So what are the chances this would work?

[whichwayisup]

Maybe I should just ask him wtf he is doing. I wonder what he'd say. He'd say something like "I like being with you, and I care about you, and the sex is great, but Im not ready to give up my family."

 

Kis, why should he say that when his actions SHOW that's exactly what he's doing.

 

You are the OW and to him, it's an affair.

 

I doubt he has put as much thought into this as you have. He isn't sitting and thinking, analzying this and that. To him, it is what it is.

[jwi71]

Very simple question KG.

 

What has changed or progressed in your R with him since this began all those years ago?

[jasminetea]

Can I ask something? What do you want from this forum, KG? Honestly.

[NoIDidn't]

..as Chris Rock said "Men are only as faithful as their options. We might not go after it, but if it chases us, we just can't run that fast."

 

You said it yourself. You are his "option". Is that what you want to be? I don't think so. There's a quote I've read somewhere that goes something like this: don't be an option when you can be a priority. I gave a rough paraphrase, but you get the gist. His M is his priority. And by M, I do mean his W and kids: his family and all that comes with it.

 

Yes, I think I'm better looking than his wife, and Im pretty sure he's much more attracted to me than her, but I don't think he wants to have more sex with her because it's HER.

 

I agree with jj33 that you are focused on the wrong thing here.

 

KG, you are having sex with a man that is married with very young kids. Men in this group tend to not get that much sex at home, a generalization I know, so are more tempted to get a fill in than at other times. The story you told about sex drive mismatches and how he agreed that his W was like that, sounded like he wished she wasn't.

 

Regarding looks: don't get hung up on that. My H had an EA with a model. Its often said that men "cheat down". So obviously that old nugget ain't always the case. My H told me her looks didn't matter as much as her ATTENTION. And admittedly, he didn't have my attention - other things did.

 

I'm saying the same thing over and over again. He likes the attention he gets from you, that he isn't getting from her. That is all I am really saying.

[SerenityX2]

 

KG, you are having sex with a man that is married with very young kids. Men in this group tend to not get that much sex at home, a generalization I know, so are more tempted to get a fill in than at other times. The story you told about sex drive mismatches and how he agreed that his W was like that, sounded like he wished she wasn't.

 

Regarding looks: don't get hung up on that. My H had an EA with a model. Its often said that men "cheat down". So obviously that old nugget ain't always the case. My H told me her looks didn't matter as much as her ATTENTION. And admittedly, he didn't have my attention - other things did.

 

I'm saying the same thing over and over again. He likes the attention he gets from you, that he isn't getting from her. That is all I am really saying.[/quote]

 

That's it entirely and that's what you utterly deny and refuse to see.

 

Ask yourself WHY you keep insisting that he isn't ready to leave when it's pretty clear to the rest of us he doesn't want to leave.

 

There's a huge difference between those 2 viewpoints and that's where you keep getting stuck.

 

When you mentioned that he was horrified about the mutual friend divorcing...that's not a guy that ever wants to contemplate divorce by the sounds of it. That's why he feels guilty because he knows deep down that he has no desire to leave. You even said he'll say that he knows you deserve better, somebody to treat you right. He's telling you, but you don't want to listen.

 

You do seem to want to feel superior in the looks and sex department with her, otherwise you wouldn't keep bringing it up, it's EXACTLY what JJ said...you'd just know you had that about yourself, wouldn't have to keep saying it, it is about the ego stroke and attention for him.

[jj33]

KG even this as a belief about the relationship would be closer to reality

 

You met him too late. If youd met him when he was single, you two might have had a shot at something great.

 

But he is already married and committed to staying in his marriage.

 

So right now, what you are doing is sharing him on a very limited basis with his wife and kids.

 

You dont even have to go to and someday... just this is how it is today. Maybe that will make it easier for now.

 

Thats a lot different than hes stuck in a sibling type marriage, Im prettier I am smarter, we have more fun hanging out... etc etc. I know why you do it. You are counting up the reasons why he should choose you. And all you have are the externals. And the fact that you have great sex together when by all accounts all they dont. But those are YOUR reasons why he should choose you. They are not his.

[2sunny]

and a lot of men don't marry thinking things will always be perfect... they are happy with the thought that someone is home with them and cooks and cleans and has sex with them.

 

mainly they don't want to be alone.

 

most women tend to want other things from the marriage.

 

most men also don't notice women's looks with a critical eye the way women assess each other or themselves.

 

if you are working at a justification that you are prettier than her or better for sex - you lose every time... he's still married to her isn't he?

 

doesn't really matter why he's still married to her - the bottom line is - he's still there.

 

question is - why are you willing to continue to be his piece on the side that plays second fiddle?

[InvisibleGirl]

Every day you waste on this guy is another day of your life you're never going to get back. You are giving him wayyyyyyyyyy too much credit that he would never lie to you. I thought the same thing too like so many OW think and I got my wake up call big time and you need to start taking the advice of people here that have been through this that are trying to help you get your life back. He has not left for four years, he is not leaving now, he is not leaving EVER he is not even thinking about it. He probably goes home and you don't even enter his mind at all. Why do you think he holds you in any higher regard than the woman he married who he doesnt mind lying to about you? He will let this go on only as long as you let it and every day you let it go on it will get harder and harder for you to walk away.

 

I wish I had listened to people when they gave me this type of advice initally and trust me if you keep on the road youre going on you will be looking back and thinking you should have listened too. He's already proven he is a very cabable liar and you are not special, he is lying to you too. Just because a man says or tries to act like he is feeling guilty at home, does not mean that its what he really feels. This man knows what to say to make it look like he's a good guy to try to manipulate your emotions and behaviors.

 

Hopefully you will come to the realization that its a road to nowhere soon and makes some steps in the right direction.

[Billie63]

I wish I had listened to people when they gave me this type of advice initally

 

But you didn't listen. And Kismet will not listen, well she will, but Kismet you won't act on it. YOu will see this awful situation through until its ultimate end - as I've said before, when you both get found out and he throws you under the bus.

 

There is nothing ahead of you but that. You can no more end this liaison than you can stop breathing. And so, you will go on with this ... I can't even call it an affair, it's so much more seedy than that ... although I do believe he genuinely cares for you - but he, with your collusion has reduced it to a booty call.

 

I have known many married men who have taken tremendous risks for the ow, whether out of infatuation or genuine love, almost like they wanted to get found out. But your MM Kismet, takes no real risk, you live a few blocks from his work so he comes to see you in work time - no risky sneaking out at the weekend for him is there?

 

As Jasminetea asks, what do you want from this forum? Answers? Or do you want to vent because there's no one else you can confide in?

[Chocolat]

Ah yes....well, you know, tis easier to dole out advice than to take it. Not much of an excuse maybe, but it is a reason....and anyway, that other poster has a mildly different situation than me....alas

 

Well, yeah... I know. But the point is, you know, too. That's why you wrote what you did in that thread. I think you should work on looking at your own situation with the same objectivity you showed there.

[KismetGirl]

Kis, why should he say that when his actions SHOW that's exactly what he's doing.

 

You are the OW and to him, it's an affair.

 

I doubt he has put as much thought into this as you have. He isn't sitting and thinking, analzying this and that. To him, it is what it is.

 

Well....to be honest I wouldn't expect him to think about it exactly the same as me. Im a woman, which by definition makes me mildly crazy and overanalytical (no offense to my gender. Power to the vagina, and all that jazz). MM, as with pretty much every guy friend or boyfriend I've ever had, take things more "it is what it is". They dont obsess the same way as women do. They just take it for what it is and enjoy what they can.

 

But I do know he thinks about it, trust me. he's been emailing alot, usually before bed, when I assume the W is asleep and the kids have been put to sleep, and he can sneak off to the computer, and I won't copy and paste his emails but it's evident this situation is often on his mind. He has more distractions at home than I do, of course. I live alone, and when he goes home he's running around after three kids, but he writes me nearly every day so I know he does think of me. I never expected him to obsess the way I do....that would be rather girly of him. It was never one of my favourite attributes of my gender :::cringe::: Men don't analyze every single thing. I envy them that sometimes lol. I'd probably be a little saner if I stopped overanalzying huh? Not just in this situation, but any relationship , really.

 

Anyway its easier for me to be cynical about it. Defense mechanism, again.

[KismetGirl]

I'm learning from the best (you).

 

I was the OW to my ex until I heard he was getting married. He did the guilt punishment thing to the hilt. And I was much like KG in that relationship. He made me feel like a Sex Goddess. And then would say "we have to stop this, what about XXXX. I owe her". Or would disappear for a couple of days so that he could give her some attention or redirect her suspicion.

 

Its such an ugly cycle. I can't say that I regret going through it, though. Its what you have to do to learn how to get off the roller coaster. KG is far more emotionally involved than I was, though, but I still have confidence that she will get out while she still has time.

 

See, everyone has to get to some breaking point. I don't know how emotionally involved you were, but I've reached this ridiculous level where I've never felt this way about anyone before in my life. I want to know my breaking point, I wish i could pin point it. I know I'll get out of it eventually....it can't stay like this forever. I'm not going to sit and wait for him, because i mean....what am I waiting for anyway? I don't even know what Im doing with my own life. Taking tests, trying for med school, in this very in between time of my life when I've no idea what my future holds. Everything in my life is so crazy, and it's like....when things are good with MM, they're good, and when they're bad, they're so bad.....but those good times are some serene peace that I have trouble finding lately, which is why I love those moments with him so much....not just the sex, just that serene happiness that makes me feel WHEN we're together and its going well. Today I picked up my nine year old sister from school, and I ran with her in the snow and we fell in the snow and it was cold and fluffy and I felt happy for a minute. Those moments are rare for me lately. But I cant chill out with a nine year old all day now can I! Children are great though arent they *sigh* they can be perfectly happy falling in piles of big fluffy snow. I wish I could feel like that all the time. Like falling and laughing into a big, fluffy pile of snow at sunset.

 

Speaking of MM's emails, here I just got one now....to tell me he misses me. and he wishes he could fall asleep next to me. Wow. He's never said that to me before. he says stuff like this more often lately....don't know what's changed. It's not like I've given any indication I need to hear sweet talk or else I won't do him anymore. *sigh* crap like this really doesn't make it easier for me to go away :love: damn.

[KismetGirl]

Very simple question KG.

 

What has changed or progressed in your R with him since this began all those years ago?

 

Actually, it's hard to say. It's not the same as it was when it started, he doesn't act exactly the same. He's become more comfortable with me, for sure. In the beginning he seemed like an excited little kid that's found a new toy, but that he didn't know what to do with it.

 

Lately he seems more confused about what he's doing with himself. Like he wants to stay on this track of life he set for himself but somehow I'm derailing him. But I mean, of course I'm not doing it....I don't put a gun to his head....i don't have magical powers of coercion....its like he's afraid to lose everything he's built for himself but he still can't stay away. Little by little he gets more...emotional towards me. Very, very , very slowly, baby steps, as I said before, he can be emotionally retarded as to actually expressing himself, but every so often he comes out with a line that surprises me. Just to say he misses me....he was never able to even say that before. I haven't changed in how I act towards him for the most part...so Im not sure whats going on in his head completely. Wish I knew, I guess. But I have to wonder , for all that time I wasn't having sex with him, why he bothered, right? Granted, we've been sleeping together the last year or so, but the three years prior to that it was this same cycle of emotional tumult, but not really any physical activity attached. I'm not sure you risk losing your marriage just so you can sneak off to make out with your co worker. It wasn't about sex then, so what was the reason then? Questions like these bother me. Images of how it all started bother me. The first night we kissed, how happy he used to look just hugging me. He's come over so many times and stood there like a nervous school boy, hands in pockets, staring at me like he's trying to prove he can just be with me without sex, and sometimes I'll let him just stand there, and sometimes I'll just jump him, but he'd be happy just laying there with me I think. Hell, that's all we really used to do in the beginning anyway. Sometime's we'd sneak out of work in the company car, park somewhere , kiss in the backseat and just hug and hold hands and talk. Things started getting more complicated as time went, of course. His wife got pregnant with their second child very soon after I met him, and pregnant with the third in the 9 month period that me and him weren't speaking. They also moved away to nearly a two hour drive away from me. When he lived five minutes away from me he WOULD sneak out to see me, just to kiss and watch the sunset and talk. Now that he lives nearly two hours away from me, it really isn't very feasible to say he's going out to the store or something, now is it, and to come see me which is why I don't see him on weekends anymore. He sees me on weekdays because he works near where I live. Things change. It used to be easier to explain why he was gone for an hour or less. To be gone for 5 or 6 hours on a weekend is somewhat more difficult to explain, thus why I never see him weekends anymore....

[KismetGirl]

Can I ask something? What do you want from this forum, KG? Honestly.

 

i dont know. what do most people come here for? Out of frustration. It's not that most people that come here don't know what their options are....they just want people to bounce ideas off of, to get support no matter how stubborn they are being, to get unbiased (hopefully) anonymous opinions from people that might have at one point been in similiar situations. I guess that's all one can hope or ask for on a board like this, right?

 

Im sorry if Ive seemed stubborn and like people are banging their heads against a wall talking to me. I don't intend to annoy anyone. It's not like I hide my situation from my friends or family. Most people I know and care about are aware of me and MM to some extent....I dont get into detail like I do here, usually, but they're aware of it and how much I care about him. I think friends and family can occaionally be biased. Maybe they aren't. But its nice to have opinions flowing from all sides.

 

I dont come just to vent and I truly feel sorry if Ive annoyed anyone but I guess they dont have to keep reading if they're that fed up with me. I can't remember how long ago I started posting here, but I don't think its been even a year yet....to think I can magically forget about four years of my life that has nearly revolved around this man no matter how much its banged into me so quickly, just doesnt seem feasible. I wish it were, I might have been a little less crazy now I'll get over it eventually. I'll keep posting and I'll talk to myself if I have to, I guess, but it's nice to have arguments and banter with people. Even if I seem like Im just trying to rationalize my own actions or defend myself or MM, its all just a thought process. Day by day I'll hear something here and there that makes me think more about it, trust me. Just still trying to get my head around everything, I guess.

 

Sorry, hope that answered your question. I ramble too much sometimes. Bah.

[KismetGirl]

KG even this as a belief about the relationship would be closer to reality

 

You met him too late. If youd met him when he was single, you two might have had a shot at something great.

 

But he is already married and committed to staying in his marriage.

 

So right now, what you are doing is sharing him on a very limited basis with his wife and kids.

 

You dont even have to go to and someday... just this is how it is today. Maybe that will make it easier for now.

 

Thats a lot different than hes stuck in a sibling type marriage, Im prettier I am smarter, we have more fun hanging out... etc etc. I know why you do it. You are counting up the reasons why he should choose you. And all you have are the externals. And the fact that you have great sex together when by all accounts all they dont. But those are YOUR reasons why he should choose you. They are not his.

 

But that's pretty natural, don't you think? For someone in my position to compare herself with the woman who has what she wants? Well, sort of. Ironically I'd be horrified to find out my husband was cheating on me for four years but I guess what you don't know can't technically hurt you. Who knows, maybe his wife is cheating on him, too. One never knows, I suppose.

 

Yeah, whatever, it makes me feel just a little bit better to know that he thinks I'm gorgeous and that she's plain. Or that he tells me I'm brilliant. Or that I make him laugh. Or that I make him feel sexually appealing and vice versa. At the end of the day does it matter what I think to make myself feel better? I've never given any indication that I really think he'll leave her....maybe Im pathetic. It's the only time or person or area of my life that I've ever acted this way. Ever. Ask anyone that knows me....KG, she's the strong, independent, responsible one! She doesn't take sh*t from anyone! *sigh* Apparently everyone has a weakness and lamentably I have found one of mine, and it comes in the form of a married man with three kids and a wife who I've fallen so hard for that I can't think clearly, rationally, or pull myself away from. To the point, apparently, where anonymous people on the internet have become so frustratd by my idiocy I get the feeling you'd all like to hit me on the head with a blunt object ;-) and i probably deserve it.

 

Maybe I need to stop thinking about long term, or next month even. Just take everything one day, one week at a time. I don't know what else to do. Thinking longterm (like, NC, which sounds so ominous and looming and....forever) is hard for me, it seems. maybe finding some way to get through this in shorter increments would work. Am i making any sense at all right now? Im running on two hours sleep. bad insomnia this week again.....pretty snow outside, though....

[KismetGirl]

But you didn't listen. And Kismet will not listen, well she will, but Kismet you won't act on it. YOu will see this awful situation through until its ultimate end - as I've said before, when you both get found out and he throws you under the bus.

 

There is nothing ahead of you but that. You can no more end this liaison than you can stop breathing. And so, you will go on with this ... I can't even call it an affair, it's so much more seedy than that ... although I do believe he genuinely cares for you - but he, with your collusion has reduced it to a booty call.

 

I have known many married men who have taken tremendous risks for the ow, whether out of infatuation or genuine love, almost like they wanted to get found out. But your MM Kismet, takes no real risk, you live a few blocks from his work so he comes to see you in work time - no risky sneaking out at the weekend for him is there?

 

As Jasminetea asks, what do you want from this forum? Answers? Or do you want to vent because there's no one else you can confide in?

 

Some things in this post come out at me. Sometimes I wonder if it seems reduced to a booty call because we both are using sex as a means of avoiding what looms over us more and more as the years go...namely, that I really think we've gotten quite emotionally attached to one another. Not to say he's madly in love with me, but it has progressed over the years.

 

He has taken risks, in his own stupid way. I do wonder what he says to convince his W why he needs to leave so very early on certain days when he generally doesnt have to stroll into work until at least two hours later. He always has to be on call at all times and easily reached, his schedule is readily available within the company every single day. She could easily call one office and find out he's not there. She could look at their cell phone bill and go through the numbers, however tedious. A plethora of other little things come to mind in ways he's done things to be possibly found out. Despite the fact that he becomes horrified every time he's almost gotten caught, there are certain things he's done that I've never understood, and maybe he hasn't thought about it but he isn't stupid....What has boggled my mind the most, and that always seemed to be almost some weird self-destructive thing though....was that some months ago, we sort of just stopped using condoms all the time. I wasn't sleeping with anyone else in over a year, was regularly tested and clean, and (stupidly or not, that is another argument) assumed he was also ok as I do believe he hasn't been with anyone but me and his wife in the last , what , amost ten years. I've been on birth control since I was 18 years old, but he never once asked me if I was on it or not. That was always strange to me....you'd think someone in his position wouldn't want to risk getting his OW pregnant, right? But in a weird way I wondered if he subconsciously thought that would make his decision in all this for him. If that's not some big stupid risk for someone to take, then I don't know what is....

 

Im sure Im going to get alot of "what an a-hole" comments about him due to that last bit....

As for not seeing me weekends and etc, as I said, he lives over two hours away from me. It's just not feasible to sneak out on weekends, which is why I only see him weekdays. Just makes more sense as I live near where he works. If he came here on a weekend it would be 4 hours just in travel time back and forth. Anyway, weekends are time spent with his children. I don't want him to substitute me for that time. That's for them. I have my own life on weekends. I may miss him then....but I understand how it is.

[awkward]

KG - How much of this analyzing of your MM is made up in your head and you guessing he feels this way and that way and how much of what you analyze is based on his words/actions. Would you say 50/50?

 

Why don't you just come out and ask him? Ask him how he feels about his wife. Ask him if his wife isn't interested in sex. Ask him how he feels about you. Ask him why he has sex with both you and his wife. Ask him what would happen if his wife found out. Although you may or may not get the truth, at least your rationalizing and analyzing of him and his wife and him and his relationship with you will be coming from the MM's lips and not just what you guess and think. As you said before, he has no reason to lie to you so maybe he won't.

 

Maybe if you hear MM tell you that he is in love with his wife and he does have sex with her. Maybe if MM tells you again that he will not leave his wife, maybe then you will decide you are more important.

[jasminetea]

Sorry, hope that answered your question. I ramble too much sometimes. Bah.

 

Yeah, I think you did. I'm getting that nothing that is said here will alter what you're doing. That sounds like I'm pissed off at you and I'm not, just stating how it seems from everything I've read that you've written.

 

I think you're using this forum to try and work out what you're feeling and get some motivation to change your situation with this MM. However, its not working and I think you know that you'll never do anything that changes the dynamic.

 

I think it you should discover how to increase your sense of self-worth. That would at least help you to not be so dependent on one person for your happiness.

[jj33]

Make the decision for him? Why? Bush never criminalised abortion. You are a single woman trying to get into med school sleeping with a married man. If you got pregnant Im sure hed never in a million years expect you to keep it. Or never expect you would think he would leave. He is expecting that you are on birth control or YOU would say something because its YOUR body you are the one who would get pregnant.

 

And WHY would he leave his current family for you and an unborn child? This is pure pure fantasy on your part sorry but it is.

 

Hes being irresponsible and not thinking things through. As with the rest of this situation....

 

Wake up!!

[jasminetea]

Sometimes I wonder if it seems reduced to a booty call

 

You 'sometimes wonder'??? Its blindingly obvious! And not for any other reason than he fancies you, gets good sex from you and its easy to do so. It really is that straightfoward!

 

I've read all sorts of convoluted stories about various affairs where people have genuinely fallen in love or both parties are using each other or even one where the OW feels she's totally in control of the situation, but I have never read one that is so transparently a booty call. And you're not sure?

[jwi71]

Actually, it's hard to say. It's not the same as it was when it started, he doesn't act exactly the same. He's become more comfortable with me, for sure. In the beginning he seemed like an excited little kid that's found a new toy, but that he didn't know what to do with it.

 

Lately he seems more confused about what he's doing with himself. Like he wants to stay on this track of life he set for himself but somehow I'm derailing him. But I mean, of course I'm not doing it....I don't put a gun to his head....i don't have magical powers of coercion....its like he's afraid to lose everything he's built for himself but he still can't stay away. Little by little he gets more...emotional towards me. Very, very , very slowly, baby steps, as I said before, he can be emotionally retarded as to actually expressing himself, but every so often he comes out with a line that surprises me. Just to say he misses me....he was never able to even say that before. I haven't changed in how I act towards him for the most part...so Im not sure whats going on in his head completely. Wish I knew, I guess. But I have to wonder , for all that time I wasn't having sex with him, why he bothered, right? Granted, we've been sleeping together the last year or so, but the three years prior to that it was this same cycle of emotional tumult, but not really any physical activity attached. I'm not sure you risk losing your marriage just so you can sneak off to make out with your co worker. It wasn't about sex then, so what was the reason then? Questions like these bother me. Images of how it all started bother me. The first night we kissed, how happy he used to look just hugging me. He's come over so many times and stood there like a nervous school boy, hands in pockets, staring at me like he's trying to prove he can just be with me without sex, and sometimes I'll let him just stand there, and sometimes I'll just jump him, but he'd be happy just laying there with me I think. Hell, that's all we really used to do in the beginning anyway. Sometime's we'd sneak out of work in the company car, park somewhere , kiss in the backseat and just hug and hold hands and talk. Things started getting more complicated as time went, of course. His wife got pregnant with their second child very soon after I met him, and pregnant with the third in the 9 month period that me and him weren't speaking. They also moved away to nearly a two hour drive away from me. When he lived five minutes away from me he WOULD sneak out to see me, just to kiss and watch the sunset and talk. Now that he lives nearly two hours away from me, it really isn't very feasible to say he's going out to the store or something, now is it, and to come see me which is why I don't see him on weekends anymore. He sees me on weekdays because he works near where I live. Things change. It used to be easier to explain why he was gone for an hour or less. To be gone for 5 or 6 hours on a weekend is somewhat more difficult to explain, thus why I never see him weekends anymore....

 

In sum,

 

Four years ago you only had stolen moments - you guys had a full on EA and PA (kissing counts as PA in my book).

 

Fast forward to now...and you STILL only have stolen moments.

 

They only thing that has changed is HIS comfort level with you. But that's normal for any two people - they get comfortable with one another.

 

Having said that, basically NOTHING has changed. Four years and he offers you...the same he offered you four years ago - second place. For me, an R should progress. I don't see ANY progression here. Nor do I see any movement on HIS part (or yours).

 

Four years, second place and NO movement or progression in the R - DEAD END. I seriously doubt you would DATE a SINGLE man for four years and continue dating him if the R made NO progress.

 

See my point?

[Owl]

I've got to agree with Jasminetea on all accounts.

 

KG, his actions and comments (or the lack of them sometimes) has made it painfully clear that you are just a booty call for him.

 

Look at when he was supposed to bring you that paperwork, and refused to wait downstairs, regardless of what you wanted.

 

It's NOT about you, your wants/needs/etc...

 

It's about him being able to boff you...and the ego feed he gets by manipulating you so that he can boff you, regardless of what you want.

 

But, I also agree with JT on her assessment of your time here on LS...you're just venting here, with absolutely no intent to change your situation.

 

Personally, I think you should simply accept that you're where you want to be...you're his part-time booty call, and that's how the both of you like it.

 

Don't ask/expect any more than that, and you won't be upset about not being more than that.

 

It'll make both of you happier. It'll drop the stress level waaaayyyy down.

 

In other words...either accept the situation, or choose to change it. Make up your mind on one of those two options, and THEN perhaps people here could provide advice that you might be able to use.

[norajane]

It's just not feasible to sneak out on weekends, which is why I only see him weekdays. Just makes more sense

Are you listening to yourself? Does it really make sense for you to live your life as a hidden booty call he has to sneak around in order to have sex?

 

How does that make sense for you and your life goals?

 

Dude is having sex with his wife and you know it. He's got three young children to prove it. If he's not having as much sex as he would like, it's due to his wife having been pregnant for 27 months of their marriage, plus all the post-pregnancy time when she's recovering and feeling exhausted caring for those 3 small children while he's off boinking you.

 

He's told you he's not leaving his wife. He stopped seeing you because he was afraid he was going to get caught and his wife would find out - he does not want her to know because he does not want anything to change!!!! He's told you that he expects you will find another guy and dump him one day. He's not secretly planning to get you pregnant so he can leave his family and be with you. What more do you really need to know about his intentions?

 

What you need to know are YOUR intentions. If you can't handle being his booty call, then you know what you have to do because a different kind of future with him is not possible.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

LB, nailed it short and simple on another thread.

 

Most married guys who f*ck around want mistresses, not divorces. Unfortunately, that is a hard pill to swallow and OW don't want to take that pill and in fact pretend its not even there.

[whichwayisup]

KG, what I meant was, he is in the moment - Not making any plans for anything. You are projecting into the future, hoping he'll divorce and be yours.. His mind isn't there and your 'truth' of the situation is much different than his. Again, his ACTIONS are more important than his words. Sure, he can say he misses you..But that doesn't mean he's going to drop everything and come running to you.

 

Another thing, while he is working, he is WORKING. He isn't focussing on you, letting thoughts distract him throughout the day. IT isn't affecting his work performance.. Can you say the same about yourself?