Rissy Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Ok, I need some advice from the guys. I recently met what seems to be a good guy on Match.com, of all places. We've been hanging out for about 3 weeks, and he's made it clear he's attracted and ready to get intimate, but I've told him on several occasions, I don't just jump into that and I want there to be more of a basis of knowing each other, and know that we are both focused on seeing eac hother and seeing where things go before I cross that bridge. He's been very understanding, and has respected that and has said at this point in his life it's more quality vs. quantity. When we spend time together it's great. He puts some effort in, but at the same time it's not tons I would like to see more. On top of that he will hide his profile, then it goes back up, then he hides it etc. I've told him I've hidden mine becuase I'm interested in seeing where things can go, but if he's still weighing his options, I'm ok with it, just keep me posted, and he's said he's only talking to/seeing me. So guys, what's the deal? What can I do to help him put a little more effort in and decide to take the chance of seeing where things can go with me and take his profile down? Until his profile is down for good and he's focused on moving forward with me, I'm not sleeping with him. Any advice would be helpful?
Still Trying Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Well you could sleep with him! Sorry couldn't resist. I actually really respect your stance - I think that if things don't work out with my current I would actually like to play the waiting game in the future. Sex messes with our emotions so easily that's it's common to feel like you're in love when it's simply lust. Ok though, how to make him put more effort in? That's entirely up to him, not you! How about some more specifics here. Does he initiate phone conversations? Ask you out on dates? Texts/emails? how about getting a little more physical with him with out having sex? have you kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc? Sometimes for me (yes a real guy) those things are actually a lot more important than the actual act of intercourse. He may respond really well to some of that and it might be all he's looking for to "hide" his profile.
carhill Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Typical dating power game. What did you do before social networking and dating sites on the internet existed? FWIW, my wife and I met on what would later become Match.com over a decade ago. We totally forgot we had our profiles up and finally took them down sometime after getting engaged and long (months) after becoming exclusive and intimate. I guess it wasn't too important in the scheme of things. The key is the dynamic between the two of you. If he's waffling, call him on it and express your desires. If you want to have sex with him, do that. It's really OK.
Charles1978 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 If it has only been three weeks and you two aren't exclusive, then I wouldn't worry about it. I know it is a "dating" site and all, and although I've never used one, it is just another way people meet other people. Chances are, throughout his day, he is also meeting people in other more traditional ways. You can't stop him from doing that, so why try to stop him from showing his profile? Until you are exclusive... and if it is meant to be, that will come in time... I'd try to just let it go. Get a couple months under your belts and then consider being exclusive. Make it known that it's what you want and see where it goes from there.
MN randomguy Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 How long have you been dating? I wouldn't stress so much about it. If you think you're going to manipulate him or push him into committing you'll only push him away. Keep things light and fun. How old are you? I know women in their 30s tend to change the type of guy they're looking for. Then they expect more for less from them.
Author Rissy Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Well you could sleep with him! Sorry couldn't resist. I actually really respect your stance - I think that if things don't work out with my current I would actually like to play the waiting game in the future. Sex messes with our emotions so easily that's it's common to feel like you're in love when it's simply lust. Ok though, how to make him put more effort in? That's entirely up to him, not you! How about some more specifics here. Does he initiate phone conversations? Ask you out on dates? Texts/emails? how about getting a little more physical with him with out having sex? have you kissed, held hands, cuddled, etc? Sometimes for me (yes a real guy) those things are actually a lot more important than the actual act of intercourse. He may respond really well to some of that and it might be all he's looking for to "hide" his profile. Thanks for all of the advice! Believe me, I'm not trying to push or make a guy do anything, that isn't possible, but in the past, I may have been the one to reach out too much and not let the guy pursue, so I just want to make sure this time we are putting in equal effort. "Still Trying" Yes, we've done all of the above, and we really enjoy spending time together and being close with out actually having sex. He does call and text, but I've been out of town for a week, and I can tell it's fallen off a little, but when we talk it all seems the same. He does set up dates, but we'll see what happens when I get home. We all have free will, and I just want to make sure I'm doing my part to make this work as well, and in the meantime he'll just decide to hide his profile etc. To me that's actively searching or opening yourself up to meeting someone, so there is no way I want to get my emotions all wrapped up until he's shown me where I stand. Time will tell....Thanks again...
movingonandon Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Well, you have given him most of all possible reasons to be wary. The more you "take it slow", the more he'll be looking around. I'm not saying his or your approach is better, but I'm saying that you can be anything but surprised. *Nobody* will put "more effort" into trying to impress somebody who they met 3 weeks ago AND who is giving them mixed signals (Unless that someone is Megan Fox, in which case "putting more effort" probably would be ill advised too anyway...) I'm not saying yo ushould sleep with him right now (though it would probablly help ), but the *efort* to hang out, do stuff etc., get to know etc. should be reciprocal.
movingonandon Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Sex messes with our emotions so easily that's it's common to feel like you're in love when it's simply lust. And this is a problem because...?
Still Trying Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 And this is a problem because...? In the short term it's awesome. If, for instance, you're actually looking for the real deal, it can be a negative influence for some people, myself included. We all have free will, and I just want to make sure I'm doing my part to make this work as well, and in the meantime he'll just decide to hide his profile etc. To me that's actively searching or opening yourself up to meeting someone, so there is no way I want to get my emotions all wrapped up until he's shown me where I stand. Time will tell....Thanks again... Impossible not to get emotionally attached to someone that you obviously care about to some degree. I understand where you are coming from, I'm dealing with the same thing in an exclusive relationship. I had been pushing her to make these commitments with me that she wasn't ready for. I had to take a step back and remember that after 3 or 4 months we had already been moving quite fast - I am scared to become emotionally invested in a person that's not going to be ultimately compatible with me in the long run. I've since realized that I have to lay down some of these fears and just take it a little slower. If, however you want to be in an exclusive relationship, why not talk about it with him. Unfortunately sleeping with him would very likely seal this deal but stick to your guns if you must and talk it out with him. If he knows that things will become more intimate once he's committed a bit maybe that's what he needs. Some of that might send off some red flags though because I think most good guys would become exclusive before sleeping with a girl if they really liked said girl. good luck.
whitburn1986 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Ok, I need some advice from the guys. I recently met what seems to be a good guy on Match.com, of all places. We've been hanging out for about 3 weeks, and he's made it clear he's attracted and ready to get intimate, but I've told him on several occasions, I don't just jump into that and I want there to be more of a basis of knowing each other, and know that we are both focused on seeing eac hother and seeing where things go before I cross that bridge. He's been very understanding, and has respected that and has said at this point in his life it's more quality vs. quantity. When we spend time together it's great. He puts some effort in, but at the same time it's not tons I would like to see more. On top of that he will hide his profile, then it goes back up, then he hides it etc. I've told him I've hidden mine becuase I'm interested in seeing where things can go, but if he's still weighing his options, I'm ok with it, just keep me posted, and he's said he's only talking to/seeing me. So guys, what's the deal? What can I do to help him put a little more effort in and decide to take the chance of seeing where things can go with me and take his profile down? Until his profile is down for good and he's focused on moving forward with me, I'm not sleeping with him. Any advice would be helpful? Match.com - don't go there. From what I hear it tends to be a conduit for Nigerian/419 spammers and dating scams or as part of a Nigerian crime network. Whether there actually are any I don't know, but be very wary about this. I myself haven't used dating sites for fear of this problem actually happening. I've rarely heard positive experiences, although the verifiability of these has yet to be proven. Hope I've been of some help. Hope this helped.
tanbark813 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 The problem is you're expecting him to put in more effort than you're willing to do so yourself. I don't just jump into that and I want there to be more of a basis of knowing each other, and know that we are both focused on seeing eac hother and seeing where things go before I cross that bridge. So since you guys haven't slept together yet, he's going to take it as you still seeing where things go and being unsure of him. Given that, why would he take his profile down? You can't expect more of a commitment from someone than you've given. Personally, I wouldn't take my profile down until I was serious with a girl, and I wouldn't consider it serious until we were at least sleeping together. I'm sure I'm not alone on that. If you want him to put more effort in or be more serious, you'll also have to do so yourself. No risk, no reward.
tincanman99 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Speaking as a guy, if you told me you wanted to take it slow I would take that as a red flag that you were not really into me. That you were weighing your options and playing the field. 3 weeks of seeing someone is not a whole lot of time. You really barely know the person. You said he is not putting in enough effort, what exactly are are you expecting? I am not being sarcastic, just curious what your expectations are. In my experience as a guy if you come off as all excited to see her and pursue her and are into her, women take this as you being needy and insecure. Shortly there after you get the speech about being just friends . So I have learned to pace it and not call to much because than you dont appear needy.
IrishCarBomb Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I think my post in here says it all. It really was good. Kudos to you, sir. A job well done. You deserve a Heineken
whitburn1986 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 It really was good. Kudos to you, sir. A job well done. You deserve a Heineken Sorry. My mistake for posting it.
Illiandra Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 You can casually ask him what plan he signed up for on match.com maybe he signed up for the 1 month or 3 month or 1 yr even! i met a great guy on match (and known others who have had successful relationships through match) after our 3rd date he took his profile down and let me know he did. as far as the intimate part... 3 weeks personally is pushing it... and perhaps hes the type of guy that wants to get intimate right away.. only you can find out what his motives and intentions are. in the meantime just try to get to know him better and dont hook up every time you guys go out lol
Ramrod Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 This is too funny. I met a woman online back in 2003. After 3 months, we had dated, had sex numerous times, she even proclaimed her love for me. After hearing about her level of affection for me and since I hadn't been dating any other woman. I made the "romantic gesture" of taking my profile down from the site where we met. Fast forward another week or so, and while we're together one night, at her place, after I had been reading some erotic fiction to her, I stand up in order to shuck off my boxer-briefs and get ready to my thing and lo and behold a voice from her computer announces (you've got mail!). She was being updated on her matches from that web-site. Awkward, destructive to the mood, and ultimately the first step down the road to our break-up. Hold-out. Make him take his down first. BUT THEN TAKE YOURS DOWN TOO!!!
You'reasian Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 When we spend time together it's great. He puts some effort in, but at the same time it's not tons I would like to see more. Perhaps he's not as into you as you are him? I know its not the best thing to think about but its always a reality when you are dating. Until his profile is down for good and he's focused on moving forward with me, I'm not sleeping with him. Any advice would be helpful? Perhaps he's just not ready to settle? Sounds like you are doing all the right things, being a good girl etc.but he's just not ready for a relationship at this time - at least with the two of you.
socialight Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 sorry for the hijak but let's go back to the "erotic fiction" part. At what point do you bust that out? I heard girls get turned on by words as much as anything, but never seen or heard it used in practice like that. Do you just ask her if she wants to hear a bedtime story or something?
Ramrod Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 sorry for the hijak but let's go back to the "erotic fiction" part. At what point do you bust that out? I heard girls get turned on by words as much as anything, but never seen or heard it used in practice like that. Do you just ask her if she wants to hear a bedtime story or something? I pretty much roll with the Mr. Good Guy act until the female takes off the kid gloves, then I show her my aptitude for writing porn or begin to read her hot 'n spicy stuff like Letters to Penthouse, that sort of thing. The girl I was dating was a closet freak. Her thing was threesomes as she was bi-curious. Sadly, she wanted an LTR and I had just come out of one, so the road forked at that point. Another thing I like to do, with a female is to either create or cut n' paste some tasteful well-written erotica into an email, and replace the characters with us. Then I write my point of view into it, send it to her, and let her reciprocate. Believe it or not it will bring all the fetishes and fantasies to light. The gal who dug the threesomes had a thing for watching me pea, which over time morphed into...uh oh, better stop now. Our respective freakiness began when she called me two weeks into our relationship, we had, had vanilla sex up until that point, anyway she called me on the phone while in the middle of cough, cough with herself and was huffing, puffing and it just escalated from there. I go low-profile until they show a little interest in the kink. Women, especially those who the conventional types, the ones who want to be dominated and have the man take charge, get a little rush out of thinking thier responsible for corrupting him. I was born corrupted and a little deviant, but I hold back, and pretend that their showing me the way. It resiults in their pushing the envelope further and further until they either lead you to where you wanted to go in the first place, or they push it to places you thought you'd never see unless it was on T.V.!
Ramrod Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 sorry for the hijak but let's go back to the "erotic fiction" part. At what point do you bust that out? I heard girls get turned on by words as much as anything, but never seen or heard it used in practice like that. Do you just ask her if she wants to hear a bedtime story or something? EXACTLY!!! That's one way to do it. I always let them go first. But that's my style. I ask them to tell me a bedtime story. But the same approach can also work. I've gone that route too. But as I have gotten older and my women have gotten younger, I hold back a little.
BobSacamento Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Are you exclusive or are you not? It sounds like you are and he's not. And it sounds like you are ok with it because you said you are ok with it. Are you really ok with it? If not, tell him and if he's not cool with it move on.
socialight Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 ramrod -- that is sick and fabulous! great stuff! I have a hard time being subtle though so I am sure it takes experience plus natural skill to tell when to whip it out. Good thinking though, that is definately the "he's so different" type of crap that will have 'em creaming in their jeans.
bean1 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Soo... it sounds like you won't have sex until exclusivity is established (his profile is down, not dating others, etc), but I would wager that he has the opposite thinking - he won't commit/be exclusive with a woman who he hasn't had sex with (and determined compatibility in that area). Not an unusual clash for men and women! You are probably going to just ask him straight out if that is his way of thinking. Although I didn't date anyone after meeting my SO, the concept of exclusivity didn't even enter my mind until having sex for the first time.
BlueEyedGirl Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 A man can't really fall in love with a woman until they have had sex...
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