boldjack Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I have little or no pity for you. You are NOT sorry for what you did to your husband and Not sorry for dumping your O.M. The only person you are sorry for is yourself. Every decision you have made has been wrong. Yes , you certainly are sorry.
KismetGirl Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I have little or no pity for you. You are NOT sorry for what you did to your husband and Not sorry for dumping your O.M. The only person you are sorry for is yourself. Every decision you have made has been wrong. Yes , you certainly are sorry. Gee, that was very helpful advice. You should be a therapist. We are lucky to have insightful people like you on this board. She didn't ask for your pity. She asked for help/support in trying to do the right thing now because she is struggling with emotions that won't go away. You can't choose how you feel. You can choose only your actions and she is now trying to do the right thing. Answer the questions or keep your crap to yourself. Insults don't help anyone. 1
boldjack Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 KG, I was a cheater many times and probably would be still. I could not be faithful. Women were like drugs. It wasn't until someone raised hell with me that I began to change my behavior. I went to every woman and apologized and offered ALL information that they wanted. I was called every name in the book, but I now have honor and integrity, which i didn't before. I hope this woman chooses to tell the truth, what ever happens she will be able to hold herself up and have hope for a better future.
KismetGirl Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 KG, I was a cheater many times and probably would be still. I could not be faithful. Women were like drugs. It wasn't until someone raised hell with me that I began to change my behavior. I went to every woman and apologized and offered ALL information that they wanted. I was called every name in the book, but I now have honor and integrity, which i didn't before. I hope this woman chooses to tell the truth, what ever happens she will be able to hold herself up and have hope for a better future. That's well and good, and maybe tough love worked for you, but in most cases it is counterproductive and makes people feel worse without actually providing for them a means of changing. That's all. I don't think it was the name calling that changed you, and it won't change her or anyone else. I dont mean you have to agree with a person or sugar coat things, but if youre going to throw in morality, throw in constructive advice too. Tis all. Shan't thread jack anymore....sorry OP. Hope you find a way to decide how to move forward and you and the H are happy. That's all anyone wants isn't it? Just to be....happy. Whatever that means.
boldjack Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 KG, Too many times , what we call constructive advice is a form of enabling. . I don't know this person, but she doesn't REALLY seem to realize the harm TO OTHERS, she has caused. Ice water is sometimes better for clearing the head, than a soothing blanket.
KismetGirl Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 KG, Too many times , what we call constructive advice is a form of enabling. . I don't know this person, but she doesn't REALLY seem to realize the harm TO OTHERS, she has caused. Ice water is sometimes better for clearing the head, than a soothing blanket. no one gave her a soothing blanker. i told her to get her sh*t together, and if she wants to stay married, stay away from her OM, forget about him, and work on the roots of her marriage with her husband. Id say that was far more constructive than your proclamation that you have no pity for her. With all due respect, your presence or lack of pity is irrelevant to this discussion. My advice, however, I think was rather relevant. Have a lovely day.
lkjh Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 no one gave her a soothing blanker. i told her to get her sh*t together, and if she wants to stay married, stay away from her OM, forget about him, and work on the roots of her marriage with her husband. Id say that was far more constructive than your proclamation that you have no pity for her. With all due respect, your presence or lack of pity is irrelevant to this discussion. My advice, however, I think was rather relevant. Have a lovely day. maybe you are right but when people see how their actions come off they tend to jerk back to reality. By telling someone everything will get better is just enabling what they are already doing.......nothing
boldjack Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Kg, You are an enabler. I don't have pity for this woman, but I do have concern. Look at your own posts . You have said everything and nothing. You can't base any good relationship on lies no matter how much you try to. No matter how much you rationalize and prevaricate, the truth has a bad habit of coming out sooner or later. I don't know about DR, but I would want a future free of lies , guilt and shame.
Athena Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 deeplyregret;2020793 Yes, there is a way for you to get back with your husband, and without having to tell him right away the truth about what you have been up to -- just do what Scarred's wife did -- she had an affair after being married to him for only two years, then she ended the affair and Became A Good Wife to her husband for the next 15 years.... because of her Hints at what a bad person she was, and How She Didn't Deserve her husband, he Finally Got the Hint and Asked her and pushed and prodded her for several months until she finally Told Him the Truth... Guess what? He forgave her.... and she told him She Didn't Have Sex with Her OM and because her affair was soooooo loooooong ago, and she Had Proved Her Worth to him (by lying?!) by being a Devoted, Loving Wife... He decided to do his best to improve the marriage... Why not try that? Oh -- and a LOT of Posters on his thread backed him up by saying she had proved herself not to cheat again, so he was right about keeping her... nobody said a thing about how she lied to him for 15 years (they kinda all got hung up on whether or not she truly had sex with the OM...) the LYING to him part, the Betrayal for 15 years was literally ignored! So -- Yes there is HOPE for you too, just be a good wife from now on, and one day you can tell him the truth, (well most of it) and you will have proved your worthiness... apparently this technique works well....
boldjack Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 My point exactly, even after 15yrs. the truth came out.
seibert253 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 deeplyregret;2020793 Yes, there is a way for you to get back with your husband, and without having to tell him right away the truth about what you have been up to -- just do what Scarred's wife did -- she had an affair after being married to him for only two years, then she ended the affair and Became A Good Wife to her husband for the next 15 years.... because of her Hints at what a bad person she was, and How She Didn't Deserve her husband, he Finally Got the Hint and Asked her and pushed and prodded her for several months until she finally Told Him the Truth... Guess what? He forgave her.... and she told him She Didn't Have Sex with Her OM and because her affair was soooooo loooooong ago, and she Had Proved Her Worth to him (by lying?!) by being a Devoted, Loving Wife... He decided to do his best to improve the marriage... Why not try that? Oh -- and a LOT of Posters on his thread backed him up by saying she had proved herself not to cheat again, so he was right about keeping her... nobody said a thing about how she lied to him for 15 years (they kinda all got hung up on whether or not she truly had sex with the OM...) the LYING to him part, the Betrayal for 15 years was literally ignored! So -- Yes there is HOPE for you too, just be a good wife from now on, and one day you can tell him the truth, (well most of it) and you will have proved your worthiness... apparently this technique works well.... Failure to do right is the same as doing wrong. You know what the right thing to do is. If your looking for someone to tell you it's OK to decieve your husband AGAIN, and repeatedly until you feel it's OK to finally disclose the truth, then this place is not for you. I hate to monday morning quarterback, but as with all spouses who later have remorse, what's done is done. You should have thought about the consequences long ago before you started all this.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 my question is, did I make the right decision to break up with my lover ? I want to end the relationship before I got busted. 2nd question, is it possible to love my husband as much as I love him before I met my lover ? Sometimes I think I never loved my husband as much as I love my lover 3rd question, how can I stop being so addicted and how can I find willpower to stop thinking about him ? I feel so helpless and depressed. You just ended it so you would not get caught? If that is the case... you ended the wrong relationship. You should think about ending your marriage instead. Bah! Are you kidding? Let me boil this down for you. Attention=Love. If you could get your husband to begin paying a lot of attention to you, then you would love him like crazy.
citizen67 Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 PS- honesty always sounds like the best policy and its alot easier to live a life with someone happliy if there aren't secrets between you two....but I personally think this is a little tricky. By the way, have you two got any kids? and if so, how old are they? You might have said this already, but I admit I only read some of the posts.... We don't know your husband as well as well as you of course. If you tell him teh truth, he may forgive you, or he may be so distraught that your marriage is never the same again. I dunno....it's tricky. In some cases I really think people are better off not knowing if you intend to never do this again and make the effort to work only on your marriage. I almost feel like telling spouses about affairs works more to alleviate your own guilt than to "do the right thing".....in a way, Im not sure I could ever trust someone again if they cheated on me. A relationship without trust....well....personally I think it's impossible to maintain. From then on out, everytime you go out with a friend, come home late from work, are stuck in traffic, get a phone call from a male co worker, your spouse will be driving themselves crazy wondering if you're doing it again. Then again, some people can forgive and trust again. Personally I don't think a five year affair can be forgotten. I dont think true trust would ever be there again. A one time, one night stand, maybe.....but five years? Coming from someone who has been an OW for four years Im sure it sounds hippocritical....but if someone cheated on my for five years I'd never trust them again. Like I said....everytime he came home late from work, had a female co worker, I'd be paranoid he was doing it again. Tough call....but that one is ultimately up to you, I guess. I was glad to see that I wasnt the only one to feel this way. I was surprised to see how one-sided the "you must tell" advice was, when my reaction was, if it is truly over, don't tell the H it happened. How about if he asks (5 years he never got an inkling?) you tell - and if he doesn't ask? Very possibly he would rather not hear. And no, don't "do it for yourself" - you did the affair for youself - stop doing stuff for yourself in the context of this decision - try doing your damndest to make it work with the H
In Like Flynn Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 If I told him the truth, our marriage is going to be finished and I don't want that. What marriage??? If you care anything for your husband tell him or at least divorce him and give him everything financially for compensation for this guy screwing his wife for 5 years. But all cheaters are selfish so you will only think of yourself and stay until another guy comes around. You will say the usual BS about how divorce will effect the kids etc but really its only about you. I bet your whole life you have treated people this way!!
lkjh Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Im sorry but the only reason not to tell are simply selfish ones. I hate when people say telling will hurt the BS, when in reality the cheating is what hurts them. Not the honesty.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Im sorry but the only reason not to tell are simply selfish ones. I hate when people say telling will hurt the BS, when in reality the cheating is what hurts them. Not the honesty. This is true! What it really does is take away the ability for a BS to choose their own fate. If you can't respect someone enough to let them choose for themselves how they want their life to be, you should not be with them. The implications are... interesting. Removing someones choice is removing their freedom. Thus in a way you would be using lies and falsehoods to shackle a person to a relationship. Sounds pretty evil to me.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 My point exactly, even after 15yrs. the truth came out. Ya, but that is 15 years of living in a lie of a marriage. Not something that a BS is going to get over easily.
boldjack Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Oh, for sure. This isn't a real marriage, just an evil travesty of one. Without TOTAL honesty on her part, every minute will be another lie.
boldjack Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Deeplyregret, I was a cheater just like you and used all the same rationales to avoid facing up to my responsibilities. In the end , for my own self-esteem, I told my ex-wife the WHOLE truth. My marriage ended, but when I look in the mirror, I see an honest man. I implore you to be honest with your husband. Maybe your marriage will fail, maybe not, but it will have a better chance with TWO honest people in it.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 One of the best pieces of advice someone gave to me was to write out what I wanted to say to my husband. Then start the conversation by telling him that i had something to tell him that he would not like and would not be comfortable about, but that I would appreciate it if he would let me finish reading the entire letter before responding. It worked for me. It worked for you because you didn't tell your husband the complete truth. It worked for you because you downplayed what you did and left out the fact that you had oral sex with your boss.
Spark1111 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I so agree that withholding the truth from the BS is another attempt to protect the WS from having to face the emotional fallout of their actions. Without truth, emotional intimacy cannot be reestablished in the marital relationship if BOTH partners choose to work on staying. Because what do you truly have? Polite conversations around the big, pink elephant in the room? Is that anyone's idea of a great relationship? As a BS, I never chose the affair for my spouse. Hell, I did not even know about it! How can I commit wholeheartedly to reconciliation, if once again, the WS chooses what information he/she will reveal to me, or whitewash, or omit in the telling of the affair. You know what? Both actions, the initiating of a secret affair and the decision not to disclose all about it, are equally disrespectful, self-centered, and self-serving. Do we see a pattern here cheaters? You have already hurt me in the worst way imaginable, so do not try to spare my feelings now. It is condescending. Man up and tell the truth, the whole truth. That is what grown ups do when they want to rectify a wrong. And you cannot control whether I stay or go, but at least there is some truth between us and for that you'd earn MORE, not LESS of my respect.
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