perfectly honest with you. One minute I am excited and looking forward to the future and with moving on with my life and the next minute I am wishing he would call me and say he made a mistake and wants to work it out. I know that I do not want to go back to the relationship the way that it was for the last six weeks. I want to go back to the way it was when it was good and I really believe that we could if he would just put forth a little effort. Also, we had a little confusion over the "schedule" I guess that I was not supposed to come home tonight (this is my night) until after 7:30, well I was meeting friends for dinner so I stopped home to change around 6:00 and he was here. When I walked in and saw him I said that I thought tonight was my night. He said that I was not supposed to be here until 7:30. I said oops and that I was just going to change really quick and be out of there. He did not saw anything back and just walked away. I went into the bedroom, closed the door and got changed. While I was in the mirror fixing my hair, he opened the door walked in, and got changed with me in the room. What was that? He couldn't wait two minutes until I left. I am just really stunned, confused, sad, happy, unsettled and on and on. My emotions are all over the place right now. One minute I am fine and the next I am sick to my stomach. Queen Victoria to answer your question, I am 36 he is 42. This is my first marriage, but his second. He was married for a short time in his early twenties, but has been single ever since. He had a few long relationships during that time but no other marriages.
NYCmitch25 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 i knew that we were having some issues, but never in my wildest imagination did i think that he would ask for a divorce. He had some issues at work in the beginning of december...[/size][/font] what marital issues, what issues at work ?
LakesideDream Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Queen Victoria to answer your question, I am 36 he is 42. This is my first marriage, but his second. He was married for a short time in his early twenties, but has been single ever since. He had a few long relationships during that time but no other marriages. My guess is that he's been through a bad relationship and has zero tolerance for "marriage drama". I know I have a zero tolerance mentality on certain "relationship" situations/problems that has caused me to stop seeing a person cold. Emotional defense mechanisms are as old as time. We all try to be true to ourselves (hopefully) and different people react in different ways. Frankly, others have posted that there is nothing you can do to change the situation, and that's absolutely true. The trail has been blazed by your "Walk away Wife" sisters, and the laws have followed suit. I hate that this has happened to you. I hate this has happened to so many others. It's the 21st Century and there is no social pressure to "work things out". People are married until they don't want to be anymore. This time it's your turn to take one for your team. Time to move on as it appears there is nothing there to save. Thank gawd there are no children.
Gunny376 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 LT! There's no more taking one for the team! Just old pit-bulls like you and I! Hey-San Khai-San! Vietnam! Go easy, my Brother! Go easy!
Geishawhelk Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 (gunny, you ok? Meds not kicked in yet....? )
Author suzanne2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 He said something to his boss that his boss tought was inappropriate and sent him home for the day. All in all it was really no big deal, but was an ego crushing experience for him. He was always the "golden boy" on the job and this just really hurt him. I tried to talk to him about it, but he just refused to talk back. He also was basically drunk for a week or two after that incident, and while he is not drunk all the time anymore, he did start drinking more than usual. I guess things affect people very differently. How I would handle a situation is very different how he would handle it. I just wish we could talk about it. I'm just very disappointed.
Geishawhelk Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Oh my goodness, he's a narcissist. This is all about him. He has completely closed off all emotion towards you, because you don't matter. You are surplus to requirement. Google narcissistic symptoms and see whether any of it fits. Lordy, you may well be far better off without him, you know.
giotto Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 give him space... there is no point in putting pressure on him... having said that, the drinking won't help... when the deadline expires, he'll have to take the final decision... sorry I can't help more...
Author suzanne2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Yes, he has closed off all emotion to me. That is way I feel so conflicted. I love him and want to work it out on one hand, but on the other, I don't want to be with someone who thinks so little of me and this relationship. AUGGHHHHH!!! Whay can't we all just get along I just wish I would start feeling better.
Author suzanne2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 I looked up narcissistic symptoms and he definately has a few of them. I guess that I am better off without him, but how come I want him back? Also, I am giving him all the space he needs. I have not called him, email, texted or tried to make any communication with him what so ever. The only interaction since Saturday was out chance run in the other day. I also told him that day that since I was the one that was moving out and finding an apartment then he would have to be the one to file for divorce. He said fine he does not want this to drag on and he wants to move on with his life. I wonder how long it will take him to do that?
Geishawhelk Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 He definitely sounds like a narcissist with depression. I think this disciplinary action from his boss has knocked him for six; He actually hasn't fully recovered and he's now getting rid of everything in his life he might ever possibly fail at. If there's nothing there to try for, how can he fail? He's blanking you off completely, because to engage in a discussion with you might mean failing at putting forward his argument. You might just propose a discussion he can't get the upper hand in....he may not be able to put his point across successfully..... Because he doesn't have one. So he's gone into "I'm in total control here," mode..... Oh my word.
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