So what are the chances this would work?

[2sure]

Still, despite it all, she's kind of ignored things. I guess that's what happens when you've built a life with someone and don't want to admit they're straying....but I do wonder what she would do if she found indisputable evidence of his infidelity. Not clues, but outright "i know he's cheating". I wonder.

 

They have problems. We could assume this knowing nothing at all about the husband or the wife. If she were to find out about the affair , you have a pretty good idea already what would happen.

 

1. The H has stopped contact with you several times already because he feels guilty. He has told you he is staying with the M. Since the W has found so very few and vague clues he may be cheating - he must go to some length to hide the A or the A is not a such a big factor in his life it is difficult to hide. In a marriage with severe problems the first thing a spouse looks for is cheating, so his wife apparently has no reason to think that he is. Ideal situation for a WS.

 

2. If his W finds out she will have to acknowledge that their marriage now has an additional problem. Given the fact that he feels guilty already and has broken it off before - he will promise her , beg her, and renew his committment - out of regret or fear - who cares? - he will.

 

3. Meanwhile the W and he will go counselling, on vacations, and try to repair their marriage - possibly with renewed energy after finding out they almost lost it.

 

4. If his sorrow or fear is not enough to make him stay committed (But - your guy is already flip flopping this time around)...AND you are still waiting , he may go back to the A some time in the future.

 

5. Repeat.

 

So, THATS what will happen. Not with every marriage and affair, but clearly with this one.

[whichwayisup]

but I honestly don't know if she would leave him.

 

If a D-Day did occur, do you have faith that he would choose you, leave his wife and divorce to be with you? This isn't just a matter on whether or not she decides to leave him or not, HE has a say it in whether or not HE wants to stay with her.

 

Kis, I posted to you (post 66) thoughts on that?

[jwi71]

he knows i don't want to sit and hear about his effing wife.

 

His effing wife??? You're angry at her? WOW!

 

Not angry, jealous. KG is jealous of her. She is jealous that HE gives his W everything KG wants. The W has him, has three kids, has house and holidays together. It is his W that wakes up on Christmas morning to excited children and an H with a silly grin. Not KG.

 

She obsesses over the W out of sheer jealousy. It is all consuming. I previously wrote that her MM has all the power. That KG' life is measured in the small pleasures her MM allows her to have. His choice. KGs choice. Its so very sad. It is very much like watching a drug addict waste away who insists everything is under control. And it isn't.

 

KG, you have got to stop. You are wasting your life on him. You will NEVER have what his W has. Never. He will NOT give it to you. His choice.

 

My biggest fear is this blows up while you are in Med School. Given your lack of coping skills when it comes to him - you may lose your dream. For nothing. I hope you choose you over him.

[SerenityX2]

Kismet the venom is almost palpable from you, I get your frustration but there's something that you're not getting either.

 

I won’t go into the whole sex seduction, b/c you AREN'T stupid of course continuing to lay around w/o pants is going to lead to sex When you first wrote it, you seemed like you were surprised. I think you knew from the time you answered his email where this was going.

 

What you are not acknowledging is as Mr. Lucky pointed out, "some" guys content in their marriage just want the action on the side. You keep repeating yourself that you know that he must be unhappy now b/c he grunted in frustation or seems torn when you see him.

 

Who knows why? It's moot to assume anything, bottom line is he isn't so torn up over not seeing or talking to you for awhile, not signs of a man "in love" with you.

 

Why doesn't it bother you that you can't have an honest conversation with this guy that you claim to love? Even if you were "just friends" you'd be able to talk to him without fear and walking on eggshells. He's conflict avoidant that's what landed him in the A, and it's hallmark of a cheater, read the threads here. But if you can't talk about the tough stuff....

 

Denial, damn interesting you brought that up. Why do you insist that his wife is in denial? I'm fairly certain she doesn't want to be w/a guy that doesn't want her, and he wouldn't be such a scared rabbit about her finding out. There's a few whacked out women that will stay miserably married rather than get out, but they're usually power tyrants themselves. The majority of women don't want to be w/someone who doesn't want them. Most will even say they don't want him there if it's just for the kids. I'm talking IRL not just the boards as representative.

 

What you don't seem even want to consider let alone get,is that this guy does a damn good job of convincing his wife that he does love her and the M is good. He doesn't even want her to suspect, so what does that tell you? He tossed you aside when he got spooked. You're in denial it's just the kids, even though he's said he loves her to death, she feels like home, he doesn't sound like a man that wants to lose HER either. You are just seeing it distorted.

 

She can't be responsible for 50 percent of a demise of a marriage when she doesn't have an effing clue something is wrong let alone the fact he's choosing to screw around now can she? You know the facts and continue to live in denial, interesting.

 

]Do you ever envision her crumpled up on the floor in complete devestation that she's lived a lie for 4 years? Instead of coming down on her and what she should or shouldn't do. SHE DOESN'T KNOW. Maybe that will help you find strength to end this since you claim to put others before you, maybe that needs to be your reality check. Because she will find out, this has gone on too long, and he's too paranoid for him to not crack, if he doesn't end it soon and keeps this up, those odds increase dramatically.

 

You claim to care about others, Kismet basic human dignity is to not hurt others, treat others as you want to be treated, you're hurting her too, not just him, she just doesn't know it yet.

 

You also said no one can explain why it's so intense and you two feel so strong about each other. Because it exists in a fantasy bubble, a vacuum. They are typical affair fog feelings, nothing more I'm sorry truly, sorry that you see yourself as a victim of wrong time and place instead of two people that lacked will power to say no, and that this is so special. I'm guessing you've read other stories here. Pretty much all have that intense, insatiable quality, it's the nature of living that secret. It's the rush of doing something that you know is wrong.

 

He took vows to forsake all others and you see what that means to him, yet you think b/c you put your foot down and demanded that he not break up with you anymore until you say so he's going to honor that....scary. This is why I'm concerned for you. I don't think it means squat to him that you gave him an ultimatum when push comes to shove.

 

That's why others say you'll crash and burn in med school if you don't find the strength now, not in a few months. This is serious, read your posts, they're not of a women in control and can just walk away. You may just be blindsided yet again.

 

I see a caring girl on the other side of cyber space, I see her torn and hurting, I keep saying I don't know what to say to you. I see you vacillate between anger and despair...none of it healthy. Meeting someone else isn't the answer Kismet, dig deep in yourself and get out of this. This pain is your choice now Kismet yours.

 

You seem to want help, but you refuse to listen. We see it objectively, not through your tainted view from your rose colored glasses. Is there a point to try and help? I'm seeing not, glad I'm back in school Monday, this is really madness.

 

I know I said I wouldn't comment on your threads, but it's really incredible what you refuse to see. You've said that maybe with all the responses someday you'll get it, something will snap, so I try and I hope, I fear it's pointless though.

 

Good luck with your studies.

[whichwayisup]

My biggest fear is this blows up while you are in Med School. Given your lack of coping skills when it comes to him - you may lose your dream. For nothing. I hope you choose you over him.

 

Sadly, I agree..

 

Kis, you could have a wonderful and fulfilling life ahead for yourself, but choosing to stay in this affair IS going to ruin it. You've even said you aren't putting in enough effort, not studying enough as the MM and the A is on your mind ALL the time.

 

NO man is worth ruining your future career over. I just hope one day you realize this because this MM isn't changing anything in his life to make you his number one, yet you put him as your number one over everything.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I know she would be hurt, that's a given, but I honestly don't know if she would leave him. Curiousity as to how she would respond isn't that terrible.

 

Really??? I mean especially if we overlook the given...

 

Why would we overlook the given.... That has to happen BEFORE she chooses to leave him or not.

 

And heck no you're not going to parade it in her face, but obviously not because you care a hill of beans whether she is hurt or not but because you know it wouldn't work for you.

 

Your migraines come from the fact that you are constantly in the turmoil of trying to convince yourself that what you know isn't true. You aren't treating yourself a bit better than you are her.

 

I wonder if she sits at home wondering what will happen when you have a complete breakdown.... will he find another OW?

 

He doesn't have to lie to you Kismet... you do that for him.

[LavendarGirl]

Kismet,

Forget about the whole A dynamic for right now. Just think in terms of an intimate relationship that's ended. When one person still is madly in love with the other person, a friendship won't work if that one person who's still in love is agreeing to be friends because they can't live without the other person. It's the wrong setup for a friendship, and it will continue to tear at your heart.

[Lucky_One]

"I know she would be hurt, that's a given, but I honestly don't know if she would leave him."

 

Why do OW want to believe that a BS would leave the marriage if she found out about a EMA, when the MM already knows about the EMA and still won't leave?

[KismetGirl]

"I know she would be hurt, that's a given, but I honestly don't know if she would leave him."

 

Why do OW want to believe that a BS would leave the marriage if she found out about a EMA, when the MM already knows about the EMA and still won't leave?

 

 

uHHH, well, thats sort of a silly question now isn't it? MM doesnt leave cause he's got the best of both worlds and doesnt want to or isn't miserable enough yet to rock the boat of his otherwise peaceful, if not fully content, existance. Hell, he's admitted he's got the better end of the deal in this arrangement before and wonders why I put up with him. But I guess he's happy I do, sometimes.

 

A BS would leave because she's been lied to . i'd think this is pretty obvious....why they would stay is usually somewhat more complicated, or at least, involves more variables.....kids, she still loves him, stability, way of life, etc.

[Billie63]

Hell, he's admitted he's got the better end of the deal in this arrangement before and wonders why I put up with him.

 

You could always tell him, 'because I love you.' But no, you put on the hard act and say lines like 'I'll never ask you to leave your wife.'

 

No wonder he can't stay away.

[SerenityX2]

Kismet

 

Here's more denial on your part. You say there are signs she should be picking up on.

 

Regarding the email, you've explained to us before that she was VERY concerned but you offered to lie for him and say you meant to send it to your boyfriend but MM was a click above in your addy's. You further explained that he must have had to do some serious cover work. Yeah, blame her denial, that's easier.

 

The strand of hair? Seriously? From your words, things didn't turn to sex till about a year ago? So in the beginning there really wasn't anything...right? Frankly though I'd find it odd somebody would find a strand of hair....but I ain't CSI..... You must have seriously thick hair and everything in their apartment must have been white....

 

But now you say she's noticing he smells like sex? Either he's lying to you....or you're going to have a D day coming. Like 2Sure said, play now pay later.

 

It's an absolute joke that you try to come off as noble for not telling her as if her happiness means something to you. It's insulting, take the blinders off already.

[KismetGirl]

You could always tell him, 'because I love you.' But no, you put on the hard act and say lines like 'I'll never ask you to leave your wife.'

 

No wonder he can't stay away.

 

 

::shrug::: hard act= defense mechanism

 

he knows i care about him, he's told me he cares about me. He gets upset when I make remarks about why does he bothers with me, or what's the point of making himself all crazy and paranoid if he doesn't give a sh*t about me anyway, etc etc. He tells me to "stop saying stupid things that you know are not true." I'm not sure if he loves me. I know he cares about me, but that's as much credit as I'll give him right now. I think i've actually only really told him im in love him once in the four years i've known him, and that was the day the last time he broke things off with me in November because I for whatever reason believed him that he was really breaking things off and figured it made no difference so i might as well say it once. he'd asked me once before if I was in love with him in response to the way I acted about something he'd told me, and I'd told him to go f**k himself, because I didn't want to say "no" and lie, and I didn't want to tell him the truth either, which would be "yes im in love with you", because i don't like to throw that word around and don't really feel he deserves to hear it from me when we are in an affair. I'd say it more if we were dating, but we're not. I've never really considered it a "relationship" when the other person is married. I've usually just referred to it as a situation. he's emotionally retarded sometimes and has issues with saying how he feels about people, i dont think its only with me. The only people he's easily able to show extreme emotion about are his children. I do know him fairly well after 4+ years, though I wouldn't say I know everything about him...never claimed to.

[SerenityX2]

Why do you want to be with someone who's not only conflicant avoidant but emotionally retarded? Even if fantasies really came true, life with him would be hell on earth. That's what I mean about the denial.

 

And I know you responded in hurt and anger about the prostitute comment and clearly you're not....however and I mean this kindly you are letting him treat you like one.

 

You mentioned the ballgames and dinner w/flowers wasn't the latter only once for your birthday and that ticked you off? Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't the going out sometimes go away and that's what brought you here? That you didn't want to be treated as someone's f*ck? Kismet that's what we see that you've ALLOWED yourself to become. Granted your choice, but when's the last time he did something special for you and took you out, bought you something thoughtful? He comes to your place feigns some friendship gets laid and leaves you a mess. That's no friend.

 

That's the denial Kismet, that you've slipped down this slope of allowing to be disrepected and play "hard case" with him and don't want to admit it.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet

 

Here's more denial on your part. You say there are signs she should be picking up on.

 

Regarding the email, you've explained to us before that she was VERY concerned but you offered to lie for him and say you meant to send it to your boyfriend but MM was a click above in your addy's. You further explained that he must have had to do some serious cover work. Yeah, blame her denial, that's easier.

 

The strand of hair? Seriously? From your words, things didn't turn to sex till about a year ago? So in the beginning there really wasn't anything...right? Frankly though I'd find it odd somebody would find a strand of hair....but I ain't CSI..... You must have seriously thick hair and everything in their apartment must have been white....

 

But now you say she's noticing he smells like sex? Either he's lying to you....or you're going to have a D day coming. Like 2Sure said, play now pay later.

 

It's an absolute joke that you try to come off as noble for not telling her as if her happiness means something to you. It's insulting, take the blinders off already.

 

Ok there, woah, calm down. I didnt say I was noble for not telling her, I said I didnt think it was good to tell her right now because I dont think he's going to leave her anyway so what's the point in making her unhappy when she otherwise seems pretty content. She may have suspicions once in a while but I dont know to what extent. If she finds out, it'll be his fault, not mind. If he wants to tell her its up to him.

 

i don't tell her because Im not totally horrid. i don't beg him to leave her, and I don't intend to throw it in her face. Even if he divorced her, I wouldnt want her to think it was because of someone else. Why rub salt in a wound. I don't care about her in the sense that I care about a family or friend because I dont really know her. I do consider that she would be upset if I told her, and I mainly don't tell her because I feel my motivations behind telling her are wrong. It's for revenge or anger against him when he pisses me off, and otherwise, yes, i'll admit, telling her doesnt really help me either. I don't want him to come to me because she decides to dump him. I don't want to be a fall back. I'd rather he made that decision on his own. And if he never does, then so be it, Im not going to force anyone to be with me. Just because I havent found strength to end things with him, doesnt mean Im willing to accept him JUST because she found out and left HIM.

 

And, sex didn't start till about a year ago. The first few it was fooling around and etc, making out in the copy room at work when no one's looking, stuff like that. She found a strand of hair in their apartment because I came over one day, and sat on their bed while I was talking to him as he was looking through his closet for something. They happened to have a big, white bedspread. I happen to have waist-length red hair. She happens to have very short blonde hair. She happened to notice my very long red hair on her very white bedspread when she came home and it was obvious it was not hers and she became suspicious and asked him why there was another woman's hair in their bedroom. To be honest, the day that happened was the day after the very first night he ever kissed me, so she would have no reason to even have suspicions prior to this. He told her if fell off a sweater he had lent to one of his co-workers.

 

Clear anything up there? Stop being so mad. And stop putting words in my mouth. Never claimed to be noble. I said I didn't want to rub an affair in her face, so I wasn't going to. If I wanted to be cruel, I already said I could have, and I have no desire to do so.

[KismetGirl]

Why do you want to be with someone who's not only conflicant avoidant but emotionally retarded? Even if fantasies really came true, life with him would be hell on earth. That's what I mean about the denial.

 

And I know you responded in hurt and anger about the prostitute comment and clearly you're not....however and I mean this kindly you are letting him treat you like one.

 

You mentioned the ballgames and dinner w/flowers wasn't the latter only once for your birthday and that ticked you off? Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't the going out sometimes go away and that's what brought you here? That you didn't want to be treated as someone's f*ck? Kismet that's what we see that you've ALLOWED yourself to become. Granted your choice, but when's the last time he did something special for you and took you out, bought you something thoughtful? He comes to your place feigns some friendship gets laid and leaves you a mess. That's no friend.

 

That's the denial Kismet, that you've slipped down this slope of allowing to be disrepected and play "hard case" with him and don't want to admit it.

 

Maybe you're right.

[SerenityX2]

Kismet, I'm not mad, frustrated by the blinders that are getting tighter, yeah b/c I said I see the potential.

 

Yeah I could see where red hair + white blanket = suspiscion.

 

I'm only responding to why you think she should figure out he's strayed and I'm only trying to point out he's working double time to make sure she doesn't, that's very telling on what he wants. It's hard to come across in letters on a page, so I can see where it can get misconstrued. My comment about CSI is other than what you described you gotta admit it'd be strange to notice a strand of hair on the floor or something.

 

Kismet I'm sensing you're feeling attacked, thus all the defense, we really just don't want to see you trash school and you keep saying you won't. Nothing you've said speaks of this. Especially not this latest tirade, you're in too deep and he doesn't even know.

 

I honestly wonder what would happen if he suddenly started professing all this love and he's going to leave in X amount of years, you'd stay stuck. OW have stayed stuck with just those promises and they were empty. This guy is giving you even far less and yet you're willing to stay stuck.

 

You've said you've considered all points of view even if it seems you don't appreciate it. I'm sure it also sux for you right now b/c it's the weekend and pretty much guarantee he won't contact you till next week unless things have changed on the communication part from when you posted. I can only go on what you've posted, sorry if it seems as assumptions.

 

Don't you deserve better than this? If all he does now is send an occassional email and call when he wants to hook up and nothing else, Kismet that's pretty shabby treatment. And if you defend it by saying you play it cool, then you better stop that charade with him, or this is going to destroy your soul. It's already eating you up.

[SerenityX2]

Maybe you're right.

 

 

Then talk to him. If you guys are really friends, friends talk, they talk about the fun stuff, but they're there for you when it hurts and they talk about the rough stuff too.

 

All this speculating is driving you crazy and the playing the fun sexy friend game isn't really working too well.

 

Ask him point blank why does he cheat, what exactly is this fulfilling for him beyond the intense excitement. C'mon four years, and now a year being sexual with him and you can't talk? That's what people here don't get, you say you have this intense connection and he's torn, but you don't know that b/c you've never even had a deep meaningful conv w/him.

 

Do you understand why people are saying this has become a hook up or booty calls and nothing else? It is not to be mean.

 

If you're afraid of the answers, well that's probably telling you something you don't want to admit. I'm not sure he'll be honest either being he goes to lengths to cover it up with his W but it's worth a shot.

 

Perhaps you're afraid of losing him b/c he'll see you want more. Kismet the painful truth is you don't have him.

 

I'd just have a hard time handing over my heart and sanity to someone on the guise that you two had an agreement he won't hurt you anymore when it's clear he can hurt someone and break vows, not just promises made in the heat of the moment. I'd be scared I handed that much power over to someone, when yeah you're right, he has zero obligation to you.

 

I know you see it diffrently, but Kismet we all can't be wrong can we? Some of us have different twists on the situation, but the underlying theme is the same, you're projecting what you want this situation to be full of love and passion it isn't truth, this guy is no good for you.

 

I am sorry you are feeling attacked today, I hope you're able to rest and think things through clearly eventually.

[Owl]

Kismet, I'm an "action oriented" kind of advice giver...I'm a firm believer in DOING SOMETHING about a situation if you're not happy with it or if it's not what it should be.

 

You might have noticed that in my posts before.

 

SO, with that in mind...point blank...here we are almost 100 posts into this thread, and I have a question.

 

What are you DOING about your situation? What are you DOING to change it? What are you DOING to help yourself through all of this?

 

You've been on this ride for over four years now.

 

Either it's what you want it to be, or you need to be DOING SOMETHING to change it.

 

Which is it?

[whichwayisup]

Kis, you haven't replied to any of my posts to you today, so if I came across harshly, I'm sorry..

 

It's just irking me that you have an exciting whole life ahead of you careerwise, and you're letting this guy RUIN it for you!

[KismetGirl]

Kis, you haven't replied to any of my posts to you today, so if I came across harshly, I'm sorry..

 

It's just irking me that you have an exciting whole life ahead of you careerwise, and you're letting this guy RUIN it for you!

 

sorry, hard to get back to everyone....was at work today

 

Quote:

The MM and OW are evil, the W is always the innocent party who has had NO hand in ANY problems in the marriage

NOONE has ever said that the MM is responsible for ALL the problems in the marriage. In your situation or anyone else's. MM and his wife each have their part in why things may not be great at home. BUT - Problems or not, it does NOT justify HIS choice to go outside of the marriage and have an affair. HE, your MM owns that 100% and 100% of what the affair is/has been doing to the marriage, is all HIS alone.

 

Quote:

I'm in this A because I choose to be

It sounds like you want the A to continue so what's the point of trying to end it and walk away? You seem happy, settled, and calm when he is paying attention to you and all your stresses disappear UNTIL he goes back home, gets busy and doesn't have time for you. Then all that panic, stress and confusion gets to you because you're hurt he is spending time with his wife and kids over making time to spend with you.

 

If you choose to be the OW, then accept certain things, certain dynamics about having an affair with him. He isn't leaving his wife, he's happy enough as things are, and with you around when he wants to be with you, he's even happier. As are you.

 

I wish that someday soon you realize you're settling to be second fiddle..

 

I already realize it. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

 

Quote:

Still, despite it all, she's kind of ignored things

Why do you think that is?

 

Chances are, he's told her 'everything is fine, ofcourse I love you and no I'm not cheating on you, I'd never do that to you or the kids..Don't worry, k.'

 

You only hear HIS side of things and if you believe he isn't/hasn't or won't lie, white lie or omit truths from you, you're fooling yourself.

 

Of course he's told her he hasn't cheated on her....actually Im not sure what he's told her. He might have said there was flirting, or something, but I doubt he said we've physically done anything. I've never gotten the inclination that he's really ready to get a divorce.....maybe if his kids were older , I dont know. I dont see how he's going to abandom a five year old, three year old and 8 month old....which is how he sees a divorce, essentially.

 

Quote:

but I honestly don't know if she would leave him.

If a D-Day did occur, do you have faith that he would choose you, leave his wife and divorce to be with you? This isn't just a matter on whether or not she decides to leave him or not, HE has a say it in whether or not HE wants to stay with her.

 

Kis, I posted to you (post 66) thoughts on that?

 

Nope, no faith at all. Not because he doesn't give a crap, but I don't think it's a good time for it. His kids are small, I'm super busy all the time, he can't afford to support a seperated family, all I see happening if he gets a divorce anytime soon is him being miserable and resentful of me that he can't be with his kids all the time, him being depressed that the house he just bought a couple years ago isn't his anymore, him being broke beyond belief because he has to somehow support two households, him feeling like a shmuck for hurting his wife. But to be honest with you, it's hard to know exactly wht goes on in his head, because I dont ask him. Maybe Im afraid to know. We talk, and I swear sometimes I forget what we talk about. It's like my brain freezes up and rather than mess up the moment, i just want to enjoy it so I avoid conflicting talk that I know won't lead anywhere now anyway. I know he likes his life overall...he's got three cute kids, a doting wife whose a good mom, they have her family all nearby and he gets along with them, they have their friends, they have a whole life and dynamic going. Why would he change that for one person? How can I even compare to that? Nothing against me....I just don't see how it's going to happen so soon in their "family life". They are a young family, essentially....I don't know if Im making any sense. *sigh* It's been a long week.

[KismetGirl]

I honestly wonder what would happen if he suddenly started professing all this love and he's going to leave in X amount of years, you'd stay stuck. OW have stayed stuck with just those promises and they were empty. This guy is giving you even far less and yet you're willing to stay stuck.

 

You've said you've considered all points of view even if it seems you don't appreciate it. I'm sure it also sux for you right now b/c it's the weekend and pretty much guarantee he won't contact you till next week unless things have changed on the communication part from when you posted. I can only go on what you've posted, sorry if it seems as assumptions.

 

Don't you deserve better than this? If all he does now is send an occassional email and call when he wants to hook up and nothing else, Kismet that's pretty shabby treatment. And if you defend it by saying you play it cool, then you better stop that charade with him, or this is going to destroy your soul. It's already eating you up.

 

You're right again....the weekend is contact-free. I don't get calls when he's at home, obviously. I get emails late at night sometimes, I guess when she's asleep and he can sneak off to the computer, but he doesn't risk texts or calls on weekends generally. Sucks alot. I almost don't want to call him next week, but it's more to see if he'll call me. I guess he probably will, at some point.

 

I really just don't know what to say to him. *sigh* I pretty much tell myself that there's no way I can really compete with an entire family. Granted, he's not an upright moral citizen being a cheater, but he's also not the worst man in the world. He's a family guy, he loves his kids, and I just don't see how someone who really loves their kids can just up and leave when they're so little.....why would he risk everything he has just for me? Don't know too many guys who risk it all for a woman in these cases. It happens sometimes, but i don't think it's the norm. Men love stability and respect.....women love, well, love. Maybe one day he'll change his mind, I just don't see it happening at all any time soon, especially with the kids being so young.

 

Which leaves me here, confused as to what to do with myself. Unable to really let go of him, but sort of refusing to really make him understand what I go through. He's got to have some idea, everytime he's tried to break things off I've cried. The last time I told him I loved him. He got very quiet and told me he was glad I told him. a week later i ask him to drop something off, tell him to stay in the car, and he comes up stairs anyway. Then we don't talk for two months, and there he is back again. As soon as I give him an opening to come back, asking him to write me that letter, he's had a couple months to get over his paranoia, and there he is back again. Making jokes that I'm bad for his mental health (re: the constant stress of being found out, I guess), but I guess the stress isn't enough to stay away. Last time it took him nine months to come back, this time it took two.

 

*sigh*

[whichwayisup]

I know he likes his life overall...he's got three cute kids, a doting wife whose a good mom, they have her family all nearby and he gets along with them, they have their friends, they have a whole life and dynamic going. Why would he change that for one person? How can I even compare to that? Nothing against me....I just don't see how it's going to happen so soon in their "family life". They are a young family, essentially....I don't know if Im making any sense. *sigh* It's been a long week.

 

Reading this makes me wanna hug you..

 

You have alot of insight into your own situation, but I know it scares you to think about it. Bottomline is this - He HAS his life set up already with someone else, created a family with his wife. Friends, inlaw's, the house.. You need to have your own life and focus on building upon what you have now. Friends, family and your budding career! Not ride off his coat tails, trying to steal afew moments of HIS life and envy what they have together. You'll never have what she has with him - A long history, family and a life together.. You're right, you can't compete with that, so why even bother?

 

You deserve SO MUCH in life, happiness, good health, etc..You just won't find it with him. Sure, you'll have afew golden moments of the highs during the peak times in the affair, but it's all based on HIS selfishness - When he wants to be around you. On his terms, his time frame.. You'll also have many more lows, bad ones that you know already affect you deeply and affect not only your frame of mind, moods etc, but your studies and desires to be in the medical field.

 

Your counsellor may not be the right counsellor for you. He/she seems to be prolonging your pain, giving you the OK to stick around and stay in the affair, settle for second fiddle. Think about finding a different therapist as this one isn't helping you the way you need to be helped.

[KismetGirl]

Then talk to him. If you guys are really friends, friends talk, they talk about the fun stuff, but they're there for you when it hurts and they talk about the rough stuff too.

 

All this speculating is driving you crazy and the playing the fun sexy friend game isn't really working too well.

 

Ask him point blank why does he cheat, what exactly is this fulfilling for him beyond the intense excitement. C'mon four years, and now a year being sexual with him and you can't talk? That's what people here don't get, you say you have this intense connection and he's torn, but you don't know that b/c you've never even had a deep meaningful conv w/him.

 

Do you understand why people are saying this has become a hook up or booty calls and nothing else? It is not to be mean.

 

If you're afraid of the answers, well that's probably telling you something you don't want to admit. I'm not sure he'll be honest either being he goes to lengths to cover it up with his W but it's worth a shot.

 

Perhaps you're afraid of losing him b/c he'll see you want more. Kismet the painful truth is you don't have him.

 

I'd just have a hard time handing over my heart and sanity to someone on the guise that you two had an agreement he won't hurt you anymore when it's clear he can hurt someone and break vows, not just promises made in the heat of the moment. I'd be scared I handed that much power over to someone, when yeah you're right, he has zero obligation to you.

 

I know you see it diffrently, but Kismet we all can't be wrong can we? Some of us have different twists on the situation, but the underlying theme is the same, you're projecting what you want this situation to be full of love and passion it isn't truth, this guy is no good for you.

 

I am sorry you are feeling attacked today, I hope you're able to rest and think things through clearly eventually.

 

My brain hurts. I feel kind of numb. Im really not sure what else to say....been a long week and am trying to get my head straight because effective Monday I have exactly three months until my MCAT. You that numb feeling you get when you say the same word over and over again until it doesn't sound like a word anymore and you just feel braindead? Yeah, that's how I feel right now thinking about this situation. F**k him. I hate him.

[awkward]

My brain hurts. I feel kind of numb. Im really not sure what else to say....been a long week and am trying to get my head straight because effective Monday I have exactly three months until my MCAT. You that numb feeling you get when you say the same word over and over again until it doesn't sound like a word anymore and you just feel braindead? Yeah, that's how I feel right now thinking about this situation. F**k him. I hate him.

 

Well yes and trying to defend your position on here probably led to the brain pain too. Just take care of yourself. I don't think one OW on this board has told you that this relationship is healthy for you in anyway.

 

I understand what you were saying in your first post. You want to just hold on to this until you are done with your tests and are able to cope better. I think it is natural to avoid pain. But the problem is you are not avoiding it very well at all. Maybe you could use this time to help yourself get over him emotionally a little bit at a time.

 

You have two choices. Postpone the ending of the affair until you are able to deal with it emotionally or end it now.

 

If you stay, you really need to find a way to accept your situation for what it is. Try to be happy. Yes there has been concern for the BS in this thread, but a lot of the concern is for you. I think almost everyone that has posted here can see that this is going to end badly for you. I think you even see it. Postpone if you must, but take care of your emotional health while doing so.

[NoIDidn't]

Kismet's MM is doing the classic affair dance.

 

If he feels to consumed with his thoughts of K, he tells her he is feeling guilty and runs back to his W. He keeps his W close enough so that she won't think that he's cheating.

 

When he needs what K is offering, uninhibited sex because she's too busy using defense mechanisms to be truly emotional (sorry K), he pulls her a little closer.

 

Back and forth he goes, between the two women. The one who needs the most maintenance, gets the most time.

 

Notice that he doesn't spend much time pulling K in, because she always seems so happy to see him no matter how long since the last time.

 

Kismet, you should read books about cheating men so that you can see your MM clearly and stop obsessing about him and his life. You've got your whole life ahead of you. He is a destructive distraction.