MissDee Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Hi. I'm new here and looking for advice. Early in my relationship with my boyfriend I had a lot of trust issues with him. I was convinced that he was cheating/fooling around with someone else. Because of this I was on him constantly by always texting, IMing, and wanting to know where he is at all times. About 6-8 months later I finally kicked the habit and eased out of my clingy behavior. However, ever since I've kicked my habit, I've been having some serious doubts. Earlier in our relationship there were a lot of things that really didn't bother me but now do. There are a few contributing factors, like the fact that he doesn't work and his mother pays for everything (he's 21 and a college student but still - not even a summer job). Or the fact that he's absolutely obsessed with porn and masturbating. Also the fact that he's obsessed with working out - like not wanting a job because it might disrupt his "gym time" or deciding not to visit me for an entire summer because he wanted to go to the gym. And, most notably, how he hides his computer from me and even closes the screen when I get anywhere near his computer while he's using it. Oh, and how he demands that he has access to all my online accounts (email, facebook, photobucket, AIM, etc.) and up-right refuses for me to have access to his accounts. OH, and another thing, how I found pictures on his cell phone of a girl in a skirt. The creepy part about this is that he didn't know her and she was completely unaware that he was taking pictures of her - he simply just decided to take pictures of her legs while she was sitting next to him in a library. UM, creepy much? Recently I've been realizing that there's a pattern in his behavior and have come to the conclusion that he is a horny, selfish, jealous, and controlling hypocrite. This statement might be a bit exaggerated but right now I really believe that is a proper description of him. I thought to myself that maybe I'm being too uptight about the way he is, that I'm letting the little things get to me. However, I now think that this isn't the case at all. Back when I was uptight and clingy I was willing to comply with his behavior. But now, as I'm being more passive and trusting about our relationship, I'm realizing that his behavior bothers the hell out of me. I've talked to him about his behavior before, repeatedly too, and nothing has happened. In fact, he believes that there is nothing wrong with his behavior and that I am being too "up tight" about it. We've had numerous fights about it and I feel that bringing this up again is just me beating a dead horse. He simply will not change his ways. Even after I found the pics of some random girl in a skirt on his cell phone and threatened to leave him he swore he would calm down; however, I have yet to see any progress. I'm now to the point where I really don't care about what he does anymore. He could be fooling around with another girl for all I care and I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth. Currently we are both in college located in two different states and I probably won't see him until March or April. A year ago I use to tremble with the idea of being apart from him for so long but now I really don't mind and/or care when I see him next. The only way we contact each other when we're apart is through IM and text messaging since he "hates talking on the phone". I rarely text him when I'm out and only respond to when he IM's me. I've simply stopped caring. However, as weird as this may sound, I do love him. I'm just confused with what to do and I'm also fed up with his bad behavior. I've talked, screamed, cried, fought, and threatened to leave him and his behavior still hasn't budged. Worst of all, my passiveness is growing more and more each day. I'm not sure how to approach this anymore. Any advice, please? Am I wrong for being fed up with his attitude and behavior? Is he a total dick and I'm finally realizing it 2 years after I first started dating him? I'm sorry this is long but there's no real way to sum this up without missing a major detail. Thanks in advance for the help!
neowulf Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Hi, This... I'm now to the point where I really don't care about what he does anymore. He could be fooling around with another girl for all I care and I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth. Then this... However, as weird as this may sound, I do love him. I'm just confused with what to do and I'm also fed up with his bad behavior. I've talked, screamed, cried, fought, and threatened to leave him and his behavior still hasn't budged. Worst of all, my passiveness is growing more and more each day. I'm not sure how to approach this anymore. Give me the impression that you don't really love him. It's clear from your post that he's done a variety of things that you simply can't respect. What you're feeling is "attachment" or "habit". It's normal to become attached to something that's been a part of your life for so long. Simply put, you already know what you need to do. You need to end things. It's the fear and doubt that are keeping you in what amounts to a pretty empty relationship. If you have needs that aren't being met by this guy and he's unwilling to meet them, or at least discuss the issues, it's time to move on. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste another second on a relationship that you already know in your heart is a dead end. I wish you luck.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 You may still love (care about) him, but it sounds to me like you are very much falling out of love with him. I still loved my x the day I filed for divorce. But I still knew I was making the right choice. Sometimes it's just time to let it go - when neither of you is growing in the relationship and at times it even feels toxic to you. It's time to let go. I know it's a scary first step, but BELIEVE me, the feeling of relief will come quicker than you realize.
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