Mustain2234 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Just to quickly summarize our history, she and I were only dating for a short while; approximately a month. I was dumped about a week after New Years 2008. It has obviously been over a year since then. The reasons for our breakup, according to her, weren't unusual -- she "couldn't be in a relationship right now. " And she "woke up several days prior with a panic attack at the thought of committing." It may have entirely been bull****, but I accepted it. I never whined, begged or cried for her to come back; even though not having her around was killing me. From the time of our breakup through now, we have seen each other exactly five times. Obviously not a lot. However, we frequently texted back and forth (maybe once a week) and talked on the phone maybe once a month. Now, I know all of you may be thinking she was holding me back; but I dated several women during this stretch. No relationships, though. I've only been in several long term relationships, anyways. It's not something I just jump into, and certainly not just to convince people (such as my friends) that I've moved on. During the duration of time from Jan. 08 to Jan. 09 we never discussed other people in our lives, so it's not as if I could have given her an opportunity to feel jealous. The best I can describe what we have is I'm not in the friend zone (because she doesn't treat me like a friend; which includes talking about other guys) but we're not sexually involved, either. It has always been some neutral area. Well, wouldn't you know we decide to casually meet at a local bar on the one year anniversary of our breakup. We had joked about it in the days leading up so it wasn't as if it were an awkward reunion. I arrive, meet some of her friends I hadn't seen since the breakup and have a quality time. Even call several of my friends to come up and join us. Everything and everyone appeared to be clicking together. Around 11:00 my friends leave to go to another bar, whereas I stay around with my ex and her friends. Ane hour later one of her friends leave and she asks me to come out into the parking lot with her. After her friend leaves she just casually puts her arm around me as we re-enter the bar. Upon entering, there's a hallway that segways into the entrance. It's here, after remarking how tall I am -- that we're both quiet. I look down at her and she's just giving me this look. The "I want you to kiss me look." So I do. And it's not just a small peck on the cheek, but a sloppy, passionate kiss that you'd expect couples to make. I was absolutely shocked this happened. Especially in a public area, even though no one was around at the moment it happened. After this it was a seamless transition back in the bar. Neither of us mentioned it. Then when I'm back in the bar by myself, texting a friend, she comes up and we begin flirting for about half an hour. All the while she's touching me and rubbing my back. Flash forward to the end of the night. I'm about to leave, at which point she asks if she can have a ride home. I agree, but meanwhile in my mind I'm thinking what's going to happen. What do I do if she invites me in? We've discussed the issue of getting back together before, but I told her a LONG time ago that as the dumpee it's not my responsibility to initiate anything. If he didn't feel it, or want it, then don't bring it up. Of course this isn't how I felt, but I would never have given the alternative of "I'll be here waiting for you." When I arrive at her house, at this point it's 2:20am, her and I are parked in her driveway. We're talking about a lot of different subjects, and at one point there's just silence. We both look at each other, then again begin kissing. This entire process of talking then kissing repeated itself again. Now, this is where things become muddled. Atleast from my end. I made the mistake of telling her things like "I've missed you" and "I didn't think the night would go this way." Although this isn't where doubt was raised in my mind. When exiting my car, one the way to her front door, I exit my car to give her a hug. While both arms are around her I kiss her on the lips. She had her face turned, as to expect one on the cheek but had to quickly go back to catch my kiss. At this moment I begin to wonder what all of this meant. Upon returning to my town (I went to a 4am bar afterwards) I receive a text message thanking me for sticking around. I respond back. However, in my mind, I'm already beginning to examine everything that occurred in the night. I'm thinking to myself, how do I proceed? What I decide upon is giving her some time. She, admitting, had some drinks and was a little tipsy. It may have been the alcohol. Perhaps she would wake up tomorrow feeling regret. Five days pass without as much as a text. I decide to initiate the conversation and text her about the remainder of her break. I make sure not to mention that night. She immediately responds back, also avoiding mention of that night, and jokes around about school. It ends right there. Since this light-hearted exchange it has been 22 days of no contact. I don't believe we've ever gone this long without so much as a text. This extends back to the beginning of the breakup. Now, what I'm racking my brain about is wondering what's the appropriate course of action from here? Could it be possible she is purposely avoiding contact as to suggest the kiss was nothing more than that? Is she trying to make me chase after her -- perhaps in her mind thinking "I made the first step, now it's up to him"? In a way, I almost would have preferred nothing had happened. Then I'd at least know where I stand. Now we're almost in this Friends with benefits flux where, if we see each other again, I'm left wondering what happens from here -- do we kiss again? Does it progress further? I'm just worried about making the wrong move and pushing her back. First off, I don't want to seem to eager to start anything again. My course of action is to wait atleast 9 days until a month passes and then initiate contact. Perhaps talk about meeting for lunch or out for a drink just her and I. How does that sound? Any thoughts on this mess haha. Sorry about the length. I hope several people stayed through with it to the end.
Geishawhelk Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 ...... I look down at her and she's just giving me this look. The "I want you to kiss me look." So I do. And it's not just a small peck on the cheek, but a sloppy, passionate kiss that you'd expect couples to make. And this was undoubtedly your biggest mistake. Right there. I was absolutely shocked this happened. Especially in a public area, even though no one was around at the moment it happened. After this it was a seamless transition back in the bar. Neither of us mentioned it. Then when I'm back in the bar by myself, texting a friend, she comes up and we begin flirting for about half an hour. All the while she's touching me and rubbing my back. .....blah blah, blah-blah-blah.... blah.... .... then kissing repeated itself again. I made the mistake of telling her things like "I've missed you" and "I didn't think the night would go this way." Another huge mistake..... .....I kiss her on the lips. She had her face turned, as to expect one on the cheek but had to quickly go back to catch my kiss. At this moment I begin to wonder what all of this meant. The red flag finally starts flutterring.... Any thoughts on this mess haha. Sorry about the length. I hope several people stayed through with it to the end. She's a prick-teaser. She's playing you. She knows that if she wants to she can jerk your chain and throw you breadcrumbs and you'll follow and pick up whatever she throws at you. Oh dear. Have fun, and enjoy. It will all end in tears, unless you end it here and now.
Author Mustain2234 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 And this was undoubtedly your biggest mistake. Right there. Another huge mistake..... The red flag finally starts flutterring.... She's a prick-teaser. She's playing you. She knows that if she wants to she can jerk your chain and throw you breadcrumbs and you'll follow and pick up whatever she throws at you. Oh dear. Have fun, and enjoy. It will all end in tears, unless you end it here and now. Damn, that was a fast response. I figured as much, but its good reading other people suggest it. I know I said and did several things that only reinforced the idea that she can control me. It's almost shameful in a way because I was so surprised by her actions that I let my guard down and actually told her a little how I felt. I've heard it many times before that if someone (esp. an ex) is interested in you, they'll find you. I just feel she's better at this game and knows all my moves before I make them. However, let's throw out a scenario -- let's say she's legitimately interested in starting something again. Couldn't it be reasonable that it begins with a kiss? I personally believe more has to happen than this, as I previously alluded to. It's demoralizing, for me atleast, to think about being dumped and then having to set a date or a casual meeting after what happened several weeks ago. That's why I'm wondering if anyone believes her kissing me and whatnot is her way of making the first move? It seems one person doesn't think so.
Geishawhelk Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 You're right, I don't and I'll tell you why.... Since this light-hearted exchange it has been 22 days of no contact. I don't believe we've ever gone this long without so much as a text. ......Because you can bet your Jiminy that had she wanted to re-ignite something now, she would have acted very promptly. Flirting the way she did, was really a way of getting some kick into her evening. And she would have said something more encouraging, instead of making small talk the last time you chatted. That's why.
gopher Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I agree with Geisha, it sounds like she needed an ego boost....I'm afraid that you will only get hurt if you continue to let her hang around your life.
gd26 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I agree as well. Considering that she was the one to have dumped you, the burden of the responsibility to get back together (if she wanted it) was on her. If you had been the one to have initially dumped her, then I would have encouraged you to pursue her more, as her hesitation and days of no contact might have been her uncertainty and fear of getting hurt again. But that's not the case here. If she wanted to get back with you, she should have been the one to tell you clearly her intentions and be the one asking you for another chance to make things right with you. But instead she is playing games. That's not cool. It's not your job to pursue her after she is the one who broke up with you. The ball was in her court this time around, but instead of making things right, she is just playing with your emotions again. I know it's hard, but it seems best to just let this girl go... and move forward with your life.
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