deeplyregret Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I have been married for 25 years, my husband is a wonderful man, he loves me and treats me well, but he very involved with work and was not able to give me the attention I want. Five years ago, I developed an online relationship with a man, he's divorced. We chat online everyday for about half year, then we started to talk on the phone, we talked everyday, sometime even for few hours. We really enjoyed talking to each other, we laughed and we shared and talked just about anything. By the end a year, we fell in love. We were secretly together for the last five years. None of my friends or family knew about this affair, and I kept this secret well from my husband. Sometimes he would come to visit me and I would go visit him. During these 5 years, I've tried to end the affair two times, because I feel really guilty and I'm very disguested about myself for being so unfaithful to my husband, but each time I fell back into him again, and our love for each other grew stronger and deeper. I know I'm really in love with him, and he's deeply in love with me too. About 3 months ago, I finally come to my senses and ended the relationship with him. We stopped all contact, but I have been very depressed becasue I miss him terribly. I still feel we are soul-mates, and I can't stop thinking about him even after 3 months of n/c. my question is, did I make the right decision to break up with my lover ? I want to end the relationship before I got busted. 2nd question, is it possible to love my husband as much as I love him before I met my lover ? Sometimes I think I never loved my husband as much as I love my lover 3rd question, how can I stop being so addicted and how can I find willpower to stop thinking about him ? I feel so helpless and depressed.
lkjh Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Let me get this straight..... your husband works to much so that gives you permission to have a five year long affair that your H has to finance? To answer your question yes you did the right thing breaking up with the other man. You need to come clean with your H because after 25 years of him being your H he deserves the truth. Yes it is more than possible to fall back in love with your H but it will take sacrifice on your behalf. You need to be honest with him. There can not be a insanely large secret between you two. Just think back to when you two were dating, Im sure at least once you two had to share painful things with each other. The third answer is simple you need to reconnect with your H and let him know about everything. Your husband has the right to decide whether or not he wants to be with you. If you are one of those people that do not believe that your SO has the right to know what is going on in there life......... then just divorce your H and find someone you can truly be honest with and uphold your vows this time. I know this all sounds hard but just think about where you are at. There is no simple way out of this. If after 25 years you really don't respect your H then just leave him. So far it seems you do not. Do the right thing and come clean. Good luck
stampdaddy Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 My advice to you is to put on a flak jacket and helmet, because you are about to get shelled.. What you are REALLY looking for is someone to tell you to go search out your lover, to continue your love affair, because in reality, that is where you WANT to be.. BUT, you stay with your husband, the provider, because that is all you know.. Be prepared for the wrath that is coming your way.. ***on a side note, your husband, as we ALL do, deserves the TRUTH*** another story, for another day.... (by the way, I want you to pretend I sound like Dr Lecter...) Fly Fly
lkjh Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Stamp, that sounds like you want to believe. That the wife really want to run away with the OM.
stampdaddy Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Stamp, that sounds like you want to believe. That the wife really want to run away with the OM. Oh, NO, NO, NO.. I am good at separating... Just calling it like I see it..
Author deeplyregret Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I know H has the right to know the truth, but I just dont have the guts to tell him. I rather keep that as a secret and bring it to the grave with me. If I told him the truth, our marriage is going to be finished and I don't want that. That's why I chose to end the affair, and I truly regret that I've cheated on my H. But in the other hand, I'm trying very hard to get over the relationship with my ex lover. It's so painful and I would rather deal with death than breakup.....
lkjh Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I know H has the right to know the truth, but I just dont have the guts to tell him. I rather keep that as a secret and bring it to the grave with me. If I told him the truth, our marriage is going to be finished and I don't want that. That's why I chose to end the affair, and I truly regret that I've cheated on my H. But in the other hand, I'm trying very hard to get over the relationship with my ex lover. It's so painful and I would rather deal with death than breakup..... If after 25 years you really could careless about your H and you do not feel he has the right to know something like this; then you should just leave. This is not something you keep to yourself if you plan on staying married. You know he has the right to know, the only reason you don't is because you are to fearful to live up to your responsibility. You know what you have to do so do it. If you need to write it down and then give it to him, but tell him. Do not make a fool out of him. That is just cruel beyond words. Just think for 1/5 which is 25% of your marriage you have been cheating. At least treat him like a human now, not someone who in your eyes is less than you.
lkjh Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Live has a funny way of catching up with you and things tend to come out!
Reggie Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I don't know that I can add anything new. But, I am not sure you are sincere about wanting advice. Rather, it seems you have made your decison and are simply looking for an endorsement, what you want to hear. about your decision. For what it is worth(and I do not expect you to listen) , I think you should tell your husband and let the chips fall where they may. You, clearly, are not in love with your husband. You seem to have a very highly developed sense of entitlement in that you do not feel yur husband deserves someone in his life like you have had all these years in yours. You cannot hold your husband in very high regard if you feel he is inferior to you and that his life is not as worthy of true love as is yours. I do not think you can fall in lve with your husband again with this secret festering within you. And, I would be very surprised if he would stay in love with you if he knew about all the years of cheating that he subsidized unknowingly. So, it is a bit of a catch 22. If you are unwilling to tell him about the affair, perhaps the next best thing would be to seek a divorce without telling him. He will be hurt, mostlikely and confused. You can come up with some vague reason ike " we do not connect" ,something amorphous and unexplainable like that. Then, when he reflects back on the divorce, he can at least comfort himself with thoughts that he married a very emotionally unevolved woman(as you allusion to a "soulmate" would seem to substantiate.) Divorce wil free him up to pursue his own happiness, perhaps in the form of a more suitable, well matched partner. Maybe on his own. This way, you can stay with your "soulmate" and he can look for happiness on his own. Good luck.
imagine Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Hi Deeplyregret, You are now going through the recovery part of this affair. You will be crappy. There is lots of things that will steer you back to this guy. That is why BS needs to know. He may not be immediatelywilling to take you back but imagine he here's it from another source.
jwi71 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I know I'm really in love with him, and he's deeply in love with me too. So why stay married to your H? If you love your OM and he loves you - leave your current H and go be happy. Why live your only life shackled to a man you neither love nor respect? File for D and then build a new life in teh open with your lover? Why deny yourself? Furthermore, why deny your H the chance at a woman who will love and remain loyal to him? About 3 months ago, I finally come to my senses and ended the relationship with him. Huh? If you love the OM and he loves you - why not file for divorce and live your only life in happiness with your OM? What I see is a woman who no longer loves or respects her H choosing to continue living with him. How is that coming to your senses? It seems to me anyway that you would come to your senses, divorce your H and marry the OM? Why not do that? my question is, did I make the right decision to break up with my lover ? I want to end the relationship before I got busted. No. You care for your H, no doubt. But you don't love him. And that's ok. So file for D and go to be with the OM. 2nd question, is it possible to love my husband as much as I love him before I met my lover ? Sometimes I think I never loved my husband as much as I love my loverNo. Its impossible for a spouse to compete with a lover. 3rd question, how can I stop being so addicted and how can I find willpower to stop thinking about him ? I feel so helpless and depressed.One last time - leave your H and go be happy. Instead of stolen special moments with your lover, spend your every moment with him for the rest of your life. Its ok to file for D. Its ok to not love your H anymore. Choose happiness OP. You will be happy, your OM will be happy and, in time, your H will again be happy. No one loses. Its the rare case where everyone wins. You win, the lover wins and your H wins too. My vote is to leave your H and start a new life with the OM.
Reggie Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 That's decent advise, with the caveat that you should be prepared to see your lover differently after a while. I know this does not happen everytime. But, it seems there is a fairly common pattern of the affair life being much differen than that of a relationship that is open and routine. I've seen this happen twice, to both my former wives. Each of their relationships with their affair partner did not last very long. And, these guys really rocked their worlds when the affair was going on in secret. They were ga-ga over these men. So, have realistic expectations. But, your H does deserve to know so he can choose his path.
confusedinkansas Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Why does it always come down to "coming clean?" Most people that have affairs (especially long term ones) are very good at lying. I'm not saying it's right, wrong or indifferent....But IF you can get over the affair, why rock the boat? I had an EA - off & on for 3 years. (couldn't get over him so kept going back) And ONLY when I left my husband (not for the other man) did I realize the affair was one of the stupidest things I had done. I pined away for this other man while my husband & i were separated. After 9 months of soul searching, seeing the OM off & on did I realize that he is NOT for me....for many many reasons!! It is possible to get over them, I just think you have to come to a "breaking point" .......... I don't recommend telling your husband, but then again....my husband found out about mine. He didn't care!!
Dexter Morgan Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I know I'm really in love with him, and he's deeply in love with me too. About 3 months ago, I finally come to my senses and ended the relationship with him. We stopped all contact, but I have been very depressed becasue I miss him terribly. I still feel we are soul-mates, and I can't stop thinking about him even after 3 months of n/c. my question is, did I make the right decision to break up with my lover ? No, you didn't make the right decision. The right decision would have been to do right by your husband and set him free. Now he is still married to someone that isn't true to him. And whether he knows it or not, it isn't fair to him. If you feel this other guy is your soul-mate, and you love him, then you'll divorce your husband and set him free.
Reggie Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 " Coming clean" gives the BS the information he or she needs to decide whether to stay with the cheater. Clearly, any person is entitled to know about a spouse's infidelity so as to make a reasoned decison. But, with the sense of entitlement seen in most cheaters, consideration of another's right to this information is not a big priority.
Reggie Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Why does it always come down to "coming clean?" Most people that have affairs (especially long term ones) are very good at lying. I'm not saying it's right, wrong or indifferent....But IF you can get over the affair, why rock the boat? I had an EA - off & on for 3 years. (couldn't get over him so kept going back) And ONLY when I left my husband (not for the other man) did I realize the affair was one of the stupidest things I had done. I pined away for this other man while my husband & i were separated. After 9 months of soul searching, seeing the OM off & on did I realize that he is NOT for me....for many many reasons!! It is possible to get over them, I just think you have to come to a "breaking point" .......... I don't recommend telling your husband, but then again....my husband found out about mine. He didn't care!! Maybe he cared and did not disclose it. If he really did not care, he must not value you that much, IMO.
NoIDidn't Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Why does it always come down to "coming clean?" Most people that have affairs (especially long term ones) are very good at lying. I'm not saying it's right, wrong or indifferent....But IF you can get over the affair, why rock the boat? I had an EA - off & on for 3 years. (couldn't get over him so kept going back) And ONLY when I left my husband (not for the other man) did I realize the affair was one of the stupidest things I had done. I pined away for this other man while my husband & i were separated. After 9 months of soul searching, seeing the OM off & on did I realize that he is NOT for me....for many many reasons!! It is possible to get over them, I just think you have to come to a "breaking point" .......... I don't recommend telling your husband, but then again....my husband found out about mine. He didn't care!! I'm with you. The OP came asking if dumping the OM was the best choice, not for if she should tell her H. Telling, not telling. Irrelevant to me. You can't know everything. And, as in your case, I don't think if her H knew it would make much difference. If he's "working" as much as she says, he might be having his own affair (as it IS common for workaholic men to cheat). Now if she's rewriting marital history to justify the affair, that's different. I say go through the withdrawal of ending the affair and "love the one you're with". Not trying to be funny. I'm serious.
Ramrod Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Maybe he cared and did not disclose it. If he really did not care, he must not value you that much, IMO. He may have stopped caring about their relationship round about the time she started having her EA, and by the time she diclosed her affair he may have felt indifferent. I know I would have myself.
2sunny Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 if you are unwilling to be honest with the ONE person you are supposed to love in life - then there is no advice to help you with - except... expect to be uncomfortable... that feeling is designed so that you understand that something is terribly wrong and it needs attention and to be fixed. if all the time, energy and attention is still going towards the OM - then you are technically still cheating. really not fair to stay married when you are short changing your husband. you won't even consider giving him the decency of knowing the truth so he understands that some action needs to be taken. hmmmmm yep, still selfish.
lkjh Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Coming clean is a part of making your marriage work. It is a part of keeping it honest and actually changing your current course of action. Confusedinkansas, You cheated, separated, and your H found out. At that point he didn't care because honestly why should he? Do you really think your way which included lying and cheating was the right road to take? If you could do it over again would you change anything?
mandydarling Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I told my husband about my affair. It was hard, and it took me a while to get to the point that I was willing to tell him. I had already broken off the affair, so I reasoned with myself that I was actually being selfish if I told him. That I would only be telling him to make myself feel better about the betrayal, and in the process make him feel worse. But the very uncomfortable truth is that my husband deserved to know. He deserved to make the decision about how to deal with the situation and how to begin recovery of our marriage. You are in a fog right now. During the affair I am sure that you reasoned that it really had nothing to do with your marriage, but because of your guilt, I am also sure that you have realized that was wrong. This will eat away at you until you tell him. This is not about coming clean -- it is about removing the huge obstacle that will keep you from falling in love with your husband again. This may seem like a silly example, but bear with me. I used to have a dog that loved to get into mischief while I was gone. I would always know when he had done something wrong because he would slowly army crawl to the door when I came home, then lay down and bury his head in front of me -- practically grovelling for forgiveness. If I walked away without scolding him or forgiving him, he would just continue to crawl after me until our conflict was resolved. Affairs are much the same way. Until you get punished or receive forgiveness, you will continue to crawl around, punishing yourself about your actions. You cannot form a relationship with anyone while you are grovelling in your guilt. One of the best pieces of advice someone gave to me was to write out what I wanted to say to my husband. Then start the conversation by telling him that i had something to tell him that he would not like and would not be comfortable about, but that I would appreciate it if he would let me finish reading the entire letter before responding. It worked for me. I cannot stress to you enough that telling your husband is not for him -- do it for yourself. You deserve to have an honest relationship.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Very insightful mandy. I am proud of you.
seibert253 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Glad to see you're doing well Mandy. By the way, your advise is dead on. Whether or not you choose to stay with you husband is up to you and him, not us. In any case, out of respect for him, HE DESERVES TO KNOW THE TRUTH.
KismetGirl Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 About 3 months ago, I finally come to my senses and ended the relationship with him. We stopped all contact, but I have been very depressed becasue I miss him terribly. I still feel we are soul-mates, and I can't stop thinking about him even after 3 months of n/c. my question is, did I make the right decision to break up with my lover ? I want to end the relationship before I got busted. 2nd question, is it possible to love my husband as much as I love him before I met my lover ? Sometimes I think I never loved my husband as much as I love my lover 3rd question, how can I stop being so addicted and how can I find willpower to stop thinking about him ? I feel so helpless and depressed. I agree with Stampdaddy....I think yo might be looking for some validation of your feelings for your OM, and not your H. I mean, you said you DON'T want a divorce, so question 1 posed above is a moot one then, right? I assume if you want to stay married, then yeah, breaking up your affair was the right thing to do. There's only so long you can keep up the double life before it drives you crazy.... Second question.....your H and your lover are two different people. You cannot love them the same way any more than you can love eating filet mignon and a mcdonald's cheeseburger the same way. Each one is different in their own way. Maybe you love your husband, but aren't IN love with your husband. Maybe your lover just gave you some respite from an otherwise dull life. Maybe you felt ignored by your H always being on the road and you fell in love with someone who gave you attention. Does it even matter ? If you've really decided to stay with your husband, you can't force yourself to love someone a "certain" way. You don't say what your husband does for a living, but perhaps you shoudl express to him how you feel when he is away so often. maybe there's something he can do to improve on the amount and/or quality of time you spend together. Not that you should stay with someone you don't love, but 25 years is a long time to invest in someone without at least tryng to address what the problem is with them. And therein lies the problem....have you even talked to your husband about what bothers you? Personally I think you got bored, and were feeling ignored. Not to say you don't care about your lover....five years is also a long time and enough time to fall for someone, for sure. but again...you said youve made the decision to stay in your marriage. Spinning your head with questions on whether you can love your husband in the same exciting way you think your lover makes you feel is irrelevant if youv'e already made the steadfast decision that you ain't gettin a divorce, lady. the third question, however, is more relevant....as everyone says around here, and has said to me many times about my own affair....the only way to really stop obsessing over someone, eventually, is to just stop all communication. No emails, no calls, no texts, no staring at old pictures, no facebooking them so you can see photos they put up: nada. Out of sight....eventually, mostly, out of mind. You'll probably never forget him of course, i mean, a memory is a memory, but the longer you stay away from him the better you'll forget about him. HOWEVER, take this last thing with another though though, in that the root of the problem remains: what's lacking in your marriage that made you want to start the affair in the first place? If you don't address that, with your husband, then it won't matter if you never speak to lover-boy again. You'll continue to be unhappy, and maybe even find a new person to have an affair with. Fix the marriage if that's what you want, but sitting around hoping it will fix itself will most certainly lead no where love. Good luck....
KismetGirl Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 PS- honesty always sounds like the best policy and its alot easier to live a life with someone happliy if there aren't secrets between you two....but I personally think this is a little tricky. By the way, have you two got any kids? and if so, how old are they? You might have said this already, but I admit I only read some of the posts.... We don't know your husband as well as well as you of course. If you tell him teh truth, he may forgive you, or he may be so distraught that your marriage is never the same again. I dunno....it's tricky. In some cases I really think people are better off not knowing if you intend to never do this again and make the effort to work only on your marriage. I almost feel like telling spouses about affairs works more to alleviate your own guilt than to "do the right thing".....in a way, Im not sure I could ever trust someone again if they cheated on me. A relationship without trust....well....personally I think it's impossible to maintain. From then on out, everytime you go out with a friend, come home late from work, are stuck in traffic, get a phone call from a male co worker, your spouse will be driving themselves crazy wondering if you're doing it again. Then again, some people can forgive and trust again. Personally I don't think a five year affair can be forgotten. I dont think true trust would ever be there again. A one time, one night stand, maybe.....but five years? Coming from someone who has been an OW for four years Im sure it sounds hippocritical....but if someone cheated on my for five years I'd never trust them again. Like I said....everytime he came home late from work, had a female co worker, I'd be paranoid he was doing it again. Tough call....but that one is ultimately up to you, I guess.
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